Here We Go Again

Just like last time after Chemo I feel awful. This past weekend I really thought death would be an upgrade. Seriously. I totally understood why some cancer patients decide to refuse treatment and let nature take it course. Of course those people are in a situation where they're not going to get better; they're just asking for more time. I am thrilled beyond words to know this is just temporary but in the meantime....it really sucks. Fortunately, most of the achiness is gone....most of it. I still have nausea but nothing like it was earlier this week.

But now, just like last time, I'm constantly starving and I'm running out of options of things I can eat. One can only eat so much cantaloupe and canned peaches. I have another watermelon I'm going to cut open tonight but I'm so hoping it's sweet enough. The last one, Phil bought at the Farmer's Market. A real farmer told him it was a good one but he was wrong. I had researched watermelon on the net and every site says that the watermelon needs to have a yellowish spot on it where it touched the ground. Absent of that spot means it's not ripe. Now you'd think the farmer at the Farmer's Market would know this, no? Phil paid $6 for that watermelon and it was not sweet. Phil of course is not big on contradicting a so called expert on their produce so he took his word for it. I found one site that says that watermelon doesn't ripen off the vine which makes me think it's really a vegetable. I mean isn't that the difference between a fruit and vegetable? Isn't that the whole argument about tomatoes because they ripen after they are picked? Vegetables don't ripen once they are picked. You don't need to be a farmer to know that.

Anyway, all my Facebook friends have been worried about me since I posted on Monday that I felt like death warmth over. I really did. Sleep was my only salvation. Now eating is if I could just find what I'm looking for. Going to try Egg Fo Young tonight. Let's hope I love it.

I feel like crap

Sorry to share this but I'm sick and exhausted and hungry but that's life on chemo. While I'm at it, I hate reality TV shows, when people say they have been to hell and back but they never had chemotherapy, people who swear on a regular bases...swearing should be reserved for special occasions. That's all I can think of right now..

Chemo treatment #5 done!

Today was pretty good. No problems with my port, no long waiting time. My numbers all look good. My white cell count was at 11 so that's even better than good. Dr Toma says the tumor is getting smaller. I just have to put up with the side effects a little longer. Right now I feel pretty good.

I'm still grossed about about eating ice when I get the red devil treatment. I tried eating an orange Sonic slush instead but it still grossed me out. I can't believe how even thinking about eating ice can make me nauseous. Sharon, the nurse at Cancer Specialist of OK, says that is pretty typical.

So ....one more treatment and I'm done with chemo. Then on to the next chapter of this long-really-don't-feel-like-reading-this book. But it's okay for right now. I'll update again in the next couple days. I'm sure I'll have something more to "inform" you about. :)

Misconceptions about cancer

Here is a great link to some interesting information regarding misconceptions about cancer. http://listverse.com/2009/06/05/top-10-misconceptions-about-cancer/

I would also like to add one more. If a woman is pregnant she need NOT be concerned about being near a person who is going through chemotherapy treatment. I asked Dr Toma about this today and she said there is no risk what so ever. Dr Toma's nurse is actually pregnant right now. It would be advised that she not be mixing the drugs for infusion but being around a person under going treatment poses no risk to an unborn baby.

Thoughts for a Sunday Afternoon

Just thinking out loud here.

Upon first glance what makes a woman a woman or a man a man? I mean, remember the Pat skits from Saturday Night Live where the main character was devoid of any indicators of what sex he/she was? Back in the 50s you could tell the difference easily...woman wore dresses, had long hair and were not very muscular. But now...woman don't always where dresses, men often have long hair and woman often have short, both woman and men can be muscular. So really the only indicator is that a woman has breasts and in this society, generally speaking, she often shows them off. Yes, men have breasts but barring man-boobs they're not as pronounced.

I envision scenarios in my head where I have no breasts and quite frankly in these scenarios I don't care. I'm happy to wear just a t-shirt like I did when I was 9. What freedom that will be to NOT wear a bra! I can imagine going to work without the curves expected of a woman. Oh people will talk, that's normal but really I won't care because I'll be a live!

I envision being called into HR; being told my lack of breasts has caused a distraction. Can you imagine? But the upside....you won't even know when I'm cold! Bahahahaha. (Gosh I'm too funny)

I feel such relief....

