The Artist's Way

I started reading the book THe Artist's Way. I need to do what they call "morning pages." This exercise consists of writing every day three pages of whatever is on your mind. They want you to do it in longhand which really is hard for me. I tried to do it and the first paragraph almost paralized my wrist. I wonder if it would be less affective if I type it. Maybe I could blog it. I need to ask Liz.

APRIL 14TH, 2005

Work is where I am...doing the mindless, repetitive...a trained monkey..okay a highly trained monkey could do this. Changing provider specialties in "the system". I'm feeling overwhelmed with school. So much is due and Jim, Debi and the kids will be here on Saturday. My boss is off to Washington on Tuesday. Why does life get so busy at once?

April 7th, 2005

I want to be one of these students here in the Cyber Cafe at school who are clink clinking on the keyboard writing out all they need to say, having their thoughts just pour out of them. I'm not like that, unfortunately. I play my stupid computer game because I can play it here and not at work. I can blog at work. I lost my game before hitting 500k so that was a waste of time.

News Editing was canceled. Dr. Clark said that might happen as an old colleage who used to work here was dying and they knew it was a matter of time. He died last Friday. Classes were canceled on Tuesday. I called to check. It was so strained to ask if there would be class, like I was looking to get out of class. I should have said, I have no problem w/ going to class. I'm trying to avoid an unnecessary trip. Sherry Stupp, the lady who works for the journalism department listened to me babble out my consolence speech, all the while I'm thinking she is thinking I don't care about the teacher they lost and I just want to get out of class. I didn't know him. I'm sad for the teachers who did and who will miss him but honestly I guess I am looking to see how his death affects me. That's the bottom line.

Since class was canceled I made my way here to the student center. I had lost $3 in the pop machine in the communication bldg. I didn't think they would give it back to me as I didn't have the exact dates. The machine is like a wishing well. You put your dollar in and you push the series of numbers that identify your selection and you pray, "Please fall, please fall" you root on the soda. Four times since the semester started I have lost a dollar. One day I saw the pop man and I told him, he gave me a free coke. Since I had the time, I came here to collect my money. Three bucks is three bucks.

There's a man in here whose cell phone rang. Instead of answering it by quietly murmuring a "hello", he answered it like he's in his kitchen with a girl in the livingroom waiting on him to bring in the beers. The phone so he answers halfway between the kitchen and the livingroom. He wants the girl to hear him, to know he's speaking to another girl. I have thought people over react when they complain about people on cell phones and I didn't understand that. But if they are going to be so loud about it...okay, I see their point.

I'm going to go back to the communication bldg. Later.

April 6th, 2005

I must be this hypersenitive person who just can't be happy. I am so annoyed by the big sick snorting co-worker...it makes me nuts. No doubt it must be me. I can handle the coughing and the throat clearing but the "suck the crap into your brain so you can swallow it" just grosses me out. The sad news is, no one else is affected by it enough to complain. Debi says people will have to complain to their supervisors and then their supervisors will have to complain to her. So, first the employee has to be pissed off by it enough to go to their supers and then the supers have to feel it warrants a talk with Debi. Double wammie for me. Not going to happen. Another thing is that this department employees so many people "of substance". How's that for a euphanism? Every time someone walks past my cube it feels like an elephant is walking by. My cube shakes...a lot. I think I get motion sickness. I wrote an email to Lynette about it. Hey, I don't need to make a trip into Bill Duckworth's lap downstairs. The email will help me out in any litigation that may arise when the floor collapses. Lynette said she will have the floor checked out. (Okay...let's see if that happens.)

I need to be hypnotized to not be so sensitive to this. I got to call Gary. Maybe he can do it for me.

Later....

March 18th, 2005

Okay...I'm doing good now.

My "Spring Break" is over now I guess. I did not accomplish all I wanted to do..dang...it was so nice to be off from school. It is going to be intense work from now until the end of the semester. Ewww.....not looking forward to that.

Work was so nice and quiet the past two days as the sick snorting co-worker stayed home to watch NCAA basketball. Oh, I was so spoiled. Debi was off too but she's not noisey...not often. Liz dropped the bombshell...why she and Debi have been in conference more than normal. Liz, much to my dismay, is leaving at the end of the month. She got a better offer...one she couldn't refuse. Gawd, I'm the kiss of death...my good friends, the ones I really connect with, leave me. Ray, Gary, Pam, Joseph, and now Liz. I don't blame her; I just don't like it. Debi must be in agony knowing she has to find a replacement. It will get hairy at work too. It could be interesting. The nice thing about this departure is, Liz understood how important it would be for me to hear it from her before the general population got wind of it. I appreciate her for doing so.

