The Year in Review

Wow, it’s been a cRaZy year, huh?  I can’t believe 2011 is coming to a close.  I think back to what I went through this year and it seems so surreal.  Good gravy.  I think of all the pain in my bones, the fatigue, the pain from radiation, the emotional struggles of finding out some friends could turn their backs on me, the upsetting knowledge that my employer would terminate me in the middle of my treatment…all of that and I have to say it’s totally overshadowed by the fact that I am blessed!  I have the best family, friends, and supporters in the world!

During the first part of my treatment I read many blogs written by women in my position and many of them said that getting breast cancer was a blessing.  I thought “clearly these women have lost their God loving minds.”  Breast cancer; a blessing?  This was right around when Bin Laden was captured and killed.  I had wished our government had brought him back here for a few rounds of Red Devil first before shooting him and burying him at sea.  Chemotherapy is definitely a punishment.  Of course, it’s also a good thing because without it I couldn’t have kicked the snot out of breast cancer. 

But I have to say, I see it now…what these ladies were saying.  Yes, of course I would have liked to have avoided the whole dreadful disease but since I had to go through it, I’ve learned a lot and I guess I can say it was a blessing.  I have never felt such an outpouring of support, love and prayers.  From my family and friends in New York, Florida, Pennsylvania and California to the IT department at my old job; I have truly been blessed.

I know I’ve said it before but Facebook has been wonderful for me.  I have reconnected with so many friends from my past.  I never would have connected with them had it not been for Facebook.  My biggest supporters: Arlene in Texas; Suzanne in Florida; Chris R., Maggie, Janice, Chris Y, Ann and Gemma in New York, Mary Jo in Kansas all became my “friend” on Facebook when I needed them the most.

I do believe, God willing, the worst of it is behind me.  I thank God for seeing me through this.  I will say I’m not an overly religious person, but I do believe in God and I know, he too was there for me. 

I am so hoping you all have a wonderful holiday season and I wish you all the very best in 2012.  Life is good. It really is.

God Bless….Eva

Don't Mess with my Mojo...

Aw...first of all, I know it's been a while.  I've been working on a year end blog but it's still kind of only in my head.  I'm putting it aside to write what's in my head right now that's not a part of that blog.

First of all, here's an update:  (Just informing...remember)

I've been a little under the weather with some kind of cold or something.  Dr Toma's office put me on antibiotics that I think are doing the job.  Last weekend I sounded pretty bad...like my brother Ed on steroids.  I also felt like crap.  I guess my immune system is still not where it needs to be.  

I'm also doing physical therapy for my arms and chest.  My right arm still hurts quite a bit when I raise it.  Christa Newgent, the physical therapist I mentioned a few blogs back who talked at the Breast Cancers Survivor's luncheon in October about lymphedema suggested when I went in for a consult on my lymphedema sleeve that I do PT.  Of course I had to take time off so I could sneeze and hack up a lung in the privacy of my own home. (I'm pretty okay with keeping my germs to myself)

The neuropathy still sucks but the Neurotin to treat it is just as bad.  By mid morning every day I'm ready for a three hour nap. If I have PT to go to I just try to hold off on taking my morning dose but sometimes, depending on the scheduling, I have no choice.  So, sorry to say it...I'm sleepy quite a bit. 

I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit.  I did manage to get all our WNY gifts bought, wrapped, boxed and out in the mail.  Also we sent out a bunch of Christmas cards and we hand wrote most of the messages...adding more this year than last since so many more people have come back into my life.  So that's good. 

This leads me to the main topic of this blog...2012.  I really really am hoping, praying and needing a great new year.  Seriously after 2011 I need some good stuff in my life. (Not that there wasn't any good stuff in 2011...believe me there was...wait until the next blog for more on that.) I want to basically ignore any negative stuff.  It's full steam ahead on the Positivity Bus!  But...and we knew we'd have a but...I already see negativity on the horizon.  Aw...please!  I want to be selfish...I really don't want to deal with anything I can't control and I really don't want to feel bad about it.  That's pretty much the bottom line.  Sorry to be so cryptic but I really can't say more about it yet.   So is that so bad?  Aw...here's a struggle all in itself.  Stay tuned.

