Who do I think I am? Oprah?

I have spent some time writing about people who have touched me or influenced me in some way but I noticed not nearly as much as those who have wronged me. Why is that? I suppose I expect people to be nice, thoughtful and caring creatures so when they are, it's not a big deal. I really need to change my thinking on this. You know, reinforce the positive and ignore the negative.

Oprah often asks, "if there's one thing I know for sure it's ______?" I would say, I don't have a mean bone in my body. Not a one. My mother always said, and I've blogged about this before that I'm too forgiving. Where the Bible says to turn the other cheek, I've already prepares for the slap.
I know that if I've been wronged, I usually cry or let it go until later after it festers in my brain a while and then I react by writing about it. I try to keep some kind of anonymity but that doesn't always happen. I guess in my mind this is my way of confronting the situation. Nothing I write is mean or nasty; it is the facts as I see them.

Recently I have been told that I have posted something that had hurt someone's feelings. To them I apologize but in my defense, I have to say, whatever it was, it was the truth.
Yes, I live in this dream world where people will read what I write and wonder if the text applies to them and they will change their ways. Sure, why not? Life is full of lessons, why not learn from me? Yeah, who do I think I am, Oprah?

But even Oprah would say being rude (usually the reason I felt wronged) is wrong and not "Being the best YOU." On the positive side, I don't write about people I don't care about...even if they have wronged me.

You know what I really miss?

Here goes....cancer is going to liberate me. It's going to set me free to say what I feel. We all know the cliche' about the longitude of life, so let'er rip.

More than almost anything, I miss being a part of something BIG. Something really big, where everyone had a hand in it; everyone had their mission, their duty and it was going to all come together in one big grand finale and everyone would cheer and do high fives and say, "Great Job!" God it's been so long since I've been a part of that.

I think the last time was probably 1996 when I worked at Jaeckle Fleischmann & Mugel. It's a large law firm in downtown Buffalo. I was the librarian. The library was fairly big; took up space on two floors. This was the year they decided to remodel and re-carpet. There was an empty floor in the building and I was given the space to create a make-shift library during the construction. I put in 70 hours those weeks and I loved it! I had to recreate the libraries so the attorneys could find what they needed quickly using movable book shelves. It was a huge endeavour and I nailed it. My team really came together. It was the best feeling. This is what I miss! I'm trying to think of another time I felt that kind of success.

10 Day Lab work Update!

Yesterday I went to CS for lab work. My numbers look good! They did give me some fluids because I was down a quart or two. (Dehydration) All the side effects are just the way it goes. My best description is this..I'm Superman and everywhere around me resides low to mid-levels of kryptonite. Seriously. It's like when you visit someone in the hospital....all your energies just get depleted when you walk those sterile halls and smell those antiseptic odors of illness. (Yeah, in case you were wondering, I'm taking an on-line creative writing class...LOL)

Remembering Mary Mollie

Five years ago yesterday I lost my mama. When I think of what she endured during the final years of her life I am ashamed of my weakness and admission of that weakness. I know with all my heart that she would not hold my pity parties against me. I know she would not judge me but at the same time, none of what chemo has done to me could come close to the pain she endured.

In 1987, just after Philip and I got married, mom fell outside a restaurant fracturing both legs; one in two places. She spent months is traction but this was only the start of her osteopathic nightmare. Rehabing, fracturing, rehabing, fracturing, was the cycle until her death in 2006. On top of this, she grew to become legally blind. My mama broke just about every bone in her body, some even twice. They say it is the hip that most elderly never recover from: I'm here to say that's true. But my mom never gave up! Never allowed herself a pity party. If I said, "my poor mama," she'd correct me that there were others worse off than she.

I have no right to complain about being nauseated, tired, unable to find something appetizing or bald. I know this can get so much worse. I felt pain in my shin today and thought a stress fracture would really suck right now. And given my gene pool, it's not that far out of the whelm of possibility.
I miss my mama so much. I know if she were alive, she'd be here taking care of me, encouraging me to eat. We'd take naps together but before falling off to sleep, she tell me stories of my youth and we'd laugh and laugh.

I know my mama is up in heaven rooting me on, encouraging me to take one day at a time. "it's all gonna work out!" was her favorite expression and I believe her.