I've been fretting over the idea of reconstructive surgery. It's kind of consumed me the last few days. I know....you're thinking, why would I worry about that when I'm still getting treatment and I still have to have my mastectomy? Well, it's because I'm so friggin' consumed by money. Seriously it's this huge driving force with me. I buy all my clothes at the thrift store for crying out loud! I kept thinking I need to do the reconstruction this year because I've already met my out-of-pocket deductible (or whatever it's called) and everything I do medically is covered at 100%. This means this huge expensive surgery wouldn't cost me anything....if I did it this year. That's the fiscal me talking.

The emotional me was saying, "Holy crap, I don't want any more surgery! What the hell am I thinking?" So, I've been torturing myself the last few days with this. I'm serious.

Well, I'm happy to report, I have let my tight wad ass off the hook! I found out who the surgeon will be and I called him. And guess what? I can't have the surgery anyway until at least 6 months after radiation even if I wanted to. I am so friggin' happy to hear this! The emotional me is happy and the fiscal me...well...I just has to live with it. And I'm okay with that!

No Bra Eating Necessary!

Aw...I got the nicest, most caring friends! I swear I am so blessed. I guess threatening to eat your bra is a call for action for my dear friend Maggie in Western NY. Here's the Edible Arrangement she send me yesterday. Aw man....such great fruit. I tell you, I have lots of it too. There's watermelon, cantaloupe, pineapple, chocolate covered bananas, grapes....it's a fruit orgy. Thank you so much Maggie. Yes, it does help. I can eat this!!!!!

I also got an Easy Button from Arlene from Sweetwater, TX. It's so funny. After I eat something I'm not so crazy about I hit it and it says, "Now that was easy." I'm talking myself into it. I ask Phil do do something and he gets all aspirated because he wants to do something else but he does it and then I hit the button. He loves that. hehe. Thank you so much Arlene for thinking of me! (Phil thanks you too!)

Informing - Bra Eating

Not that I'm complaining....okay, I am but I'm sick of complaining because nobody likes to listen (or read) about the woes of someone who is constantly complaining over and over again about something the listener (reader) can't control. So let's not call it complaining; let's call it "informing."

For those who are healthy, okay everyone has some kind of medical issue, but for those who don't have cancer or those who are not going through chemotherapy here is my first hand description of what chemo does to your eating habits.

When you're not going through chemo you have food cravings. You're at work, it's getting close to lunch time and your brain says, "hmm...what do I feel like eating....hamburger, taco, salad.....aw...salad sounds good, think I'll go over to Applebees and get a nice salad...sounds great..can't wait." Well, when you're on Chemo, you have NO cravings, none! But you're starving. You have no idea what to eat. So you go to your refrigerator and pull out stuff but nothing appeals to you so you have to try something. And you find out you don't like much of anything. You have a few bites of different things but nothing tastes good. The few bites you eat though fill you up and you go back to doing what you're doing. Fifteen minutes later, you're starving again. You already know what you didn't care for so what do you do? You try to make something but you end up wasting food because by the time you're done whipping it up, you find out it's not so good...you eat some anyway because you got to eat something. Food runs your life! Who knew?

When I first found out I had cancer I lost my appetite...didn't get hungry. I think that was better.

I saw on Good Morning America a segment where people have crazy obsessions. One lady had to sleep with her blow dryer (turned on), another eats paper and another eats her bra. Apparently she has to tear her bra open and eat the padding. Sounds pretty bizzard but well, I won't be needing mine in a couple months and it would solve the hunger problem. (Oh, come on, I'm kidding...I know that sounds morbidly sad but it does appear practical, no?) Bahahaahaha.

Remember...just informing.

6 Days after Chemo

Well, I'm getting better. Still feel like Superman bathing in kryptonite; still having a hard time finding foods I like; still aching like a son of a gun but it's getting better! Thanks to all my supporters!

Funny thing about healthcare, Facilities and doctors offices are pretty quick at asking for payment, which is normal, it's a business, I get that but when you over pay...getting your money back...they're not so quick with the reimbursement. I'm talking over a grand is owed to me...well, to Visa and I know my insurance carrier sent them their checks back in May..why it takes them so long to post it to my account? Well, that's a mystery. I've been on the phone with them again with a friendly reminder!

