Church

We went to church this morning. No, the walls didn't fall in either. Who would have thought. The Pastor got me thinking about finding my place, my purpose. He said that there are two kinds of church goes; the ones who do too much and the ones who don't do enough. Personally I think he's wrong; I think there's a third-the ones who do do enough. Anyway, he says the ones who do too much have a hard time asking for help or deligating because, sometimes it's easier to do it yourself. The ones who don't do enough don't know where they belong and, like me, are afraid if they choose a place and it's not what they hoped, they will be stuck. He says it's not true; that you may end up changing several times before you find your place. This is kind of reassuring to me because at 47 I think I should have found my place and that it's too late. Maybe it's not.

I'm not able to join this church, obviously, since I don't live here but maybe I will change and pick on in Edmond. I have to think about this more.

Day 2

Getting ready to go to Chick's Bowling Alley. Yes, Angola's finest bowling establishment since the 1940s. My nephew is bowling as is my niece. I get to watch them. Aw, the simplier life. Well, you'd think it was but it's hectic. I don't know how my brother and hsi wife do it. They are constantly on the move; running here, singing in the church choir, fixing stuff, doing projects. I wonder if the energy comes from no other alterative? I'm to complacent to be complacent. (Or check the spelling on the word complacent.)

Okay...off to bowling.

I'm home (away from home)

Phil and I took an early (up by 3:am) flight home today. I'm happy to say we got here without any delays. Knock me over with a feather but it's true. Of course flying to any location where you have to change planes is an all day event. Well, so it seemed. Our flight out of OKC left at 5:50am and we were at my mother in laws by noon, so I guess that's not all day.

I'm at my brother's house now. I am very beat so this post is not much. More tomorrow.

One week to Thanksgiving

I took off from work today. My stomach is freaking out and I don't like it. I especially don't like it because I'm getting on a plane tomorrow to go home for Thanksgiving. Oh, I'm sure it will be okay.

I so happy to go home to see my family, especially my dad. He does have to have his bladder removed; that's the bad news but the good news is the cancer hasn't spread any where else. The other bad news is that he has an anorism on his aortia. I guess they will be removing both in a couple weeks. It's sad that his decision to start taking better care of himself was a little too short. It's a wake up call for us all. But he'll be fine, I just know it.

I will probably go to the casino with him. He loves the casino. There's one about 10 miles from his house on an Indian Reservation. We worry that he spends too much time there but...he knows when to stop. Yesterday he walked out of there with $350 of their money. So, sometimes it works.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Faces

Okay, you may have thought the Monster Tree was a stretch. Well, I often find "things" in the weirdest places. Here is a man I see in the tile in the restroom at work. Can you see him? I named him Jughead. When it's time to use the facilities we say, "I'm going to go visit Jughead."

The first photo shows Jughead from afar. He's in the upper left of the center tile. The second is a closeup of Jughead with some help to identify him.

I feel so much better

I had a disagreement with a girl at work. It was silly; stupid, really but we both misinterrupted each other and forgot that it's okay to disagree. I'm happy to say, we worked it out. It's amazing how much better it can make your working life. Eight hours of silence can take forever. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me; like I had a pounding headache that just went away. Truth be told, I have enjoyed talking to her during the day; and I do like to hear her opinions even if I don't always agree with her. But disagreeing is okay.

Oh man...I'm lost for words

Philip didn't think it could happen but it did....I can't think of anything to blog about. Nope. Nothing.

Well, I could be really boring and tell you I'm watching Dancing with The Stars. I really like Marie Osmond and I would like her to win; I doubt she will; she's a little too stiff but I really like her. She reminds me of my friend Liz. Both have that big sun shiney smile and committment to family. I'm sure the race car driver will win which means JulieAnn Haugh or whatever her name is will win again. She was so cute with Pablo last year. Well, that was boring.

My day was good. I was very productive at work. I slipped in a little self serving credit to my boss. Sometimes you just have to blow your own horn. I know, you shouldn't be when the only ones who know how hard you are working are you and God...well, that should be enough but...well it's not. Sorry God. So I did it; not so sudtle though.....but oh well.

Time to Learn

I have access to a ton of online classes. A ton! Everything from Adobe Illustrator to Microsoft Project. Now, I just have to make myself do it. This is why this post is short. But post I did for today!

Intuition or Lack there of

I have no intuition. None. Zero. Zip. Null. Okay..maybe a little. I did feel that the Buffalo Bills would win today but that and two other games (the same ones other's picked in my Pickem League)I got right. None of my upsets happened. Well, it upsets me but I guess that doesn't count. I can't "feel" lottery numbers either. I get an idea in my head; think it's a winner..really "feel" it but no. Nothing. If you want a team to win, you might want to let me know so I can root for the other team; you're assured a win. I could have won big on the NCAA tourney last spring but of course, the team I rooted for who was so close lost in the final minute. I'm the kiss of death.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I know there are worse things in life. Just felt like ranting.

Thinking about my Mama

Aw...I have discovered that my dad has bladder cancer. I have no idea what level he is or how much there is in him or what the prognosis is; he had a bone scan and a c-scan but he doesn't see his doctor until Wednesday. I guess they are not so concerned about it, otherwise you'd think they'd move a little quicker.

I can't help and wonder if my mom has anything to do with this. Not in a vendictive way, mind you. My dad quit smoking last Christmas. Not because he wanted to but he needed a triplet way bypass operation. After two months is the hospital, he figured it didn't make any sense to start again. So he quit. For a while, I imagined my mom up in heaven saying, "Oh sure, now you quit!" I'm very surprised, and overjoyed that he has stuck to it.

Co-existing

Remember on Melrose Place when one character slept with another character's spouse and three weeks later the injured party invited the skank to her party? It was like they never really hated each other; just got injured and moved past the anger. This is, no doubt, a bit extreme but that's TV.

In reality, people have disagreements and they can, at times, get heated but the mature, big person(s) let it go and forgive and forget. The childish one's hold a little disagreement tight to their chest, let it steep in their psycie to develop hate or distain. Yes, we can't like everyone we meet and we may disagree with those we tolerate. We tolerate them because it makes for better living conditions.

I feel bad for those who can't get over a simple disagreement and allow it to end a relationship. That's just sad.

ATTENTION PLEASE

Do people who have their various body parts pierced long for attention? Is that the reason why people get tattoos? A woman I see often does. She believes that people borne male who dress in woman's apparell and want to be women, are asking for attention. She thinks the two are the same; that is nose-pierced-tattoed ladan-colorful-mohawked-wearing people are callng for the same attention as transsexual individuals. And each are open for ridicule. I say there are differences in the two. The former brought on their differences themselves. Transsexuals are repairing something that just happened to them. They didn't ask to be born the wrong sex. I doubt that anyone has said, "I wish I was born with a ring in my nose."

Coke free

I've been coke free since Monday at 9:36 am. So far, it's not so bad. I really haven't had any major cravings for it. I think I'm just ready to take better care of myself. I even took my calcium this morning...see. Also, I have to agree with my boss who told me that Diet Coke makes you more hungry. It seems to be true. I was constantly hungry when I was on coke (ha) and now, not so much.

I even went to McDonalds today, and although Coke was on the menu I didn't get it. I have discovered, though, Sprite is not 7-up. But so far, so good.

How Honest are you?

How honest are you? If you're at a restaurant, say IHOP, and the bill has been miscalculated to your advantage, do you bring it to the waitress's attention? If you put a bag of dog food under the cart at WalMart but forgot to tell the cashier or forget to take it off the cart for her to scan, do you go back into the store to pay for it? The bank teller miscounts and gives you an extra $10 bill back, do you take it back to the bank?

I have a friend who insists she will go back to correct an error. She doesn't want two unpaid for iced teas on her bill that the waitress forgot to add to stand in the way of her trip to Heaven.

I admire that but I can honestly say, I try to be honest but I won't say I always am. It does depend on who it is that suffers. If it's a small mom and pop cafe, I'd bring the error to their attention. If it's WalMart, I probably won't. If I'm buying Girl Scout cookies and the 12 year old girl charges me for 2 boxes and I had bought 3, I'd tell her. It really depends. I guess this means I'm selectively dishonest. I have never, nor would I ever blantantly steal but if the cashier or waitress aren't doing their jobs; I'm not going to go out of my way to correct them. If this means I'm dishonest, well, if the label fits...

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

Yes, it's my birthday and I don't mind telling you. I think birthdays are meant for celebration! Celebrating 46 years on this great green earth. I don't mind telling my age. Heck I don't mind telling you I weight 150 lbs. I don't get that, why some woman won't tell their age or their weight. What's up with that? We are what we are and as long as we are good and follow the rules of life and law, why not celebrate who we are? I've worked hard to reach 47 by golly! I need to celebrate it!

Word Wasters

I live with a man who wastes words. I mean it. He's a big word waster. I tell him there are people in third world nations who would just love to have those words. How does one waste words, you ask?

