Ten Days to Being Boob-free

Yeah, I'm freaking out a bit; not too much since it's still over a week before my surgery.

A few posts ago I wrote about being free like an 6 year old, no bra, just going oh natur-al....maybe wear a t-shirt; maybe run around the back yard under the sprinklers like I used to do 44 years ago. I don't know...did we even have sprinklers 44 years ago? I remember having a little kiddy pool.

In a recent post I even wrote about going back to work without that clear indication of my sexuality....yeah, keep 'em guessing, I thought. Obviously, going back to where I worked is no longer an option. So I guess I'm re-thinking this whole thing. Once I heal and start looking for a job, well, I guess boobs might be mandatory. Of course no one would have come out and say that; I'm sure that's discrimination unless I apply for a job at Hooters or a Strip Bar. I guess they can discriminate since the whole point of hiring me would be my boobs. Well, maybe Hooters can't.

I went to the American Cancer Society last week and they gave me a "Comfy Bra" Yep, those days of stuffing your bra are back. It like a regular bra, opens in front but it has these pockets. It also comes with these two tan colored inserts that you stuff with the accompanying fiber material..same thing in stuffed animals. Then you can insert the inserts into the pockets of the Comfy Bra. You can packet it tight or packet it loose. Can't wait. This week I'm going to a store for a camisole that has pockets or straps to hook my drainage tubes up to after surgery. I understand there will be four. Good gravy!

I know, listen to me go on; like I'm the first woman to have a double mastectomy. I posted on Facebook that I was freaking out and I know I don't need to..it will be fine. It's just....I don't know. Still feels so unexpected. Just never thought I'd be here. But it's all good. One step at a time.

So Ends Another Chapter

All my possessions from my office were delivered to me this afternoon. It's kind of sad (but I didn't cry). It's amazing how much stuff you accumulate over four years. I'm one of these people who tend to make my office an extension of my home. I bring in blankets (cause it's always freezing in office buildings) and pillows (not the kind you put on your bed, just ones for your chair) and shoes and a fan and a radio and a electric back massage cushion and more shoes.

I have cartoon journals that I create during my brain storming sessions. I've got to scan some of them....cause I'm really fuckin' funny. I don't usually swear but if it emphasizes something like this, it's okay...from time to time. Not all the time...over use is not cool in my book.

Anyway, I also had furniture I brought in to make my office a little nicer....a side table and chair and my own bar. No, I didn't serve drinks....not during office hours....just kidding but the bar was the right height so I could stand and work on ...well work and give my back a break from sitting. It was the perfect solution. And I had bought my own office chair because I wanted something with good support and not the hand me down that was available to me. (Although in all honesty I never asked for the company to buy me a new good chair.)

All of my stuff is in my house, now. There are boxes of it. Even Christmas decorations I had stowed away in the bar when not in season. It was all returned to me today in a bittersweet anti climatic non-celebration. I'm looking through it and reminiscing those good times.

Now I have to find a place for it. Some is going up on Craig's List; some I'm keeping for my next job...hopefully I can bring in the bar. Maybe I need to keep in well stocked. Perhaps this is where I went wrong? Hmm....just a thought. :)

Time for an Update

I just got back from getting lab work done and fluids at Cancer Specialist. I can really tell when I need fluids because for some reason it seems to happen right around the time I'm extra weepy. The nurse there says if I stop crying I might save on fluids. Yeah, I gotta try that. Oh, now don't go feeling bad; I know it could be so much worse. I keep telling myself that. Anyway, here's the scoop....

Despite not getting the taxitere last time, my fingers, toes and lips are still numb. I understand this may not go away for a while. I'm eating a little more now (10 days after) but still I wish I craved stuff...miss my taster. I know some people probably wish they would stop craving food so they could lose weight, but trust me, it sucks.

My double mastectomy surgery is set for August 10th. I'll probably be in the hospital for one night but maybe two, depending on how I feel. It's not going to be much fun but if I can get through chemo, by golly, I can do this. My brother Jim is flying down that week so that's good news.