In other news: I just finished reading The Help. It was a great book. I find it fascinating how times have changed. I had no idea as a little girl that discrimination existed. I was just totally oblivious to it. This book is set in Jackson Mississippi where the lines between black and white are well, black and white. The Help is coming out in a movie this summer. Should be interesting.

Sorry but this sucks....

Chemo isn't so bad during the process or even the next day but the next few days after that....aw man...I've been hit by a bus. My energy level is in the toilet. Speaking of which, on the positive side, I haven't been too ill; not like last time. But my desire to eat is limited to foods that are cold and wet....melon, watermelon however finding some that is sweet is a struggle. Foods and drinks are all fuzzy. I mean it. It's like everything has a fuzzy feel to it. Like eating peaches. Aw, it's so crazy. And my joints....well, it this is how arthritis feels; I'm in trouble. Yeah, I know it can be worse and I know I'm almost done....only two more treatments. Praise the Lord!

I GOT STD!

Get your mind out of the gutter....
That's Short Term Disability!
Bahahahaaa.....I really needed that one!

An addition to the I've been Blessed Department

I failed to mention in yesterday's post about a gift I got in the mail last week. Nancy from ALLUNY crochet or knitted me three head huggers to cover my bald head. There's the website where you can see them: http://www.headhuggers.org/patterns/patterns.htm. She made me the Amelia Earhart Aviator Cap in red; the Knit 'Shortie' (I think) in Burgundy and my favorite one is the The 'No-Hair-Day' Hairy Chemo Cap purple. (This woman actually looks like me...well, if you'd thicken her eyebrows a bit in some spots, push her eyes in a little deeper, make her eyelids a little heavier and gave her ears...we'd be twins. :))

Now, I know in the spirit of openness and honesty and bearing my sole...well I have limits. There are some ladies who look good without hair...I mean really good. I'm not being critical when I say, I'm not one of them. That's just honesty. So I'll stick to my wig for the outside world but thank you Nancy for your crafty handiwork. That was so sweet of you! And I have been wearing them around the house. Becca has to take a second look. Bahaha!

Another update

Good News: Dr Toma, The Boob Whisperer, says the tumor is definitely shrinking and she believes that by the time surgery rolls around, it will be just fibrous material. Also my White Blood Count is good...10.3..that's the high side of normal.

Chemo went well. There were issues with my port again...it wouldn't draw at first so I had to get lab done via my arm. When I went back for Chemo, the nurses finally got it working. Dr Toma switched out my anti-nausea medicine because it was making me, well dizzy and nauseous; also we did the Red Devil last. For some reason my Restless Leg Syndrome kicked in and it was hard to stay still so they gave me some kind of drug that relaxes you. It did a good job: took a nice nap too.

Other News: It looks like my surgery will be in the first or second week of August. I won't look like a chicken afterward. Yeah, I actually asked her that. I said, when I eat a chicken breast all that is left is the bone. She said it will be just flat. I seriously doubt I'll do reconstruction this year. Most breast surgeons don't work on radiated tissue. This is because non-radiated tissue can be stretched using expanders that are ballooned up over a period of time and then replaced by implants. Radiated tissue will fall apart if this is tried so pieces of stomach fat (which I have some to spare) have to be used and basically transplanted to the breast area. It's something to really think about. Maybe in December. I'll need to see what the down time is.

In the "I've been Blessed Department": I've gotten some great cards and emails from co-workers and relatives. The IT guys at HPI, especially Nathan and Mike have been super supportive. Thank you guys so much! I'm working on a special masterpiece for them which once they see it, I will share on this blog. Also Phil's cousin, Lois Hayes, back in Western NY, sent me a wonderful card filled with a ton of support and love. She even asked me to hug Becca. (Becca writes an annual holiday newsletter and Lois really gets a kick out of it.) She also made my Nook app on my IPad happy with a gift card from Barnes and Noble. Thank you so much Lois!

So right now, I'm on top of the world. Tomorrow I get my shot and then Saturday and Sunday, well, let's hope for the best!