Ten Days to Being Boob-free

Yeah, I'm freaking out a bit; not too much since it's still over a week before my surgery.

A few posts ago I wrote about being free like an 6 year old, no bra, just going oh natur-al....maybe wear a t-shirt; maybe run around the back yard under the sprinklers like I used to do 44 years ago. I don't know...did we even have sprinklers 44 years ago? I remember having a little kiddy pool.

In a recent post I even wrote about going back to work without that clear indication of my sexuality....yeah, keep 'em guessing, I thought. Obviously, going back to where I worked is no longer an option. So I guess I'm re-thinking this whole thing. Once I heal and start looking for a job, well, I guess boobs might be mandatory. Of course no one would have come out and say that; I'm sure that's discrimination unless I apply for a job at Hooters or a Strip Bar. I guess they can discriminate since the whole point of hiring me would be my boobs. Well, maybe Hooters can't.

I went to the American Cancer Society last week and they gave me a "Comfy Bra" Yep, those days of stuffing your bra are back. It like a regular bra, opens in front but it has these pockets. It also comes with these two tan colored inserts that you stuff with the accompanying fiber material..same thing in stuffed animals. Then you can insert the inserts into the pockets of the Comfy Bra. You can packet it tight or packet it loose. Can't wait. This week I'm going to a store for a camisole that has pockets or straps to hook my drainage tubes up to after surgery. I understand there will be four. Good gravy!

I know, listen to me go on; like I'm the first woman to have a double mastectomy. I posted on Facebook that I was freaking out and I know I don't need to..it will be fine. It's just....I don't know. Still feels so unexpected. Just never thought I'd be here. But it's all good. One step at a time.

So Ends Another Chapter

All my possessions from my office were delivered to me this afternoon. It's kind of sad (but I didn't cry). It's amazing how much stuff you accumulate over four years. I'm one of these people who tend to make my office an extension of my home. I bring in blankets (cause it's always freezing in office buildings) and pillows (not the kind you put on your bed, just ones for your chair) and shoes and a fan and a radio and a electric back massage cushion and more shoes.

I have cartoon journals that I create during my brain storming sessions. I've got to scan some of them....cause I'm really fuckin' funny. I don't usually swear but if it emphasizes something like this, it's okay...from time to time. Not all the time...over use is not cool in my book.

Anyway, I also had furniture I brought in to make my office a little nicer....a side table and chair and my own bar. No, I didn't serve drinks....not during office hours....just kidding but the bar was the right height so I could stand and work on ...well work and give my back a break from sitting. It was the perfect solution. And I had bought my own office chair because I wanted something with good support and not the hand me down that was available to me. (Although in all honesty I never asked for the company to buy me a new good chair.)

All of my stuff is in my house, now. There are boxes of it. Even Christmas decorations I had stowed away in the bar when not in season. It was all returned to me today in a bittersweet anti climatic non-celebration. I'm looking through it and reminiscing those good times.

Now I have to find a place for it. Some is going up on Craig's List; some I'm keeping for my next job...hopefully I can bring in the bar. Maybe I need to keep in well stocked. Perhaps this is where I went wrong? Hmm....just a thought. :)

Time for an Update

I just got back from getting lab work done and fluids at Cancer Specialist. I can really tell when I need fluids because for some reason it seems to happen right around the time I'm extra weepy. The nurse there says if I stop crying I might save on fluids. Yeah, I gotta try that. Oh, now don't go feeling bad; I know it could be so much worse. I keep telling myself that. Anyway, here's the scoop....

Despite not getting the taxitere last time, my fingers, toes and lips are still numb. I understand this may not go away for a while. I'm eating a little more now (10 days after) but still I wish I craved stuff...miss my taster. I know some people probably wish they would stop craving food so they could lose weight, but trust me, it sucks.

My double mastectomy surgery is set for August 10th. I'll probably be in the hospital for one night but maybe two, depending on how I feel. It's not going to be much fun but if I can get through chemo, by golly, I can do this. My brother Jim is flying down that week so that's good news.

