New Year

Okay....here we go again. My head is swimming with ideas of things I should do or not do for the New Year. If you think about all the things you have to do everyday...or are suppose to do everyday...when can you sleep?

Here is an example of what everyone is suppose to do each day:

Bathe/shower: brush 3x/day: floss: drink 8 glasses of water; take their vitamins/pills; exercise - walk 1/2 hour per day; stretch; work, usually 8 hours per day; commute back and forth to work; eat three meals; prepare three meals; do the dishes; read the Bible or something inspirational; do some housework (it has to get done); do some home repair, prepare for the next day; learn something; sleep...6-8 hours.

Yeah, this is not true for everyone...some people have other people available to them to prepare their meals and do their housework, run their bath, drive them to work. Or some don't work or some work at home. All in all....there's just too much.

I want to learn something every day. I signed up for online computer training...cost my employer almost $300 but when is there time? Plus, everyone needs some time to just do something fun and a waste of time...for me it is play Pop Drop at myway.com. The game is stupid as I don't win anything...not really and it's time consuming...time better spent elsewhere. I usually only play one game a day and I'm usually on the phone or listening to a TV program.

This leads me to another thing..TV. Who really has the time? I watch a few shows but mostly I listen to them while I'm making my meals, working on the computer, folding laundry.

I can not imagine having kids. Gawd, where do these people find the time. My brother has two kids and he's constantly going... a lot more than I would if I had kids. (He had to end our conversation once because his 11 year old son wanted apple cider and he had to drive to a store to get it for him. Yeah, like that would happen if I was the parent. He says it's different when you have them...you do things you would swear you won't if you didn't have kids and were imaging you had them.)

I guess I really need to resolve to not sleep so much. Let's see if that happens.

Christmas Eve

Okay, here we are again. Another Christmas Eve. Phil and I have watched football today...Bills are out of it as they lost. Oh well. Phil is making pumpkin pie. We will go to church tonight for the candlelight service. I wonder if the preacher will tell a charming Christmas story of his adventures the last few weeks where he found the true meaning of Christmas in the most unlikely of places. He tells one each year but they are not stories where he actually was the partipate but he will say he is. Seems to be to be wrong. (See my post from last Christmas Eve.) At least it is to me.

There is no snow here in Oklahoma...this isn't so unusual. There is also no snow back home in Western New York which is downright weird. Not having a white Christmas there seems sacreligious. As wrong as narrating a Christmas story that didn't happen to you....but less consequential.

I have much to be thankful for...I have been blessed. Yes, my mother is not here on this earth anymore and that pains me so, but all in all, life is good. Any troubles I may have can be best summed up by the words of my mama..."it will all work out." I truly believe her.

This is my first post on this new beta Google version. I'm not sure what the difference is. Guess I'll see when I post.

To my loyal readers..both of you....Merry Christmas!

Ambivilence

Oklahoma got hit with a snow storm. I wanted to go to work...got up early, dressed in long johns and jeans..packed up lunch and bag...opened up the garage....went out to get the paper...slipped and slide across the drive-way...called my boss. She said she was going. I really wanted to go...but then I thought better of it. The thing is, I really feel bad about it...like I petered out on my employer. Turns out, my boss never made it in either.

Tomorrow is still iffy. The drive way has about 6 inches of snow...more in drifted areas. I need to get out but I might get stuck. I think I'm TOO committed to my employer...not good for my well being.

Presumption

I am amazed sometimes at how wrong I can be about people.

My friend a work, D, has been dating a man for over a year. I had never met him or seen pictures of him. For the past year, he was sent her flowers, a lot of flowers. One day he sent five dozen roses. It was huge...very beautiful. The frequency is sporatic...one week, it's every day; the next time will be a month later for three days. D has told me stories of trips she has gone on with him..to see Elton John in Tennessee (or some place, can't remember but they had to fly there). He has surprised her on a number of occasions, no doubt more than I know about. I know this man owns his own business. These are the things I know about him. For some reason, based on this knowledge I had envisioned a "white collar" kind of guy; a man who gets a manicure; a man of average height and weight. I don't know why. D has never shared any physical description with me. I just jumped to my own conclusions.