By telling me he has a dentist appointment at 2PM....PM, like I thought he might be going in the early morning.

He tells me when it's raining outside. Yes, he includes "outside" in the event I might think it's raining in our living room.

Sometimes I don't mind when he wastes words. Like when he tells me he loves me...very much. :)

What if my words fall on blind eyes?

I'm big on snail mail letter writing. I love to write letters. I'm just in need of an audience. I write to one family back home. Of course, I never hear back from them but each time I see them, they say how they love to read my letters. I just, kind of wish, I heard this feedback more often...like in between letters from me. I have recently started writing to a cousin back home. We have always been friendly but never really connected until this past summer. Her sister died unexpectly. I wrote to her to lend my support and let her know I was thinking about her. When I saw her over the summer she was unusually happy to see me, telling me she loved me and wanted us to be closer. So, I've written to her. Like all my letters, and I'm sure this is true of everyone, I write first asking her how she's doing. This takes up about 5% of the letter. The rest is about me..what I'm doing, what's been happening around me. I believe this is how most people write if they were to take the time to write letters. There's just a part of me that wonders if the receiptant really gives a darn? Are they enthralled to know that I just painted my living room? Do they really care that my husband is back in school? That's kind of the problem with snail mail...the response is so slow and at times, like in my case, not happening.

Oh, I understand some people just don't like to write. I get that. I just hope the receiptant isn't saying to themselves, "And I need to know this, why?" I don't think it's a waste of my time because I'm doing what I need to do...WRITE! Whether or not it's being read...that's secondary.

Kicking the Coke Habit

I'm going to do this. I have to. On Monday, I'm stopping at Sonic on my way to work to get my last diet Coke w/ Vanilla. I will have to have it drank by 10am. Before 10, I will be 46 years old; after 10, I will be 47 years old. I want to be able to say, I haven't had a coke since I was 46. I have to do this. Coke, Dr Pepper, Pepsi....any carmel colored carbinated drink has phospheric acid and this is bad. Bad bad bad. PA is not good. It depletes your body of calcium. I need all the calcium I can get.

This is going to be very hard. I love my Diet Coke. I will admit I'm addicted. Does anyone know a 12 step program to kick this coke habit?

Day Two

I'm a firm believer that everyone should write down what they believe in; what their views are so that in ten years they can look back at it. It's not necessary to write every day about the day to day happenings (although that's okay too) but just write your belief in topics like abortion, adultery, having children or not, politics, religion, etc. Just write it and seal it and not read it until ten years have past. You might surprise yourself.

There are days where...

I'd like to ask my boss if she's having misgivings with her decision five months ago to add the likes of me to her staff. This was one of those days where I searched for a smile or a chuckle from her to reassure me that she's not repulsed by her decision to add me to her payroll. Some days you just feel stupid. Today was that day

Let the fun begin...

It's National Blogging Month and I'm ready. You are going to find out so much about me this month. Maybe more than you'd want. Maybe I'll have to make stuff up, just to have something to say. We'll see. Maybe I'll just share some funny stories. Yeah...that's the ticket. More soon.

The Tree Monster

This is a tree near my house. Every time I go by it I say, "I have to take a picture of that tree. It looks like a monster." Do you see it? It's going to get that car. Click on image to get a closer look.

So Proud

Yeah! I know there are so many 5th graders out there who could put the little NaBloPoMo thingy on their blog but I was having a little trouble. But by golly, with a little help from Ari_65 and some other online sources, I did it! Sorry but I believe we need to celebrate whenever we can..so I am. (So there!)

National Blog Month

November is National Blog Month. I signed up for this ...contest of sorts..where you have to blog every day in November. There are prizes too. Nothing huge. Blogging each day gets you an entry into a drawing so it's not like you automatically win but it sounds so fun. Also, it motivates me to write and I know I need help with motivation there. So, get set for November...I'm writing each day. And hopefully you're reading. :)

Spin

My chiropractor has an erasable message board on the wall. They always have some sappy message on it like, "Tell a friend a chiropractor can help" Today's message was...

"Referrals are easy when you care."

I told them they should change it to make it more catchy. Something like...

"Referrals are hard when you don't give a shit."

For some reason, they didn't agree. Hmmm.

Typical Sunday in Buffalo...

Is this Serendipity?

My office mate at work, Stacey, has a 4 year old niece named Morgan. Stacey often, to my delight, tells me little Morgan stories. This tot sounds like a little sweetheart. This past Thursday, I asked Stacey where her brother and sister-in-law came up with the name "Morgan." She said she believed it had something to do with a horse. On Saturday, I wasn't planning on it but on my way home from shopping, I saw a sign for a garage sale. I decided to stop. I didn't see much there but I did look through a box of books. Mostly they were children's books but I found two that caught my eye. "Morgan Morning" and "Morgan and Me"...part of the "Serendipity Series"...stories about a horse named Morgan. I bought them both...very happy with my purchase.

Giraffes fighting, who knew?

glumbert - Giraffes fight with their heads

Can you be sad?

After looking at this guy, how can you?

Courtesy

It's common courtesy to return the favor; is it not? If I offer to do something, say pick up lunch since I'm out anyway, shouldn't the person who benefits from this, return the favor? Okay, I do it because I want to; really I don't mind. I guess some would say "if you do it because you expect something in return, than you shouldn't' do it." Is this right? Is expecting a person to reciprocate asking too much? Couldn't we butter each other's bread?

Same for blogs. If I comment on your blog, is it asking too much for you to read mine and hopefully comment? Gawd...this makes me more angry than not picking up lunch. Maybe because all it takes is a couple minutes of time.

I believe in the golden rule. I believe if you are going in one direction, someone else might benefit from it too. Why not share the wealth? Why not acknowledge someone's existence? Where's the harm?

Pain

It seems that I have been allotted this certain amout of pain each day and whoever is administrating this pain gets to decide what body-part to pick on each day. Yesterday it was my lower back; last week it was my left wrist and elbow. Before that it was the shoulder. The shoulder today is apparently the lucky recipient again. Over the weekend it was my left ankle. It's totally arbitrary.

I have said that pain should be allocated based on how good a person is. This makes so much sense to me. We wouldn't need jails because if you were bad, like say a rapist or murderer, you'd be rendered incapacitated and raising your head up would be all you could muster. You'd welcome the death penalty.

We wouldn't need courts because the punishment would fit the crime. Arthritis for tax evaders; allergies for traffic violations; bigger bone breaks for the bigger felonies – a broken back for aggravated assault; a broke arm for purse snatching; Terminal cancer for first-degree murder or rape.

Now, I know, some pain is good because then you’d know something was wrong and you’d get it treated. There would have to be some kind of system instilled so people would know the injury or illness was caused by bad behavior or not. This system would mean that good people would be perfectly healthy all their life. I suppose the question of how long a life a good person could have would have to be determined. Obviously we can’t live forever and the death of a good person would mean extra points to their good offspring or beneficiary if their choosing.

Some would say that God gives us free will and we are suppose to choose the correct way. Unfortunately, this system is flawed. It works to a certain extent but not completely. My system has so many merits to it. Everyone will try like the dickens to be good. If they knew they could get a high out of being good, I mean a real physical high, like when you take a pain pill - the better a person they will be– what could be better than that?

Such a Commotion

I guess numbers 73 and 74 have caused a stir. My friends think differently about letting their husbands do things with other woman. I just don't get that. If Phil asks me if I want to see the latest shootem-up-car-chasen-crashing-dark-fast-moving-thriller-movie out at the theatre I would say no. If his lady co-worker, or a woman he knows, wants to see it with him, what's the big deal? I know how he feels about me. He knows how I feel about him. There's no harm, no foul.

Okay, some may say that it's flirting with disaster...I'm allowing the stage to be set for something else to happen. I know my husband. After 22 years, I should. His heart isn't going to wander any more than his hands will. And, to respond to those who say, "oh, I trust my husband, I just don't trust another woman;" there is just no way, Phil would allow anything to happen if she had some crazy idea to start something. I just know this to be true. I just do.

This is not to say I wouldn't complain if he asked her before asking me, on the off chance that I had aquired a taste for shootem-up-car-chasen-crashing-dark-fast-moving-thriller-movies. I don't care for these movies; I know he likes them, why should he go alone? Same for baseball. This is sheer bordom for me. I have gone; I have brought books. If SuzieQ in Phil's department happens to be a big Redhawks fan...well, "have fun. Here's a five for a beer." Not a problem. I know he'll be home after the game. He knows I'll be waiting for him.

To me, it is a matter of trust. Plain and simple.

Some will say I should just go with him even though it's not my thing. I have done this but I know in the end I am doing him a disservice. I have another friend who does everything with her husband. He's a big car fan; loves cars; loves to go to car shows and look under the hood and check the interior and talk car. They don't have the money to ever buy one but he loves to look. She goes to car shows with him and by her own admission says after the first 45 minutes, it's repetitive and boring to her. After the first hour of feinting interest, she gets sarcastic and answers his glee of discovery with "yeah, whatever." She heads off to the ladies room to break up the monotony. Soon her disinterest becomes so apparent, he gets annoyed with her. She's not enjoying herself and he feels bad for putting her through it.

