C is for Courage!

I had my MRI today. (That's me on the right) Nothing too interesting to relate there. The MRI place at The Breast Center is very nice. You get to wear a nice terry cloth robe; not some skimpy paper thing. They give you a low dose Valium which is nice...makes your legs feel a little rubbery. You're laying on your stomach so you're not really feeling all that claustrophobic because your face is seating in a holder like on a massage table. It's loud but you have ear plug and a head set to block out all the banging. I even fell asleep. Before I left the Center, they gave me a packet of materials about my pathology report and other information. The lady told me to review the information tonight so I had some idea what the surgeon was talking about tomorrow. I have to tell you, I have never feared a packet of paper so much in my life. I was absolutely afraid to look at it.

I called Dr Williams' office and asked if he or someone on staff would go over the materials with me because I was just too afraid to do it alone. They welcomed me over. At 4:15 Phil met me at their office. I'm telling you, if you need a GYN and live in Edmond, OK you need to use Noel Williams, MD. He is such a nice doctor; so compassionate and thoughtful. He listened to my questions and gave me answers. I'm happy to say, although this is not the best situation, it certainly isn't the worst either. There is a lot of hope. I lot more than I had thought. First of all, the tumor is lubular which compared to a ductal one is not as bad. Yes, mine is big but because it's lubular, size isn't as much an issue. It would be better if it was "in sitz" but it is invasive so that's not a good thing but if we act quickly....there's still a lot of hope.

For tonight I feel a little better. Tomorrow is the big day. The surgeon will have the benefit of the MRI results. My hope is he'll say, "Let's get you admitted today." Really...I really want this over. Stay tuned.

I guess This is going to be My "C" Blog

Ugh...I'm in a fog. I did accomplish some things today (okay Saturday) but I am wiped out and what goes through my mind is this just the funk of finding out I have cancer or is this really the cancer. I've been wiped out before I knew I had it and I chalked it up to my medications because many are of the kind that will do that but is it that? So many things run through my head.

I can feel something in my breast and it feels pretty big. I'm just praying that isn't the tumor...that the tumor is in there some where nestle in fibroid material. Gawd...this is insane. Yeah, Dr Williams said it is "contained" but it feels so big to me. I really want it gone.

I'm in a weigh loss club at work. I'm pretty sure when I weigh in on Monday, I'm going to be down a few. Between Friday and Saturday, I've consumed 10 Triskets, a bowl of Rice Chex and 1/2 of a turkey sub. I haven't even had a Code Red! Yeah, I think I might kick that soda habit even. I know, I gotta eat. Food just doesn't appeal to me much. I will.

Wake Me Up Please

Well, the results are not good. Aw man. It's so surreal. This doesn't happen to you; it happens to someone else's neighbor's aunt. You hear about it and you are sad and feel real bad but you go back to your life and that's that. But here I am...I've actually said it out loud a couple of times today.."I have breast cancer!" Oh dear God. Give me strength.

The good news is that it appears to be "contained." It isn't in the lymph nodes from what they can tell. I'm not exactly sure how they know that from an ultrasound but they apparently do and for now, I'm going to go with it. The not so good news is that this particular cancer is kind of spotty...it will be in several spots in the breast and a mastectomy is usually the protocol. Losing my breast does not bother me. I mean, I'd rather not but if it lengthens my life, I'd rather spend the rest of my life sans breast than not alive.

The next step is a breast MRI which is scheduled for Monday at 10;30. Then I have an appointment with a surgeon on Tuesday morning and at sometime I will be getting an appointment with an oncologist. I'm still numb right now.

I noticed when I was at work; which is where I was when I got the news that my filter is a little shorter. It's kind of funny actually. I'm a funny person to begin with but now I think I have a license to be even funnier. There's something about a potentially terminal illness (and notice I said POTENTIALLY!!!!! AND I MEAN IT!!!!!) that can allow a person to say what they feel without being as overly concerned about it.

Stay tuned.

Waiting on News

This is the time when I should be writing. Yesterday I had a breast biopsy. I don't know the results yet but this is when I should be writing down what I'm feeling about it. I'm hopeful but I'm scared too because the lump is big..as lumps go, very big. I had gone to my OB GYN guy for my annual check up and he pointed it out. At the time I was laying down and it felt like it was up high, like half way between the areola and the collarbone. He didn't seem too concerned. He just said I need to get a mammagram. As the days ticked away I noticed it was getting lower and bigger. I got the mammagram and an ultrasound and immediately scheduled a biopsy for two days later. Now I wait.

It's amazing how the mind will run around like a crazy person. Of course to write them here would be too hard...it would be like giving someone or something permission to allow them to be real. So I won't. Stay tuned.

Post cards

I found another batch of post cards at the thrift store. I think they must come from an estate sale. Here are a few....

Support

Support comes in many forms. It can hold up your bosom or protect the family jewels. It can be part of an entire system that includes family members, your church, friends and people you pay. There's life support and tech support, moral support, support stockings and child support

When people ask for support, we need to heed their request because usually people who ask for it REALLY need it. Co-workers at the office who ask for it probably don't mean it in a monetary way. So if one calls you and asks you to come into their office because they need support, the Christian thing to do is put down the church web cast your listening to and go give them that needed support. After they share with you the situation, it's probably a good idea to not contradict them, no matter how tempting it may be. If they fear something debilitating is happening to them, for God's sake reassure them that being upset may be magnifying the situation a bit. Show a little compassion. It is NOT your job to do this as a co-worker it is your job as a human being.

Now of course if you really don't like the person who has asked for support and you know they want it, you have just hit pay dirt. Here's your chance to bring them to their knees. You know they are looking for support and they are pretty much expecting it. You can listen to their sob story of growing old and becoming unproductive in this dog-eat-dog world. Then you can just rip the rug out from under them; really knock the wind out of their sails and basically tell them, "well it is what it is....deal with it." Sure, why not?

I'm just saying.