My "I Kicked the Snot Out of Breast Cancer" WNY Tour

This post is overdue.  It seems like I think about writing it (and others) and then something stops me.  Writer's block? Perhaps?  But often, I find myself wanting to nap instead.  

Speaking of napping, I do believe that God thought I had too much planned on my trip.  Yeah, in an attempt to slow me down, I got socked with an awful head cold.  I ended up cancelling many of the things I had planned to do.  I guess I didn't comprehend the concept of "your immune system has been compromised by cancer" enough so fate had to step in.


I did see my mother-in-law fall and break her hip (see last post) which is always a treat. (That's sarcasm...I love her...we do NOT have the stereotypical MIL / DIL relationship.)  

Me & Chic

I did meet up with friends and my brothers, Jim & Ed at Desperadoes in Angola on 11/11.  That was fun for a few hours.  I drank way too many O'Dooles! :)  

Jon & Amanda

Uncle Bob, figuring it out.

On Saturday (11/12), I met up with Jim, Ed, Marlene (SIL), Amanda, Kate, Devin (Kate's BF) Jon, cousin Louise and Uncle Bob at Applebees in Blasdell.  That was fun too. It's good to see Uncle Bob whenever I'm in town.  He's 86 and still interested in figuring out his phone. :) 

Tammy, Devon & Kate

Linda, Carol & me

Ed & Don

 On Sunday, (11/13) we had a Bills party at Jim's.  Yeah, I think the Bills played...you certainly wouldn't have known 

from the score against Dallass! Yeah, I may be an Okie but I sure don't care for those Cowboys. Anyway, it was great just the same as my cousins, Carol & Don & Kimberly and Linda & Ray came over as did Tammy & Ray (my brother's ex-in-laws) and Ed & Amanda. Kate, Devon & Jon were there too.  We had fun just visiting...didn't really watch the game much anyway.

On 11/14, I went to the hospital to see Mama Mahoney. This lady is such a trooper.  They are not going to do surgery, just let it heal.  Well, we say that but she's in rehab now and she's not sitting around healing.  They get her up to do occupational therapy every morning and physical therapy every afternoon.  I get that this has to be done but how can a bone heal if it's being moved around? I just don't get that.  After leaving the hospital, I drove in the pouring rain. I had to stop and get gas and nitrogen in the tires and get the oil checked because the "check oil light" kept going on.  I found a place, by accident...not that I believe in accidents, that would do all three.  This meant several trips out in the cold and rain. I drove in the rain back to Jim's.  Kate was waiting to take us to her grandparent's house for dinner.  Kate's such a little trooper; the monsoon we drove through didn't hardly phase her.  Dinner with Ray and Tammy was wonderful...thank you guys.

On Tuesday morning 11/15 I was officially sick.  I managed to go to Peppers in Angola to meet my former neighbor, Judy.  She's a former nurse and she told me I needed to stay at Jim's and sleep and not go off visiting people.  It wasn't good for me or them at this point.  So I cancelled seeing Uncle Bob again. I cancelled my plans for Wednesday and Thursday. I didn't get to see Mama Mahoney until Friday and I still kept my distance.  I also did get to see my friends Gemma and Kevin.  

Kate, Me and Devon

Then Saturday I was back, flying those friendly skies.  Fortunately the head cold is gone.  

Kate, Me and Jon

It was so really great to be back in WNY.  I wasn't able to take my annual summer trip this year because of my treatment.  I appreciate my family and friends for helping me kick the snot out of breast cancer! :)    

I like this pic of me and Jim.