Why not let him go with someone who shares this interest equally? So what, if it happens to be a woman?

Phil hates to go to thrift shops with me. Oh, he's good the first 15 minutes but after he's cased the place, he's done. He follows me around or goes and sits in the car. We're really not doing this together afterall so why bother. (Although, I would rather go alone and not have a thrift sh0p partner at all..man or woman.)

In the spirit of doing things together, we will stick with the things we are both interested in: eating out; watching football on TV; watching a favorite TV show; an occasional movie that we both want to see.

This is what we have done for over 20 years. I think it works.

100 Things about me

I saw someone's blog where they wrote down 100 things about themselves. So here goes: (in no particular order)
1 - I am not too crazy about people who are grumpy.
2 - I especially don't care for people who are selectively grumpy.
3 - I believe every day is a gift. Even Mondays.
4 - I believe in Love.
5 - I believe that men hear on a different frequency than woman.
6 - I can do anything I put my mind to.
7 - Phil is my dreamboat
8 - I buy all my clothes at thrift shops (not underwear, shoes, socks, hoses)
9 - I'm thankful there are some size 12 women who donate their Liz Wear to thrift shops.
10-I love football
11- I love the Buffalo Bills
12- I never cared much for Jim Kelly (although, I understand he thought highly of me)
13- I love to write
14- I procrastinate too much on my writing
15 - I love to learn new software
16 - I couldn't live without my computer (okay I could but I won't like it.)
17- I don't think we should explore outer space or look for life elsewhere. (A fly comes to my table, I kill him)
18 - People who won't let you in should be avoided.
19-You are never too busy if you really want to do something.
20- I use the library for books (as opposed to buying them)
21 - Don't tell me you programmed my phone number in you phone if you're never going to call me back.
22- My favorite color is clear.
23 - I don't like poems if they're obscure.
24 - Say what you mean.
25- My favorite authors are Jonathan Tropper, William Kolwalski, and Richard Russo.
26 - I love sleeping with the window open even when it's 40 degrees outside.
27 - Fall is my favorite season
28 - I love cheesecake, coconut cream pie and pecan bread.
29- I'm addicted to diet Coke
30 - I wish the weather wasn't so bad in Western NY so I would be more apt to move back there.
31 - I dislike people who are rude or short. (not in height)
32 - I like TLC and shows about Flipping houses
33 - I wish I was more handy (see number 6)
34 - I'm glad I'm tall.
35 - I'm secure in the knowledge that my feet are big.
36 - I hate it when I repeat myself.
37 - I hate it when other people repeat themselves.
38 - I love dogs
39 - I'm not too crazy about cats40 - I like having breakfast at IHOP or Dennys
41 - I like having cereal for a snack.
42 - People at work should always say "good morning" and "so-long" at the beginning and end of each workday.
43- I believe in God.
44 - My first car was a '79 Duster I named "Jackson" because it was Brown and "running on empty."
45 - I took a small pocketbook from a jacket hanging in the cloak room in kindergarden and I hid it in the leaves by my house. I felt very guilty for a long time.
46 - My first boyfriend's name was Donny.
47 - My favorite football players were Doug Flutie and Frank Reich.
48 - I named my first dog "Elliot Garfield" after the main character in the Goodbye Girl played by Richard Dreyfess.
49 - I have Marfan's Syndrome
50 - I quit smoking 6 years ago for good.
51 - I like NA beer
52 - I hate to shower (but I do it anyway)
53 - I drive a standard
54 - I wish naps at work were mandatory
55 - I have a brother named Jim and a brother named Ed.
56 - I call Ed "Weird"
57 - He answers.
58 - I can't have kids.
59 - I'm finally okay with that.
60 - After being a victim of a tornado at ten, I was afraid of the wind until I was 16.
61 - I hate bugs.
62 - I'm not an outdoor person.
63 - I want to live in a condo.
64 - I grew up outside of Buffalo NY but have never been to NYC.
65 - I wish my neighbors would invite me over for an NA beer and a football game on a Sunday.
66 - I take an antidepressant
67 - I think it works
68- I can't tell the difference between regular TV and high definition.
69 - I sometimes wear men's slacks and shoes.
70 - My husband and I have the exact same hand span.
71 - I like a beef BOB from Taco Bueno. No sour cream.
72 - I see no logic in racing to a red light.
73 - My husband could go to a baseball game with another woman and I would be okay with that.
74 - My husband can do anything with another woman who's willing if I am not.
75 - I'm lactose intolerant
76 - I have 6 more hours to go to get my bachelors degree.
77 - I'm addicted to Minesweeper
78 - I'm photophobic
79- I love shade.
80- I used to do stand up comedy.
81 - I once sold a joke to Margaret Smith.
82 - I've published some articles in the Buffalo News and Oklahoma Women.
83 - I think Mike Rowe (Dirty Jobs) is the Mike Defeno (character on Desperate Housewives) of the Discovery Channel.
84 - I think Ty Pennington is Ernest with sex appeal.
85 - CEOs should not make more money than all their staff combined.
86 - Politicians shouldn't be in it for the money.
87 - Teachers shouldn't be in it for the money.
88- Firefighters are under paid.
89 - The only thing that will make the world's countries get along would be a visit from outer space with an ultimatum.
90- I miss my Momma.
91 - Being sad is a waste of time.
92 - A dead end is a place to turn around (thank you Y)
93 - You should learn something new every day.
94 - Not everything is black and white.
95 - I h8 it when people write "how r u?"
96 - And, it's not "your the best" or "their they go"...ah...makes me crazy.
97 - I love Country music
98 - I want Phil to do this.
99 - I'm fearful of a home invasion.
100 - I drive a Focus.

The Holiday is Here

Yeah! Three whole days of doing my own thing! So psyched.

This is new to me; this being off and not thinking about work. Before I changed jobs, I was at work every Saturday (or Sunday...one or the other) even on a holiday weekend. When I left there, I was kind of lost on Saturday. I didn't know what to do with myself. I know, you're thinking that's nuts. It's weird for me though. Work defines me; it gives me a reason to get up. I don't think I could ever work from home...well, not for someone else. I would be too tempted to sleep in; to say to myself "oh, I'll work late or through my lunch." I don't think I'd be disciplined enough.

This is going to sound crazy to many of you, but I'm still not sure what to do with my weekends. Oh yes, there's laundry and cleaning but (yawn) work at least stimulated me (mentally, silly) I signed up for a tiling class at Home Depot for tomorrow. Phil and I are going to look at a workout place to possibly join. There's always the thrift stores to check out. And yard sales.

I'll figure it out.

Home Alone

My husband went home for a few days. I am home alone...me and Lucky Dog doing some mother/doghter bonding. I, once again, feel bad that I am happy for this time alone. I told Phil, "No offense, but I am enjoying this time." I think he thinks it's a testiment to "us" like I'd rather be on my own. It's not though; it's just a great opportunity for me to do my own thing when I want to do it. This is what I have done:

• Ran errands all day (had the day off from work)
• Went shopping
• Went to garage sales
• Bought a Sara Lee Coconut Cream pie and I'm eating it all! Not in one sitting but it's all mine! I don't even use a plate, just started eating it right from the tin. (I am using a fork though)
• Watched whatever I wanted on three of the TVs in the house (ran from room to room while I was picking up the place)\
• Did laundry
• Picked up the place

You are no doubt thinking I'm out of control. I know it.

What's happening..

Well, we took Duchess back. We didn't ask for a refund. I felt bad; felt like I let her down...but this is what happens when you try to bite me. I'm just like that.

We did find another dog this past Saturday. She is six years old...a Dachshund Mix...very lovely dovely..perhaps too lovely dovely. She's pretty sprye for a 6 year old. She is so funny too. She hides her dog dish, guess she's not so keen on dry dog food. I am much happier with a dog that doesn't want, or appear to want, to take a chunk out of me. We named her Lucky Dog. In German it is Glucklich Hund. Lucky Dog is much easiler. She really seems to know her name. The OKC pound had named her Greta, a nice German name, but she did not respond to it. The pound tatoos numbers on each dog belly, for ID purposes of course. We thought maybe they may be lucky numbers so we played them in the PowerBall. Not a one came in. I guess we are just lucky to have a nice new to us doggy.

Here's her picture..

Oh What to Do?

Phil and I adopted a dog today. Her name is Duchess and she's eight years old. I felt okay that she was older because she'd be pretty mild mannered, calm...just sleep a lot. She was a little apprehensive of us at first but we figured she was just being shy and unsure of us. At the adoption place, she started to warm up to us. The lady put her on the bench next to me and she stopped shaking and all was well. On the way home, she was on Phil's lap. She wasn't shaking or appearing nervous. We were thinking, this is so great. We're going to be a family.