Infidelity

Thoughts on infidelity: on last night's Parenthood, Jasmine won't forgive Crosby for cheating on her. She won't even talk to him. The thing that bothers me is that they had a fight prior to all this and she wouldn't talk to him then. She totally shut him out. He tried to talk to her and she wouldn't have it. This went on for a while. Then he was at a party with an attractive woman he knew, albeit his nephew's therapist, but she listened to him; to all he wanted to say to Jasmine but couldn't and one thing lead to another. It wasn't purely physical, granted, there was a connection deeper than just sex but still his heart belongs to Jasmine.

So what does it say about me that I think Jasmine is wrong. Yeah, granted it probably would have been better if he abstained but he didn't, so let's move on. It grates on me when I see people, usually woman, run away from conflict rather than just deal with it. Yeah, I'm not good with confrontation but once it's commenced, I am. This tearful, "I don't want to talk about it..." crap is just too over the top for me. Shutting people out is not the answer. Okay, you can do it for a day or so but repeatedly isn't going to solve the issue so deal with it.

Now if he's sleeping around just for the sake of sleeping around, that's one thing, but if it's the product of avoidance, well, you're on your own.

Saturday!

Saturday! Saturday's all right!

This is what I learned

I'm taking an online class on management. Per this slide, as a manager I am to do the following: I don't know if this is common knowledge.

Sunday Sunday

I've just made a decision. I know that I have kept my blog more of a place for me to capture my opinions on what's going on in my head as opposed to what's really going on in my life. You know the day to day stuff. I'm boring basically NO ONE because...well in order to bore anyone, one has to have readers to bore and since I basically don't...no one is bored. I've decided to change all that. I'm going to write day to day stuff that will really put you to sleep. So, gather round those young'ems who refuse to close their little peepers at night because surely this will do the trick.

It is just after 7pm. I made a pretty good dinner, fried rice and a chicken stir fry. We finished eating about an hour ago. And guess what? I'm hungry again! Yeah, that didn't take long. This morning I made chocolate chip banana sugar-free cupcakes. Okay, they were sugar free until I added the chocolate.

It was a great weekend weather wise...highs in the 70s and the winds for Oklahoma were calm...very calm. I know I should have been out there raking leaves but that didn't happen. I should have washed my car too. I should have taken Becca to the doggy park too. Becca has this amazing ability to make me feel guilty. She wants to go do something so bad. She barks and cries and sings all at the same time because she senses I am leaving and she's right. I am but always to go somewhere where dogs are discouraged...like Wal Mart.

I went to Wal Mart today and I made a deliberate effort to check out what people were wearing. I'm sure you have seen those emails about the people at Walmart. There's even a website: http://peopleofwalmart.tumblr.com/ I have to say, I did find a couple of people that would fit nicely up on the site. I'm kind of surprised. Usually when I get these emails my first thought is that I never see anyone dress so brizzardly but today I did. I think a lot of it comes from heavy set people who refuse to acknowledge the fact that what they are wearing is perhaps a wee bit tight for them; that maybe the term "age appropriate" does apply to them. But, I am by no means a slave to fashion so I think my judgmental muscle is rather lax than most people.

Just some thoughts....

Like I have posted on or around this day in the past four years, today would have been my mom's birthday. She and her sister would have been 76. I am sure they had a great party up in heaven. I know, many would say that kind of thing doesn't go on up there; that nothing up there has anything to do with what it was like down here for those who have passed. I just refuse to believe it. I am so sure that my mom and my Aunt Marie are celebrating with all their family who have joined them. The thing is, there are a lot more souls up there than down here....heaven's getting a little top heavy, I'm sure. My mom (and Aunt) have a brother and a sister down on earth....of their entire family that is it. Everyone has passed on from their generation and before. Both of their spouses are up there. My mom even has two nieces with her.

In other news...we had a great day weather wise here in Oklahoma. I believe we hit the lower 80s officially. Not bad for February! I'll take it. Actually lower 80's are higher than needed as far as I'm concerned. I do hear though, that a cold spell is on its way next week ..maybe some snow/rain mix. But again....it's February.

Spread the love: At work we had this campaign where each employee could fill out cards for co-workers acknowledging their recognition of the CARES Program. It was a kind of neat idea. I filled out a few cards, complete with a self-portrait. I also received a few from co-workers. It's nice to know that there are people who truly appreciate your natural borne efforts. You know, some of us try and some of us...well it just comes naturally. I'm not ashamed to say, I'm of the latter. The hard part is, finding people to admit it though. But there are some very bright, very astute colleagues at my office. Praise the Lord.

That's about it for now.

I Vow.....

to try my hardest to be more open minded about the youth of today.

Bucket List

I got this email at work the other day. You're suppose to check off the things you have done. I've added more to it.
(X) Shot a gun
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Alaska
( )Been to Cuba
( )Been to Europe
( )Been to S. America
(X)Been to Las Vegas
(X) Been to Mexico
(X)Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(X)Been to California
( ) Been to Maine
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a Cruise Ship
( ) Been on a one day Lake Cruise Ship
( ) Served on a Jury
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
( ) Gone to New York City
(X) Swam in the ocean.
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X )Bought yourself flowers
(X) Played Cops and Robbers
(X) Played Cowboys and Indians
(X ) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Made prank phone calls
( )Laughed until some beverage came out of your nose
( ) Sneaked into the drive in without paying
( ) Read the Bible completely through
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X)Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Wished on a star
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice skating
( ) Climbed a mountain
(X) Learned to dance
(X) Camped out under the stars
( ) Seen something so beautiful that it took your breath away
(X) Are or have been married
( ) Have children
(X) Have / had a pet
( ) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(X) Been fishing
(X) Performed on stage as an adult
( ) Been boating
( ) Been hunting
( ) Been or tried water skiing
(x) Been hiking
(x) Been horseback riding
( ) Been camping in a trailer/RV
( ) Flown in a small 4-seater airplane
( ) Flown in a private jet
( ) Flown in a glider
( ) Been flying in a helicopter
( ) Been flying in a hot air balloon
( ) Took a trip on a train
(X) Gone to a drive-in movie
( ) Done something that should have killed you
( ) Done something you thought you couldn't do
(X) Done something that you will regret for the rest of your life
( ) Been to Africa
( ) Ever ride an elephant
(X) Ever eaten just cookies for dinner
(X) Ever been on T.V.
( ) Ever steal any traffic signs
(X) Ever been in a car accident
(X) Had a nickname
(X) Name ever been in the local paper
( ) Ever been to Asia
( ) Ever been to Australia
( ) Lived in another country
( ) Been sky-diving
( ) Driven/ridden in a car going more than 100 mph
( ) Ate sushi
(X)Performed Stand up Comedy
(X) Been published
(X) Quit smoking
( ) Go to a rodeo
( ) Truly felt a deep sense of accomplishment
( ) Saved a life
(X) Get a college degree
( ) Write a book
( ) Run a race

This is going to be fun....

