Mary Mollie- My momma

  

Letting Go

My momma is gone. She died on Friday morning, May 19th at 1:05am. I have so much to say and so much I want to avoid getting into. It has been a rollercoaster ride the psst few days...emotionally, mentally and even physically.

I got to the ICU at the hospital at 1am on the 18th. Jim was saying how bad she looked. I guess I was expecting worse that what she was. She did not look good, this is true. By now, they had removed her teeth. She talked to me in little snibetts of info. She knew I was there. Mostly she sleep so Jim and I left to go to his house to sleep. In the morning, we all met up at her station in the ICU. We told her that we wanted her to be out of pain; they it could be done; that we could take her off the medicine that was keeping her blood pressure up and all other medicines that were bascially substaining her and then we could give her something for the pain that would make her more comfortable. She replied a few minutes later, "so I'm going to just go?" I believe it was a question and not a statement. We told her yes. We asked, do you want to be out of pain. Her reply was, "yes" but I'm not totally convinced she wanted to "just go." I think she was still mulling it over in her drug induced mind. The hospital people wasted no time in getting mom disconnected from everything..all the monitors and such. It was almost like they had someone waiting to use the bed. Mom said, "I want to say something." We waited as she conjured up the words. "Thank you for being my family." All of us lost it at this point.

More later.

The System of Pain

There is a serious flaw in the system of pain; in particular, how it is dispersed. There are two ways it can be done. First, it should be distributed based on the goodness of the person. The better a person you are, the less pain you recieve. Now, I know, not having pain is a bad thing...pain does have it's advantages because it tells you when to stop bending your finger back or pulling on your eye lid. It also tells you when to seek medical attention. Pain should be limited, however, when the receptant is a 71 year old woman who has never hurt a flea. Sadam Husain would be a good example of someone who is in chronic, never ending pain. Murders, rapists, pediphils too. If this were the way it was, we wouldn't need a court system to bring them to justice, justice would be served on its own. Also, the news headlines would be a vehicle for which we can get our info on who has been bad. This would in turn deter potentially bad people from being bad.

Another way pain could be distributed would be based on how insurance is structure. For example, once you had reached your deductible of pain, you will only have to endure 20% of it. This way, you are not constantly in pain and you can say, "I have had enough" and it would be true.

I believe in God but I have to say (and please God, it's not really a criticm..more like an observation) some of the things he has come up with are flawed and you wouldn't expect that from him. Afterall he's God.

Mom, work, my back

So much is going on lately. I haven't blogged because not all is good. Mom is in rehab. I wish it was a drug addiction. It's for her legs...well she was hoping to learn to walk again. You know it is true, you do need to "use it or lose it." The PT people there were really pushing her even though it hurt. She was pushing herself too. Then they decided to x-ray her. And they find her hip is broken! They did surgery on that on Monday but before she went under the doctor tells her that she most likely has bone cancer. He gives her 2 months to 2 years. "This is a big blow," she tells me before the surgery, "but I have to do the surgery because I want to walk." She is deternmined. The surgeon wasn't quit so "doom and gloom" but we are still waiting on the biopsy. She's tough, I know. She says she wants to fight.

After the surgery she was in a lot of pain. They put a plate in her hip and some bolts and screws. Mom is full of metal now. No MRI's for her. She's back in rehab now. She says her pelvis hurts more than her hip. My fear of losing her is not as strong as my desire for her to be out of pain or at least let it be minimal.

My brother and family have been planning a trip here since last April. Mom tells them to go. This is normally a good thing. I want them here but I also want to go home. I have booked a flight after they leave. I need to see her!

Work is very busy but I am not minding it. I really am not. I'm going in tomorrow. There is so much I can get done, especially on a Sunday. I have a lot I want to get done before may family arrives and before I leave for NY.

My back/hip problems are muscular not osteo...like my mom's. Well, my bones are thinning but that is under control. (Of course, if I could give up the coke I'd be better off.) I had an MRI. I will be going back to PT and also massage therapy. That is good.