Yesterday, since my husband went home to be with his mom for the holiday, I went to D's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I pulled into the driveway. A rather large man was sitting there and D came out of the house to greet me. I asked her, "is this your brother?" She says, "no this is Tom!" This man was exactly the opposite of what I imaged. Like I said he was big, no doubt over 6'2" and probably running 250lbs. I only hoped I covered by shock enough. Now, don't get me wrong...him being big isn't the issue here. The issue is how I came up with my illusion of what I thought he'd be. I just never imaged her with a man three times her size.

It just threw me.

What the &@#^

There are certain things that can make you swear. I don't like to swear but people are just so friggin' weird, you have no choice. Take yesterday. I work for a company that is divided into four departments: HS, PC, BI and ADMIN. I asked one of the VPs, H, in PC this question,

"If PC was a sleigh, what would you name it?" I could see the gears rolling around in her mid-aged mind. And I thought she was working on a name but out of her mouth came, "I don't know what you're after and I...I just can't go there." Like I had asked her if she enjoyed her "busines trip" (wink) with Bill the other VP. (We have a ton of VPs..of course I'm not one of them.)

Now if you think my question was weird, well you got to know me and she should. I'm the creative one of the company, the one who comes up with cute get well cards for fellow co-workers who are sick and distributes them around the office for signatures. I'm the jokester.

I know, people are different..and that's what makes life so interesting, blah blah blah. But there is different and there is just plain wrong. Like Saddam Husain..we could just say he's different and appreciate those qualities in him that make our life interesting. Thank God we don't and I don't mean to compare H to Hussain because if there were a scale of wrongness, he would be a 10 and she would be a .025. But really I don't think my question was so bazzare she couldn't answer it. I posed it to R in my department and he came up with a few names for our sleigh.

Oh and by the way, the reason for the question is because I'm writing a poem for the Christmas party in December...kind of a parody of T'was the Night before Christmas. This is if I can get some friggin input from people in other departments.

Also, i posed this question to H while standing in the reception area and the receptionist over heard me. She had this split second to decide who to take alliance with and of course she choose the VP. Her comeback to me in H's defense was, "Oh, I think you have too much time on your hands." To which H replied, I'd have to agree" This infuriated me and I wanted to say, "if I had more time I could do this on my own, you friggin morons." But I didn't. I left before they knew I was upset.

This upsets me more...knowing I can't control myself from getting upset. The more upset I get, the more upset I get. I know it's so stupid. It's really not even worth the time to blog about it but still I get upset. Basically, I'm mad at myself for being upset. Aw...I need to see a shrink, I know because at that point I can totally understand why people bring guns to work and torment their co-workers. Not that I would do it but I certainly can understand it. I understand the tormenting part....not the kiling part, so I've decided that makes me a better person than them, no?

Anyway, I've cooled down. Took my lunch hour early and bought a new dignital camera. Nothing can apeas you more than spending money you actually have.

Office Happiness

There's this quote taped to my "awfical" (office + cubical = offical but in my case it's "awfical) that reads:

"The people with whom you work reflect your own attitute. If you are suspicious, unfriendly and condescending, you will find these unlovely traits echoed all about you. Buf if you are on your best behavior, you will bring out the best in the persons with whom you are going to spend most of your waking hours."

Well, it's obviously fallen on blind eyes. I mean would it kill you to say "hello" in the morning? Yeah, we're all very busy. Not good enough.

Time is up; gotta run.

Where have I been, you wonder?

Okay loyal blog fans...both of you...I'm here, finally. The summer is almost over. Actually calendarwise it is over today. Yeah. We made it through the 106 degree days. This is not to say it won't happen...Theoretically it could. I've been looking so forward to fall, to football, to the death of those annoying crickets or whatever they are that live in the trees and make a ton of noise, to the end of basking in my own sweat. I will miss leaving the house each morning in a short sleeve shirt and not worrying about whether or not I will need a sweater. (Well, w/ AC you always need a sweater but I keep one at the office for that reason.) Life is good.

