The Upside to a Masectomy - part 3

I can sext a photo of my chest to someone and I won't get charged with "The Distribution of Obscenity (the legal term for pornography)!"

Still not used to this boob-less status

If you watch Direct TV you get a lot of channels to pick from. I'm still learning where the ones I like are so I end up scrolling through the guide. Did you know that there is a Bra infomerical on one channel or another every other hour? Seriously. I catch myself getting involved in it...There's the Aaagh Bra and the Genie Bra and this morning The View had a segment on where they got ladies in the audience to do a bra challenge. Several ladies volunteered to show their bra-covered hooters in exchange for a free bra from Playtex. And there I was watching it, saying "oh, that's pretty." Not one of them was wearing a mastectomy bra. Why is that? We're an audience. I suppose I could buy these bras and get creative. (That's all for now....more soon.)

On Being Deboobed and Deported

Tomorrow is the big day. I thought I should write today to share my thoughts and feelings before the surgery and then compare them to afterward. So here goes:

Many people have told me that I will mourn the loss of my breasts. I don't know about this. I feel like my boobs betrayed me. The idea that they are malignant flabs of flesh kind of freaks me out. I really want them gone. I say this now but, I don't know I might be singing a different tune tomorrow afternoon. I'll, no doubt, miss the healthy ones.

It's funny because I never really flaunted my breasts. I never wore low-cut tops or halters. I guess I wasn't raised that way. Modesty was my mom's big mantra. I always felt there was no place in the workplace for them. I have to say I was kind of surprised when I moved in Oklahoma in 1998 and saw more woman showing cleavage at work than I saw in Buffalo, NY. Who would have thought that? The state didn't even allow the lottery at that time but showing deep glimpses of your private parts at work was okay. Aw the irony.

People don't mourn the lost of their spleen, right. Well, I guess that has to be different. Last I checked a spleen isn't a part of your sexuality. Bad example.

So, I'm just counting down the hours now....checking out my own boobs every now and then...saying my good-byes. I guess they served me well for 35 years. That's not a bad run, right? (Yeah, if you do the math, I was a late bloomer!) :) But I'll be fine. See ya on the flip side. :)

Ten Days to Being Boob-free

Yeah, I'm freaking out a bit; not too much since it's still over a week before my surgery.

A few posts ago I wrote about being free like an 6 year old, no bra, just going oh natur-al....maybe wear a t-shirt; maybe run around the back yard under the sprinklers like I used to do 44 years ago. I don't know...did we even have sprinklers 44 years ago? I remember having a little kiddy pool.

In a recent post I even wrote about going back to work without that clear indication of my sexuality....yeah, keep 'em guessing, I thought. Obviously, going back to where I worked is no longer an option. So I guess I'm re-thinking this whole thing. Once I heal and start looking for a job, well, I guess boobs might be mandatory. Of course no one would have come out and say that; I'm sure that's discrimination unless I apply for a job at Hooters or a Strip Bar. I guess they can discriminate since the whole point of hiring me would be my boobs. Well, maybe Hooters can't.

I went to the American Cancer Society last week and they gave me a "Comfy Bra" Yep, those days of stuffing your bra are back. It like a regular bra, opens in front but it has these pockets. It also comes with these two tan colored inserts that you stuff with the accompanying fiber material..same thing in stuffed animals. Then you can insert the inserts into the pockets of the Comfy Bra. You can packet it tight or packet it loose. Can't wait. This week I'm going to a store for a camisole that has pockets or straps to hook my drainage tubes up to after surgery. I understand there will be four. Good gravy!

I know, listen to me go on; like I'm the first woman to have a double mastectomy. I posted on Facebook that I was freaking out and I know I don't need to..it will be fine. It's just....I don't know. Still feels so unexpected. Just never thought I'd be here. But it's all good. One step at a time.

Here We Go Again

Just like last time after Chemo I feel awful. This past weekend I really thought death would be an upgrade. Seriously. I totally understood why some cancer patients decide to refuse treatment and let nature take it course. Of course those people are in a situation where they're not going to get better; they're just asking for more time. I am thrilled beyond words to know this is just temporary but in the meantime....it really sucks. Fortunately, most of the achiness is gone....most of it. I still have nausea but nothing like it was earlier this week.

But now, just like last time, I'm constantly starving and I'm running out of options of things I can eat. One can only eat so much cantaloupe and canned peaches. I have another watermelon I'm going to cut open tonight but I'm so hoping it's sweet enough. The last one, Phil bought at the Farmer's Market. A real farmer told him it was a good one but he was wrong. I had researched watermelon on the net and every site says that the watermelon needs to have a yellowish spot on it where it touched the ground. Absent of that spot means it's not ripe. Now you'd think the farmer at the Farmer's Market would know this, no? Phil paid $6 for that watermelon and it was not sweet. Phil of course is not big on contradicting a so called expert on their produce so he took his word for it. I found one site that says that watermelon doesn't ripen off the vine which makes me think it's really a vegetable. I mean isn't that the difference between a fruit and vegetable? Isn't that the whole argument about tomatoes because they ripen after they are picked? Vegetables don't ripen once they are picked. You don't need to be a farmer to know that.