Mama Mahoney

I came to visit Mama Mahoney today. I had everything planned out. I would come early because I had to take advantage of a ride to her house and that meant being at her house early. I'd visit with my sister in law, who I haven't seen since 2005 for a bit and then I'd sleep on the sofa. Mama Mahoney would wake up and after she got herself situated, we'd play Yahtzee and Scrabble on my IPad and just visit a while. Then we'd work on the jigsaw puzzle she had been working on. We'd eat lunch and then I'd be on my way.

This was what I had planned. It didn't work out that way. I got there early; this did happen. I was talking to my SIL, Mary when Mama Mahoney emerged from her bedroom. I motioned to come to her to give her a hug but she said, "I have to go," as she plotted along with her walker to the restroom. I figured I'd hug her when she came out and I turned my attention to Mary. Suddenly there was a clamor and then Mama Mahoney was yelling. My first reaction was to look at Mary because I was sure, in that split second, she was going to tell me, "oh, that's okay...it's just ma making the same noise she makes every time she goes to the restroom." It wasn't. Ma was on her left side; the same side she had hip replacement surgery on in 1999 and she was yelling out in pain.

Mama Mahoney has a hairline fracture of the hip. I'm sick with worry. I wish so much I had walked the four steps to her. I really believe if I had, the outcome would be different. But it wasn't. Mary had told me that ma was doing better. She was getting to the restroom on her own; doing things independently and now she's back to square one. Grrrr....I'm so sad.

They say that a hip fracture at an advanced age means a recovery is not likely. I think she could come back from this though. I've known this woman for over 25 years and in that time I never known her to break a bone. Her brother, Al, broke his hip at 87 and now, at 91 he's fine; getting around, still driving.

All of this is so reminiscent to when my mother was alive. She died shortly after the bones around the plate they put in her hip just crumbled. Her osteoporosis was so bad than a simple step on the day before she was to finally go home changed her life and mine forever.

Fortunately for Mama Mahoney, her bones are much stronger. I pray she can work through the pain and get better.

The Hard Part is Over!!!!

Aw man, what a bell of freedom rings through me.  I am finally done with treatment.  I am cancer free!  Praise the Lord!  This is truly amazing.

For my last radiation treatment, the gals (Debbie, Hope, Maggie, Jess and Dr Young) at Cancer Specialists of Oklahoma gave me this beautiful flower arrangement.  Thank you so much for your work, compassion and thoughtfulness during my treatment. Thanks for putting up with all my questions. I know I can be as annoying as Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory rapping on the neighbor's door saying, "Penny...Penny...Penny." :) But we gotter done! 

Now I need to heal and heal I will. It will just take a little time.  I had posted on Facebook that my chest - on my right side (where apparently all the fighting was happening) - looks like a map of some burnt out third world country.  The left side depicts the aerial view of amber waves of grain.  The equator cuts through both sides (my scar). I feel so sorry for the people who live on the right side...surely they must be hurting. I imagine they are wearing bandages around their heads and walking with tree-branched makeshift crutches. I think there was an infomercial on television the other night asking for aid.  I'm sure many of the inhabitants of the right side were forced to jump to their death in a nearby volcano (my armpit).  It's a sad sad situation.  I'm so looking forward to the day when amber waves of grain rule.

Until then, I will relish in the fact I'm cancer free!

Responses from Facebook:· 

Eva Dinkuhn Mahoney: is going to get radiated for the friggin' last time!!!!!! Yahoo!!!!

Top of Form

• JoAnn Geary, Maggie McGill Wallum, Laura Wood and 33 others like this. 
  