Missing my mom is my favorite pastime still. I was especially taken back when the Buffalo Bills won last Sunday. This is the first season without her to root on "her boys". They won and my first inclination was to call her. Crap.

I have removed myself from my job. My boss says in reference to my job, that "the job is what the job is." I've been at it for over seven years and I have been trying to make more out of it than it is. I want to "own" the job when in reality the best I could hope for is to "rent" the job. It's a job not a career. So, I do not put in more time than required, I do not donate any of my time, I walk out the door and don't look back. Until the next day. This is how they want it; this is how it is.

I'm going to watch a movie.

Thinking of my momma

It's still so hard for me. I remember a time, not too long ago, where I had convinced myself that because of my mom's drinking I wouldn't feel bad or miss her when she died. I convinced myself to believe that drinking was the reason why her bones were so brittle and she knew this going in and she was doing this to herself. This meant, her having some control over, her death would be partly her fault so I wouldn't miss her. Well, I was wrong. Big time wrong. Not a day goes by where I wish I could call her; just to chat...talk about nothing. We did that so well together. This sucks.

Fun at work...or not

I went to work today. I'm not allowed to put in more than five hours of OT each week. I hit the fifth hour last night. I brought work home and while doing it, I kept thinking I should go to work even though I don't get paid for it. I mean a sense of accomplishment is worth something, right? So I went in. I was totally alone. It wasn't fun and I have decided that if I'm not going to get something out of it, I'm not going to do it. I'd like to think that comtributiong to the cause is enough, but no one is going to know I was even there and if I have to say something to someone, that doesn't make me a good person. It's like I'm looking for approval.

During the work week, I'm not supposed to be doing photocopying or even writing letters because TPTB want to get that kind of work to someone else, someone who happens to have a few spare minutes to do MY work. This is to free me up to do more data entering. The problem with this is that there are so many variations to the work, so many things to watch out for while doing it but there isn't enough time to show someone these things. It's faster to do it myself than to train someone else who has their own work to do. It's human nature to not want to be as anal with someone else's work than your own. You do the best you can but there isn't time to understand why you need to do it a certain way.

There is a ton of filing to do; a ton of files that need to be pulled. I have pulled a ton already...A-S is done. I've done this on my own time and this project hasn't been too bad because I love seeing the finished product. I have been working on this project for over a year, of course I'm going to want to see it come to a close. That, too, is human nature.

My biggest fear is that my boss "D" will tell my co-worker "J", who is a salary employee that she needs to come in on a Saturday and have this filing boxing party. She'll tell J to bring in her 9 year old daughter, they will order a pizza, play the forbidden radio and have fun getting the job done. This will piss me off because I want this so much; to feel like this major conributer to "the cause"; to be recognized as a team player. But, if she invited me, she'd have to pay me and shw won't do that.

Truth be told, I wouldn't mind doing work without getting paid for it monetarily, but I want something...a feeling of community working towards something, a free lunch, a feeling of something more than what I have. Crap. I don't know if I'll ever find that.

Fortunately, life goes on.

And so it goes

I'm not being too successful in my quest to become connected. I haven't distributed the flyers for my Resident Association yet. I think I'm really afraid of being poo-pooed. I've been getting a lot of that lately. For some reason it seems to be magnified.

I called a church near my home and left a message that said who I was, and that I as interesting in knowing more about their church and would the minister please call me. This was three weeks ago. Still no call. I want to call back and say, "if I don't hear from you, I'll assume you have enough parishions and just have no room at the inn." No pun intended.

I enrolled in a class at UCO because I figured it was time I get my act together and go back. I believe I have only two classes left. I also booked a flight home around my class....before it started even though Phil wasn't able to go with me. Well, my boss tells me today I can't do it. The class is only offered during the day and she can't spare me two hours a week. I wanted to say, "if you can sleep at night knowing you are stunting my academic growth, okay."

She also make it clear she wasn't happy with my booking a flight before consulting with her. She kept saying, "Well, I hate to make you lose money because I can't let you go." As if I'd ever allow that to happen...like she was really in control of my destiny. I think if she said I couldn't go I would have told her, "well than Friday the 12th of August will be my last day. I'm giving you six weeks notice." I think I would have said it. Maybe not.