That's all.

When do you write someone off?

I have a friend, well, I thought we were friends, who hasn't returned my call. I've left her three voice messages. Is this enough? Can I say, I've tried and now it's time to move on. Well, in all fairness, we were not real close to begin with. We had lunch together every six weeks or so. Then she lost her job. I left messages to show her I supported her but she hasn't returned any..not even a voice message. It's been over 2 months. If I leave her another, would it be borderline stalking?

This is where I think it would be handy to have a "friendship application." I know the journey to finding friendship is suppose to be part of the experience but sometimes you have to wonder if the effort is worth it. What if you put a lot of time and energy into a potential friendship only to find out they're "not that interested." It might be best to know up front what kind of relationship are they looking for. Do they have enough friends already? Is the close friend position already taken? Do we just send each other Christmas cards and acknowledge each other in line at Walmart? Do we get together for beer and wings during Monday night football? What? I did develope an application for my humor writing classl. You can view it here.

I hope my friend calls me. I really do. It would be a shame for me to give up only to discover that's not what she wants. In the meantime...her number is still programmed in my cell. Just in case.

Lent and other things

My husband and I were trying to think of what we should give up for lent. He is Catholic so he takes this a little more seriously than I do. He will give up meat on Fridays until Easter.

The other day, after giving Scruffy Girl her evening food, Phil got upset because she didn't eat it. He was really taking it personally, like he had been slaving over a hot stove for hours in order to prepare it. That is when I said, "Okay, this is what you are going to give up! No more stressing over things you have no control over. No more bellyaching for stuff that you can not control." To my surprise he agreed.

I wast thinking, yeah, I really need to do this too. There are so many times that I get upset over things at work...how they are handled. I have littled control. I am making a conscious effort to stop. Another thing...I'm going to stop apologizing for asking people to do their jobs. I'm not going to say I'm sorry to my doctors office when I request a refill on my prescription. I'm not going to apologize to my boss for interupting her. It's a question pretaining to the business. It's not like i'm personally benefiting from knowing how to enter a provider into the system. It's my doctors job to supply me with the drugs I need; it's my bosses job to guide me so I can do a good job for our clients. I shouldn't be sorry.

And that's that.

Oh what a relief...

Okay. I made a decision. Right or wrong, I decided to drop my comedy writing class. I know, I know...I'm running away but you would believe the stress it was causing me. I mean. I feel bad for giving up but oh so good that I don't have to study, read or write something I find so hard to do. It's like this huge weight is off my shoulders.

Okay, I know, you might wonder how stressful it can be but it was. If it were happy humor...Erma Bombeck, Dave Barry or Art Buchwald comedy, I would love it. It was this dark Joe Orton, Catch 22 humor. I hated it.

So I feel better and that's all there is to it.

I need to post

I have no clue as to what I should say. Really. What I feel is not public blog material.

Desperate Housewives was good tonight. I really like that show. Oh and I watched Curb Your Enthusiasm. I had gotten that show confused with the Arresting Development. I don't care much for AD. I hate the bouncy camera. Phil and I had ordered "Friday Night Lights" from Netflicks. I couldn't stand the movie because of hte bouncy camera. It's aggravating.

The Olympics have been interesting. I am waiting for the lady figure skating. I want to see Emily Hughs. Her sister was so cute. I bet she is too.

That's it. Good night.

I have 10 minutes to say...

Oh man. The pressure's on. I have 10 minutes left to my lunch. I need to say something...anything..even if it's wrong.

Okay...I'm doing alright in this life I've created in Oklahoma. Sure, I could be richer, doing something more creative for a living and be a better housekeeper. But all in all...life is good. I know what I'm doing on my job and there is a lot to be done. I love making order out of chaos and this job gives me plenty of opportunities to do so. I love my house, despite the fact I can't keep it clean. I love my husband despite the fact he can make me nuts. I love my car. I love going to school and learning. I love my dog and my friends (although I could use more.)

