So Ends Another Chapter

All my possessions from my office were delivered to me this afternoon. It's kind of sad (but I didn't cry). It's amazing how much stuff you accumulate over four years. I'm one of these people who tend to make my office an extension of my home. I bring in blankets (cause it's always freezing in office buildings) and pillows (not the kind you put on your bed, just ones for your chair) and shoes and a fan and a radio and a electric back massage cushion and more shoes.

I have cartoon journals that I create during my brain storming sessions. I've got to scan some of them....cause I'm really fuckin' funny. I don't usually swear but if it emphasizes something like this, it's okay...from time to time. Not all the time...over use is not cool in my book.

Anyway, I also had furniture I brought in to make my office a little nicer....a side table and chair and my own bar. No, I didn't serve drinks....not during office hours....just kidding but the bar was the right height so I could stand and work on ...well work and give my back a break from sitting. It was the perfect solution. And I had bought my own office chair because I wanted something with good support and not the hand me down that was available to me. (Although in all honesty I never asked for the company to buy me a new good chair.)

All of my stuff is in my house, now. There are boxes of it. Even Christmas decorations I had stowed away in the bar when not in season. It was all returned to me today in a bittersweet anti climatic non-celebration. I'm looking through it and reminiscing those good times.

Now I have to find a place for it. Some is going up on Craig's List; some I'm keeping for my next job...hopefully I can bring in the bar. Maybe I need to keep in well stocked. Perhaps this is where I went wrong? Hmm....just a thought. :)

Okay...now I'm talking about you...

Recently I wrote to a friend asking why I hadn't heard from her in a while. Her response came to me as a shock.

She wrote: I am sorry but because of your actions and the perspective that you put out to the world (which is your perspective) via your blog and your facebook page, I have made a personal decision to remove myself from this situation. If I don't act in the way you think I should or if I say something in which you do not agree, the situation ends up in your blog or on your facebook page.
I am totally blindsided! In the past I have written about people who I felt had wronged me....there's no denying it but NEVER this woman. I never had a reason too. She was my friend. She didn't do anything to warrant me to write about her. She has always been my biggest supporter. She was actually on the phone with me when my dad passed away. When my co-workers took up a collection for me when my dad died, there's no doubt she was one of the biggest contributors. She has always been the most thoughtful caring person I have every known.

I wrote her saying I didn't know what she was referring to but she hasn't acknowledged that email . She may never have read it. I don't know. It saddens me so much that she wants to walk away from our friendship especially since her reasoning is not sound. My only thinking is that she's using this as an excuse.
I have talked to many cancer survivors and read many blogs from people in my situation and many talk about someone who just can't handle the situation of knowing their friend is that much closer to facing their mortality. It's scary knowing a friend may not make it. I have to learn to accept the fact that everyone handles situations differently. Fight or flee? It's too bad for me she choose the latter. I will miss her.
Right now though I need to focus on my recovery and the support system I have! And that's what I need to do.

Disappointments, Friendships and Sadness

Fighting breast cancer just got a little tougher for me. No, I don't know of any new extra treatments I'm going to need....well maybe a little more psycho therapy is in order. Corporate America has reared its little head to say my services at my job are too vital; too important to be completed by whomever has a spare minute to get them done; whomever could drop what they were doing and make what would have been my issue if I were there, their priority. Well, that's pretty much why I had a full time job to do my job because it takes a lot of time and organization to do it right, thorough and give it the attention it deserves. I understand their decision...it's a business one and in this economy, you got to do what's good for business.

I can't help but feel (big mistake here I know) that I am worth any business making an acceptation for: I'm truly THAT good an employee. I'm that committed to them, why don't they feel the same way? I know...I'm not supposed to be...you don't talk business on your deathbed. Yeah I get that. Yes, where's that social worker?