Well, that's about it. I'm sure I'll be back as I freak out a little more each day about my surgery so stay tuned. :)

I've got the sweetest friends...thanks Suzanne

Yesterday I got a BIG box at my door. It's this amazing basket of ...well, things I'd never think of. There's a CD of relaxing music to get you though chemo (I'm going to figure out how to get that downloaded and synced to my Ipod) I'm sure it will be just as effective though surgery and radiation. There's a ton of organic stuff; tea and soup and chocolate coconut butter; (who knew?) Organic dried banana...the kind mother nature would eat (that's what it says); organic sour cherry nectar; panda all natural soft licorice; and ginger chews (sweet-hot soft ginger candy, natural, stimulating and delicious....yeah stimulating!) This is from my dear sweet friend Suzanne Hummel who lives in Florida but used to live in little old Angola NY and went to school with me.... a long time ago. Thank you so much Suz for thinking of me and thank you Facebook (can't believe I'm saying this) for bringing so many friends from the past back into my life. Especially now. You guys are all awesome!

Okay...now I'm talking about you...

Recently I wrote to a friend asking why I hadn't heard from her in a while. Her response came to me as a shock.

She wrote: I am sorry but because of your actions and the perspective that you put out to the world (which is your perspective) via your blog and your facebook page, I have made a personal decision to remove myself from this situation. If I don't act in the way you think I should or if I say something in which you do not agree, the situation ends up in your blog or on your facebook page.
I am totally blindsided! In the past I have written about people who I felt had wronged me....there's no denying it but NEVER this woman. I never had a reason too. She was my friend. She didn't do anything to warrant me to write about her. She has always been my biggest supporter. She was actually on the phone with me when my dad passed away. When my co-workers took up a collection for me when my dad died, there's no doubt she was one of the biggest contributors. She has always been the most thoughtful caring person I have every known.

I wrote her saying I didn't know what she was referring to but she hasn't acknowledged that email . She may never have read it. I don't know. It saddens me so much that she wants to walk away from our friendship especially since her reasoning is not sound. My only thinking is that she's using this as an excuse.
I have talked to many cancer survivors and read many blogs from people in my situation and many talk about someone who just can't handle the situation of knowing their friend is that much closer to facing their mortality. It's scary knowing a friend may not make it. I have to learn to accept the fact that everyone handles situations differently. Fight or flee? It's too bad for me she choose the latter. I will miss her.
Right now though I need to focus on my recovery and the support system I have! And that's what I need to do.

Last Chemo Update

Well, my last chemo was yesterday. On Facebook I eluded to some good news but that may not be as good as I had hoped. I had complained to Dr Toma that the Taxatere was really causing some bothersome side effects...numbness in fingers, toes, feet...even my lips so she decided I didn't need the last dosage. This saved me an hour in the chair and the hope that I'd not feel as nauseous or fatigued this weekend. Well, that hasn't happened much. True the numbness is better...at least the numbness of chemo (not so sure on loosing my job.)

Today I had to see the radiologist because after my surgery I will be needing weekly daily radiation for six weeks. This will not start until 3 or four weeks after my double mastectomy (to be determined). She assured me that the biggest side effect of this is fatigue and maybe some redness at the radiation site. I imagine this to be a walk in the park after all I've been through. Also today, I had my last Neulasta shot. This is good but I feel the bone pain already. Oh well. It's temporary.

So, now I'll be pretty much sleeping this weekend away. In between I will be trying to eat something. I'll probably be making Phil crazy because there are so many things I will try and I won't like and then he'll want to eat them so not to waste so much. But we'll get by. This too will pass and good things are around the corner.

Disappointments, Friendships and Sadness

Fighting breast cancer just got a little tougher for me. No, I don't know of any new extra treatments I'm going to need....well maybe a little more psycho therapy is in order. Corporate America has reared its little head to say my services at my job are too vital; too important to be completed by whomever has a spare minute to get them done; whomever could drop what they were doing and make what would have been my issue if I were there, their priority. Well, that's pretty much why I had a full time job to do my job because it takes a lot of time and organization to do it right, thorough and give it the attention it deserves. I understand their decision...it's a business one and in this economy, you got to do what's good for business.

I can't help but feel (big mistake here I know) that I am worth any business making an acceptation for: I'm truly THAT good an employee. I'm that committed to them, why don't they feel the same way? I know...I'm not supposed to be...you don't talk business on your deathbed. Yeah I get that. Yes, where's that social worker?

Also there are friendships you develop over the past four years that are forever changed. Sure, you may stay in contact a little: send an occasional email which will probably end up turning in an occasional thrice forwarded joke or prayer. Maybe you'll stay friends on Facebook, maybe you won't. And when you just happen to run into each other at Walmart or the occasional Adult Bookstore :), you'll do that sideways hug and pat on the back, ask how you're doing but not really get into it. It will be different then seeing someone every work day, bonding over the coffee maker, talking about the game last night or this really cool new app you found for your IPad.