Yeah...life is good.

How naive am I?

I dropped the class I talked about in my last post. I am now taking "Humor and Satire" writing. It's fun but I have discovered my sense of humor is way different that my classmates. Also, I am really naive.

One girl wrote a story about Ronald McDonald. Apparently, in the story someone throws a "right hook into the old babymaker." Someone said that was a good funny line. I was lost. I had to ask...what's the babymaker? I didn't get it. You probably know....it's the genitals. That never crossed my mind. Not once.

Yesterday, one kid wrote a song....not overly flattering towards Jesus. Okay...down right mean towards Jesus. He made reference to Jesus being gay. News flash! I never ever equated Jesus w/ homosexuality. These kids know about this contraversy. Where have I been?

The kids in class write things that don't seem funny to me. Even the instructor (who is no doubt a bit older than me) understands it. I thought it was a generation thing...but I'm not so sure. Maybe he's just used to it. I can't help but think something is wrong with me. Oh well.

First Class

I had my first class today in Women in Media. The first class is usually the "get to know" you class, where the instructor asks each of the students to say a little bit about themselves.

I always have such palpatations about doing this. You really want to make a good impression because it's so hard to change it later. As students are talking my brain is reeling, as I write down notes of what to say. In my head, I think what I am going to say is pretty humorous, but for some reason this is not how it comes out. I don't know why. I'm not good at winging it.

Of course, my desire to be liked is so counter productive. I think people sense this need. I might come across as needy.

The class is supported by a compilation book the instructor put together It is a heat bound volume of reprints of magazine articles. Due to copyright issues, she can not just copy and distribute them. I get that. But...the bookstore charges almost $80 for it. This is a book that has absolutely no resale value.

As I left, I asked four girls if they were going to buy it and if I could photocopy it, I'd pay them $30. No one would look at me. They discussed doing this for each other and one girl said she would make me a copy. I just didn't' feel like she was really sincere. Why wouldn't she look at me and acknowledge that she understood my need for a copy? I had to reiterate my request twice and apologize for being so anal about it. It was like I was invisible. I left there wondering if I was going to be getting a copy. I still really don't know for sure.

Now, after this, I am thinking I need to drop the class. There's this big group project at the end of the semester and I am terrified my group will be like these four girls were...like I won't be a part of it really...just that little match girl who looks in the window at the party going on but who is never really invited to join in. I know these are just silly insecurities but there are real.

Well, see.

Happy New Year!

Ok..here it is. The first day, okay evening, of 2006. Yeah. I'm off to a good start on my Life writing ritual...one of my resolutions. I have others. I think I have too many. Here they are:

• Be more diligent about my calcium supplement and my eye drops.


• Drink more water - (I bought a 24 pack of 20 oz bottles today and I drank a whole bottle...it's a start)


• Learn my new software - (I got a couple chapters done in Creating a Newsletter in Indesign


• Be more organized, especially at work -(I was in yesterday and I cleaned up the dust bunnies behind my monitor and organized some files...I felt good when I left there.)


• Not sleep so much so I have time to be more productive...(okay, that hasn't happened a lot but..well there's hope. I did accomplish a bit today.)


• Eat better (okay, hasn't happened but it will.)


• Exercise more

(You should know, I did the HTML on this list without looking at how to do it. Good, huh?)

Merry Christmas and Church last night

Phil and I went to church last night like we always do on Christmas Eve. We go late. We love the candles and the bells at midnight. We went to the First Christian Church of Edmond. We have gone there for every Christmas eve since moving to Edmond. It's a nice church, big and full of light...well until the lights go down...then it's really dark.

I feel bad because we do not know anyone. I said Merry Christmas to the ladies next to us but I wanted to say more (not during the service mind you, but before it got started.) I hate not feeling connected. Even when it was over, I wanted to rejoice "Merry Christmas" to everyone in sight but I consciencely restrained myself. (Yes, I choice I made and didn't have to go that way. Maybe I'm just shy. I can see those who know me, right now rolling their eyes to the ceiling at that thought.)