A couple hours into our new life, she got weird. She hid in an area near the windows. Phil went to pet her and she snapped at him. We figured she just needed more time. Phil backed off. A little while later, I went to pet her and she snapped at me too. I really want this to work but I can't live with a dog that I'm afraid of. She has to go back. I feel so sad. I called the lady at the adoption place. She says she was kind of nippy when she first came to them but she warmed up to them. I should give her more time but for some reason, I can't. I want a friendly dog. I'm sorry this is not part of Duchess's make up...I thought it would be but it's clear to me it is not. I am very sad.

I'm the traveler from hell.

I'm in Western NY. I almost didn't make it because Delta over books and then when there's a delay, stand by in your only chance of getting to your final destination.

I got to the OK airport in plenty of time. I had hoped almost having my Pepno Bismo confiscated was going to be my only mishap. Aw, wishful thinking. Our plane was late getting in. We finally boarded. My layover in Atlanta was now reduced to 20 minutes. Or, so I thought. Next they asked for two people to volunteer to get off the plane. They got one taker. Then they came on and said we all had to deplane. "Why?" a passenger asked.

The attendant gave this deer in the headlight look as she tried to decide what words to use. "I don't know but the firetrucks are here and they said everyone needs to get off." No one hesitated then.

Apparently, they over filled the gas tank and some of the fuel spilled over the side of the plane and on to the tarmac. The attentant in the airport said she wasn't sure how long it would take because in the seven years she worked there, it had never happened.

Finally we are back on the plane and in the air. Of course, I miss my connection. I go to the Delta service center and she tells me the next plane is overbooked but try it anyway. I ask for a food voucher..it's their fault they over filled the gastank. She gives me one. After I eat...a very good "All American Grill Chicken" sandwich from this Sports Stop place near my gate, I go to the desk and the next flight is over booked...they are going to have to pay to get people to give up their seats. The next available is on Saturday! Yes, the day after Thursday! She tells me to go to the Delta Service center. I go there. A very nice man tells me that the next flight is over booked, so is the one after that..so are the three flights on Friday. He confirms for a flight on Saturday. He give me a voucher for a hotel and two meals....tells me I can try to get on the next flight, on stand by, but he's not too confident that will happen. I got back to the gate and my name is on the standby list...number 7. I wait. The boarding is done. They call names. People are getting on. Then more names are called. People are NOT showing up. I can't believe it...Evam Mahoney...they announce. I run up to the lady. She tells me to get on the plane. I look at the girl, who I was talking to, she yells out, congratuations. I start to run down the shoot; they call me back....I didnt stop to get my ticket. I'm so excited! I'm going home!

It takes a long time for the plane to get clearance...but it's okay..I can't believe my good forture. I am convinced Mary Mollie had a hand in it!

Shouldn't I?

Since I don't have any kids and ultimately no grand kids, shouldn't I be successful? I mean really successful? Like a doctor or a lawyer or CEO of something? Isn't making a great living, for a woman, the opposite of motherhood? Yes, yes yes...there are women who "have it all"; a great career which they juggle w/ motherhood. But, ultimately, the career gets put on hold if they kids are in need of the mother. This is how it should be. So if I don't have kids, I should be making a ton of money to compensate. I don't. This is sad..but true and I'm too tired to say why....for now.

First Week Down

Wow...I worked a whole week at my new job. By the end of Tuesday I was already thinking "weekend." Finally it is here.

How do I like my new job? Well, there's this huge learning curve...not just the work either. I have to learn passcodes and passwords and my way to the ladies' room. I have to learn where the mail goes, who does what, who to email when this happens, who to not email, the procedure to get white out, how to enter my time in and what my job title and phone number is. I can honestly tell you I don't know what my new phone number is. I have to look it up. I have to look up my password to get into the system. They tell me what it is and it's one of these PWs you can't remember like "tc42i01"...no rhyme, no reason (that isn't my password, in case you think it is). I'm learning the people...this is hard. There is so many faces and names to remember. Plus you have to learn about them..if not acknowledging your existance is really a sign they don't like you or just their normal disposition.

So far so good. There are pluses to this job over my old job but there are negatives too. I used to complain about my "Awfical" now I don't have one...I have an office...that I share with three other ladies. Fortunately, so far, none of them have annoying snorting habits or stink excessively. The breaks are designated and the smokers go right by our office, like cattle crossing to get to the outdoors. Fifteen minutes later, they are back reeking of cigarette smoke and sweat.

But, all in all...it is good. The work is challendging; probably would be more if my new boss gave it to me at once. I'm happy she is rationing it out as I get more comfortable. I'm not overwhelmed...just whelmed. LIfe is good.

Letting Go

Yesterday was my last day of work at a place I had worked at for over eight years. I don't know what the average tenure is at a job, but I think eight years is a long time. I've made some great connections, some great friends...friends in the sense that we like each other, value what we each bring to the workplace, trust one another to be fair and recognize that we are different but basically want the same thing.

Before I left I had 3 and a half days to give my replacement a crash course in her new duties. Trust me when I say, this is not near long enough. There are so many aspects to the job; so many ways to do things in the event this happens or that happens or if nothing happens. You are so dependant on the other side -send out the forms and the reciever needs to complete them correctly and completely and although we are dealing with highly educated people, what does come back isn't always correct or complete. So on to Plan B. In this job you can be up to Plan H before you can say, "okay that's that...time to move on."

I think maybe I'm overly responsible. Is there such a thing? Maybe it's part of my OCD. A disability perhaps. (Can I get Federal aid?) I have a hard time letting go. I talked to my replacement a few times today and I was happy she accepted by offer to call me. She is overwhelmed and I don't blame her. So much to know; so much I know that took me eight years to understand. I won't object to go in tomorrow afternoon...for the definate last time. But that's up to management. I made the offer; whatever they decide is the best way. My brother says I'm trying to empty out the Pacific Ocean with a bucket. I see his point but I want to feel like I've left this job in the best possible state. I don't fool myself into believing I could leave it caught up. It's one that is never done.

Drug Testing

I had to have a physical for my new job. I also had to have a drug test. This was an interesting experience. I have never done this before. I didn't know know what to expect. They go to great lengths to make sure you don't cheat on the test. They turn the water off to the rest room, they make the toilet water blue. No one told me I was being timed. I'm not good under that pressure. It's hard enough to pee into a cup much less have to do it quickly. They give you four minutes...that's it. Talk about performance anxiety.

The first time I didn't pee enough. They want a good inch in the cup. That try was tossed and I had to do it again after the physical. I drank five glasses of water. After the physical, which consisted of 20 minutes of waiting for the doctor to come into the exam room, followed by a couple questions, and feel of my neck glands and a quick listen to the heart, I was dressed and into to the lobby to wait for "the urge."

I was out there for 10 minutes. I told them I was ready. Again, I had to leave my purse in one room, sign papers, get escorted to the lav; toilet water made blue, water shut off and the clock was ticking. This time I was very successful. It was like nursery school where I clapped at my performance and was so proud of myself. "Good girl!" Mission accomplished. Then I had to watch the tech put my labels on the viles (she had transfered the pee to them), watched her put the viles into a plastic bag and watch her seal the bag. Again, sign more papers and finally I was done. So happy with myself. :)

Inappropiate Disclosure

I gave notice at the job I've been at for over 8 years. Management finally got around to announcing it. It was making me nuts because for over 8 days I've had to keep this news to myself. I was asked to "not discuss it" with my co-workers, my friends, the people I've been sharing and being shared to with pieces of each other for a long time. It was so hard for me. I'm the best secret keeper, as long as they are other people's secrets. I'm not so good with my own though. Well, I can be but it kills me.

It reminds me of my youth, when I'd buy my brother a Birthday present and give it to him. I'd be busting at the seams waiting for him to open it; to share in my delight at finding a great gift. He knew it too. He'd say, "Oh, thanks, I'll open it later." It would make me nuts!

Finally the VP announces it to all at a staff meeting called just for this occassion. But not only does he tell them I'm leaving, he also shares with them the place I'm going to. Now, personally, I don't care if people know where I'm going; it's not like I just got hired at the adult bookstore down the street, but isn't that up to me? Shouldn't I be the one to tell them, if I choose, where I'm going? I wanted to blurt out, "I'll take Inappropiate Disclosure" for $500, Alex." But I didn't. I also wanted to say, "FINALLY, SOMETHING ABOUT ME!" It seems like he stoled that from me. Here was my time to have the attention of everyone in the room, as they sat on the edge of their seats (although we were all standing) and waited for me to drop the bomb. But it was snatched from me. Oh, you can call me petty; I get that but right is right.

If I had my way....