• Margaret Dick That's a great way to "kickoff" your birthday weekend. Hope it's fabulous. 
• Ann Rammacher Good to hear you'll be done with that! 
• Melanie Willoughby glad to hear that Eva try and have a good day 
• Chic Ciccarella Bazydlo ‎*+*+*+*++*+*+*+ I knew you could do it!!! 
• Rosalie Atti-Holguin You made it.....Praying your day goes well! Always on my mind friend. 
• Michael Panzica Stay strong Eva you can do it!!!! 
• Christine Ferguson Yawney whoo hoo! see you soon! 
• Linda Just Glad to hear you are done with it! 
• Joann Ellis HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW, EVA!! ENJOY :O) 
• Patty Puckett Glad last radiation! Happy birthday woman! 
• Nita Hedrick Benefield WooHoo!!! So 
• Nita Hedrick Benefield Happy for you. Sorry. I got so excited I didn't finish. LMAO!!! 
• Joe Jackie Androff Bracco I really don't know where you found the strength, I'm so proud of you! Happy Birthday Eva and I really hope I can say that in person when I come up next year!

Bottom of Form

A Little Too Crispy

J R Martinez - A true inspiration!

I have new found respect for anyone who has been burnt in a fire or even gone through radiation treatment.  God Bless all the burn victims.  I can't imagine their pain.  There is a man, J. R. Martinez, on Dancing with the Stars. In 1993 he was serving in Iraq when he was seriously injured.  He suffered burns over 40% of his body.  Oh my God, I can not imagine the pain he went through. I feel sorry for myself - to be going through radiation treatment. My skin is deep red to dark brown along my chest where the cancer was and it hurts more than I ever imagined!!!!  I know it's nothing compared to what he went through.  Fortunately, this is my last week. Praise the Lord because I don't think I could take more of this.  No one ever told me it would hurt so much.  I'm going to be hurting by Friday but then I should be on the road to recovery.  Praise the Lord!!!!

Now if only the neuropathy and total forgetfulness would get better...then I'd be set.

PS...I don't want to minimize the fact that I am cancer-free.  I know I am so lucky and perhaps I shouldn't complain about a side effect that will go away eventually but right now...aw..I just need to let you know how it really is.  Remember, not complaining, just informing. :). 

Cancer Treatment Update

Remember: Not complaining - just informing!

I'm two-thirds into my radiation treatment and it's, as expected, getting harder and harder.  On Saturday morning the radiation site looked fine. On Sunday, my chest area was dark brown; the area near my collarbone and by my shoulder was red - sunburn red...like "pass the Solarcaine" red.  I saw the doctor today and she says that this happens - where you're fine one day and the next you're a little crispy.  I told her the brown area looks dirty.  She assures me it's not. She actually says my skin looks good considering all it's been through.  I'm freaking out a little. I know, it will go away but ...well..you know.  Also, I've been very tired - really tired.  I get up in the morning and take my pills, take Becca for a walk and then I'm pretty much done - looking to lay down.  And it's not a short nap...it's at least two hours.  I thought I was done with this but apparently not.
 
On the Halloween front...I am going as a boy. Yeah, I'm working it. Phil's going to be a doctor. That's pretty benign.  Guess we both are....bahahaha. 

From Facebook:

Eva Dinkuhn Mahoney

I'm going to a Halloween Party as a BOY!!!!! Because i can!!!!! Bahahahaha....

• DeAnn Branstetter Beach, Mary Guerra, Eva Mahoney and 4 others like this.

Chic Ciccarella Bazydlo lol

Mary Jo Borzelleri Miller Ok, but only because you want to. Breasts don’t define a woman, having them removed to save your life makes you a brave, smart, living woman. A survivor - not a boy.

Chic Ciccarella Bazydlo I agree Mary Jo, but I also know (as do you) Eva's sense of humor..of course we're all proud of her strength, courage and success. :)

Jennifer Steiger EVA!!!!YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BOY OR GIRL!!!I LOVE YOUR POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

Christine M. Ralph That a girl Eva.....

Chic Ciccarella Bazydlo lol

Mary Jo Borzelleri Miller Will you be a famous boy, like Justin Bieber, or just any boy? And will Phil still hold your hand?

Don Feldman ata girl good for you

Eva Dinkuhn Mahoney Phil is going as a doctor...a pretty benign costume...that makes two of us! Bahahaha...get it? Benign? :D

Joe Jackie Androff Bracco You are too funny, love the positive attitude!

