Disappointments, Friendships and Sadness

Fighting breast cancer just got a little tougher for me. No, I don't know of any new extra treatments I'm going to need....well maybe a little more psycho therapy is in order. Corporate America has reared its little head to say my services at my job are too vital; too important to be completed by whomever has a spare minute to get them done; whomever could drop what they were doing and make what would have been my issue if I were there, their priority. Well, that's pretty much why I had a full time job to do my job because it takes a lot of time and organization to do it right, thorough and give it the attention it deserves. I understand their decision...it's a business one and in this economy, you got to do what's good for business.

I can't help but feel (big mistake here I know) that I am worth any business making an acceptation for: I'm truly THAT good an employee. I'm that committed to them, why don't they feel the same way? I know...I'm not supposed to be...you don't talk business on your deathbed. Yeah I get that. Yes, where's that social worker?

Also there are friendships you develop over the past four years that are forever changed. Sure, you may stay in contact a little: send an occasional email which will probably end up turning in an occasional thrice forwarded joke or prayer. Maybe you'll stay friends on Facebook, maybe you won't. And when you just happen to run into each other at Walmart or the occasional Adult Bookstore :), you'll do that sideways hug and pat on the back, ask how you're doing but not really get into it. It will be different then seeing someone every work day, bonding over the coffee maker, talking about the game last night or this really cool new app you found for your IPad.

I have forged some really good friendships and I felt them slipping away the day I went out on short term disability. Don't get me wrong, I know of a handful of people who are there for me if I need them as I go through this cancer...most I have no qualms about calling in on their "hey, if you need something, call me...I mean it."

But there are others whose sincerity is just not there and it's understandable...really what can you do for someone you just know? I'm guessing they are thinking, "is sending a card too lame?" And they fear it is, so they do nothing. Or they think they will do something sometime but it just gets put on the back burner while they decide....and nothing happens....their life happens. I'm sure there are some who think, "I'll give her her space so she can recover without interruption." Because we all know opening a card takes a lot of energy. Let it be known: It's not lame. Hallmark got it right, "It really does show you care!" And there are days when that is all you need!

Unless you don't care and there's more therapy for me.

Now I will do my best to muddle through the rest of my recovery. My last chemo session is today. I'm glad of that but I'm terrified of how I'm going to be feeling if history repeats itself from the last five treatments. Plus now, I'm unemployed. Stay tuned.