The service was very nice; a good mixture of gospel and song. One thing that bothered me though is this. One of the talkers...who could be a minister but I'm not sure...talked about an experience he had at Walmart. He apparently came upon a little boy who was wanting to buy a doll. His aunt told him he didn't have enough money for it. She conveniently slipped away down the aisle so this man was alone with the boy in the aisle. He asked the boy about the doll; why did he want to buy it. The boy explained he wanted to get his for sister who was in heaven and his mother was going to be joining her soon. The man asked the little boy to recount his money and while he helped him with this, he slipped in some extra money. The boy, to his delight, determined he did indeed had enough money for the doll and also for a white rose for his mother. Off the boy went with the aunt.

Later, the man discovered a report on the news that a woman and her little daughter were victims of a drunk driver. The little girl died on the scene and the mother was in a coma...her prognosis not very good. Days later he read that she did die. He went to the funeral home and found the mother...a doll and a white rose in the her casket with her.

It's a nice story to know that his minister was able to help this little boy with his grief and for the man to see a true meaning of Christmas. What bothers me is that this didn't happen to the minister...it happened to someone else. It might be petty but to personalize the story, to me, seems wrong. It's almost a form of plagiarism.

Last year he did this too; a story where all the people in line at Walmart handed up money to a single mom, who at the checkout didn't have enough. This too didn't happen in Edmond. I read it on the Internet.

I know what the point of the story is. I just think he should give some kind of disclaimer that this happened somewhere else and that the story had been relied to him from a different source.

Gawd, I hope this doesn't make me a scrooge.

Aw..Religion and Sins

I will be the first to admit, what I know about the Bible and religion you could stick in your bellybutton and still have room for your thumb.

I found a non-fiction book yesterday called...Understanding Your Man in the Mirror...something like that. It was a self help book for wives wishing to understand their husbands better. This book is heavy on religion. It says that all men (unless they are not heterosexual) will lust for woman who are not their wives and this is a sin. They need to pray to God to forgive them and then give them the strength to stop this activity. This is temptation. When I say lust, I don't mean stalkers who hide in the bushes with their extermities hanging out while they watch sunbathing women in meagerly clad outer wear. (This I know is wrong.) But the book says men who look at their waitress and have fleeting thoughts of a lapdance...this kind of lust. It's a sin!

I was in the lunchroom at work while I read this and told "P" about my findings. She totally agreed. This is a sin.

We got into a discussion about amendments..I mean commandments and what is needed to get to Heaven. I asked her why God gives us the ability to have desires like having fleeting thoughts of being (in the Biblical sense) with others who are not your spouse. She says this is the devil and God has given us Free Will to make the right choices.

For a man to look at a woman and think, deep in the back of his mind, "gee I wonder how she'd be in bed?"....a rather simple unhurtful fleeting thought is not a sin. Sorry, but even in my ignorant state I can't believe God would do that. If no one gets hurt, where's the offense?

My God wouldn't make life that hard.

More on this soon.

Friends, Gifts and Business

Okay, here's the scoop. I became friends w/ my co-worker Dee when I started working here in 1999. I began in February so by the time Christmas rolled around, we had developed a friendship. We exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts..like friends do. Then, a couple years later, Dee became my boss. This didn't change our gift exchanging traditions. A couple more years later, Dee became everyone's boss.

Now I give to her and she gives to me what she gives to everyone. For my birthday, I got a card. Not a special card; not a gift. Just a run-of-the-mill, from a box, not even from the card stand. For Christmas she handed out little tins of chocolate, cute but not like it used to be. It's not that I want a gift; that's not the issue! But she's my immediate supervisor (she only manages two employee directly but she manages all the managers who manage everyone else.) I can understand her thinking that she doesn't want to show favoritism but we were friends first and it hurts to think I'm nothing more to her than a subordinate.

