Babies and that Maternal Feeling

As many may know, Philip and I have no children.  It, apparently, wasn’t in God’s plan for us.  I spent a good portion of my thirties upset by this revelation; avoiding kids, cringing at the prospect of the invite to a baby shower, getting angry at commercials that depicted families doing family things, hearing that Christmas is for children (n...a...h…I love Christmas even without having kids), telling myself that kids were annoying and who needed them?  Laura Bush had an interesting quote in her book Spoken from the Heart:

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” 

By my mid-forties I came around to accept that this is the way it’s going to be.  I still stayed clear of children but the occasional baby shower grew to be less of a chore, discussing a co-worker's pregnancy didn’t sting as much, but I knew I’d never offer myself to babysit. 

Flash forward to last week.  I was having a garage sale and my neighbor Jamie came over with Norah, her four month old daughter.  Looking back now, I’m amazed at how I initiated Jamie into relinquishing Norah to me.  I deliberately reached for her.  I didn’t even think about it. I just did it.  I know, not a huge deal for most women but for me, it was the first time I have done this since my twenties and I didn’t even realize what I had done until later.  

This weekend has been a particularly rainy one.  Oklahoma really needs it.  This morning I let Becca out and when she came back it, she was drenched.  I had to dry her off with a towel. She was very good about it; even laying down on her back so I could wipe each of her paws.  After I was satisfied with it, I was playing with her and the towel and talking to her like a baby.

“Aw…my little girl is all wet. Poor little girlie. You smell like a wet dog. I know that’s because you are a wet doggy.”


I know…how pathetic is that?  And then I did something I was worried I’d never do again. I clutched her to my bosom.  I had been worried that I wouldn’t feel that maternal need since my bosom had been amputated. But the need was still there.  And that felt good.

A Word about Dating...

No, don't be shocked. It's not the demise of my marriage to Philip.  That will NEVER happen.  But I have a few friends who have tried to get back into the dating scene and they have told me stories.  It just boggles my mind: why is it so hard to find "the one?" 

Take my friend, Tom; he's been divorced for a couple years. He's a nice guy; tall (okay, not that tall…5’11”), dark and handsome in a chiseled kind of way; mid-50s; employed (not a millionaire but doing okay).  He's gone out on dates with woman he's met through various dating services.  The woman on the sites all seem to agree that "they don't want to play games!"  The thing is; they do!!!  It's kind of perplexing. 

Remember that book I reviewed, It Could be Worse, You Could be Me by Ariel Leve?  The one essay was about being direct with where you stand.  I realize it might be hard to hurt someone but if you're not feeling it; say so and let's move on.  Tom has told me stories about how a woman he just met, seemed genuinely interested.  She actually told him she'd like to see him again.  Tom was pretty excited about it but Tom's emails were answered in vague short sentences.

 "Can’t meet on Thursday.”

“Maybe next week." 

Then next week comes and she's busy again.  Then the emails just go unanswered.  What's up with that?  Give the guy a break.  Tom has been forced to evaluate every encounter. Even his profile on the dating site is subject to self-inflected scrutiny. 

Then there is my friend, Amy. She’s a nice lady, early 50s, grown kids, professional with a degree.  For some reason the men she meets feel that sleeping with her is a given.  They paw at her all evening, expecting something will happen.  Amy is no prude by any means, but she’s not going to sleep with a man she barely knows. Well, unless he’s famous and good looking like Glen Frey or Bon Jovi, then maybe…okay probably.  But, why do these guys act that way? I suppose she could put on her profile, “If you’re looking for sex, don’t bother contacting me.”  But if she did that, she’d get no one to respond to her profile and in her early stages of disrepair, she can’t handle that.

I just don’t get why it’s so hard to make connections? Why do people make it so hard?   No games need to be played. It should just fall into place.  Maybe I’ve been spoiled all these years by a seamless relationship with Philip.  There’s no working at it for us; it just happens.  I just wish the same for Tom and Amy.  Eventually it will, I just know it, but in the meantime all you single people: don't make it so hard!

Serious thought I need to say...so here it is...

I posted this pic on Facebook because it rings so true to me.  It makes no sense to give anyone power over you. I get that.  And after having gone through cancer and beating it, one has but no choice to really look at their life and make some changes.  Everyone says to not let the little things get you down...to gloss over it and basically pretend it doesn't exist; it doesn't hurt.  I have approached people with a discussion on this and I sense their frustration.  In my case, I'm like a dog with a bone....I want to analyze it and I try but I get this "In the whole scheme of things, is it really that important. Just let it go!"  Well maybe the person I'm fretting over needs to live in my head a little bit longer rent free; maybe I'm not ready to evict them.  I'm kind of tired of having to feel guilty for wanting to wallow in my despair a little longer.   Yeah, I know it's of no good for me.  I know I should put my energies elsewhere...somewhere more productive but in many cases I just can't...not yet.  Certain things have happened with my socially and I can say I'm making pretty good strides to get past them.  But just because I slip, doesn't mean I'm not moving on..it's just at a different pace than my good-intention friends would like. Just so there's no dispute on this..I love all of my friends; appreciate them so much!!!! So don't stop being you but understand, letting go is not my strong suit (I know, duh!) :)  All is good.