• Everyone would greet their co-workers with a cheerful "Good morning!"
• Everyone would acknowledge the people around them.
• When your co-worker left work, he or she would call out to you, "Have a great day!" Or at least a quick, "See ya."
• Your boss wouldn't take your idea, rework it a bit, and call it her/his own.
• No company could outsource to anywhere just because they can save a few bucks.
• CEO's, despite working for a "private" company, could NOT make more in a year what the collective staff makes in a year.
• People were not in it for the money. Doctors were in it to help people; senators were in it to make a difference, teachers were in it to teach.
• The VP of your company would take you out for lunch on your birthday.
• Creativity would be encouraged even if it wasn't on your job description.

Something is Clearly Wrong with Me

Okay, I'm the first to admit, I'm cheap. I've said it before, and I'll say it again but something clearly must be wrong with me because I think it's a shame that people even consider spending over $30 on a concert ticket.

I am floored to see that one ticket to Rod Stewart costs $125. Oh, but when you order them online there's a $3 Building Facility charge and $14.05 "convenience Charge" -whatever that is. Come on people! I like Rod. I remember, years ago, my best friend Lori was dating Paul and there was another girl named Sherri who hung around us and Lori would sing about the "big breasted lady with the dutch accent" who tried to change Paul's point of view. Rod was a big part of my teen years but, come on $143! Surely, I can't be the only one with this mentality? No?

I asked a co-worker today. She said, "well all the entertainers charge a lot." Okay then they're all money hungry capitalists. I know it cost a lot to put on a great show and they all want to be "entertainer of the year" but give me a break. What happened to being a performer for the thrill of the crowd? Aw....it makes me nut. I think they should be all ashamed of themselves. Aren't we in a recession? Isn't money suppose to be tight?

$143 is actually the lowest; the nosebled section of the Ford Center. That's just crazy to me.

What's the matter with me?

I go to work and all day I think, "if I only were home, I could learn something on the computer or I could write or I could clean!" I think this all day long and then when I get home, I have no interest in doing any of it. I want to eat, watch a little TV, check my email, maybe play a game on Myway.com. Then there's the things I HAVE to do, dishes, shower, get my clothes ready for the next day, clean a little, make my lunch for tomorrow. And it's time for bed.

Aaaaaaghhhhhh! It's so frustrating. I'm dead tired right now; not to mention I took a Darovet for my back. It's almost 9pm. Yeah! I can hit the hay soon...completing unsatisfied at what I haven't accomplished....but sleep nonetheless.

Gawd, I'm so boring!

Something to Celebrate!!!!

My mama and her twin were borne today 72 years ago! For the first time in over 20 years, they are celebrating together in heaven. I'm celebrating on earth...sending both of them my happy wishes.

I believe they are happy, happy to be in each other's company once again.

This picture was taken before they went to their prom.

This one when they were kids.

And so it goes....

To my Blog readers, both of you, thanks for reading. I have nothing new to tell you. Still hoping an employer hires Phil to do the antiqued COBOL programming he learned in the early 90s. Surely someone out there needs help programming on a mainframe, no? Surely God will help us find our way.

It's so weird without football. I'm so sad it's over. Yeah, I know, the big one is next week but then that's it. I don't get excited about the Probowl either. Football watching was fun...back in the day when my husband was employed and the biggest decision we needed to make was what to pick up to eat before kick off. I'm just a simple girl who enjoys a steady income.

Well, that's all for now.

Life, Jobs, Weather

Okay...still unemployed; still hurting from the revelation that we put all our eggs in the Hertz basket and that was wrong....wrong, like merengue on chocolate pie. I have decided to believe that it will indeed all work out. I was facing a black cloud that scared the bejesus out of me so I'm running like a crazy person in the other direction.

We had the threat of severe weather. Earlier this week all the local weatherman insisted we were going to get a lot of snow...record breaking....didn't happen. I'm happy for that. I wonder if Rick Mitchell, my favorite weatherman, is sitting around shaking his head, saying, "I really thought we were going to get hit. I can't believe I was so far off. I'm such a failure."

Keeping your head above water

It's not so easy. There are times when all I want to do is sleep. Finding a job isn't hard; finding a job that pays is. Phi's working on it the best he can. There's just so much to think about and decide. What to do about insurance? Should we move back to NY; move in with my dad. It might help him too. I feel we need to do it now, while money is still coming in.

Counting Our Blessing

Okay...I lost my dog on Friday. I had to put her down. My husband lost his job on Friday too. My dad is scheduled for triple bypass heart surgery tomorrow and I can't be there. Serious, life altering events all happening at once. Feels really weird...like are we getting all the bad stuff out of the way.

I feel good to have made a decision today. I hate to do it, but I dropped my class. I just didn't think I could focus on it. Plus the $400+ will come in handy. So many things to think about...insurance, being able to pay our bills...it's mind boggling. I need a sleeping pill.

It could be worse. At least Phil got severance and vacation pay. As my mama always said, "it's going to all work out."

Our Scruffy Girl

May she rest in peace.

Hertz sucks

I know that's harsh but they do. My husband worked for them for almost 10 years. They were the reason why we moved to OK. On Friday, Phil stopped to pick up donuts on his way to work because it was his turn. Before he could get to his desk, the head honcho waylaid him to his office where he told Phil he no longer had a job.

Phil just got a raise and a promotion in November! Talk about building a false sense of security! Holy crap. His bosses watched as he packed up his desk and then they escorted him to his car. Now, Phil was not alone. Tens of Hertz employees were let go yesterday. This really sucks.

It's a good thing Hertz is a big contributor to the United Way because many of those who were "laid off" might need their services.

New Year

Okay....here we go again. My head is swimming with ideas of things I should do or not do for the New Year. If you think about all the things you have to do everyday...or are suppose to do everyday...when can you sleep?

Here is an example of what everyone is suppose to do each day:

Bathe/shower: brush 3x/day: floss: drink 8 glasses of water; take their vitamins/pills; exercise - walk 1/2 hour per day; stretch; work, usually 8 hours per day; commute back and forth to work; eat three meals; prepare three meals; do the dishes; read the Bible or something inspirational; do some housework (it has to get done); do some home repair, prepare for the next day; learn something; sleep...6-8 hours.

Yeah, this is not true for everyone...some people have other people available to them to prepare their meals and do their housework, run their bath, drive them to work. Or some don't work or some work at home. All in all....there's just too much.

I want to learn something every day. I signed up for online computer training...cost my employer almost $300 but when is there time? Plus, everyone needs some time to just do something fun and a waste of time...for me it is play Pop Drop at myway.com. The game is stupid as I don't win anything...not really and it's time consuming...time better spent elsewhere. I usually only play one game a day and I'm usually on the phone or listening to a TV program.

This leads me to another thing..TV. Who really has the time? I watch a few shows but mostly I listen to them while I'm making my meals, working on the computer, folding laundry.

I can not imagine having kids. Gawd, where do these people find the time. My brother has two kids and he's constantly going... a lot more than I would if I had kids. (He had to end our conversation once because his 11 year old son wanted apple cider and he had to drive to a store to get it for him. Yeah, like that would happen if I was the parent. He says it's different when you have them...you do things you would swear you won't if you didn't have kids and were imaging you had them.)

I guess I really need to resolve to not sleep so much. Let's see if that happens.

Christmas Eve

Okay, here we are again. Another Christmas Eve. Phil and I have watched football today...Bills are out of it as they lost. Oh well. Phil is making pumpkin pie. We will go to church tonight for the candlelight service. I wonder if the preacher will tell a charming Christmas story of his adventures the last few weeks where he found the true meaning of Christmas in the most unlikely of places. He tells one each year but they are not stories where he actually was the partipate but he will say he is. Seems to be to be wrong. (See my post from last Christmas Eve.) At least it is to me.

There is no snow here in Oklahoma...this isn't so unusual. There is also no snow back home in Western New York which is downright weird. Not having a white Christmas there seems sacreligious. As wrong as narrating a Christmas story that didn't happen to you....but less consequential.

I have much to be thankful for...I have been blessed. Yes, my mother is not here on this earth anymore and that pains me so, but all in all, life is good. Any troubles I may have can be best summed up by the words of my mama..."it will all work out." I truly believe her.

This is my first post on this new beta Google version. I'm not sure what the difference is. Guess I'll see when I post.

To my loyal readers..both of you....Merry Christmas!

Ambivilence

Oklahoma got hit with a snow storm. I wanted to go to work...got up early, dressed in long johns and jeans..packed up lunch and bag...opened up the garage....went out to get the paper...slipped and slide across the drive-way...called my boss. She said she was going. I really wanted to go...but then I thought better of it. The thing is, I really feel bad about it...like I petered out on my employer. Turns out, my boss never made it in either.

Tomorrow is still iffy. The drive way has about 6 inches of snow...more in drifted areas. I need to get out but I might get stuck. I think I'm TOO committed to my employer...not good for my well being.

Presumption

I am amazed sometimes at how wrong I can be about people.