Also there are friendships you develop over the past four years that are forever changed. Sure, you may stay in contact a little: send an occasional email which will probably end up turning in an occasional thrice forwarded joke or prayer. Maybe you'll stay friends on Facebook, maybe you won't. And when you just happen to run into each other at Walmart or the occasional Adult Bookstore :), you'll do that sideways hug and pat on the back, ask how you're doing but not really get into it. It will be different then seeing someone every work day, bonding over the coffee maker, talking about the game last night or this really cool new app you found for your IPad.

I have forged some really good friendships and I felt them slipping away the day I went out on short term disability. Don't get me wrong, I know of a handful of people who are there for me if I need them as I go through this cancer...most I have no qualms about calling in on their "hey, if you need something, call me...I mean it."

But there are others whose sincerity is just not there and it's understandable...really what can you do for someone you just know? I'm guessing they are thinking, "is sending a card too lame?" And they fear it is, so they do nothing. Or they think they will do something sometime but it just gets put on the back burner while they decide....and nothing happens....their life happens. I'm sure there are some who think, "I'll give her her space so she can recover without interruption." Because we all know opening a card takes a lot of energy. Let it be known: It's not lame. Hallmark got it right, "It really does show you care!" And there are days when that is all you need!

Unless you don't care and there's more therapy for me.

Now I will do my best to muddle through the rest of my recovery. My last chemo session is today. I'm glad of that but I'm terrified of how I'm going to be feeling if history repeats itself from the last five treatments. Plus now, I'm unemployed. Stay tuned.

Dear God....

I know I've been calling on you a lot lately but I have to tell you, I don't see an end in sight. Truth be told, this last chemo session has really kicked my butt, so much that I fear the next go around. I know I have a lot of people talking to you on my behalf and I hope it's okay if I ask for myself as well. It's been over two weeks since the fifth chemo treatment and I'm still feeling the side affects. I know you know what they are: the fatigue, inability to find food that I find worthy of eating; the saltiness of the water I try so hard to force myself to drink; the numbness in my fingertips and toes to the point that I have to keep shaking them so they don't fall asleep; the constant pain in my legs, my joints and the just plain over all crappy feeling. In the past, this has lessened a lot sooner but each treatment becomes worse than the last. I totally fear the next one. The only saving grace is, it will be the last. You willing, dear Lord! I don't think I can take more of this if it is not.
Please dear God, let there me an "all clear" at the end of this.
I never knew how much I loved food; going out and about, doing my own thing; taking a shower without collapsing from the effort. I never knew how much I loved my job; how little of an inconvenience it was to be on hold with Medicare for 30 minutes, how much I loved completed forms with PFD Professional, using my scanner, communicating with my insurance rep contacts and office managers of the clinics to whom I provide a serve. How I can't wait to get back to it. I love making order out of chaos and my job could be chaos if I let it. Before I had left, I had that under control. I can't wait to do it again when I get back. Having my job to get back to is one of the things that keeps me sane.
There is so much I have that's good in my life and I thank you so much each day. Thank you for my husband...he is my best friend and has been so good to me through all this craziness. Thank you for my family and my friends. I'm so grateful for my home, my car, some money in the bank. I have been truly blessed and I know I owe it all to you.

Who do I think I am? Oprah?

I have spent some time writing about people who have touched me or influenced me in some way but I noticed not nearly as much as those who have wronged me. Why is that? I suppose I expect people to be nice, thoughtful and caring creatures so when they are, it's not a big deal. I really need to change my thinking on this. You know, reinforce the positive and ignore the negative.

Oprah often asks, "if there's one thing I know for sure it's ______?" I would say, I don't have a mean bone in my body. Not a one. My mother always said, and I've blogged about this before that I'm too forgiving. Where the Bible says to turn the other cheek, I've already prepares for the slap.
I know that if I've been wronged, I usually cry or let it go until later after it festers in my brain a while and then I react by writing about it. I try to keep some kind of anonymity but that doesn't always happen. I guess in my mind this is my way of confronting the situation. Nothing I write is mean or nasty; it is the facts as I see them.