Okay, I'm interrupting my moment of self loathing for some gratitude

My 10 year old tantrum is over for the most part. I've found some food that I didn't love but at least I liked it. I got a few things done.
I have to write about Phil's cousins. Phil has an aunt, Aunt Evie, Mama Mahoney's sister. She had a bunch of kids....like the Waltons only they are The Bergers. They all live back in Western NY. Well, all of them sent me a card or two, shared with me stories of their scrap with cancer and faith and our need to stand together. So on Thursday, I wrote them all a letter, thanking them for their cards, prayers and also giving them a status. I sent out 9 letters on Friday to the Berger girls. On Saturday, I got this beautiful boutique of flowers! I hope they see this blog entry to know how much I loved the flowers too.

Phil has some friends at Hertz too. They have been supportive too. I need to thank Linda DeSpiau, Richard Stockwell and Tim Molnar for their wonderful card. I understand that, although her name wasn't on the card, Stephanie Dolison had contributed to my gift card. That is, they gave me a $100 gift card at Walmart. Not only does this mean I have $100 to spend at Walmart, it means I have something to focus on; gawd...what should I buy? It's endless. It gives me something to dream about. Who knew $100 at Wally World could do that? There are books. There's a DVR player. Aw....as soon as I'm up to it: it's Walmart bound I go. Thank you so much Linda, Richard, Tim and Stephanie!

This is a full fledge Pity Party...

I know what you're going to say, my cancer is under control and all I need to do is endure the next couple months of chemo and its side effects. Don't tell me this....I know! I'm one of the lucky ones because this is going to be cured and eventually become just a faded nightmare but in the meantime...right now, right this second I'm going to belly ache like a ten year old!!!!
Oh crap, I feel like shit! There....sorry, told you I wasn't going to hold back much. Whatever this new shot is doing it's making me twice as sick....pull your hair back, I'm puking in the commode sick....Oh wait....there is no hair to pull back! I take off my glasses and look in the mirror and I see my father! I have my father's forehead and his eyes and I can even duplicate his jesters to a tee: the way we rolled his eyes or shifted indecision under his eye socket by the corners of his mouth. Normally I wouldn't be upset by this, but the man is dead and since I'm not, well that revelation bothers me.

I can't figure out what to eat. My brain wants to set on something, anything that would sound good, feel good but everything seems gross. I liked scrambled eggs but I put a tad too much pepper on them and now anything with pepper grosses me out. I think I want baked potatoes with butter but I can't be sure. I try bites of food and awwwww...it's just disgusting. Food is not my friend. But I know I got to eat.

I'm glad to be off work but hate that my job is apparently running smoothly without me at the helm. I hear of no issues, no concerns. Apparently being "disabled" means you're dead.

I think I'm done. Maybe.

New Update-Good News

Good News: Dr Toma (pictured with me) is very happy with how well the tumor is shrinking! She's ecstatic actually. I'm more cautiously optimistic. I do feel that it is smaller but I'm more scientific in that I want some kind of diagnostic proof. But if Dr Toma is happy; I'm happy.

I had my third chemo yesterday. It wasn't too bad. It seems like the anti nausea drug causes me the most issues. It makes me dizzy and then I feel sick. Then they do the Red Devil chemo which is the one where I have to chew on ice and the ice tastes so salty and that makes me feel even sicker. Fortunately the Red Devil only takes 15 minutes to administer and shortly after that I feel fine. I have two other chemotherapy drugs run through my port after that; Taxotere and Cytoxan. It takes another hour and forty-five minutes.

I was getting the Neupogen shots for seven days after each Chemo but now they have switched me to a different shot called Neulasta. I only need to get this shot once, the day after Chemo and that's it. So this is good news. No more dragging my sorry butt over to CSoOK every day for a week.

So far, I am feeling pretty good. I'm a little tired and nauseated. I just got the shot so I'm sure that will kick in tomorrow more than today. We'll see. Finding foods I like to eat or drink is difficult. Foods that were once so tasty are not. They're bland or salty. I'm down five pounds in the past three weeks. (Although my jeans don't feel that much looser.....what's up with that?)

I am very blessed because there is a ton of hope. I'm going to beat this. It's not going to be no cake walk (what does that really mean?) but it will happen! Stay tuned.

Cancer Break

Bin Laden's Facebook Status:

Just a Commentary: Why me?

There can not be a cancer victim who hasn't asked this question. Well, unless every woman in the past three generations and your siblings have developed breast cancer, and you really expected it, there can't be a breast cancer victim asking what have I done?