I find myself mildly giddy at the prospect of a snow storm. Of course I'm not in an area where enough is enough. This is not salt on a open wound. This is November's first snow fall that just so happens to be about to fall in early February. They say 3/4ths of the nation will be or is getting hit with a winter system of some kind. Oklahoma has been spared a lot this winter. We've been lucky.

A couple weeks ago, the rest of the country was getting clobbered and of course the media showed cars sliding all over the highway, into each other, out of control. This fueled a little panic in us in Ok when we had a bit of ice that lead to some shut downs and slow starts. But this was nothing compared to what, from all accounts, is going to happen tonight and into tomorrow. My office has already said that if the OKC public schools are closed, so are we. This is a first. I am grateful.

Stay tuned.

Facebook

I love Facebook! My brother hates it but I really love it. I have 285 friends; many are family; some are co-workers; some are former co-workers; some are colleagues who I don't work with at HPI but deal with often through work; some are former classmates and some are people I just meet.

What blows me away are the high school classmates. I wrote about our unofficial reunion we had this past summer that was pretty much thanks to the reach of Facebook. I've really connected with a lot of great people I didn't really know in school. There was a lot of crap in the way back then. So much is stripped away and it's so refreshing to see that, yeah, we really aren't so different from one another after all.

In my daily life at work, I spend a lot of time communicating with insurance plans and I'm happy to develop relationships with these peoples. When you add Facebook into the mix (which I don't do at work, by the way) it even makes the working relationship better. There are people I deal with on a daily basis in the clinics that I've gotten to know a little better with FB, too.

Also, FB has gotten me in touch with a lot of relatives I would never had known about had it not been for FB. I have a third cousin (his great grandfather and my great grandfather were brothers) in Germany who I would never have gotten to know or understand our relationship if not for the flexibility and convenience of FB. Well, I truly don't believe so. I have relatives in California that I had always hoped I'd connect with and I am.

All in all...for me Facebook has been a blast. I know, it's a little time consuming and most people are too busy already but...if there's a will there's a way. I really do believe that.

The line is drawn

It's so easy for things to change. One minute people you love are there and they next they are not. One day, you're 25 and loving life and the next you're 50 wishing you had really realized those really were the best days of your life. Often we think that little things are no biggies; nothing to be concerned with and often they are but sometimes....even those little things can become defining moments.

I've been disappointed many times in my life by people I thought were my friends. I'm still amazed each time by how off guard I am....how often I feel like it was so unexpected. I know, many will say this is just a part of being human, being disappointed but with me, it seems like an epidemic. I think mostly it's because I'm so trusting and forgiving. My mom used to tell me that this was not a good quality to have; not for me. She called them "fair weather friends." But I can't stop being who I am. I forgive, it's what I do.

I know I'm too blame, that I often set myself up. I believe in people. I believe that they know what they are saying and I rely on that. It's like being told that the dress to a party is casual by my friends and showing up in dockers and a sweater only to find my friends wearing black tie and saying, "oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to call you." Like thinking they are my friends but discovering I'm really just an after thought.

Recently the line was drawn in the sand with someone I thought I could count on and I'm just going to have to accept that. It is what it is....me under dressed....again.

Saturday's Blog and more

In addition to my blog from a few days ago regarding buying pre-owned baby clothes for my nephew's baby I have more to contribute. I forgot to mention that I also found a new package of newborn pacifier...unopened .... fresh from the manufacture. Well when I went to check out I discovered they were fresh from the manufacture in sometime before 1995. The sale clerk said he couldn't legally sell me the pacifiers because they contained minute traces of lead. But he could give them to me. I'll have you know that I didn't even think about it for a second...I know a good deal when I hear one, especially a free one but I told the clerk to toss them. Yeah! How great a great-aunt am I? Hm? I'm not as cheap as I make myself out to be.

In other news: Don't you love it when someone at your workplace tells you to do something and you do it only to find out it was wrong but it turns out only you are wrong not the person who told you to do it that way? And of course that person won't own up to it. Grrrrr.... I truly believe that even if I'm right; I'm still wrong. But then I will find out I was, indeed, right but it will never be said ..."Yeah, you were right. We should have listened to you more closely; may be we could have learned something from you if only we had taken the time to listen. You're not as dumb as you look. Good job! We'll do better to get you more involved and get your opinion because you've proven that you can make a contribution." Yeah! (Hey, it's my blog, I can dream.)(And I'm not complaining...not really because I know I am blessed to have a job. Mostly I work with great people but they are people so liable to faults such as myself. So really, it's all good.)

Monday Funny

Stereotyping

Okay....here we go. Today, we got in the mail an invitation to Phil's nephew's girlfriend's baby shower. It's being held in NY. We live in OK. It was held today. The mother-to-be wrote, "we know you can't make it but we want you to know the baby will be here on February 9th." This to me translates to, "I know I never met you but please send us a check or a gift card or something."

Yeah, I have no problem sending something..seriously but here's the thing. I hate to stereotype and judge but I'm going to anyway. This is Jeff's first child and her sixth! Yes, her sixth; Jeff is the third father to her brood. She's on food stamps and welfare....big surprise and to top it all off, she lives in a trailer park. Sorry....but are you getting the picture here?

Her only saving grace is that Jeff, whose basically a nice kid, is still a borderline loser...high school drop out who has had more jobs in his 24 years of living than Phil and I have had combined. It's a saving grace because at least she's not involved with him for his money or social status....both of which he has none.