I have forged some really good friendships and I felt them slipping away the day I went out on short term disability. Don't get me wrong, I know of a handful of people who are there for me if I need them as I go through this cancer...most I have no qualms about calling in on their "hey, if you need something, call me...I mean it."

But there are others whose sincerity is just not there and it's understandable...really what can you do for someone you just know? I'm guessing they are thinking, "is sending a card too lame?" And they fear it is, so they do nothing. Or they think they will do something sometime but it just gets put on the back burner while they decide....and nothing happens....their life happens. I'm sure there are some who think, "I'll give her her space so she can recover without interruption." Because we all know opening a card takes a lot of energy. Let it be known: It's not lame. Hallmark got it right, "It really does show you care!" And there are days when that is all you need!

Unless you don't care and there's more therapy for me.

Now I will do my best to muddle through the rest of my recovery. My last chemo session is today. I'm glad of that but I'm terrified of how I'm going to be feeling if history repeats itself from the last five treatments. Plus now, I'm unemployed. Stay tuned.

Dear God....

I know I've been calling on you a lot lately but I have to tell you, I don't see an end in sight. Truth be told, this last chemo session has really kicked my butt, so much that I fear the next go around. I know I have a lot of people talking to you on my behalf and I hope it's okay if I ask for myself as well. It's been over two weeks since the fifth chemo treatment and I'm still feeling the side affects. I know you know what they are: the fatigue, inability to find food that I find worthy of eating; the saltiness of the water I try so hard to force myself to drink; the numbness in my fingertips and toes to the point that I have to keep shaking them so they don't fall asleep; the constant pain in my legs, my joints and the just plain over all crappy feeling. In the past, this has lessened a lot sooner but each treatment becomes worse than the last. I totally fear the next one. The only saving grace is, it will be the last. You willing, dear Lord! I don't think I can take more of this if it is not.
Please dear God, let there me an "all clear" at the end of this.
I never knew how much I loved food; going out and about, doing my own thing; taking a shower without collapsing from the effort. I never knew how much I loved my job; how little of an inconvenience it was to be on hold with Medicare for 30 minutes, how much I loved completed forms with PFD Professional, using my scanner, communicating with my insurance rep contacts and office managers of the clinics to whom I provide a serve. How I can't wait to get back to it. I love making order out of chaos and my job could be chaos if I let it. Before I had left, I had that under control. I can't wait to do it again when I get back. Having my job to get back to is one of the things that keeps me sane.
There is so much I have that's good in my life and I thank you so much each day. Thank you for my husband...he is my best friend and has been so good to me through all this craziness. Thank you for my family and my friends. I'm so grateful for my home, my car, some money in the bank. I have been truly blessed and I know I owe it all to you.

Thank you Joan

Recently I received in the mail this wonderful pennant that was created and made by my friend Joan McDonald from Starry Night Designs (starrynightdesignboutique.com) Joan told me that she put all her positive healing energies into the making of my pennant. It is so beautiful. I believe her. Thank you so much for thinking of me.

Karma

I have seen some of my friends on Facebook write in their status the word, "Karma." I can only imagine that someone in their life (probably their boss or their ex) had just received some kind of pay back for being a dick to them. I noticed Beyonce' has a song that talks about what goes around comes around but I got to say I don't believe it. I say this because I know for sure I haven't done anything to deserve this...to deserve cancer. I can't even watch America's Funniest Videos because it hurts my sensibilities to watch people get hurt. You know 90 percent of them show someone falling or getting hit in the family jewels and I can't bear to see it.

I posted this on Facebook and one friend, Sarah, said that no one deserves cancer. I have to disagree. I wish illness was bestowed on the evil. What a concept that would be? The eviler you are, the sicker you get and death doesn't become an option for a long long time. If sickness was distributed based on evilness you wouldn't need courts or even jails. Everyone would know who was evil because they'd be sick. Depending on the crime, the evil doer may have a opportunity to redeem themselves and get better but they'd have to stop being evil. It just makes so much sense. Show some remorse and you get a second chance on life. But this depends on the crime and the intent. God would be the judge.

Here We Go Again

Just like last time after Chemo I feel awful. This past weekend I really thought death would be an upgrade. Seriously. I totally understood why some cancer patients decide to refuse treatment and let nature take it course. Of course those people are in a situation where they're not going to get better; they're just asking for more time. I am thrilled beyond words to know this is just temporary but in the meantime....it really sucks. Fortunately, most of the achiness is gone....most of it. I still have nausea but nothing like it was earlier this week.