My friend a work, D, has been dating a man for over a year. I had never met him or seen pictures of him. For the past year, he was sent her flowers, a lot of flowers. One day he sent five dozen roses. It was huge...very beautiful. The frequency is sporatic...one week, it's every day; the next time will be a month later for three days. D has told me stories of trips she has gone on with him..to see Elton John in Tennessee (or some place, can't remember but they had to fly there). He has surprised her on a number of occasions, no doubt more than I know about. I know this man owns his own business. These are the things I know about him. For some reason, based on this knowledge I had envisioned a "white collar" kind of guy; a man who gets a manicure; a man of average height and weight. I don't know why. D has never shared any physical description with me. I just jumped to my own conclusions.

Yesterday, since my husband went home to be with his mom for the holiday, I went to D's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I pulled into the driveway. A rather large man was sitting there and D came out of the house to greet me. I asked her, "is this your brother?" She says, "no this is Tom!" This man was exactly the opposite of what I imaged. Like I said he was big, no doubt over 6'2" and probably running 250lbs. I only hoped I covered by shock enough. Now, don't get me wrong...him being big isn't the issue here. The issue is how I came up with my illusion of what I thought he'd be. I just never imaged her with a man three times her size.

It just threw me.

What the &@#^

There are certain things that can make you swear. I don't like to swear but people are just so friggin' weird, you have no choice. Take yesterday. I work for a company that is divided into four departments: HS, PC, BI and ADMIN. I asked one of the VPs, H, in PC this question,

"If PC was a sleigh, what would you name it?" I could see the gears rolling around in her mid-aged mind. And I thought she was working on a name but out of her mouth came, "I don't know what you're after and I...I just can't go there." Like I had asked her if she enjoyed her "busines trip" (wink) with Bill the other VP. (We have a ton of VPs..of course I'm not one of them.)

Now if you think my question was weird, well you got to know me and she should. I'm the creative one of the company, the one who comes up with cute get well cards for fellow co-workers who are sick and distributes them around the office for signatures. I'm the jokester.

I know, people are different..and that's what makes life so interesting, blah blah blah. But there is different and there is just plain wrong. Like Saddam Husain..we could just say he's different and appreciate those qualities in him that make our life interesting. Thank God we don't and I don't mean to compare H to Hussain because if there were a scale of wrongness, he would be a 10 and she would be a .025. But really I don't think my question was so bazzare she couldn't answer it. I posed it to R in my department and he came up with a few names for our sleigh.

Oh and by the way, the reason for the question is because I'm writing a poem for the Christmas party in December...kind of a parody of T'was the Night before Christmas. This is if I can get some friggin input from people in other departments.

Also, i posed this question to H while standing in the reception area and the receptionist over heard me. She had this split second to decide who to take alliance with and of course she choose the VP. Her comeback to me in H's defense was, "Oh, I think you have too much time on your hands." To which H replied, I'd have to agree" This infuriated me and I wanted to say, "if I had more time I could do this on my own, you friggin morons." But I didn't. I left before they knew I was upset.

This upsets me more...knowing I can't control myself from getting upset. The more upset I get, the more upset I get. I know it's so stupid. It's really not even worth the time to blog about it but still I get upset. Basically, I'm mad at myself for being upset. Aw...I need to see a shrink, I know because at that point I can totally understand why people bring guns to work and torment their co-workers. Not that I would do it but I certainly can understand it. I understand the tormenting part....not the kiling part, so I've decided that makes me a better person than them, no?

Anyway, I've cooled down. Took my lunch hour early and bought a new dignital camera. Nothing can apeas you more than spending money you actually have.

Office Happiness

There's this quote taped to my "awfical" (office + cubical = offical but in my case it's "awfical) that reads:

"The people with whom you work reflect your own attitute. If you are suspicious, unfriendly and condescending, you will find these unlovely traits echoed all about you. Buf if you are on your best behavior, you will bring out the best in the persons with whom you are going to spend most of your waking hours."

Well, it's obviously fallen on blind eyes. I mean would it kill you to say "hello" in the morning? Yeah, we're all very busy. Not good enough.

Time is up; gotta run.

Where have I been, you wonder?

Okay loyal blog fans...both of you...I'm here, finally. The summer is almost over. Actually calendarwise it is over today. Yeah. We made it through the 106 degree days. This is not to say it won't happen...Theoretically it could. I've been looking so forward to fall, to football, to the death of those annoying crickets or whatever they are that live in the trees and make a ton of noise, to the end of basking in my own sweat. I will miss leaving the house each morning in a short sleeve shirt and not worrying about whether or not I will need a sweater. (Well, w/ AC you always need a sweater but I keep one at the office for that reason.) Life is good.

Missing my mom is my favorite pastime still. I was especially taken back when the Buffalo Bills won last Sunday. This is the first season without her to root on "her boys". They won and my first inclination was to call her. Crap.

I have removed myself from my job. My boss says in reference to my job, that "the job is what the job is." I've been at it for over seven years and I have been trying to make more out of it than it is. I want to "own" the job when in reality the best I could hope for is to "rent" the job. It's a job not a career. So, I do not put in more time than required, I do not donate any of my time, I walk out the door and don't look back. Until the next day. This is how they want it; this is how it is.

I'm going to watch a movie.

Thinking of my momma

It's still so hard for me. I remember a time, not too long ago, where I had convinced myself that because of my mom's drinking I wouldn't feel bad or miss her when she died. I convinced myself to believe that drinking was the reason why her bones were so brittle and she knew this going in and she was doing this to herself. This meant, her having some control over, her death would be partly her fault so I wouldn't miss her. Well, I was wrong. Big time wrong. Not a day goes by where I wish I could call her; just to chat...talk about nothing. We did that so well together. This sucks.

Fun at work...or not

I went to work today. I'm not allowed to put in more than five hours of OT each week. I hit the fifth hour last night. I brought work home and while doing it, I kept thinking I should go to work even though I don't get paid for it. I mean a sense of accomplishment is worth something, right? So I went in. I was totally alone. It wasn't fun and I have decided that if I'm not going to get something out of it, I'm not going to do it. I'd like to think that comtributiong to the cause is enough, but no one is going to know I was even there and if I have to say something to someone, that doesn't make me a good person. It's like I'm looking for approval.

During the work week, I'm not supposed to be doing photocopying or even writing letters because TPTB want to get that kind of work to someone else, someone who happens to have a few spare minutes to do MY work. This is to free me up to do more data entering. The problem with this is that there are so many variations to the work, so many things to watch out for while doing it but there isn't enough time to show someone these things. It's faster to do it myself than to train someone else who has their own work to do. It's human nature to not want to be as anal with someone else's work than your own. You do the best you can but there isn't time to understand why you need to do it a certain way.

There is a ton of filing to do; a ton of files that need to be pulled. I have pulled a ton already...A-S is done. I've done this on my own time and this project hasn't been too bad because I love seeing the finished product. I have been working on this project for over a year, of course I'm going to want to see it come to a close. That, too, is human nature.

My biggest fear is that my boss "D" will tell my co-worker "J", who is a salary employee that she needs to come in on a Saturday and have this filing boxing party. She'll tell J to bring in her 9 year old daughter, they will order a pizza, play the forbidden radio and have fun getting the job done. This will piss me off because I want this so much; to feel like this major conributer to "the cause"; to be recognized as a team player. But, if she invited me, she'd have to pay me and shw won't do that.

Truth be told, I wouldn't mind doing work without getting paid for it monetarily, but I want something...a feeling of community working towards something, a free lunch, a feeling of something more than what I have. Crap. I don't know if I'll ever find that.

Fortunately, life goes on.

And so it goes

I'm not being too successful in my quest to become connected. I haven't distributed the flyers for my Resident Association yet. I think I'm really afraid of being poo-pooed. I've been getting a lot of that lately. For some reason it seems to be magnified.

I called a church near my home and left a message that said who I was, and that I as interesting in knowing more about their church and would the minister please call me. This was three weeks ago. Still no call. I want to call back and say, "if I don't hear from you, I'll assume you have enough parishions and just have no room at the inn." No pun intended.

I enrolled in a class at UCO because I figured it was time I get my act together and go back. I believe I have only two classes left. I also booked a flight home around my class....before it started even though Phil wasn't able to go with me. Well, my boss tells me today I can't do it. The class is only offered during the day and she can't spare me two hours a week. I wanted to say, "if you can sleep at night knowing you are stunting my academic growth, okay."

She also make it clear she wasn't happy with my booking a flight before consulting with her. She kept saying, "Well, I hate to make you lose money because I can't let you go." As if I'd ever allow that to happen...like she was really in control of my destiny. I think if she said I couldn't go I would have told her, "well than Friday the 12th of August will be my last day. I'm giving you six weeks notice." I think I would have said it. Maybe not.

Life Goes On

It's been a while since I wrote here. I started a new blog where I write to my momma. It's kind of like when I used to call her every day or she'd call me. I just want to tell her the stuff going on inside my head. Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes not so much.

If there's one thing I have decided since losing her is that I want to be connected. I hate that I don't know my neighbors, that I don't have that sense of community in my life. I am trying to start a Resident Association. I am also thinking about joining a church.

