A letter to Jess

Dear Jess….
My name is Eva (evawebdiva). I was the anonymous commenter on your blog. I don’t know why I chose to be anonymous that day since I’ve answered as me on your blog before. I guess I thought I was sticking my nose into your infertility business.

I found your blog doing a search on Edmond, OK. I live here too. Technically I could be your mom though…that’s the difference in our ages. Unfortunately, I am no one’s mom…. except for our dog – but as you know that’s not quite the same.

I didn’t read the entire Redbook article. I’m sure it talked about a lot of the stuff you already know but you never really know…there could be something of merit that changes your life. And I could have been the one who directed it to you! Stranger things have happened.

My situation is different but the bottom line is, no kids. At forty-eight, that ship has sailed. Unfortunately.

In my early thirties I was pregnant for a couple months but that was all.
The doctors said it was for the best because I was at a high risk. They say a normal healthy woman’s mortality rate is 1 in 10,000; mine was 1 in 20. Now I know, there are woman out there, and this may very well include you, who would take the chance. After a lot of hymning and hawing and asking God for guidance, I decided, I loved my life too much to do so. After a couple more years with birth control, and then problem of heavy-duty fibroids, I went the hysteromy way.

I have a lot of guilt because I didn't trust in God enough. And this might make you mad but in a way, I envy you for having this - this determination of whether or not you become a mother not be YOUR decision. It's really hard when it's YOUR decision (albeit based on medical information) because it was all riding on what I wanted to do. My husband made it my decision. The doctors made it my decision. At the time, I just let time go by and tried to ignore it and then it was what it was...my decision to not put myself in harms way. Alive but childless.

Years have gone by and I have misgivings. I'm never at peace with my decision.

So that is how we are the same and how we are different. Thanks for letting me share. Under the "not so interesting but true" category, if you google images "evawebdiva" it pulls YOU up. Oh, and I think it's great that your friends got your back. Aside from the lite lynching....they all seem like very nice people :). Good luck to you. If you have questions, please ask..or thoughts. :)