I met Gary for lunch today. He's nice. He's very smart, much more well rounded than me. He knows a lot about a lot. It was nice to see him.

Funny thing for this week: I was wearing earplugs when "snorting co-worker" was in attendance. I discovered if you pitch the plug around the middle of it and push it to one side and lay it on the table...well, it resembles something very funny as it bounces slowly back into shape. Nurse Debbie was laughing her ass off.

Worked out today. Wrote a letter to old boyfriend Dave in Pittsburgh. I wonder if he will respond. Here's the letter...

Dear Dave,

Hi. Surprise! It's me, Eva xxxxx. I thought about writing you for some time now. The thing is, I just can't believe it's been so long…close to twenty-five years since we had any communication. That's a long time to not know how someone you once cared about is doing. Are you happy? I know you married Cheryl; did you have children? Are you still doing accounting? How is your
family? How is Jared? Gosh, he must be close to 30.

There's a country song that goes something like "…. unwritten law, protocol…says to leave the past alone." But I don't know what is wrong with reconnecting on a different level.

I live in Oklahoma. Yeah, I'm an Okie…but not from Muskogee.

Phil and I have been happily married for almost 18 years. We did not have any children (just not in God's plan) but we have nieces and nephews and that is fine.
We have been in OK for seven years. Phil took a job with Hertz. Their data center is here; he's a programmer. I went back to school, at 42 years old, to get my bachelors in Journalism. I'm only going part time so it's taking me a while. I've been working at an insurance company for six years. It's not brain surgery but it pays the bills. I have been freelance writing a bit. (See Okwomanmag.com if you're interested) I hope to get an internship this summer at an ad agency or publication. Life is
good.

I would love to hear from you, just to say "hey." That would be great.

Well, I gotta run. Phil and I meet up at the Y three times a week, after work, to work out. Today's the day. (Rejoice!) Please take care.

Eva

I wrote to the publisher of Metro Family Magazine about an internship. Let's hope something becomes of it.

March 15th, 2005

I will write on my lunch hour now. I need to do more of this.

I mailed out a "brosuresume" w/ a letter to Brainstorm. They are an ad agency in Edmond. I want to intern there this summer. Debi has agreed to let me work 8 hours / per for 10 weeks. It's very nice of her. I can't help but wonder though if she's doing it because she's hoping to get rid of me. There is no benefit to the company to let me intern. Oh silly me. She's just being nice. Anyway, I really like the brosuresume. It outlines my work experience, education and acheivements. Let's see what happens.

Phil is doing really well on his diet. He's down 21 lbs. I don't notice it on him and this upsets him but I can't help it. I just don't see it....well maybe a little....if I squint. He wants to drop 9 more lbs. I have dropped some too but I think I got it all back. We have been good about going to the Y though...3 times /week. We went last night.

Thought for the time between now and the next thought:
"I'm a reasonable person....I will do whatever is needed when faced with the realization I have little choice."

This includes acceptance of a co-worker who hacks up a lung every 90 seconds and then pulls the snot out of his head so he can swallow it. I am lead to believe I have no choice in these matters. He has a medical condition. I should be thankful it's not gas. I wish I had known about this back in my days at Jaeckle when I cried all the time. I could just have told them it's a medical condition (behaviorial but still a medical condition) and it can not be helped.

Something is up w/ Debi and Liz. They have been in conference more than usual and have meet up outside of work too. I don't know. It reminds me of Chari and Lori and Me...the third wheel who got left behind all the time. I liked it better when they were fighting. So many things remind me of how little I have changed. Maybe someday I will find some peace. But not like Josette did.

February 27th, 2005

Josette died last week. They said it was a heart condition; the same thing her husband died of at 40 some years old. Josette was 42. They had two little girls. I still can not believe she is gone. I have not spoken to her in years, but now I know I had relished in the idea that I could if I wanted to. Upon further review, it was determined that it was not a heart condition but Josette's own need to find peace despite the consequences to her children. Jenny said she must not felt she had a choice. So many I have talked to have said they do not understand how she could do this to her children. All I can say, in Josette's defense, is that we do not know that dispare unless we have looked into that darkness and found no way out. I can remember a moment in my life 20 some years ago when I saw the darkness before me but I could not face it; I remember running as fast as I could the other way. It was like a ledge, a high dark ledge that has forever intensified my fear of heights and darkness. I agree with Jenny, Josette felt she had no choice...she got too close to the edge and could not make her way back. They say you will not go to heaven if you do what Josette did. I so hope God makes an exception. She was so sun shiny bright; so happy in her hey day. Please God take her in and embrass her.