I made up a flyer to hand out to my neighbors. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. I'm little apprehensive about it though. I'm so afraid of not getting a warm, happy reaction. Guess I don't take reject well. The problem with finding a church, and I've talked about this before, is that I have no interest in learning the Bible. None. I just want to be a good person who meets up with good people who do constructive things for people. Maybe I need to join a volunteer program. I don't know.

Life has been so different without my momma to talk to. Planning a trip home doesn't have the same urgency as it used to. I guess that's normanl.

Mary Mollie- My momma

  

Letting Go

My momma is gone. She died on Friday morning, May 19th at 1:05am. I have so much to say and so much I want to avoid getting into. It has been a rollercoaster ride the psst few days...emotionally, mentally and even physically.

I got to the ICU at the hospital at 1am on the 18th. Jim was saying how bad she looked. I guess I was expecting worse that what she was. She did not look good, this is true. By now, they had removed her teeth. She talked to me in little snibetts of info. She knew I was there. Mostly she sleep so Jim and I left to go to his house to sleep. In the morning, we all met up at her station in the ICU. We told her that we wanted her to be out of pain; they it could be done; that we could take her off the medicine that was keeping her blood pressure up and all other medicines that were bascially substaining her and then we could give her something for the pain that would make her more comfortable. She replied a few minutes later, "so I'm going to just go?" I believe it was a question and not a statement. We told her yes. We asked, do you want to be out of pain. Her reply was, "yes" but I'm not totally convinced she wanted to "just go." I think she was still mulling it over in her drug induced mind. The hospital people wasted no time in getting mom disconnected from everything..all the monitors and such. It was almost like they had someone waiting to use the bed. Mom said, "I want to say something." We waited as she conjured up the words. "Thank you for being my family." All of us lost it at this point.

More later.

The System of Pain

There is a serious flaw in the system of pain; in particular, how it is dispersed. There are two ways it can be done. First, it should be distributed based on the goodness of the person. The better a person you are, the less pain you recieve. Now, I know, not having pain is a bad thing...pain does have it's advantages because it tells you when to stop bending your finger back or pulling on your eye lid. It also tells you when to seek medical attention. Pain should be limited, however, when the receptant is a 71 year old woman who has never hurt a flea. Sadam Husain would be a good example of someone who is in chronic, never ending pain. Murders, rapists, pediphils too. If this were the way it was, we wouldn't need a court system to bring them to justice, justice would be served on its own. Also, the news headlines would be a vehicle for which we can get our info on who has been bad. This would in turn deter potentially bad people from being bad.

Another way pain could be distributed would be based on how insurance is structure. For example, once you had reached your deductible of pain, you will only have to endure 20% of it. This way, you are not constantly in pain and you can say, "I have had enough" and it would be true.

I believe in God but I have to say (and please God, it's not really a criticm..more like an observation) some of the things he has come up with are flawed and you wouldn't expect that from him. Afterall he's God.

Mom, work, my back

So much is going on lately. I haven't blogged because not all is good. Mom is in rehab. I wish it was a drug addiction. It's for her legs...well she was hoping to learn to walk again. You know it is true, you do need to "use it or lose it." The PT people there were really pushing her even though it hurt. She was pushing herself too. Then they decided to x-ray her. And they find her hip is broken! They did surgery on that on Monday but before she went under the doctor tells her that she most likely has bone cancer. He gives her 2 months to 2 years. "This is a big blow," she tells me before the surgery, "but I have to do the surgery because I want to walk." She is deternmined. The surgeon wasn't quit so "doom and gloom" but we are still waiting on the biopsy. She's tough, I know. She says she wants to fight.

After the surgery she was in a lot of pain. They put a plate in her hip and some bolts and screws. Mom is full of metal now. No MRI's for her. She's back in rehab now. She says her pelvis hurts more than her hip. My fear of losing her is not as strong as my desire for her to be out of pain or at least let it be minimal.

My brother and family have been planning a trip here since last April. Mom tells them to go. This is normally a good thing. I want them here but I also want to go home. I have booked a flight after they leave. I need to see her!

Work is very busy but I am not minding it. I really am not. I'm going in tomorrow. There is so much I can get done, especially on a Sunday. I have a lot I want to get done before may family arrives and before I leave for NY.

My back/hip problems are muscular not osteo...like my mom's. Well, my bones are thinning but that is under control. (Of course, if I could give up the coke I'd be better off.) I had an MRI. I will be going back to PT and also massage therapy. That is good.

That's all.

When do you write someone off?

I have a friend, well, I thought we were friends, who hasn't returned my call. I've left her three voice messages. Is this enough? Can I say, I've tried and now it's time to move on. Well, in all fairness, we were not real close to begin with. We had lunch together every six weeks or so. Then she lost her job. I left messages to show her I supported her but she hasn't returned any..not even a voice message. It's been over 2 months. If I leave her another, would it be borderline stalking?

This is where I think it would be handy to have a "friendship application." I know the journey to finding friendship is suppose to be part of the experience but sometimes you have to wonder if the effort is worth it. What if you put a lot of time and energy into a potential friendship only to find out they're "not that interested." It might be best to know up front what kind of relationship are they looking for. Do they have enough friends already? Is the close friend position already taken? Do we just send each other Christmas cards and acknowledge each other in line at Walmart? Do we get together for beer and wings during Monday night football? What? I did develope an application for my humor writing classl. You can view it here.

I hope my friend calls me. I really do. It would be a shame for me to give up only to discover that's not what she wants. In the meantime...her number is still programmed in my cell. Just in case.

Lent and other things

My husband and I were trying to think of what we should give up for lent. He is Catholic so he takes this a little more seriously than I do. He will give up meat on Fridays until Easter.

The other day, after giving Scruffy Girl her evening food, Phil got upset because she didn't eat it. He was really taking it personally, like he had been slaving over a hot stove for hours in order to prepare it. That is when I said, "Okay, this is what you are going to give up! No more stressing over things you have no control over. No more bellyaching for stuff that you can not control." To my surprise he agreed.

I wast thinking, yeah, I really need to do this too. There are so many times that I get upset over things at work...how they are handled. I have littled control. I am making a conscious effort to stop. Another thing...I'm going to stop apologizing for asking people to do their jobs. I'm not going to say I'm sorry to my doctors office when I request a refill on my prescription. I'm not going to apologize to my boss for interupting her. It's a question pretaining to the business. It's not like i'm personally benefiting from knowing how to enter a provider into the system. It's my doctors job to supply me with the drugs I need; it's my bosses job to guide me so I can do a good job for our clients. I shouldn't be sorry.

And that's that.

Oh what a relief...

Okay. I made a decision. Right or wrong, I decided to drop my comedy writing class. I know, I know...I'm running away but you would believe the stress it was causing me. I mean. I feel bad for giving up but oh so good that I don't have to study, read or write something I find so hard to do. It's like this huge weight is off my shoulders.

Okay, I know, you might wonder how stressful it can be but it was. If it were happy humor...Erma Bombeck, Dave Barry or Art Buchwald comedy, I would love it. It was this dark Joe Orton, Catch 22 humor. I hated it.

So I feel better and that's all there is to it.

I need to post

I have no clue as to what I should say. Really. What I feel is not public blog material.

Desperate Housewives was good tonight. I really like that show. Oh and I watched Curb Your Enthusiasm. I had gotten that show confused with the Arresting Development. I don't care much for AD. I hate the bouncy camera. Phil and I had ordered "Friday Night Lights" from Netflicks. I couldn't stand the movie because of hte bouncy camera. It's aggravating.

The Olympics have been interesting. I am waiting for the lady figure skating. I want to see Emily Hughs. Her sister was so cute. I bet she is too.

That's it. Good night.

I have 10 minutes to say...

Oh man. The pressure's on. I have 10 minutes left to my lunch. I need to say something...anything..even if it's wrong.

Okay...I'm doing alright in this life I've created in Oklahoma. Sure, I could be richer, doing something more creative for a living and be a better housekeeper. But all in all...life is good. I know what I'm doing on my job and there is a lot to be done. I love making order out of chaos and this job gives me plenty of opportunities to do so. I love my house, despite the fact I can't keep it clean. I love my husband despite the fact he can make me nuts. I love my car. I love going to school and learning. I love my dog and my friends (although I could use more.)

Yeah...life is good.

How naive am I?

I dropped the class I talked about in my last post. I am now taking "Humor and Satire" writing. It's fun but I have discovered my sense of humor is way different that my classmates. Also, I am really naive.

One girl wrote a story about Ronald McDonald. Apparently, in the story someone throws a "right hook into the old babymaker." Someone said that was a good funny line. I was lost. I had to ask...what's the babymaker? I didn't get it. You probably know....it's the genitals. That never crossed my mind. Not once.