The VP of the department gave the receptionist a gift for her birthday. I can understand him giving it to her, she does a lot to keep the phones answered. I understand that. Wouldn't others here understand if Dee did something special for me? I seriously doubt anyone would complain that she was showing favoritism. We were friends first, I work directly under her. It makes sense.

My fellow employee, who is also directly managed by Dee, asked me if I wanted to go in with her on something for Dee for Christmas. I told her I'm really ambivalent about it; should I continue to give her gifts? I'm giving something to everyone. I like to do this but I don't think I will be giving Dee anything better than what everyone else is getting.

I know in the whole scheme of things, this is really petty. It's just what's going through my mind.

Holiday Newsletter

Each year we have send out, to family and friends, our Holiday Newsletter from Oklahoma. Phil has always confessed he didn't like doing it; that he would rather send cards. Cards are good too if you have the time to sit down and write them out. We have over 70 to prepare to mail out. As an alternative, I started writing our year long News from the Okies.

Last year, I let Scruffy write it. It was good...a few mistakes could be found but what do you want from a dog? Scruffy talked about her advertures when she was "home alone" each day. Some days she slept on the sofa, sometimes in her basket; sometimes, when she really wanted to mix things up a bit, she'd sleep in the sun under the sky light in the master bath. In the letter she'd tell all that; how what Phil and I were doing would affect her. It was cute.

Yesterday, I told Phil that Scruffy needed to get going on this year's letter. Phil's response surprised me. "We don't do anything worth mentioning!" he declared. "Nobody should care."

My first response to this was, "Well, how does that make you feel? Do you think we should be doing exciting stuff?"

He didn't have an answer.

"Every day we can open our eyes and see the sun and hop in our cars to go to work is something worth mentioning. If we can breath, we can celebrate."

And that's how I feel.

Sunday Sunday - And colonnscopy news

Today is a lazy day. I think I am still working on recovering from my colonoscopy last Thursday because all I have done today is watch football and sleep. Oh Bills won by the way - yeah! Anyway, sleeping during the day is such a luxury. I was on the sofa, under my electric throw blanket and I said to Phil, "Life is good!"

Electric throw blankets are wonderful. Phil gave it to me for Christmas last year. This is definately the gift that keeps on giving. Several times, I'd sleep a little, wake up and proclaim, "I love my blankee!" Then I'd watch a some football, then go back to sleep. It was wonderful.

The colonnoscopy, for those who have been putting it off, isn't that bad. The preparation is the worse part. Even drinking the 16 eight ounce glasses of whatever isn't that bad. I got the power stuff that you can mix with water, juice, tea, coffee, even coke (but it takes the fizz out of it, so you might not want to go there) The power is indeed tasteless. But drinking 64 onces of anything is hard. I mixed my stuff with this orange drink from Minute Maid or some similiar OJ company and it wasn't bad. Of course, I have no interest even now to consume this drink even without the powder. Not at this time.

The instructions I received from the doctor's office did not say you have 4 hours to drink all this. I called them when I was on my 13th glass and 45 minutes had passed. I was relieved to know I had several hours before it had to be all consumed. I decided to get it over with and just finished the last three glasses. Shortly there after....the games begin. My advice: stay very close by to the commode...bring in plenty of reading material.

Hunger is your next biggest enemy. Jello really does fill you if you consume enough of it. And it can stay with you for 20 minutes. You just have to keep shoveling it in. Try not to watch TV because the Subway commericials will make you cranky. Between shoveling Jello and doing all that reading...time will fly.

I found it amusing that the waiting room at the ASC is a good 30 seconds running from the restroom. This is a design flaw for sure. I mean, you probably won't need it by the time you get there, but after your prep experiences you know to not trust this.

After filling out all the paperwork and being asked for the 15th time, "are you allergic to any drugs," you get into the room. As I sat there, this one man comes in and says "Hi, I'm John, I'll be helping with your procedure."