Recently I have been told that I have posted something that had hurt someone's feelings. To them I apologize but in my defense, I have to say, whatever it was, it was the truth.
Yes, I live in this dream world where people will read what I write and wonder if the text applies to them and they will change their ways. Sure, why not? Life is full of lessons, why not learn from me? Yeah, who do I think I am, Oprah?

But even Oprah would say being rude (usually the reason I felt wronged) is wrong and not "Being the best YOU." On the positive side, I don't write about people I don't care about...even if they have wronged me.

The line is drawn

It's so easy for things to change. One minute people you love are there and they next they are not. One day, you're 25 and loving life and the next you're 50 wishing you had really realized those really were the best days of your life. Often we think that little things are no biggies; nothing to be concerned with and often they are but sometimes....even those little things can become defining moments.

I've been disappointed many times in my life by people I thought were my friends. I'm still amazed each time by how off guard I am....how often I feel like it was so unexpected. I know, many will say this is just a part of being human, being disappointed but with me, it seems like an epidemic. I think mostly it's because I'm so trusting and forgiving. My mom used to tell me that this was not a good quality to have; not for me. She called them "fair weather friends." But I can't stop being who I am. I forgive, it's what I do.

I know I'm too blame, that I often set myself up. I believe in people. I believe that they know what they are saying and I rely on that. It's like being told that the dress to a party is casual by my friends and showing up in dockers and a sweater only to find my friends wearing black tie and saying, "oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to call you." Like thinking they are my friends but discovering I'm really just an after thought.

Recently the line was drawn in the sand with someone I thought I could count on and I'm just going to have to accept that. It is what it is....me under dressed....again.

Thursday

Okay...some thoughts for a Thursday evening:

I truly believe that co-workers should say "good night" to each other at the end of the day. If "good" is asking too much, than at least "night" will do. This doesn't mean you have to walk around the workplace wishing everyone a good night but you should do this with those with whom you work directly. Even if it means walking a few steps in the opposite direction to get to them. Even if it means raising your voice a little because you're too lazy to walk the few steps in the opposite direction. Yeah, it's the end of the day and most people want to get the heck out of dodge, I get that but this little step shows that you CARES.


Okay, I lied...this is my only thought for tonight. Aw...maybe I'll think of another for tomorrow's blog. We'll see.

On Love and Death

Everything that could be written on love and death has already been said. There are no original ideas left...just the reiteration with maybe a new background.

Basically, if you've experience the death of a loved one...well, it just sucks. It's been almost two years since I lost my momma (gee, was it at the Mall of America? How funny we say "lost" when we mean "ripped from our lives.") I still can't wrap my mind around the idea that I will never see her again...until....death do us reunit.

I talk to her a lot and I believe that she talks back to me in sudtle ways without words. Sometimes I see her in my dreams. Sometimes it's just a presence in the room and I talk to it thinking it is my husband only to find out he's in the back bedroom.

She died in May 06 and the following September a petunia grew under the hedges in the front window. I didn't plant it there, it just grew on its own. I swear it is my mom.

When there was no hope I'd get on an overbooked plane in Atlanta this past August; after being told the plane was overbooked with seven people ahead of me on standby, my name was called to board, I knew it was divine intervention...Mom got me on that plane.

When a person you're at odds with loses a parent, especially a mom, all feelings of comtempt are gone. They are with me. I know how much this sucks and no matter how much I hurt over whatever it was that made me at odds with that person....it's gone. Vanished. Almost as quickly as the anger I had at my mom for not being the perfect Mom much of my life. After losing her...it just faded away.

There are days where...

I'd like to ask my boss if she's having misgivings with her decision five months ago to add the likes of me to her staff. This was one of those days where I searched for a smile or a chuckle from her to reassure me that she's not repulsed by her decision to add me to her payroll. Some days you just feel stupid. Today was that day