Margaret Dick Laughter is, indeed, the best medicine.

Maureen Harrison you make me smile!

Heather L. Macpherson-Kasperek LOL - pictures, please!

Christine Ferguson Yawney Eva, your strength and courage show just what kind of a woman you are...with or w/o breasts!

Halloween

I don't like Halloween.  Not really.  I like it when the kids dress up like fun light characters like a princess or a fireman or someone not spooky. I don't like spooky characters because I scare easily.  I never watch horror movies or even movies where many of the scenes are in a dark setting.  Heck, I get scared watching reruns of Little House on the Prairie.  It's scary when they play that spooky music when Charles go out to check on the chickens in the chicken coop.

I love to check out the costumes of the little ones who come to my door.  They are so adorable.  Of course, Becca wants to check them out too.  It's so cute when one of them will say, "Oh, what a cute doggy."

"No, she's really a cat but she has on her dog costume," I'll tell them.

"Really?" They'll ask.  Too cute.

This year, Phil and I are invited to a Halloween party.  I have no idea what to go as.  I opted to go as a boy since cleavage-wise that's not too far a stretch but Phil won't hear of going as a girl and the pair is exactly that...a pair. So, I'm back to square one.  I don't have any money to buy or rent a costume so that leaves me to create something...to find stuff around the house or things I can get at a thrift store.  Yeah, nothing is coming to me.  And time is ticking away.

Halloween candy is terribly expensive too.  We always over buy.  I don't know why we buy it.  I have this huge jar of condiment packets...won't they make good Halloween treats?  Why not? What kid couldn't use a packet of Duck Sauce or Arby's Horsey Sauce?  They come in bite sized little packets.  Oh oh, I know...I can give the little kids Hersey Bars and the big kids...the ones sporting facial hair, wearing their, "I won't be doing this next year" costume....Burger King Dipping Sauce!

I remember when I was a kid, I walked in the Village Halloween parade as a window.  Seriously, I had a cardboard box around me with a window cut out in the front, complete with curtains.  I carried a sign that said, "I'm a window, not a pain." Bahahaha...yeah, that was my mom's idea.  

Mama Mahoney's 90th

Here's a picture of the jigsaw puzzle I had created for Mama Mahoney for her 90th birthday present.  I thought it was a great idea and apparently I was right. She loved it!  Last I heard she had completed the photo of her and Dad, my jeans and Phil's shirt.  She was having a little trouble with my shirt though...too busy. :D  But she's the master puzzle put togetherer so I'm sure it won't be long! 

I put it together before Phil took it to her.

The Upside to a Masectomy - part 3

I can sext a photo of my chest to someone and I won't get charged with "The Distribution of Obscenity (the legal term for pornography)!"

Thank You Friends

This is the weekend that many cities had held their Susan G. Komen Race for a Cure Race/walks.  There was one walk here in Oklahoma City yesterday and one in Jamestown NY.  Two of my dear friends here, Jo Jo Lipinski and Flora Daniels, walked on my behalf in OKC.  My dear friend, Chic Ciccarella Bazydlo in Cattaraugus walked, albeit very slowly, to the finish line in Jamestown, NY.  Poor Chic and Jo Jo were really hurting but by golly they did it!  I can not thank you all enough for making the walk.  You guys all rock!  

Health Update

Pumping Iron!