But now, just like last time, I'm constantly starving and I'm running out of options of things I can eat. One can only eat so much cantaloupe and canned peaches. I have another watermelon I'm going to cut open tonight but I'm so hoping it's sweet enough. The last one, Phil bought at the Farmer's Market. A real farmer told him it was a good one but he was wrong. I had researched watermelon on the net and every site says that the watermelon needs to have a yellowish spot on it where it touched the ground. Absent of that spot means it's not ripe. Now you'd think the farmer at the Farmer's Market would know this, no? Phil paid $6 for that watermelon and it was not sweet. Phil of course is not big on contradicting a so called expert on their produce so he took his word for it. I found one site that says that watermelon doesn't ripen off the vine which makes me think it's really a vegetable. I mean isn't that the difference between a fruit and vegetable? Isn't that the whole argument about tomatoes because they ripen after they are picked? Vegetables don't ripen once they are picked. You don't need to be a farmer to know that.

Anyway, all my Facebook friends have been worried about me since I posted on Monday that I felt like death warmth over. I really did. Sleep was my only salvation. Now eating is if I could just find what I'm looking for. Going to try Egg Fo Young tonight. Let's hope I love it.

I feel like crap

Sorry to share this but I'm sick and exhausted and hungry but that's life on chemo. While I'm at it, I hate reality TV shows, when people say they have been to hell and back but they never had chemotherapy, people who swear on a regular bases...swearing should be reserved for special occasions. That's all I can think of right now..

Chemo treatment #5 done!

Today was pretty good. No problems with my port, no long waiting time. My numbers all look good. My white cell count was at 11 so that's even better than good. Dr Toma says the tumor is getting smaller. I just have to put up with the side effects a little longer. Right now I feel pretty good.

I'm still grossed about about eating ice when I get the red devil treatment. I tried eating an orange Sonic slush instead but it still grossed me out. I can't believe how even thinking about eating ice can make me nauseous. Sharon, the nurse at Cancer Specialist of OK, says that is pretty typical.

So ....one more treatment and I'm done with chemo. Then on to the next chapter of this long-really-don't-feel-like-reading-this book. But it's okay for right now. I'll update again in the next couple days. I'm sure I'll have something more to "inform" you about. :)

Misconceptions about cancer

Here is a great link to some interesting information regarding misconceptions about cancer. http://listverse.com/2009/06/05/top-10-misconceptions-about-cancer/

I would also like to add one more. If a woman is pregnant she need NOT be concerned about being near a person who is going through chemotherapy treatment. I asked Dr Toma about this today and she said there is no risk what so ever. Dr Toma's nurse is actually pregnant right now. It would be advised that she not be mixing the drugs for infusion but being around a person under going treatment poses no risk to an unborn baby.

Thoughts for a Sunday Afternoon

Just thinking out loud here.

Upon first glance what makes a woman a woman or a man a man? I mean, remember the Pat skits from Saturday Night Live where the main character was devoid of any indicators of what sex he/she was? Back in the 50s you could tell the difference easily...woman wore dresses, had long hair and were not very muscular. But now...woman don't always where dresses, men often have long hair and woman often have short, both woman and men can be muscular. So really the only indicator is that a woman has breasts and in this society, generally speaking, she often shows them off. Yes, men have breasts but barring man-boobs they're not as pronounced.

I envision scenarios in my head where I have no breasts and quite frankly in these scenarios I don't care. I'm happy to wear just a t-shirt like I did when I was 9. What freedom that will be to NOT wear a bra! I can imagine going to work without the curves expected of a woman. Oh people will talk, that's normal but really I won't care because I'll be a live!

I envision being called into HR; being told my lack of breasts has caused a distraction. Can you imagine? But the upside....you won't even know when I'm cold! Bahahahaha. (Gosh I'm too funny)

I feel such relief....

I've been fretting over the idea of reconstructive surgery. It's kind of consumed me the last few days. I know....you're thinking, why would I worry about that when I'm still getting treatment and I still have to have my mastectomy? Well, it's because I'm so friggin' consumed by money. Seriously it's this huge driving force with me. I buy all my clothes at the thrift store for crying out loud! I kept thinking I need to do the reconstruction this year because I've already met my out-of-pocket deductible (or whatever it's called) and everything I do medically is covered at 100%. This means this huge expensive surgery wouldn't cost me anything....if I did it this year. That's the fiscal me talking.

The emotional me was saying, "Holy crap, I don't want any more surgery! What the hell am I thinking?" So, I've been torturing myself the last few days with this. I'm serious.