Anyway, all my Facebook friends have been worried about me since I posted on Monday that I felt like death warmth over. I really did. Sleep was my only salvation. Now eating is if I could just find what I'm looking for. Going to try Egg Fo Young tonight. Let's hope I love it.

Thoughts for a Sunday Afternoon

Just thinking out loud here.

Upon first glance what makes a woman a woman or a man a man? I mean, remember the Pat skits from Saturday Night Live where the main character was devoid of any indicators of what sex he/she was? Back in the 50s you could tell the difference easily...woman wore dresses, had long hair and were not very muscular. But now...woman don't always where dresses, men often have long hair and woman often have short, both woman and men can be muscular. So really the only indicator is that a woman has breasts and in this society, generally speaking, she often shows them off. Yes, men have breasts but barring man-boobs they're not as pronounced.

I envision scenarios in my head where I have no breasts and quite frankly in these scenarios I don't care. I'm happy to wear just a t-shirt like I did when I was 9. What freedom that will be to NOT wear a bra! I can imagine going to work without the curves expected of a woman. Oh people will talk, that's normal but really I won't care because I'll be a live!

I envision being called into HR; being told my lack of breasts has caused a distraction. Can you imagine? But the upside....you won't even know when I'm cold! Bahahahaha. (Gosh I'm too funny)

I feel such relief....

I've been fretting over the idea of reconstructive surgery. It's kind of consumed me the last few days. I know....you're thinking, why would I worry about that when I'm still getting treatment and I still have to have my mastectomy? Well, it's because I'm so friggin' consumed by money. Seriously it's this huge driving force with me. I buy all my clothes at the thrift store for crying out loud! I kept thinking I need to do the reconstruction this year because I've already met my out-of-pocket deductible (or whatever it's called) and everything I do medically is covered at 100%. This means this huge expensive surgery wouldn't cost me anything....if I did it this year. That's the fiscal me talking.

The emotional me was saying, "Holy crap, I don't want any more surgery! What the hell am I thinking?" So, I've been torturing myself the last few days with this. I'm serious.

Well, I'm happy to report, I have let my tight wad ass off the hook! I found out who the surgeon will be and I called him. And guess what? I can't have the surgery anyway until at least 6 months after radiation even if I wanted to. I am so friggin' happy to hear this! The emotional me is happy and the fiscal me...well...I just has to live with it. And I'm okay with that!

Informing - Bra Eating

Not that I'm complaining....okay, I am but I'm sick of complaining because nobody likes to listen (or read) about the woes of someone who is constantly complaining over and over again about something the listener (reader) can't control. So let's not call it complaining; let's call it "informing."

For those who are healthy, okay everyone has some kind of medical issue, but for those who don't have cancer or those who are not going through chemotherapy here is my first hand description of what chemo does to your eating habits.

When you're not going through chemo you have food cravings. You're at work, it's getting close to lunch time and your brain says, "hmm...what do I feel like eating....hamburger, taco, salad.....aw...salad sounds good, think I'll go over to Applebees and get a nice salad...sounds great..can't wait." Well, when you're on Chemo, you have NO cravings, none! But you're starving. You have no idea what to eat. So you go to your refrigerator and pull out stuff but nothing appeals to you so you have to try something. And you find out you don't like much of anything. You have a few bites of different things but nothing tastes good. The few bites you eat though fill you up and you go back to doing what you're doing. Fifteen minutes later, you're starving again. You already know what you didn't care for so what do you do? You try to make something but you end up wasting food because by the time you're done whipping it up, you find out it's not so good...you eat some anyway because you got to eat something. Food runs your life! Who knew?

When I first found out I had cancer I lost my appetite...didn't get hungry. I think that was better.

I saw on Good Morning America a segment where people have crazy obsessions. One lady had to sleep with her blow dryer (turned on), another eats paper and another eats her bra. Apparently she has to tear her bra open and eat the padding. Sounds pretty bizzard but well, I won't be needing mine in a couple months and it would solve the hunger problem. (Oh, come on, I'm kidding...I know that sounds morbidly sad but it does appear practical, no?) Bahahaahaha.

Remember...just informing.

I GOT STD!

Get your mind out of the gutter....
That's Short Term Disability!
Bahahahaaa.....I really needed that one!