I’m at the half way point on my radiation.  As you can see, I’ve been shooting a lot of hoops. (Don’t worry, I’m not over-doing it.) Okay, here’s my report:

• ·         I’m tarred and feathered!  Say it like a Redneck – “tarred.”  They say this will happen with radiation and it may continue for weeks after I’m done.  As tired as I am, I’m not sleeping very well. I don’t seem to get tired at night; it’s the morning. I get up around 7am, take my pills, eat breakfast and take Becca for a walk.  Then I want to sleep. If I lay down, it’s for a good three hours. I try not to do this because I want to do something constructive but I sometimes I just have to sleep. The radiation isn’t giving me a sun burn yet.
• ·         I went to a Breast Cancer Survivors Luncheon.  It was interesting.  They had a speaker, Krista Newgent, PT.  She specializes in Lymphedema.  She says that even if you have one lymph node removed you are susceptible to this condition. If one contracts Lymphedema, they can’t get rid of it.  Krista says I need to get a compression sleeve to wear on my right arm when I’m doing housework or lifting anything, I also need to wear it when I get on an airplane.  Apparently swelling can occur when faced with a change in altitude.  This is all new to me.  Well, that's not completely true. I'm sure it was discussed, but in my chemo-brain head, I couldn't address it. Anyway, I brought this up with Dr Toma and her office is working on getting me an appointment with Krista for an evaluation.
• ·         My weight is staying the same despite my eating calorie ridden confections like chocolate cheese cake, chocolate pudding and coco-coconut butter.  I’m starting to like more foods.  I’m still not big on beef or cake though.

That's about it for now.

Babies and that Maternal Feeling

As many may know, Philip and I have no children.  It, apparently, wasn’t in God’s plan for us.  I spent a good portion of my thirties upset by this revelation; avoiding kids, cringing at the prospect of the invite to a baby shower, getting angry at commercials that depicted families doing family things, hearing that Christmas is for children (n...a...h…I love Christmas even without having kids), telling myself that kids were annoying and who needed them?  Laura Bush had an interesting quote in her book Spoken from the Heart:

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” 

By my mid-forties I came around to accept that this is the way it’s going to be.  I still stayed clear of children but the occasional baby shower grew to be less of a chore, discussing a co-worker's pregnancy didn’t sting as much, but I knew I’d never offer myself to babysit. 

Flash forward to last week.  I was having a garage sale and my neighbor Jamie came over with Norah, her four month old daughter.  Looking back now, I’m amazed at how I initiated Jamie into relinquishing Norah to me.  I deliberately reached for her.  I didn’t even think about it. I just did it.  I know, not a huge deal for most women but for me, it was the first time I have done this since my twenties and I didn’t even realize what I had done until later.  

This weekend has been a particularly rainy one.  Oklahoma really needs it.  This morning I let Becca out and when she came back it, she was drenched.  I had to dry her off with a towel. She was very good about it; even laying down on her back so I could wipe each of her paws.  After I was satisfied with it, I was playing with her and the towel and talking to her like a baby.

“Aw…my little girl is all wet. Poor little girlie. You smell like a wet dog. I know that’s because you are a wet doggy.”


I know…how pathetic is that?  And then I did something I was worried I’d never do again. I clutched her to my bosom.  I had been worried that I wouldn’t feel that maternal need since my bosom had been amputated. But the need was still there.  And that felt good.

A Word about Dating...

No, don't be shocked. It's not the demise of my marriage to Philip.  That will NEVER happen.  But I have a few friends who have tried to get back into the dating scene and they have told me stories.  It just boggles my mind: why is it so hard to find "the one?" 

Take my friend, Tom; he's been divorced for a couple years. He's a nice guy; tall (okay, not that tall…5’11”), dark and handsome in a chiseled kind of way; mid-50s; employed (not a millionaire but doing okay).  He's gone out on dates with woman he's met through various dating services.  The woman on the sites all seem to agree that "they don't want to play games!"  The thing is; they do!!!  It's kind of perplexing. 

Remember that book I reviewed, It Could be Worse, You Could be Me by Ariel Leve?  The one essay was about being direct with where you stand.  I realize it might be hard to hurt someone but if you're not feeling it; say so and let's move on.  Tom has told me stories about how a woman he just met, seemed genuinely interested.  She actually told him she'd like to see him again.  Tom was pretty excited about it but Tom's emails were answered in vague short sentences.

 "Can’t meet on Thursday.”

“Maybe next week." 