So today I went to the T-store and I have to say, I didn't feel a ton of remorse about buying pre-owned baby boy clothes. If I was going to a shower at work, I would love to do this but I never would for fear of being ostracised for being a cheap SOB. But given this woman's situation, I have no problem with this. I got 17 pieces, tops, bottoms, onezies, etc for $4.54. Come on! Once I get everything washed, Phil and I will, under good strong lighting, check for stains and tears. If it's not perfect, I won't send it but from what I can see...it should be. If it's not, it'll go into the rag pile.

Is it wrong for me to treat this woman differently than a co-worker? Probably. But apparently not enough to stop. And that's how it is for today.

Happy for the weekend

Aw...yes, the weekend is here. I'm going to learn something. I'm going to create something. I'm going to get excited about something (probably football). And I'm going to clean something. Not necessarily in that order. So there.

So cute....

Try this..

Go to Google Maps and click on Get Directions.
Write USA as your start point.
Write Japan as your destination.
Go to the 31st point on your route.
Bahaahahahahaha! How funny is that?

Beyond tired...

I can't blog...physically impossible..okay not impossible, thank God but I'm needing to hit the hay. Tomorrow I'll do it though. Stay tuned.

Truth be told...

• I don't understand British people very well.
• I don't understand southern people very well either.
• I don't get why woman insist on wearing low cut shirts if they already have a boyfriend/husband.
• I think smokers need to be slapped upside the head.
• I think I need to go to bed.

Fears Cont'd

I think we can add one more fear...the fear that the world is going to end soon. Some guy was predicting in May, Jesus would be making his return and the world as we know it would be over. Most people shrug this off as hullabaloo....I'm one of them but recently I'm starting to wonder. With the massive weather destruction going on all over the world; the massive killings by lone gunmen; and now the idea that the zodiac system is changing...I say what the heck? I know, there is all kinds of research that can tear apart my statements...I'm actually counting on it but it's still food for thought.

Fears

My blogger friend Jessica recently did a post on her fears and it got me thinking about mine. "Fears!" Is it a Beatles song? Fears are all I have to take your love away? Is that how it goes? I'm pretty sure I'm not remembering it right.

Anyway here are my biggest fears:

• Being like my mom; hunched over with a bone breakage problem or going blind.
• That I'll be trapped somewhere, say an elevator, and have to use the rest room. I mean, can you imagine?
• That people will make their mind up about me without my help. Or it will be totally based on a misunderstanding or they will think I'm serious when I'm not.
• I really don't fear getting into a car accident but I do fear that if I do, it will be my fault...or it won't be my fault but I'll still get blamed for it.
• Getting mugged in the WalMart parking lot but being stupid and not handing over my purse but fighting with the perb. I have a lot of pent up anger and I'm really waiting for an opportunity to release it. If someone wants to mug me, I'm afraid I might give them a fight that I will probably lose.
• Spiders
• Flying insects (larger than flies)
• Birds
• Bats
• Creepy crawly things
• I'll accidentally use the wrong spelling of a word on a company email (example - their instead of they're) and the recipient will think I'm illiterate when the reality is, I make that kind of error once in every 1000 emails.
• Making stupid mistakes at work because I was given inaccurate information.

I think that's about it.

Thursday Funnies

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad

Mom & Dad were married 54 years ago today. I hope they're having a nice reception party up in heaven. I think they are. Most of the people who were at the wedding are actually up there with them.

Funny Things my Dad said...

I'm trying to think of something to blog about and decided on this....Funny things my dad has said...

If I wanted to do something and he didn't want me to I could do it "when the fish freeze in the streets of Honolulu."

Once he came out of the rest room and said, "There was a spider on the toilet seat. Boy was he mad...he got pissed off."

Oh...there is more...I got to write them down when I think of them. I'll be back with them. Stay tuned.

Blurry but still cute

Saturday/Sunday

I really did well at the T-store yesterday. I bought four Liz Claiborn tops, two other tops, an Eddy Bauer top and a Karen Scott sweater for less than $8. Everything was machine washable too (although the sweater actually looked better before I washed it despite having put it in a lingerie bag. It seemed to pick up everything it could find in the washer. I spend over an hour with the lint brush and lint shaver on it but it looks pretty good now.) Some of the ladies at work think I should go into business...finding famous label items and selling them for a profit. I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with that though. It's good that others can find them there too without someone like me snatching them all up and reselling them. It's just doesn't see right.

The Christmas stuff is down. It's not up in the attic yet but.....well, baby steps. I haven't brought out the normal pictures and flower arrangements and do-hickies yet either. I need to dust first. We'll get there.

Becca went to the beauty parlor to this weekend. She looks lovely. I'll post a pic next time.

Friday

Alrighty...I've blogged for a whole week! Yes. I've also have not had any Coke or Pepsi or Dr Pepper.....so there's two resolutions I'm good with. I'm patting myself on the back too. :)

The work week is over. Excluding Monday, it's been a good week. I've been busy and busy is good. I made up the 5 hours I took off on Monday by working late every night. I was glad to do it so the work wouldn't pile up.

I'm too bored with this.

Thursday

Okay...some thoughts for a Thursday evening:

I truly believe that co-workers should say "good night" to each other at the end of the day. If "good" is asking too much, than at least "night" will do. This doesn't mean you have to walk around the workplace wishing everyone a good night but you should do this with those with whom you work directly. Even if it means walking a few steps in the opposite direction to get to them. Even if it means raising your voice a little because you're too lazy to walk the few steps in the opposite direction. Yeah, it's the end of the day and most people want to get the heck out of dodge, I get that but this little step shows that you CARES.


Okay, I lied...this is my only thought for tonight. Aw...maybe I'll think of another for tomorrow's blog. We'll see.

Wednesday

I'm going to blow my own horn. I've earned; I deserve it and no one is going to deprive me of this. (This is what I said about a nervous breakdown too.)

I created a logo for work. I just did it in Paint and added it to my signature for all my emails coming from my work server. Over the next few months I rec'd emails from others at my office and they were using my logo! I imagine someone stole (not in a negative way) it and someone stole it from them and someone else stole from them. It has made its rounds for sure. I recently discovered one of the clinics using it on their fax cover! I wrote to the lady at that clinic and told her, "I love your fax cover logo." She wrote back...."thanks." Guess she doesn't know where it came from.

