Yesterday I noticed on Facebook that one of my friends had become friends with another classmate. I’ve been out of school for over 30 years but when I saw that M was friends with K, I still felt this …..Oh, I don’t know, I think we can safely call it anger and maybe a little jealousy. I don’t know who asked who to be friends but I know I won’t be asking K. If she wants to be friends maybe I will but I’m not instigating this. Now, how high school is this? Holy Crap; have I not grown up?
The thing is, K and I have some unfinished history.
K moved into my neighbor just before we went into junior high (7th grade). There were other kids in the neighborhood who were basically vying for friendships with K and her brothers and sisters. I was kind of the shy geeky kid with wild hair and crooked teeth that my folks didn’t believe needed attention. I was up against some tough competition in the “Win K’s Family Over” contest. Needless to say, I had a chance but I just didn’t measure up.
Aside of being geeky and dorky I was uncoordinated. I recall a time when K and I were hanging out in her back yard. I imagine K was doing cartwheels or maybe another girl, L was over too and they were doing backbends or whatever it is kids do on summer days. I couldn’t do any of those things. When K discovered that I couldn’t even do a forward roll she had a field day. What kid can’t do a forward roll? This was so absurd to her. I wanted to do one; I really did but I was fearful of hurting by back…I mean really fearful of it. K was determined to get me to do one. She kept pressuring me. “Even babies know how to do a forward roll,” she teased. I stooped down, put my hands on the ground. I could envision myself ducking my head down into my chest and just doing it but I couldn’t and I felt helpless but to not just confess my fear. At the time I knew of no fear that laid dormant in K. She was from Buffalo…from the actual city; not Norman Rockwellville. Her parents moved to Angola to escape all the violence of the big city. And then K would become all caring and lull me into a false sense of friendship. She broke the process down for me. And so I did what she said. I tucked my chin in and launched myself slightly with my feet and rolled; touching back of head, shoulders, back and back to a sitting position. “Yes! I did it!” I yelled out so proud of myself. And I looked a K, standing on one foot, with her hands on her hips. “It’s just a stupid forward roll,” she said as she walked away.
I don’t recall why, but by the time school started K didn’t like me at all. She made it clear we were enemies. She told me this after she shared a secret: that when you go into a new school, there’s initiation and since we were going into Junior High we could be assaulted by students from the high school. In Buffalo, there had been reports of kids spraying Nail in classmate’s hair. It just might happen in our school too. The first day of school I was a nervous wreck. The idea of going into Junior High, to a new big school didn’t faze me. The thought of K and her sister D who was going into 8th grade did. In gym class I remember visibly shaking.
God, I remember wanting this girl to like me. I rarely witnessed myself get jealous over boys. I never set my sights on one because I always felt they were all out of my league. K constantly reminded me of this. She was always on some mission to “fix” me. Even her sister D, joined in. One day I found a homemade halter top in my mailbox. Apparently I wasn’t showing off enough skin for their standards. K was always demeaning my choice of clothing. It was never good enough. And for some reason I wanted to be this girl’s friend. It became a challenge. I remember walking up to the Variety Store in town and seeing a greeting card there that really tickled me. It was an Easter card. There was a cartoon bunny on the front and it read, “I hate to break it to you, but there is no Easter bunny.” In the inside it said, “Santa Claus ate him for Thanksgiving.” I thought it was so clever. I didn’t have much money as a kid but I bought it and then I wondered who I should give it to. Of course, I decided on K. I filled the card out at the store and, with pride, brought it to K’s house. Why I expected anything more, I have no idea. It was like the forward roll all over again…just a stupid card. I constantly set myself up. They say that’s a sign of insanity…doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Aw man, if I could turn back time.
Well, having said all this, I know that if K requested me to be her friend, I would cave; I would confirm her. My mom always told me I’m too forgiving and people walk on forgiving people but I know I can’t help that. That’s just the way I am. I am sure the reason is simply that just about everyone has messed with me in one way or the other and if I didn’t forgive, I simply wouldn’t have any friends. It’s so absurd that the ones who hurt me or rejected me at one time are the ones I want so much to be friends with. There are dozens of people in my life who haven’t done me wrong and yet, they for some reason don’t matter as much. How crazy is that? Maybe I am insane.
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