February 8, 2005

Hey. I have my left hip on ice. I hope it helps the pain. Well, I also took a loratab (or however you spell it). It should kick in soon. It is almost Wednesday, Ash Wednesday, to be exactly. I have decided to give up phospheric acid...it's the carmel coloring you find in most cokes or brown drinks. It's not good for your bones and I think my back problems are linked to too much coke. I could be doing too much coke....really! I will be drinking more water which is definately a good thing. Phil thinks I will be grumpy so I have to make a conscience effort to not be grumpy too. I told him, "I'm not giving up caffeine." Hopefully I can do it. It just that coke or diet coke is such a treat for me. Oh well. We will see.

School is good. Work is good. I love the structure of work. I look forward to it since I decided to change my attitude. Debi said, "the job is what the job is." and she is right. I'm going to go to work, do my job the best I can and leave. Overtime has been cut. Poor Liz..Debi is piling the work on her so I don't do any OT. She is fnally saying "enough is a enough." I'm glad for that.

January 9th, 2005

Here we are...2005. How weird is this? I can remember when it was 1999 and the new millileim was approaching and everyone was all up in arms over what will happen. Phil had to work on New Years Eve so he could be on guard watching that all went well in the car rental business. Right now it is almost 3am. I am obsessed with sleeping but after having done it a lot today, I find it hard to do. Phil is in bed. I will go there to listen to him snore. It is not a loud snore, not usually, but just heavy breathing that has a sloothing rhythm to it. Scuffy will snore too on the other side of me. I'm writing in a journal more than on line. I found some nice ones at the dolllar store. I love the dollar store. I bought 8 journals. I don't know what I will do with them but I had to have them. I'm working on my novel...rewriting what I have. Oh if dreams really could come true.

November 12th, 2004

I had to get a hold of Dr. Hook to find out what TIN he was using. I called him and he came to see me today. I got the information and thought that was all I needed. He left. I realized I had more to ask him so I had him paged. Apparently he was in with Marc who called my extension. Marc said, "You're looking for Dr. Hook?" Sounds fairly innocent a question, but the reflection in his voice made it sound like, "What could you, mistress of the simple minded who's job could be done by a monkey, possibly want with a man so important he meets with me?" I know, I know, I'm reading too much into it...but that's the feeling right now.

November 9th, 2004

Why did I have this overwhelming desire to flip Mike Schaeffer the bird this morning? I was driving into the parking lot early this morning and there he was trampsing his way to the door and for this split second, when he looked at me through my windshield, I wanted so much to give him the finger. How weird is this? More later.

October 20, 2004

If anyone at works asks me what I want for my birthday, I will say this..."I want to be prevey to something before the general employee population is made aware of it. I want to be trusted. I want to be a part of something, a decision, something. There have been changes at work. I am too busy to try to find out what's going to change; I don't have time to put my ear to the ground. But I want to know." Okay, Okay, I know this isn't about me. I know I have a tendency to personalize it. I just want to feel included. Is that so bad? There have been changes right around me and I wasn't given the info until everyone else was and that doesn't seem right. Of course, who am I to ask for this. Just another loney peon.

I'm joining the Y. Let's see if I stick to it. You have to get in the habit to exercise like you brush your teeth. You do it everyday. (Brush your teeth at least twice though.)

September 22, 2004

I'm a little annoyed with myself. I went to Buffalo and I did not write...not here...not anywhere. What is the matter with me?

My flight was good even though I had this God awful headache the whole time. I can't complain though. At least the Big D stayed away. It was good to see my mom and dad. Their house is such a mess though. I did do some cleaning for mom though.

Kathy's wedding was nice. There were a lot of people there we hadn't seen in a while. She seemed happy. Michael seemed happy too.

I saw Lori for breakfast on Friday morning. She's going okay but needs to get away from Eric. He is just too abusive. She deserves better. She just can't be alone...she's one of these women who can not stand on her own...she has to have a man in her life. or at least she believes this to be true.

I have to do better at this writing. I will try.

September 9th, 2004

Just a quick word here. I can not take a lunch as I must leave in 40 minutes for class.