So, I announcing it here...it's my creation and I'm proud of it! I'm happy others like it enough to use it as their signature as well. It's a huge compliment!

Tuesday

Aw...what a great day it was. I had no headache pain! Aw...can't tell you how great it is! Had a great day at work...got a ton done!

My doctor says I am having migraines. Personally I'm thinking a brain tumor but I'm just a layperson. He's putting me on a drug that is given to people with seizures. Apparently on a lower dose, it helps people with migraines. One of the side effects, though, is confusion but usually at the higher dose. Lord knows I don't need more confusion in my life.

Does anyone else find it weird that Shania Twain married the ex-husband of the woman who was the reason for the break up of her marriage with Mutt Lang?

Why don't people just ignore Lindsay Lohan? Sure her family can pay her some attention; maybe some close friends but the general population really needs to pretend she doesn't exist. She needs a good reality check.

Later Gator....

Monday

Aw...hate to complain but today was not good. Aw...my head was hurting so much; so very much I wanted to slip into a coma. I called the doctor but couldn't get in until tomorrow morning. I'm happy to report, although, that it's gone! The pain as lifted and I am constantly thanking God for that. Really, I thought death would be an upgrade.

I feel so good right now, I should go to work right now. It's almost 8pm so that's not going to happen but I feel good enough to do it. I will be putting in a lot of late hours this week for sure. I say this assuming the pain will NOT return.

By the way, St Louis lost last night. I tell you, I'm the kiss of death. If you want your team to win, pay me to root for the other team. You have a winning season.

So, this constitutes a blog entry for today. Later gator.

Can I do this every day?

Well, I am not going to put so much pressure on myself but I am going to try. I came into our computer room to blog...specifically to blog and yet I naturally got side track with Facebook and reading some email. I was just ready to click on an ad for Hobby Lobby when I deliberately stopped myself and said, 'Hey, wait, you're here to blog." I know...how trivial is that? But that is what's going to happen. I'm just going to write what's in my head. (It's not like I have a real audience anyway :)

My Buffalo Bills are done for the season. Another disappointment. Another shining example of why I hate this time of year. More on that in a minute. I do need some kind of alliance though...something to root for; something to get behind. I guess I can root for St Louis Rams. Sam Bradford is their quarterback. He's from Oklahoma...went to OU. Usually though I am the kiss of death. If I root for a team, 9 out of 10 times, they will lose. Well look at the Bills.. 12 out of 16, we lost....that comes down to 3 out of 4. So my odds are even worst. :( Grrr...

Now the holidays are over; now what? White Sales? Yeah, get real. We are now embarking on the cold blue depths of January...one of the longest months of the calendar. Aw...my heels are still in December...dragging...about ready to throw a tantrum. "I don't want the holidays to be over!" I feel like whining. But like the excitement of a white sale, I have to get real.

Tomorrow I will go to work and I will love it! I will embrace my day with enthusiasm and chipperness. (Yes, I made that up.) It's a new year...and it's going to be great!

See ya tomorrow.

Happy New Year!

This is the year I...

• blog more
• stop drinking phospheric acid
• stop being so lazy
• exercise every day
• eat better

I'm so glad I treat people well already...don't know if I could fit that in to my plans.

Oh crap

How come I can not do this in compose view. Im writing this on my new ipad. There is some limitations to this. Some is good: some not so good. I like that I can enlarge stuff. I wish I could run flash. This is a learning curve for sure.

Thoughts for a Saturday Night...

"Aw jeez!" This is a direct quote from Karl Dinkuhn and Archie Bunker. My brother Jim says it a lot too I have noticed. I'm saying it now because I am so blocked lately with my writing. I mentioned this in my previous post. On FaceBook I posted, "What I'd give for a little inspiration." I've decided to just write whatever is willing to come to my fingers. So here goes:

OU and OSU are playing their annual "Bedlam" game. I am rooting for OSU. I do root for them both during the season but today the Cowboys get my support. (Let me clarify...these Cowboys NEVER those in Dallass!) Personally I think OU is too cocky. I mentioned this to Kevin at work. He claims that their cockiness is what motivates them to win. Yeah, maybe, but this year I want to say, "how's that working out for them?"

Phil is home. He's been in WNY all week to see his family. I encourage this because his mom is 89 and he needs to see her as often as possible. So once again I was home alone. I know many may find that sad...to spend a holiday by myself, but I'm really okay with it. I, of course, didn't accomplish all I had hoped I would while he was away. I haven't done much reading and I certainly haven't done much writing but what can I say. I got plenty of sleep and some much needed spider solitaire played. (That's sarcasm...so you know) I made my own Thanksgiving dinner; took me all of 30 minutes. I watched "The Bucket List." That was a good movie. Jo and Mary came over yesterday and we watched, "The Secret Life of Bees." Jo and I both read the book and planned on seeing the movie together.

Work has got me thinking about something. If a form asks a question, I want it to have an answer. I am in the process of completing CAQH for all of my mid level providers. This is something new because most insurance plans don't credential them...until now. CAQH is a service that insurance plans use to get credentialing information on providers. I complete their online form and insurance plans use the same info to credential the provider. It's a great service. Many of the questions have to have answers. Without answers you can't move forward in the process. Some of the questions, though, apparently do not require answers because not answering them doesn't hinder the completion of the information. Now, I am of the mindset that I want all the questions answered regardless of their importance. This means I'd have to put more time into it and I'm being discouraged to do this by my supervisor. Well, I can go back at a later date and fill in some of the extraneous info but I need to initially get in, get it done and move on. I understand this but at the same time, I want it to be clean, through and tidy from the get go. I know, it's a flaw.

Let's talk Bristol Palin. I am really surprised at how Bristol is so disliked. I just don't get it. People seem to think that she shouldn't have agreed to be on DWTS because she's not a "star." Um...if the producers of the show came to me and said they'd pay me $250,000 just to be on the first week with monetary incentives if I can continue, I'd have to say yes. Why wouldn't she? Don't hold it against her. Some have said she needs to stay in Alaska and take care of her son. Yeah, like he's fending for himself in her absence. I think she's a nice girl who gets a bad rap because of her mother.