Well, that's about it. I'm sure I'll be back as I freak out a little more each day about my surgery so stay tuned. :)

I've got the sweetest friends...thanks Suzanne

Yesterday I got a BIG box at my door. It's this amazing basket of ...well, things I'd never think of. There's a CD of relaxing music to get you though chemo (I'm going to figure out how to get that downloaded and synced to my Ipod) I'm sure it will be just as effective though surgery and radiation. There's a ton of organic stuff; tea and soup and chocolate coconut butter; (who knew?) Organic dried banana...the kind mother nature would eat (that's what it says); organic sour cherry nectar; panda all natural soft licorice; and ginger chews (sweet-hot soft ginger candy, natural, stimulating and delicious....yeah stimulating!) This is from my dear sweet friend Suzanne Hummel who lives in Florida but used to live in little old Angola NY and went to school with me.... a long time ago. Thank you so much Suz for thinking of me and thank you Facebook (can't believe I'm saying this) for bringing so many friends from the past back into my life. Especially now. You guys are all awesome!

Okay...now I'm talking about you...

Recently I wrote to a friend asking why I hadn't heard from her in a while. Her response came to me as a shock.

She wrote: I am sorry but because of your actions and the perspective that you put out to the world (which is your perspective) via your blog and your facebook page, I have made a personal decision to remove myself from this situation. If I don't act in the way you think I should or if I say something in which you do not agree, the situation ends up in your blog or on your facebook page.
I am totally blindsided! In the past I have written about people who I felt had wronged me....there's no denying it but NEVER this woman. I never had a reason too. She was my friend. She didn't do anything to warrant me to write about her. She has always been my biggest supporter. She was actually on the phone with me when my dad passed away. When my co-workers took up a collection for me when my dad died, there's no doubt she was one of the biggest contributors. She has always been the most thoughtful caring person I have every known.

I wrote her saying I didn't know what she was referring to but she hasn't acknowledged that email . She may never have read it. I don't know. It saddens me so much that she wants to walk away from our friendship especially since her reasoning is not sound. My only thinking is that she's using this as an excuse.
I have talked to many cancer survivors and read many blogs from people in my situation and many talk about someone who just can't handle the situation of knowing their friend is that much closer to facing their mortality. It's scary knowing a friend may not make it. I have to learn to accept the fact that everyone handles situations differently. Fight or flee? It's too bad for me she choose the latter. I will miss her.
Right now though I need to focus on my recovery and the support system I have! And that's what I need to do.

Last Chemo Update

Well, my last chemo was yesterday. On Facebook I eluded to some good news but that may not be as good as I had hoped. I had complained to Dr Toma that the Taxatere was really causing some bothersome side effects...numbness in fingers, toes, feet...even my lips so she decided I didn't need the last dosage. This saved me an hour in the chair and the hope that I'd not feel as nauseous or fatigued this weekend. Well, that hasn't happened much. True the numbness is better...at least the numbness of chemo (not so sure on loosing my job.)

Today I had to see the radiologist because after my surgery I will be needing weekly daily radiation for six weeks. This will not start until 3 or four weeks after my double mastectomy (to be determined). She assured me that the biggest side effect of this is fatigue and maybe some redness at the radiation site. I imagine this to be a walk in the park after all I've been through. Also today, I had my last Neulasta shot. This is good but I feel the bone pain already. Oh well. It's temporary.

So, now I'll be pretty much sleeping this weekend away. In between I will be trying to eat something. I'll probably be making Phil crazy because there are so many things I will try and I won't like and then he'll want to eat them so not to waste so much. But we'll get by. This too will pass and good things are around the corner.

Disappointments, Friendships and Sadness

Fighting breast cancer just got a little tougher for me. No, I don't know of any new extra treatments I'm going to need....well maybe a little more psycho therapy is in order. Corporate America has reared its little head to say my services at my job are too vital; too important to be completed by whomever has a spare minute to get them done; whomever could drop what they were doing and make what would have been my issue if I were there, their priority. Well, that's pretty much why I had a full time job to do my job because it takes a lot of time and organization to do it right, thorough and give it the attention it deserves. I understand their decision...it's a business one and in this economy, you got to do what's good for business.

I can't help but feel (big mistake here I know) that I am worth any business making an acceptation for: I'm truly THAT good an employee. I'm that committed to them, why don't they feel the same way? I know...I'm not supposed to be...you don't talk business on your deathbed. Yeah I get that. Yes, where's that social worker?