"Hi John," I say, "I'm Eva. I'll be your patient today."

John laughs.

"So John, what are your credentials?" I ask.

"I'm a Gastroentologist Specialist. I help the doctor out with the equipment," John says.

"Oh," I pause, "So you won't be seeing my naked butt, right?"

He turns from the equipment and I can see the wheels turning in his head. "Well, actually....yes, I will."

"Oh. But I'm just another face in the crowd, huh?"

John laughs again.

I get undressed and get in bed. John comes back in and says he needs to get the scope. He comes back with this hose thingy and attaches the one large end to the machine.

"I'm glad to see that end goes in there." I point to the machine.

The nurse explains that another nurse will be in to administer some drugs to my IV so I will not be aware of much. The doctor comes in and talks to me a bit and then says, "Okay, lay on your left side."

"Wait!" I blurt, "I haven't gotten any drugs yet."

"Yeah, you will."

Sure enough a lady who tells me her name is Lesley comes in and adds some lines to my saline circulating IV. It will sting a little, she tells me. It does. The TV is in front of me and I think this will be cool to see what my colon looks like.

I never see my colon. I never see John seeing my naked butt. The next thing I know, Phil is sitting at my feet and the first nurse is telling me it's over. I knew nothing.

On the way home we stop at Subway. I wait in the car and think about getting home to my "blankee."

It's not that bad.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well, I made it half way to 90! Yikes. How can I be 45? I was in class last Tuesday night. I was talking to one of my classmates. We got on the subject of birthdays.

"I'm going to 45 on Saturday," I said.
"Oh really," she offered all bubbly, "My mom just turned 40!"
"Oh righty now."

To top off the start of my 45th year, I'm schedule for a colonoscopy on Thursday and a bone density test on the following Tuesday. Oh righty now...yes, let the games begin!

What I need....

This is too funny.

Borrowed from Phil....
INSTRUCTIONS: Ok, go to Google. Type in "(your name) needs" Remember to use the quotes. And remember to replace (your name) with your actual name. First name only. Look at the 5 websites that say you need something. (Use different websites) What are the 5 things you need?

This is what I got...(I got 7 I liked)

1. Eva needs to work on toning down the spunk and serving up some elegance.


2. Eva needs to review all her medications with her physician, including the information that she discontinued a prescribed drug.


3. This means Eva needs her revenge, and she could use some help getting it.


4. Lonely and devastated, Eva needs love like any other human being, but love is something she'll never find; instead, she's stuck in a cell with Elvira, who is as predatory as the men on the outside who ruined her life.


5. What Eva needs is solitude; she needs time to be with herself. Now that Burt is no longer a burden to her, she can lead her own life and make her own decisions without the constant worry of his harassment.


6. Eva needs to find the source of a mysterious illness sweeping across Africa.


7. Eva needs to understand the connection between anxiety and the fear of moving.

Too funny!

Politically Correct?

Today my boss, Dee, was talking to me about a report I gave her. The VP of the department came over and Debi stopped talking to me and directed all her attention to the VP. VP Man did not apologize for the interuption. He just kept talking to Debi like it was expected of her to stop our dialogue to focus on him. I said, "Dee, come back here and talk to me." She said, "I will in a minute."

Now, I know I'm a pion. I get that, but my time is valuable too. Personally I think Dee should have said, "VP Man, I'll get back right with you in a minute, I'm talking to Eva." But I get the feeling I'm dreaming. If Dee and VP Man were meeting and I needed her, I'd have to wait until they were done or, if it was a serious emergency, I'd have to apoligize for the interuption. Is it wrong to ask for the same kind of consideration? The time I spend with Dee is not for fun and games. It's for work. I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not happy with my status in the workplace. Maybe it's just me. The world has accepted the notion that VP's carry more weight but for some reason I didn't get that memo.

Just thinking.