Yesterday, one kid wrote a song....not overly flattering towards Jesus. Okay...down right mean towards Jesus. He made reference to Jesus being gay. News flash! I never ever equated Jesus w/ homosexuality. These kids know about this contraversy. Where have I been?

The kids in class write things that don't seem funny to me. Even the instructor (who is no doubt a bit older than me) understands it. I thought it was a generation thing...but I'm not so sure. Maybe he's just used to it. I can't help but think something is wrong with me. Oh well.

First Class

I had my first class today in Women in Media. The first class is usually the "get to know" you class, where the instructor asks each of the students to say a little bit about themselves.

I always have such palpatations about doing this. You really want to make a good impression because it's so hard to change it later. As students are talking my brain is reeling, as I write down notes of what to say. In my head, I think what I am going to say is pretty humorous, but for some reason this is not how it comes out. I don't know why. I'm not good at winging it.

Of course, my desire to be liked is so counter productive. I think people sense this need. I might come across as needy.

The class is supported by a compilation book the instructor put together It is a heat bound volume of reprints of magazine articles. Due to copyright issues, she can not just copy and distribute them. I get that. But...the bookstore charges almost $80 for it. This is a book that has absolutely no resale value.

As I left, I asked four girls if they were going to buy it and if I could photocopy it, I'd pay them $30. No one would look at me. They discussed doing this for each other and one girl said she would make me a copy. I just didn't' feel like she was really sincere. Why wouldn't she look at me and acknowledge that she understood my need for a copy? I had to reiterate my request twice and apologize for being so anal about it. It was like I was invisible. I left there wondering if I was going to be getting a copy. I still really don't know for sure.

Now, after this, I am thinking I need to drop the class. There's this big group project at the end of the semester and I am terrified my group will be like these four girls were...like I won't be a part of it really...just that little match girl who looks in the window at the party going on but who is never really invited to join in. I know these are just silly insecurities but there are real.

Well, see.

Happy New Year!

Ok..here it is. The first day, okay evening, of 2006. Yeah. I'm off to a good start on my Life writing ritual...one of my resolutions. I have others. I think I have too many. Here they are:

• Be more diligent about my calcium supplement and my eye drops.


• Drink more water - (I bought a 24 pack of 20 oz bottles today and I drank a whole bottle...it's a start)


• Learn my new software - (I got a couple chapters done in Creating a Newsletter in Indesign


• Be more organized, especially at work -(I was in yesterday and I cleaned up the dust bunnies behind my monitor and organized some files...I felt good when I left there.)


• Not sleep so much so I have time to be more productive...(okay, that hasn't happened a lot but..well there's hope. I did accomplish a bit today.)


• Eat better (okay, hasn't happened but it will.)


• Exercise more

(You should know, I did the HTML on this list without looking at how to do it. Good, huh?)

Merry Christmas and Church last night

Phil and I went to church last night like we always do on Christmas Eve. We go late. We love the candles and the bells at midnight. We went to the First Christian Church of Edmond. We have gone there for every Christmas eve since moving to Edmond. It's a nice church, big and full of light...well until the lights go down...then it's really dark.

I feel bad because we do not know anyone. I said Merry Christmas to the ladies next to us but I wanted to say more (not during the service mind you, but before it got started.) I hate not feeling connected. Even when it was over, I wanted to rejoice "Merry Christmas" to everyone in sight but I consciencely restrained myself. (Yes, I choice I made and didn't have to go that way. Maybe I'm just shy. I can see those who know me, right now rolling their eyes to the ceiling at that thought.)

The service was very nice; a good mixture of gospel and song. One thing that bothered me though is this. One of the talkers...who could be a minister but I'm not sure...talked about an experience he had at Walmart. He apparently came upon a little boy who was wanting to buy a doll. His aunt told him he didn't have enough money for it. She conveniently slipped away down the aisle so this man was alone with the boy in the aisle. He asked the boy about the doll; why did he want to buy it. The boy explained he wanted to get his for sister who was in heaven and his mother was going to be joining her soon. The man asked the little boy to recount his money and while he helped him with this, he slipped in some extra money. The boy, to his delight, determined he did indeed had enough money for the doll and also for a white rose for his mother. Off the boy went with the aunt.

Later, the man discovered a report on the news that a woman and her little daughter were victims of a drunk driver. The little girl died on the scene and the mother was in a coma...her prognosis not very good. Days later he read that she did die. He went to the funeral home and found the mother...a doll and a white rose in the her casket with her.

It's a nice story to know that his minister was able to help this little boy with his grief and for the man to see a true meaning of Christmas. What bothers me is that this didn't happen to the minister...it happened to someone else. It might be petty but to personalize the story, to me, seems wrong. It's almost a form of plagiarism.

Last year he did this too; a story where all the people in line at Walmart handed up money to a single mom, who at the checkout didn't have enough. This too didn't happen in Edmond. I read it on the Internet.

I know what the point of the story is. I just think he should give some kind of disclaimer that this happened somewhere else and that the story had been relied to him from a different source.

Gawd, I hope this doesn't make me a scrooge.

Aw..Religion and Sins

I will be the first to admit, what I know about the Bible and religion you could stick in your bellybutton and still have room for your thumb.

I found a non-fiction book yesterday called...Understanding Your Man in the Mirror...something like that. It was a self help book for wives wishing to understand their husbands better. This book is heavy on religion. It says that all men (unless they are not heterosexual) will lust for woman who are not their wives and this is a sin. They need to pray to God to forgive them and then give them the strength to stop this activity. This is temptation. When I say lust, I don't mean stalkers who hide in the bushes with their extermities hanging out while they watch sunbathing women in meagerly clad outer wear. (This I know is wrong.) But the book says men who look at their waitress and have fleeting thoughts of a lapdance...this kind of lust. It's a sin!

I was in the lunchroom at work while I read this and told "P" about my findings. She totally agreed. This is a sin.

We got into a discussion about amendments..I mean commandments and what is needed to get to Heaven. I asked her why God gives us the ability to have desires like having fleeting thoughts of being (in the Biblical sense) with others who are not your spouse. She says this is the devil and God has given us Free Will to make the right choices.

For a man to look at a woman and think, deep in the back of his mind, "gee I wonder how she'd be in bed?"....a rather simple unhurtful fleeting thought is not a sin. Sorry, but even in my ignorant state I can't believe God would do that. If no one gets hurt, where's the offense?

My God wouldn't make life that hard.

More on this soon.

Friends, Gifts and Business

Okay, here's the scoop. I became friends w/ my co-worker Dee when I started working here in 1999. I began in February so by the time Christmas rolled around, we had developed a friendship. We exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts..like friends do. Then, a couple years later, Dee became my boss. This didn't change our gift exchanging traditions. A couple more years later, Dee became everyone's boss.

Now I give to her and she gives to me what she gives to everyone. For my birthday, I got a card. Not a special card; not a gift. Just a run-of-the-mill, from a box, not even from the card stand. For Christmas she handed out little tins of chocolate, cute but not like it used to be. It's not that I want a gift; that's not the issue! But she's my immediate supervisor (she only manages two employee directly but she manages all the managers who manage everyone else.) I can understand her thinking that she doesn't want to show favoritism but we were friends first and it hurts to think I'm nothing more to her than a subordinate.

The VP of the department gave the receptionist a gift for her birthday. I can understand him giving it to her, she does a lot to keep the phones answered. I understand that. Wouldn't others here understand if Dee did something special for me? I seriously doubt anyone would complain that she was showing favoritism. We were friends first, I work directly under her. It makes sense.

My fellow employee, who is also directly managed by Dee, asked me if I wanted to go in with her on something for Dee for Christmas. I told her I'm really ambivalent about it; should I continue to give her gifts? I'm giving something to everyone. I like to do this but I don't think I will be giving Dee anything better than what everyone else is getting.

I know in the whole scheme of things, this is really petty. It's just what's going through my mind.

Holiday Newsletter

Each year we have send out, to family and friends, our Holiday Newsletter from Oklahoma. Phil has always confessed he didn't like doing it; that he would rather send cards. Cards are good too if you have the time to sit down and write them out. We have over 70 to prepare to mail out. As an alternative, I started writing our year long News from the Okies.

Last year, I let Scruffy write it. It was good...a few mistakes could be found but what do you want from a dog? Scruffy talked about her advertures when she was "home alone" each day. Some days she slept on the sofa, sometimes in her basket; sometimes, when she really wanted to mix things up a bit, she'd sleep in the sun under the sky light in the master bath. In the letter she'd tell all that; how what Phil and I were doing would affect her. It was cute.

Yesterday, I told Phil that Scruffy needed to get going on this year's letter. Phil's response surprised me. "We don't do anything worth mentioning!" he declared. "Nobody should care."

My first response to this was, "Well, how does that make you feel? Do you think we should be doing exciting stuff?"

He didn't have an answer.

"Every day we can open our eyes and see the sun and hop in our cars to go to work is something worth mentioning. If we can breath, we can celebrate."

And that's how I feel.