Hey, I'm writing! Sort of.

I have a lot to say....

But I'm apparently too lazy to get it down on paper (or blog). I'm taking a class on "Writing for your Grandchildren." Yes, I'm there under false pretense but they don't mind. The problem is that I have nothing to say right now. For some reason I'm not coming up with stories of my childhood to write so I can pass them on to Kate and Jon or Amanda. Mostly I'm not sure they'd really care but maybe they would eventually. I guess they'd like to know about the adventures their dads got into while growing up. Here are some topics:

• The Tornado Story
• Getting Arrested Story (The great train robbery)
• Stories of their Grandparents

They sound like good stories and a great place to start but I'm not motivated at the moment. Well, I haven't been motivated for a while. I paid $80 for this class; I'm going to have to fake it.

I'm home alone for the holiday so I will be back to write more. I need to write more often, I know. Not that any one's reading but if they are...well, let's just say I'm doing it for me.

"Everyone's Different"

I've been hearing this a lot lately because lately I've been judgmental of some people in my life. I have complained about them to my cousin, Julie who lives in Florida. Julie's one of the good ones who doesn't complain about people much. She's big on "living and let live." She sees the good in everyone, a quality (and God love her) I find a little annoying.

I was commenting to her that I have people in my life who generally are not pleasant from time to time. Yeah, I know, everyone has their days but there are some people who have their weeks and it makes me nuts. You know those people who don't like to respond to your humor, who swat at your very existence like you were a gnat that just won't go away? They talk in short choppy sentences. My mother used to do that when she was upset with me, give me those one word answers...
"you okay?"
"fine!"
"you need anything?"
"No."
"Anything wrong?"
"Nope."

Maybe this is why I'm so sensitive to it.

Anyway, Julie's pat response is, "Well every one's different."
I say wearing bowling shoes to work is different; putting strawberry jam on your hamburger is different; playing the bagpipe is different. Being short and unfriendly is not different....it's disrespectful! To call it being "different" is basically rewarding bad behavior...giving justification to something that can't be justified. It's not so much the words that are being said, it's how they are said. It's basically rude and it shouldn't be tolerated. It's like passing gas: you can do it, it's not against any rules or laws but you, generally, don't. If one sqeaks out, you say " excuse me."

What's going through my head recently....(in case you were wondering)

Religion:

I don't go to church. I was raised to believe it was totally optional. Yeah, my mom probably would have had me go...and I did some...but my dad had no use for religion. At least he never shared with me any beliefs. So I've been looking into some different religions. I haven't gone crazy with this project but I did talk to some people at work. In particular a Mormon and a Baptist. I discovered that neither would let me join their church if I were gay. I could come and worship with them whenever I wanted but I couldn't join. This does not directly affect me since I'm not gay but can I really join a church that discriminates like this? I find it hard to believe that God would want that. My God doesn't do that. Now I have to wonder though, where does my God draw the line? I don't think I'd want a convicted pedophile in my congregation. Now, I'm not comparing being Gay to being an evil person: I'm not, but where is the line drawn. The 10 commandments say you shall not murder and that may be a dividing line but what if the murder is justified. What if it was either you kill or be killed? I'm just not sure where the line is drawn.

Being Gay is a Choice:

I know this is an old discussion but I don't think I ever weighed in. Recently on an episode of Glee, Kurt, a gay character on the show, made a great point. Why would he choose to be involved in something that is going to bring such ridicule? That doesn't make sense. I know for sure I didn't choose to be heterosexual. There is no doubt in my mind that I was borne this way. So why would having a desire for the same sex not be something you're borne with? So, I have no problem with there being gay people in this world...none. Now this guy running for Governor in NY has made some statements that were really anti-gay but there is something he said that I have to agree with. If I had children I wouldn't want them to witness a man and a woman getting it on: making out and bumping and grinding in public. I just don't think that is appropriate. Likewise for two men or two woman to be demonstrative as they sometimes are during gay pride parades...well that is wrong. It doesn't matter how healthy their relationship is, it's just not appropriate for public viewing. I have to admit, if I see two men kissing I'm going to turn away faster than I would if it were a man and woman. Does that make me intolerant? Okay....label me.

Quote I must share...

From Laura Bush's book, "From the Heart"....

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

How 'bout a little good news?

Phil had a procedure done last week so a biopsy on his prostate could be done. Good news...there were no cancer cells found! Thank you God! We've been waiting for the results and they finally came in! So hallelujah!

Last night, I fell in my living room. I tripped over a box of, believe it or not, Christmas gifts. I landed on my right knee and caught myself with my right hand, thus hurting my wrist. Well, slightly. I was dazed for a few seconds but before I could feel the pain in my knee, I felt the jubilation in my being because....well, I didn't break anything!!!! Falling, or I should say landing did not hurt nearly as much as I had expected it would. I started laughing in celebration at this revelation. I am fearful of falling since my mom had such an awful time with osteoporosis, something I have clearly inherited. (Thanks a lot mom!) And granted, this was indoors but falling isn't as scary as I had allowed myself to believe.

It's good all the way around!

Corporate Review

Yeah...it's that time when the company I work for gives out their annual evaluations to all their employees. I got mine today and I am so pleased. They like me! I've made up the deficiencies of last year. I've exceed expectations on a couple of line items and I'm doing a great job on the rest. It's time to rejoice! All the hard work has paid off. Of course there's always room for improvement and I'm so on board with that. :)

We have core values:

• Compassion
• Attitude
• Respect
• Excellance
• Service

My company really supports these values. I'm so happy to be working there. Life is good.

How I learn

You can't tell me how to do something. Well, you can tell me but it's not going to sink into my little pea brain as well as it would if you showed me. Actually you can't show me either....you have to let me do it. This is the only way I can learn. And then you have to let me play, see how it works if I follow your instructions. I also need to see how it works if I don't follow your instructions. It's like learning how to drive via a coorespondance course. Yeah, I can get the concept but it won't sink in until I've had a chance to get behind the wheel and drive and also to make mistakes. (Hopefully not resulting in a fender-bender or injury)

Randall Shirley puts it this ways:

It's simple really. Think about one of life's earliest lessons - often
taught by our mothers: The Stove Can Burn You.