Life Goes On

It's been a while since I wrote here. I started a new blog where I write to my momma. It's kind of like when I used to call her every day or she'd call me. I just want to tell her the stuff going on inside my head. Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes not so much.

If there's one thing I have decided since losing her is that I want to be connected. I hate that I don't know my neighbors, that I don't have that sense of community in my life. I am trying to start a Resident Association. I am also thinking about joining a church.

I made up a flyer to hand out to my neighbors. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. I'm little apprehensive about it though. I'm so afraid of not getting a warm, happy reaction. Guess I don't take reject well. The problem with finding a church, and I've talked about this before, is that I have no interest in learning the Bible. None. I just want to be a good person who meets up with good people who do constructive things for people. Maybe I need to join a volunteer program. I don't know.

Life has been so different without my momma to talk to. Planning a trip home doesn't have the same urgency as it used to. I guess that's normanl.

Mary Mollie- My momma

  

Letting Go

My momma is gone. She died on Friday morning, May 19th at 1:05am. I have so much to say and so much I want to avoid getting into. It has been a rollercoaster ride the psst few days...emotionally, mentally and even physically.

I got to the ICU at the hospital at 1am on the 18th. Jim was saying how bad she looked. I guess I was expecting worse that what she was. She did not look good, this is true. By now, they had removed her teeth. She talked to me in little snibetts of info. She knew I was there. Mostly she sleep so Jim and I left to go to his house to sleep. In the morning, we all met up at her station in the ICU. We told her that we wanted her to be out of pain; they it could be done; that we could take her off the medicine that was keeping her blood pressure up and all other medicines that were bascially substaining her and then we could give her something for the pain that would make her more comfortable. She replied a few minutes later, "so I'm going to just go?" I believe it was a question and not a statement. We told her yes. We asked, do you want to be out of pain. Her reply was, "yes" but I'm not totally convinced she wanted to "just go." I think she was still mulling it over in her drug induced mind. The hospital people wasted no time in getting mom disconnected from everything..all the monitors and such. It was almost like they had someone waiting to use the bed. Mom said, "I want to say something." We waited as she conjured up the words. "Thank you for being my family." All of us lost it at this point.

More later.

The System of Pain

There is a serious flaw in the system of pain; in particular, how it is dispersed. There are two ways it can be done. First, it should be distributed based on the goodness of the person. The better a person you are, the less pain you recieve. Now, I know, not having pain is a bad thing...pain does have it's advantages because it tells you when to stop bending your finger back or pulling on your eye lid. It also tells you when to seek medical attention. Pain should be limited, however, when the receptant is a 71 year old woman who has never hurt a flea. Sadam Husain would be a good example of someone who is in chronic, never ending pain. Murders, rapists, pediphils too. If this were the way it was, we wouldn't need a court system to bring them to justice, justice would be served on its own. Also, the news headlines would be a vehicle for which we can get our info on who has been bad. This would in turn deter potentially bad people from being bad.

Another way pain could be distributed would be based on how insurance is structure. For example, once you had reached your deductible of pain, you will only have to endure 20% of it. This way, you are not constantly in pain and you can say, "I have had enough" and it would be true.

I believe in God but I have to say (and please God, it's not really a criticm..more like an observation) some of the things he has come up with are flawed and you wouldn't expect that from him. Afterall he's God.

Mom, work, my back

So much is going on lately. I haven't blogged because not all is good. Mom is in rehab. I wish it was a drug addiction. It's for her legs...well she was hoping to learn to walk again. You know it is true, you do need to "use it or lose it." The PT people there were really pushing her even though it hurt. She was pushing herself too. Then they decided to x-ray her. And they find her hip is broken! They did surgery on that on Monday but before she went under the doctor tells her that she most likely has bone cancer. He gives her 2 months to 2 years. "This is a big blow," she tells me before the surgery, "but I have to do the surgery because I want to walk." She is deternmined. The surgeon wasn't quit so "doom and gloom" but we are still waiting on the biopsy. She's tough, I know. She says she wants to fight.