Also there are friendships you develop over the past four years that are forever changed. Sure, you may stay in contact a little: send an occasional email which will probably end up turning in an occasional thrice forwarded joke or prayer. Maybe you'll stay friends on Facebook, maybe you won't. And when you just happen to run into each other at Walmart or the occasional Adult Bookstore :), you'll do that sideways hug and pat on the back, ask how you're doing but not really get into it. It will be different then seeing someone every work day, bonding over the coffee maker, talking about the game last night or this really cool new app you found for your IPad.

I have forged some really good friendships and I felt them slipping away the day I went out on short term disability. Don't get me wrong, I know of a handful of people who are there for me if I need them as I go through this cancer...most I have no qualms about calling in on their "hey, if you need something, call me...I mean it."

But there are others whose sincerity is just not there and it's understandable...really what can you do for someone you just know? I'm guessing they are thinking, "is sending a card too lame?" And they fear it is, so they do nothing. Or they think they will do something sometime but it just gets put on the back burner while they decide....and nothing happens....their life happens. I'm sure there are some who think, "I'll give her her space so she can recover without interruption." Because we all know opening a card takes a lot of energy. Let it be known: It's not lame. Hallmark got it right, "It really does show you care!" And there are days when that is all you need!

Unless you don't care and there's more therapy for me.

Now I will do my best to muddle through the rest of my recovery. My last chemo session is today. I'm glad of that but I'm terrified of how I'm going to be feeling if history repeats itself from the last five treatments. Plus now, I'm unemployed. Stay tuned.

Dear God....

I know I've been calling on you a lot lately but I have to tell you, I don't see an end in sight. Truth be told, this last chemo session has really kicked my butt, so much that I fear the next go around. I know I have a lot of people talking to you on my behalf and I hope it's okay if I ask for myself as well. It's been over two weeks since the fifth chemo treatment and I'm still feeling the side affects. I know you know what they are: the fatigue, inability to find food that I find worthy of eating; the saltiness of the water I try so hard to force myself to drink; the numbness in my fingertips and toes to the point that I have to keep shaking them so they don't fall asleep; the constant pain in my legs, my joints and the just plain over all crappy feeling. In the past, this has lessened a lot sooner but each treatment becomes worse than the last. I totally fear the next one. The only saving grace is, it will be the last. You willing, dear Lord! I don't think I can take more of this if it is not.
Please dear God, let there me an "all clear" at the end of this.
I never knew how much I loved food; going out and about, doing my own thing; taking a shower without collapsing from the effort. I never knew how much I loved my job; how little of an inconvenience it was to be on hold with Medicare for 30 minutes, how much I loved completed forms with PFD Professional, using my scanner, communicating with my insurance rep contacts and office managers of the clinics to whom I provide a serve. How I can't wait to get back to it. I love making order out of chaos and my job could be chaos if I let it. Before I had left, I had that under control. I can't wait to do it again when I get back. Having my job to get back to is one of the things that keeps me sane.
There is so much I have that's good in my life and I thank you so much each day. Thank you for my husband...he is my best friend and has been so good to me through all this craziness. Thank you for my family and my friends. I'm so grateful for my home, my car, some money in the bank. I have been truly blessed and I know I owe it all to you.

Thank you Joan

Recently I received in the mail this wonderful pennant that was created and made by my friend Joan McDonald from Starry Night Designs (starrynightdesignboutique.com) Joan told me that she put all her positive healing energies into the making of my pennant. It is so beautiful. I believe her. Thank you so much for thinking of me.

Karma

I have seen some of my friends on Facebook write in their status the word, "Karma." I can only imagine that someone in their life (probably their boss or their ex) had just received some kind of pay back for being a dick to them. I noticed Beyonce' has a song that talks about what goes around comes around but I got to say I don't believe it. I say this because I know for sure I haven't done anything to deserve this...to deserve cancer. I can't even watch America's Funniest Videos because it hurts my sensibilities to watch people get hurt. You know 90 percent of them show someone falling or getting hit in the family jewels and I can't bear to see it.

I posted this on Facebook and one friend, Sarah, said that no one deserves cancer. I have to disagree. I wish illness was bestowed on the evil. What a concept that would be? The eviler you are, the sicker you get and death doesn't become an option for a long long time. If sickness was distributed based on evilness you wouldn't need courts or even jails. Everyone would know who was evil because they'd be sick. Depending on the crime, the evil doer may have a opportunity to redeem themselves and get better but they'd have to stop being evil. It just makes so much sense. Show some remorse and you get a second chance on life. But this depends on the crime and the intent. God would be the judge.