• Listening learners heard their mother, believed the information, and never touched a stove.


• Seeing learners watched their brother touch the stove, and never touched it.


• Experience learners touched the stove; but only once!

I'm definitely an "experience learner."

There's an old Chinese Proverb that supports this:

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

And this is how I roll. :)

Disappointment

Here's the thing...in my last post, I talked about filters. I mentioned that a friend hurt me because she found my disagreement with her frustrating and it surprised me that I had to filter what I say to her instead of speaking my mind. I got to thinking about this some...okay..a lot...and I'm doing the very thing I'm complaining about. I'm asking her to put a filter on it; and this is wrong. Just like I feel like I should be able to say what is on my mind; she has every right to do the same.

What I've determined...and this isn't anything new...is that I need to somehow get a thicker skin. In my defense, though, I have...just, apparently, not thick enough. But that's my issue.

In any event, to her I apologize and say "We're good. It's all good!" Peace.

Friendship and acceptance

Aw....here I go again....finding something else I can't accept. Or at least, not accepting very easily.

My best friend just told me something. Not a life changing thing...not for me but something pretty big. She's made a decision about something. The thing is, it's the first I'm hearing about this decision. I don't know what bothers me more; that her life is changing without me or that she didn't trust me enough to let me know that this decision was in the works; that there was the possibility of this change in her life. I'm saddened because once again, I'm not in on the ground level of something big. Yeah, I know; it's not about me but in a way it is.

Earlier this week another friend and I were discussing something. I was spouting out my opinion; freely, as friends do until she told me she was getting frustrated with me. I know that doesn't sound harsh but coming from her it hurt me. I think now that I was surprised more than anything; surprised that I'm supposed to use a filter when speaking to her. I just never thought I needed one. Okay, yeah, I always have some kind of filter on...I am not going to insult someone but I just never thought I had to watch what I said about how I felt bout something. It's hard to explain without being more specific but I don't want to muddy the water any more.

In high school I read A Separate Peace by John Knowles. As I remember in that book, Finney couldn't accept the fact that his friend had pushed him out of a tree they were both climbing. Finney's leg was broken and eventually he died. His death was somehow linked to the fact that he couldn't accept the idea that his friend did this to him. I can't help thinking about my inability to accept things; friends who disappoint, the deaths of my parents, etc will be my demise. Sorry...I know, so morbid but it is what it is.

Thoughts for a Wednesday Lunch Time

Okay...I'm taking a break from work and feasting on my Healthy Choice meal. It's pretty good actually. Not a bounty of food but it will do the trick until around 3 o'clock. At 3:45 I'm out of here, heading for the eye doctor. I hate going to the eye doctor. I hate it more than going to the gynocologist. Seriously, I'd rather have my cervix dialated. At least with the gyno, he's in and out and over with in no time. The OD, not so fast. He's fiddling around, poking bright shiny things into my soul, dropping acid into my eyes. Okay, it's not acid but it burns like it is. In case you don't know, I'm photophobic. This is not a fear of having my picture taken but the fear of light. Seriously. Here's a secret...if you want to mug me, you don't need a gun. Just use a flashlight. I'm totally defenseless.

I am a pain in the ass!

If you think this, you're not breaking any new ground here. You're just not; no trail blazing for you.

I have a tendency to beat a subject to death. I do it all the time until I clearly understand what it is I'm discussing or until I feel satisfied that you know where I'm coming from. If you want me to stop, just nod and wholeheartedly agree with me. If you can't muster up the wholeheartedly part just give back to me what you believe I am trying to say; allow me to throw in my two-cents and then say you understand. If you don't sound convincing, I'm probably not going to stop until you either walk away or you do sound convincing.

I will sometimes ask for information with the anticipation that what I'm asking will come up. It might not. but I want to be prepared. This may strike you as me asking you unnecessary information. You may feel I'm wasting your time because maybe it won't come up. You may call in unnecessary; I call it being pro-active.

You can't blame me for showing due-diligence. Yes, I may have asked you something two days ago and you didn't have what I needed then. And I may ask you again for it two days later because things change all the time. Yes, you may have told me you'd get it to me as soon as you had it, but I can't rely on that. You have to know, people have said that to me on many occasions and they didn't come through and because I wasn't diligent in getting the info, it shined poorly on me. I can't allow that! Sorry.

This is how I roll.

My Summer Vacation

Aw remember when your summer vacation lasted the whole summer? Yeah, me either. I know, I should have chosen the teaching profession rather than being the semi-professional paper pusher in the managed cared arena. We all have choices. But dang....one week or even two weeks is just not enough.

Here's a recap of my time in sunny Western NY. I've got to tell you, as lousy as the Buffalo area is weatherwise in winter; it's just as beautiful in July. Sure there have been some bummer summers but, fortunately for me, this isn't one of them.

I flew into Buffalo at 12:30 am on Friday, 7/16th. That night I had my 31 year high school reunion. It wasn't a formal reunion-reunion....not a sit down dinner with an open bar; none of that. It was just a bunch of classmates who have reconnected on Facebook, getting together on a planned date at a planned time. It was held at The SouthShore in Angola. The SouthShore is the "old people's" bar..next to Mickey Rats...the 20-something bar that doesn't seem so long ago was our bar. That was back when we all had clear tanned skin, slender builds and aguilty. I can remember referring to The SouthShore as the old people's bar. When I went to Mickey Rats, which didn't happen very often as a 20 year old, and I'd see an older man there glaring at me through barley-hops colored glasses, I'd think he didn't belong there. Yeah, it's a free country but there are just some things you got to let go.

It was great to see so many people I knew in high school. Mostly all the skinny girls are still slender, the bigger girls are either still big or bigger with the excepti0n of a couple (Arlene and Jean, you two look so great!) but the men are basically all bigger. Yeah, there are some exceptions there too, I'm sure. But men, generally, gain the weight regardless how thin they started out as. All in all, we all have to make that journey to SouthShore.