After the surgery she was in a lot of pain. They put a plate in her hip and some bolts and screws. Mom is full of metal now. No MRI's for her. She's back in rehab now. She says her pelvis hurts more than her hip. My fear of losing her is not as strong as my desire for her to be out of pain or at least let it be minimal.

My brother and family have been planning a trip here since last April. Mom tells them to go. This is normally a good thing. I want them here but I also want to go home. I have booked a flight after they leave. I need to see her!

Work is very busy but I am not minding it. I really am not. I'm going in tomorrow. There is so much I can get done, especially on a Sunday. I have a lot I want to get done before may family arrives and before I leave for NY.

My back/hip problems are muscular not osteo...like my mom's. Well, my bones are thinning but that is under control. (Of course, if I could give up the coke I'd be better off.) I had an MRI. I will be going back to PT and also massage therapy. That is good.

That's all.

When do you write someone off?

I have a friend, well, I thought we were friends, who hasn't returned my call. I've left her three voice messages. Is this enough? Can I say, I've tried and now it's time to move on. Well, in all fairness, we were not real close to begin with. We had lunch together every six weeks or so. Then she lost her job. I left messages to show her I supported her but she hasn't returned any..not even a voice message. It's been over 2 months. If I leave her another, would it be borderline stalking?

This is where I think it would be handy to have a "friendship application." I know the journey to finding friendship is suppose to be part of the experience but sometimes you have to wonder if the effort is worth it. What if you put a lot of time and energy into a potential friendship only to find out they're "not that interested." It might be best to know up front what kind of relationship are they looking for. Do they have enough friends already? Is the close friend position already taken? Do we just send each other Christmas cards and acknowledge each other in line at Walmart? Do we get together for beer and wings during Monday night football? What? I did develope an application for my humor writing classl. You can view it here.

I hope my friend calls me. I really do. It would be a shame for me to give up only to discover that's not what she wants. In the meantime...her number is still programmed in my cell. Just in case.

Lent and other things

My husband and I were trying to think of what we should give up for lent. He is Catholic so he takes this a little more seriously than I do. He will give up meat on Fridays until Easter.

The other day, after giving Scruffy Girl her evening food, Phil got upset because she didn't eat it. He was really taking it personally, like he had been slaving over a hot stove for hours in order to prepare it. That is when I said, "Okay, this is what you are going to give up! No more stressing over things you have no control over. No more bellyaching for stuff that you can not control." To my surprise he agreed.

I wast thinking, yeah, I really need to do this too. There are so many times that I get upset over things at work...how they are handled. I have littled control. I am making a conscious effort to stop. Another thing...I'm going to stop apologizing for asking people to do their jobs. I'm not going to say I'm sorry to my doctors office when I request a refill on my prescription. I'm not going to apologize to my boss for interupting her. It's a question pretaining to the business. It's not like i'm personally benefiting from knowing how to enter a provider into the system. It's my doctors job to supply me with the drugs I need; it's my bosses job to guide me so I can do a good job for our clients. I shouldn't be sorry.

And that's that.

Oh what a relief...

Okay. I made a decision. Right or wrong, I decided to drop my comedy writing class. I know, I know...I'm running away but you would believe the stress it was causing me. I mean. I feel bad for giving up but oh so good that I don't have to study, read or write something I find so hard to do. It's like this huge weight is off my shoulders.

Okay, I know, you might wonder how stressful it can be but it was. If it were happy humor...Erma Bombeck, Dave Barry or Art Buchwald comedy, I would love it. It was this dark Joe Orton, Catch 22 humor. I hated it.

So I feel better and that's all there is to it.

I need to post

I have no clue as to what I should say. Really. What I feel is not public blog material.

Desperate Housewives was good tonight. I really like that show. Oh and I watched Curb Your Enthusiasm. I had gotten that show confused with the Arresting Development. I don't care much for AD. I hate the bouncy camera. Phil and I had ordered "Friday Night Lights" from Netflicks. I couldn't stand the movie because of hte bouncy camera. It's aggravating.