Philip is leaving tomorrow for Buffalo. I will take him to work and then get him in the afternoon and take him to the airport. I'm looking forward to the time alone but not like I had in the past. I think this is because I know on Wednesday, I too will be flying to Buffalo. The whole travel thing scares me. It is really trust to get on a plane. You are really trusting the pilot and the crew. Yes, I guess you can say that about getting into a car and driving with someone except, your chances of surviving a driver error in judgment is a lot better than a pilot's error in judgement.

Anyway, it will be nice to have the house to myself this weekend. No baseball! There will be football on Sunday though. I will get a lot of my reading done so I don't have to do it in NY.

This morning I saw on Good Morning America a story about this school in Russia where terriorists took it over and killed hundreds of kids. I don't know their reasoning; doesn't seem like anything could justify that anyway. I think the only thing that can happen to stop all this madness is if aliens came down and told us to wise up. This is what we need. Extraterestial scaring the bejesus out of us. This free choice crap isn't working so something else has to do it. Of course, I'm hoping the aliens then leave us and don't hurt us either. Could be a good book.

Back to work for now. Later.

September 6th, 2004

Happy Labor Day. It is almost 10pm. I had started a journal....a real journal with acid free paper and a special pen. Okay, the pen is not that special but it writes well on the new paper. I don't think I will write about everything in that paper journal though. Not that I have anything to hide..okay I have a little to hide. In my Public Info System class that started two weeks ago, we talked about values and attitudes and ethics. I was hoping the teacher would call on me because I think I have something to say to a class of 20 year olds. Oh, maybe not. Maybe all 43+ year old people think they have something to say. Anyway, I'd say I can remember when Phil and I first got married. Shortly there after Alan Jackson came out with a new song that went something like, I"ll try to love only you. I remember being so incensed by it. I even called the radio station and told them how stupid the song was. "I'll try to love only you." What kind of crazy talk is that. Of course you will love only me! 17 years later, I understand. It's hard to stay focused. Wierd.

August 9th, 2004

I'm on hold. Great time to Blogger. Phil is off work today. I'm bored at work. I have tons to do but I am still bored. Still holding. I'm thinking I should go through my day inventing everything....just randomly making stuff up so I can learn how to think quickly...like they do on Who's Line is it anyway? I need to practice. Could help with the boredom problem. No longer on hold. Back later.

August 8th, 2004

Okay, here I am. No excuses. I'm not good about writing. I have good intentions and...well, we know what we do with them. I'm here now so let's be proactive and move on. I think about life in Buffalo and the only events that stick out in my mind is the friggin snow and having to take the bus. I don't remember what Phil and I did together. I try to think of "memories" and they are so few. I remember that time when the Mahoneys came over for Ma's birthday. Elliot took a swipe out of the birthday cake. I had to fill it wil more frosting. I told everyone about it though...didn't want them to think I was trying to get away with something. I remember the chicken fingers at Vince's PIzza Plus. I remember how it pissed me off that the neighbors didn't care if I lived or died.  I remember not having a car and depending on Kathy Killeagh to pick me up and all the hard times she gave me over that. I remember the snow up to my knees as I made my way up to Tonawanda Street to catch the bus. That was not a happy time.  That's all.

July 9th, 2004

Ok....let's try this again before I am too tired to do anymore. I will not promise to be good and write everyday. This is what I want to do but I just don't. I have no excuse. Anyway, here's what is happening.....

I finished my Advertising Graphic class at UCO. I don't know my grade yet but I would think I got an A. It was fun. I also wrote a couple letters to the editor at the Vista, the college paper. One was disputed by another student. I wrote back my response but they didn't print it. It was fun.

I have another article coming out in Oklahoma Woman. It is suppose to hit the streets tomorrow. Pam an I are going out to Jimmy's Egg so I will see if it has been delivered then.

Poor Liz. Her son will need heart surgery. She's really afraid for him. She is too nice a person to have this happen. I keep telling God, make bad things happened to bad people and that'll straighten them out.

Oh man, I got to go to bed. More tomorrow.

June 8th, 2004

This new schedule is taking some getting used to. I am in class from 8-10:30 and at work by 11. Don't know when to eat lunch since I will not have dinner until 8 at night. Weird.

School is good. Work is busy. No time to write just stuff.

June 1st, 2004

Here I go again. Not writing for days and days. Shame on me. Today was my first class of Advertising Graphics. It will be very interesting. Need to learn the MAC. There is about 10 of us. I'm probably the oldest, including the teacher. He seems like he will be very good, knowledgable. Hope he's patient. I have to see if my USB media card will work to save files. Today we just went over the basic stuff. I was at work by 10:am. That's good. More Later.