Thinking of my momma

It's still so hard for me. I remember a time, not too long ago, where I had convinced myself that because of my mom's drinking I wouldn't feel bad or miss her when she died. I convinced myself to believe that drinking was the reason why her bones were so brittle and she knew this going in and she was doing this to herself. This meant, her having some control over, her death would be partly her fault so I wouldn't miss her. Well, I was wrong. Big time wrong. Not a day goes by where I wish I could call her; just to chat...talk about nothing. We did that so well together. This sucks.

Fun at work...or not

I went to work today. I'm not allowed to put in more than five hours of OT each week. I hit the fifth hour last night. I brought work home and while doing it, I kept thinking I should go to work even though I don't get paid for it. I mean a sense of accomplishment is worth something, right? So I went in. I was totally alone. It wasn't fun and I have decided that if I'm not going to get something out of it, I'm not going to do it. I'd like to think that comtributiong to the cause is enough, but no one is going to know I was even there and if I have to say something to someone, that doesn't make me a good person. It's like I'm looking for approval.

During the work week, I'm not supposed to be doing photocopying or even writing letters because TPTB want to get that kind of work to someone else, someone who happens to have a few spare minutes to do MY work. This is to free me up to do more data entering. The problem with this is that there are so many variations to the work, so many things to watch out for while doing it but there isn't enough time to show someone these things. It's faster to do it myself than to train someone else who has their own work to do. It's human nature to not want to be as anal with someone else's work than your own. You do the best you can but there isn't time to understand why you need to do it a certain way.

There is a ton of filing to do; a ton of files that need to be pulled. I have pulled a ton already...A-S is done. I've done this on my own time and this project hasn't been too bad because I love seeing the finished product. I have been working on this project for over a year, of course I'm going to want to see it come to a close. That, too, is human nature.

My biggest fear is that my boss "D" will tell my co-worker "J", who is a salary employee that she needs to come in on a Saturday and have this filing boxing party. She'll tell J to bring in her 9 year old daughter, they will order a pizza, play the forbidden radio and have fun getting the job done. This will piss me off because I want this so much; to feel like this major conributer to "the cause"; to be recognized as a team player. But, if she invited me, she'd have to pay me and shw won't do that.

Truth be told, I wouldn't mind doing work without getting paid for it monetarily, but I want something...a feeling of community working towards something, a free lunch, a feeling of something more than what I have. Crap. I don't know if I'll ever find that.

Fortunately, life goes on.