The Olympics have been interesting. I am waiting for the lady figure skating. I want to see Emily Hughs. Her sister was so cute. I bet she is too.

That's it. Good night.

I have 10 minutes to say...

Oh man. The pressure's on. I have 10 minutes left to my lunch. I need to say something...anything..even if it's wrong.

Okay...I'm doing alright in this life I've created in Oklahoma. Sure, I could be richer, doing something more creative for a living and be a better housekeeper. But all in all...life is good. I know what I'm doing on my job and there is a lot to be done. I love making order out of chaos and this job gives me plenty of opportunities to do so. I love my house, despite the fact I can't keep it clean. I love my husband despite the fact he can make me nuts. I love my car. I love going to school and learning. I love my dog and my friends (although I could use more.)

Yeah...life is good.

How naive am I?

I dropped the class I talked about in my last post. I am now taking "Humor and Satire" writing. It's fun but I have discovered my sense of humor is way different that my classmates. Also, I am really naive.

One girl wrote a story about Ronald McDonald. Apparently, in the story someone throws a "right hook into the old babymaker." Someone said that was a good funny line. I was lost. I had to ask...what's the babymaker? I didn't get it. You probably know....it's the genitals. That never crossed my mind. Not once.

Yesterday, one kid wrote a song....not overly flattering towards Jesus. Okay...down right mean towards Jesus. He made reference to Jesus being gay. News flash! I never ever equated Jesus w/ homosexuality. These kids know about this contraversy. Where have I been?

The kids in class write things that don't seem funny to me. Even the instructor (who is no doubt a bit older than me) understands it. I thought it was a generation thing...but I'm not so sure. Maybe he's just used to it. I can't help but think something is wrong with me. Oh well.

First Class

I had my first class today in Women in Media. The first class is usually the "get to know" you class, where the instructor asks each of the students to say a little bit about themselves.

I always have such palpatations about doing this. You really want to make a good impression because it's so hard to change it later. As students are talking my brain is reeling, as I write down notes of what to say. In my head, I think what I am going to say is pretty humorous, but for some reason this is not how it comes out. I don't know why. I'm not good at winging it.

Of course, my desire to be liked is so counter productive. I think people sense this need. I might come across as needy.

The class is supported by a compilation book the instructor put together It is a heat bound volume of reprints of magazine articles. Due to copyright issues, she can not just copy and distribute them. I get that. But...the bookstore charges almost $80 for it. This is a book that has absolutely no resale value.

As I left, I asked four girls if they were going to buy it and if I could photocopy it, I'd pay them $30. No one would look at me. They discussed doing this for each other and one girl said she would make me a copy. I just didn't' feel like she was really sincere. Why wouldn't she look at me and acknowledge that she understood my need for a copy? I had to reiterate my request twice and apologize for being so anal about it. It was like I was invisible. I left there wondering if I was going to be getting a copy. I still really don't know for sure.

Now, after this, I am thinking I need to drop the class. There's this big group project at the end of the semester and I am terrified my group will be like these four girls were...like I won't be a part of it really...just that little match girl who looks in the window at the party going on but who is never really invited to join in. I know these are just silly insecurities but there are real.

Well, see.

Happy New Year!

Ok..here it is. The first day, okay evening, of 2006. Yeah. I'm off to a good start on my Life writing ritual...one of my resolutions. I have others. I think I have too many. Here they are:

• Be more diligent about my calcium supplement and my eye drops.


• Drink more water - (I bought a 24 pack of 20 oz bottles today and I drank a whole bottle...it's a start)


• Learn my new software - (I got a couple chapters done in Creating a Newsletter in Indesign


• Be more organized, especially at work -(I was in yesterday and I cleaned up the dust bunnies behind my monitor and organized some files...I felt good when I left there.)


• Not sleep so much so I have time to be more productive...(okay, that hasn't happened a lot but..well there's hope. I did accomplish a bit today.)


• Eat better (okay, hasn't happened but it will.)


• Exercise more

(You should know, I did the HTML on this list without looking at how to do it. Good, huh?)