Well, I'm happy to report, I have let my tight wad ass off the hook! I found out who the surgeon will be and I called him. And guess what? I can't have the surgery anyway until at least 6 months after radiation even if I wanted to. I am so friggin' happy to hear this! The emotional me is happy and the fiscal me...well...I just has to live with it. And I'm okay with that!

No Bra Eating Necessary!

Aw...I got the nicest, most caring friends! I swear I am so blessed. I guess threatening to eat your bra is a call for action for my dear friend Maggie in Western NY. Here's the Edible Arrangement she send me yesterday. Aw man....such great fruit. I tell you, I have lots of it too. There's watermelon, cantaloupe, pineapple, chocolate covered bananas, grapes....it's a fruit orgy. Thank you so much Maggie. Yes, it does help. I can eat this!!!!!

I also got an Easy Button from Arlene from Sweetwater, TX. It's so funny. After I eat something I'm not so crazy about I hit it and it says, "Now that was easy." I'm talking myself into it. I ask Phil do do something and he gets all aspirated because he wants to do something else but he does it and then I hit the button. He loves that. hehe. Thank you so much Arlene for thinking of me! (Phil thanks you too!)

Informing - Bra Eating

Not that I'm complaining....okay, I am but I'm sick of complaining because nobody likes to listen (or read) about the woes of someone who is constantly complaining over and over again about something the listener (reader) can't control. So let's not call it complaining; let's call it "informing."

For those who are healthy, okay everyone has some kind of medical issue, but for those who don't have cancer or those who are not going through chemotherapy here is my first hand description of what chemo does to your eating habits.

When you're not going through chemo you have food cravings. You're at work, it's getting close to lunch time and your brain says, "hmm...what do I feel like eating....hamburger, taco, salad.....aw...salad sounds good, think I'll go over to Applebees and get a nice salad...sounds great..can't wait." Well, when you're on Chemo, you have NO cravings, none! But you're starving. You have no idea what to eat. So you go to your refrigerator and pull out stuff but nothing appeals to you so you have to try something. And you find out you don't like much of anything. You have a few bites of different things but nothing tastes good. The few bites you eat though fill you up and you go back to doing what you're doing. Fifteen minutes later, you're starving again. You already know what you didn't care for so what do you do? You try to make something but you end up wasting food because by the time you're done whipping it up, you find out it's not so good...you eat some anyway because you got to eat something. Food runs your life! Who knew?

When I first found out I had cancer I lost my appetite...didn't get hungry. I think that was better.

I saw on Good Morning America a segment where people have crazy obsessions. One lady had to sleep with her blow dryer (turned on), another eats paper and another eats her bra. Apparently she has to tear her bra open and eat the padding. Sounds pretty bizzard but well, I won't be needing mine in a couple months and it would solve the hunger problem. (Oh, come on, I'm kidding...I know that sounds morbidly sad but it does appear practical, no?) Bahahaahaha.

Remember...just informing.

6 Days after Chemo

Well, I'm getting better. Still feel like Superman bathing in kryptonite; still having a hard time finding foods I like; still aching like a son of a gun but it's getting better! Thanks to all my supporters!

Funny thing about healthcare, Facilities and doctors offices are pretty quick at asking for payment, which is normal, it's a business, I get that but when you over pay...getting your money back...they're not so quick with the reimbursement. I'm talking over a grand is owed to me...well, to Visa and I know my insurance carrier sent them their checks back in May..why it takes them so long to post it to my account? Well, that's a mystery. I've been on the phone with them again with a friendly reminder!

In other news: I just finished reading The Help. It was a great book. I find it fascinating how times have changed. I had no idea as a little girl that discrimination existed. I was just totally oblivious to it. This book is set in Jackson Mississippi where the lines between black and white are well, black and white. The Help is coming out in a movie this summer. Should be interesting.

Sorry but this sucks....

Chemo isn't so bad during the process or even the next day but the next few days after that....aw man...I've been hit by a bus. My energy level is in the toilet. Speaking of which, on the positive side, I haven't been too ill; not like last time. But my desire to eat is limited to foods that are cold and wet....melon, watermelon however finding some that is sweet is a struggle. Foods and drinks are all fuzzy. I mean it. It's like everything has a fuzzy feel to it. Like eating peaches. Aw, it's so crazy. And my joints....well, it this is how arthritis feels; I'm in trouble. Yeah, I know it can be worse and I know I'm almost done....only two more treatments. Praise the Lord!