On Saturday, July 18th, I took Jon to his guitar lesson in Hamburg. I looked around at all the guitars; plucked a few and could feel the draw to learn it. I think I'd rather learn the banjo though. It seems to be more my thing; like preferring to drive a VW Bug. After that Jon and I went to Walmart. I turned him on to popcorn chicken which we ate while waiting in the check out line. I discovered that I like bringing new things to people...even fat laced deep fried chicken chunks. He rather enjoyed them. We finished up the cup container during the drive and I could see out of the corner of my eye as he matched my snatching...I took one, he took one, I took one, he took one.

Later that day, I stopped off to see Mrs Nelson, the octogenarian mother of my childhood friend, Lori. I picked up Lori too. We sat on Mrs Nelson's patio and chit chatted for a hour. Later that night, my family ordered Chinese food from China King; Oriental delights from the heart of Angola, NY.

On Sunday, July 18th...my true reason for being here...was Kate's graduation party from high school. Despite the accommodations including only a Johnny on the Spot, it was a good time. Yeah, it's Kate's party and I'm sure she and her friends wouldn't even have to step foot into the tin hut but me; not so much. (That SouthShoreness shines through) It was good to see many of my relatives; ones I only see at weddings, funerals and grad parties.

On Monday, Jim drove me out to see Mama Mahoney. He stayed a bit but left me there. I visited with her for a while and then she let me take her car for the evening. My plan was to have lunch the next day with some of the girls from Jaeckle, my employer prior to moving to Oklahoma. But one of the ladies couldn't make it so I moved it to Tuesday evening.

All week, I've been working on a wall hanging. Jim has a ton of t-shirts he wants to get rid of; some have sentimental attachment. I told him I'm make a wall hanging out of them. So I've been working on this all week...a little here; a little there.

On Tuesday, Jon and I went to Ace, The Dollar General and picked up lunch at Pasquales for Jon, me, Kate and Devin, Kate's boyfriend. Then I went to Getzville, to bring back Mama Mahoney's car. I visited with her a while. Jim picked me up and he and I went to The Anchor Bar to meet up with Chris, Janice, Mickey and Phil from Jaeckle. Janice is the only one still working there. The Anchor Bar is where chicken wings were invented. It was good to see them. I had the chicken wings, mild; I should have ordered them BBQed.

July 21: Meet my friend Sally at Tim Hortons. When I was a kid, I used to babysit Sally's kids. Now those kids are all grown up. Hard to believe they are that old and procreating too.

Tim Hortons is relatively new to Angola. It wasn't here when I first moved to Oklahoma. I worked some more on the wall hanging and then Jim, Kate, Jon and I met up with Ed, Marlene and Amanda at the Colony House in Irving. I had the Colossal Beef on Weck. It was exactly that. Later Jim rented "Men Who Stare at Goats.' We didn't finish it. There was 90 minutes I'll never get back.

Thursday, July 22nd: I was back to Tim Hortons for their chicken ceasar salad wrap; this time with Tami, Jim's soon to be ex Mother in Law. It was nice to catch up with her. Even though Jim and Debi have split up, Jim will always be connected to her family...this is a good thing.

I took Jon to Ed's and Kate and I went to the mall. She had rec'd a $50 gift card for JC Penneys. She did well, buying off the sales rack....like her ol' Aunt Eva's been telling her to for years. Personally, I'd like to shop at the thrift store but Kate...not so much. That evening, Jim and I went to Ed's house for pizza and wings. Jon was there still. Kate had other plans. I even jumped with Amanda on her trampoline. That was fun.

Friday, 7/23....Jim, Jon and I met Uncle Bob at Applebees for lunch. Uncle Bob is my dad's only brother. He is 87 years old but he's in great shape; still drives. He's sometimes hard of hearing but then some times he surprises me with having heard something that was said from across the table. I had this God awful headache and asked Jim and Jon to cut their shopping short. All I wanted to do was lay down; which I did when we got home. Jim rented "Dan in Real Life" which he and I watched on his back patio. This was a movie we liked. My headache subsided. :)

And that's it. In a nutshell.

Is there a defense for speeding?

I got stopped for speeding on Thursday night. Yeah, me; the one who is a stickler for obeying the rules; the one who gets mad when someone speeds by me in a huff while I'm doing the speed limit. When I saw the cop lights on behind me and the siren demanding I pull over, my first thought was that something had malfunctioned on my car...a brake light was out or he must want to talk to me about something that only I can help him with. Something...but not speeding. Speeding didn't even cross my mind when I asked him if I was doing something wrong.

He took my license and insurance card and said he'd be back as he went to his car. I imagine, but I have no direct knowledge of this, that he was calling in my license number to see if I was a perpetual offender of the rules. Surely he'd come back to me with a warning...surely. Not a chance. He claims I was doing 50 mph in a 40.

So how do you defend yourself? What comes to mind I think are things surely to get me in more trouble.

"Sorry sir, I just wasn't paying attention."

"I was on the phone with my husband."

No, those don't sound like good defenses, even to me. I might as well tell him I was putting my make up or texting my friend. Awww....

This is going to cost me $161!

Can I go to court and just apologize? Can I explain to them that I'm really a good law abiding citizen and if they lowered the fine it would be the right thing to do?

Or do I just pay it? The officer said it won't effect my insurance since it's not over 10 mph. Aw...grrrrr....crap. My bad.

Oh the benefits of having a blog!

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to...cry if I want to.

Aw...yes, I sometimes write what's on my mind and yes, sometimes it means I'm just spouting out at the finger tips. But this is the beauty of having a blog. You say what you feel and yes, it's based on my own preception. It's my thoughts. And yes, there are other sides to the story. Things that bug me, for example, the Chinese food bit below, can, no doubt, be totally justified...whoever brought in the food could have been out and about on their lunch hour and decided at the last minute to get it; she could be a person that doesn't like to partake in the responsibility of placing other people's orders...there's a whole host of reasons but since I don't know them....I see what I see and I write about it as I see it. That's the amazing thing about having your own blog! Truly.

Now, unlike Jay Leno who I thought was totally unfair to Monica Lewinsky during whole "I did not have sex with that woman!" debunkle, a blog not only presents my opinions but I allow comments! So if anyone disagrees or thinks I'm being one-sided (which truly I am) they are so welcome to share! Yeah...I encourage it!