Now that I'm off work, it gives me plenty more time to think about this kind of thing. I know there are some who say that I have too many things going on in my head as it is, but this pretty much has taken over. It's hard to not get religious; to wonder if I did something to upset the good guy upstairs. I don't know, maybe calling him the "good guy upstairs" is wrong and deserving of some kind of ailment.

I mean, I was and I generally consider myself a good person. As I kid, I think back to my transgressions and all I can come up with is in kindergarten I stoled Laurie Goodway's little pocket book out of her coat pocket. I remember her crying to the teacher that it was missing and all of us kids having to help look for it. Maybe I got off a little too much on the power; knowing I had done this, caused all the scurry and created Laurie's tears. I had no particular animosity towards her, I just liked the little fish shaped change purse. I never confessed though. I brought the fish purse home and hid it in the bushes by my house. I do not recall that feeling of power being stronger than my feeling of guilt.

I remember stealing grapes from the A&P. I thought I was being very covert and I munched away on grapes while my parents did their grocery stopping. Surely this could not lend itself to a sentence of breast cancer down the road.

I was an okay student.....very shy...very shy. I got bullied a lot in school but it wasn't taken so seriously as it is now. It was a rite of passage mostly....my best defense was to cry. Surely I should have gotten points there...some kind of "get out of a malignancy" card just for enduring the dark times of adolescences. Back then it was just kids being kids and it was your problem if you were the weaker one.

I did get in trouble with the law once when I was 15. So did my father. It's a long story I'll make short but we both got arrested for petty larceny and trespassing. I got a warning as did my dad and a bill for $500 for an attorney. Surely not bad enough for cancer to strike 35 years later.

I think back to before I got married and I don't know of anything I did that could warrant this. When I was 19 years old, I did date a married man which I know is wrong but I still believe it was wrong on his side. I was just a kid and he liked me so overlooking a wife I never had to see didn't seem to be a problem. Like I said, I was just a kid.

So we're up to present day. I've been happily married for almost 24 years. Phil and I haven't cheated on our income taxes, or defrauded anyone; we obey all the rules. We were offended when the City of Edmond gave us a warning because our grass was too long: That's how seriously we take the rules. We've lived a benign life so why the cancer? Just thinking out loud.

Funny Thing about Chemo

The upside to Chemo....all you need to style your hair is a lint roller!!!!Bahahahahhaaa!!!!

(aw....God, that felt good)

Finally I can post..

I have been so doggone tired to even sit at my desk to write an update. This past week has been a rough one. I managed to get to work on Monday and put in almost 7 hours before I had to leave for my shot at Cancer Specialist of OK. It was a struggle.

Tuesday was even worse but I hit 6 hours at work which was my goal, I was so blasted tired. After I got home on both days I took a relaxing pill and slept for several hours only to get up to do a few things and go right back to bed. It's insane how this just wipes you out.

On Wednesday, I met with Liz and Andrea at work and told them I just can't do this. They both agreed that I looked liked I had gotten run over by a bus...okay, they didn't actually say that but it was written all over their compassionate faces. So I'm on medical leave until probably after my surgery which is supposed to happen in August (barring any problems)

On Thursday I slept all day and forced myself to take a bath and get to CCoO for my shot. Once I did, I was back to bed. On Friday, I was so dang tired but I managed to get to CSoO but I had a fever of 101, not huge but this is a big deal for someone on chemo. I had to do blood cultures again via my port that at first didn't want to cooperate but finally it did. Then they had take more blood from my arm and Dr Toma's nurse, Vickie (bless her heart) called me in another round of $42 antibiotics. I don't think I was taking this as serious until Miss Vickie said, "what we're trying to do is keep you out of the hospital." I got even weaker just hearing that. There really was no way I was going to be able to drive home...not unless I had absolutely had no choice. So I called my best friend in the whole world Jo Jo to come get me and take me home. She didn't even bat an eye. Okay, I couldn't see if she batted a lid or not (our phones aren't that techno....heck, she doesn't even text) but she was at CsoO in 10 minutes. She insisted on driving her car even though I warned her that the possibility of unplanned vomiting was always there. She gave me a Walmart Shopping bag to have at the ready. She brought me home, then brought Phil over to get my car. Thanks Jo Jo, you're the bestess

I'm going to post more about being off work and what chemo does to your appetite later. Right now, I'm going to lay down again.