Then next week comes and she's busy again.  Then the emails just go unanswered.  What's up with that?  Give the guy a break.  Tom has been forced to evaluate every encounter. Even his profile on the dating site is subject to self-inflected scrutiny. 

Then there is my friend, Amy. She’s a nice lady, early 50s, grown kids, professional with a degree.  For some reason the men she meets feel that sleeping with her is a given.  They paw at her all evening, expecting something will happen.  Amy is no prude by any means, but she’s not going to sleep with a man she barely knows. Well, unless he’s famous and good looking like Glen Frey or Bon Jovi, then maybe…okay probably.  But, why do these guys act that way? I suppose she could put on her profile, “If you’re looking for sex, don’t bother contacting me.”  But if she did that, she’d get no one to respond to her profile and in her early stages of disrepair, she can’t handle that.

I just don’t get why it’s so hard to make connections? Why do people make it so hard?   No games need to be played. It should just fall into place.  Maybe I’ve been spoiled all these years by a seamless relationship with Philip.  There’s no working at it for us; it just happens.  I just wish the same for Tom and Amy.  Eventually it will, I just know it, but in the meantime all you single people: don't make it so hard!

Serious thought I need to say...so here it is...

I posted this pic on Facebook because it rings so true to me.  It makes no sense to give anyone power over you. I get that.  And after having gone through cancer and beating it, one has but no choice to really look at their life and make some changes.  Everyone says to not let the little things get you down...to gloss over it and basically pretend it doesn't exist; it doesn't hurt.  I have approached people with a discussion on this and I sense their frustration.  In my case, I'm like a dog with a bone....I want to analyze it and I try but I get this "In the whole scheme of things, is it really that important. Just let it go!"  Well maybe the person I'm fretting over needs to live in my head a little bit longer rent free; maybe I'm not ready to evict them.  I'm kind of tired of having to feel guilty for wanting to wallow in my despair a little longer.   Yeah, I know it's of no good for me.  I know I should put my energies elsewhere...somewhere more productive but in many cases I just can't...not yet.  Certain things have happened with my socially and I can say I'm making pretty good strides to get past them.  But just because I slip, doesn't mean I'm not moving on..it's just at a different pace than my good-intention friends would like. Just so there's no dispute on this..I love all of my friends; appreciate them so much!!!! So don't stop being you but understand, letting go is not my strong suit (I know, duh!) :)  All is good.

Overdue Update

I know this update is overdue...sorry.  

I finished my first week of radiation treatment.  There really isn't much to report.  I go in everyday at 3:20, take off my shirt, lay face up, the two girls who are the techs line me up and then I'm conveyer-ed back a few feet under this machine that scans around me.  It takes about 5 minutes. Then I put my shirt on, say good bye and I'm on my way.  Lather, rinse, repeat...

I haven't experience any of the redness I'm going to see. It will appear, probably next week.  I have a prescription lotion I have to put on three times a day.  I'm fatigued a lot but that's still from the chemo and the drugs I'm taking.  It may or may not get better before it gets worse.  I do stuff and then I lay down.  It's all good.

Funny story:  I was checking out at Dr Toma’s office (my oncologist) and I told the lady, Beverly, about the benefits of having a mastectomy.  I lifted by shirt and said, “I can flash you and it’s not indecent exposure!”  She laughed, a lot and said, “no, but it might be considered disturbing behavior.”  Aw man, she got me!  I guess I never saw it from the standpoint of the flashee.  And to think of all those poor people I've exposed myself to. (just kidding...Beverly was actually the first...seriously.)

I'm still have the neuropathy despite the Neurotin but that may be how it is.  A small price to pay for being cancer-free. 

So it's all good.  Stay tuned for another exciting post. :D

Book Review

I've been wanting to write this for some time now so I'm making myself do it right now.  

I'm reading this book called, It Could Be Worst, You Could Be Me by Ariel Leve.  It's essays on how she sees the world.  Most are funny because they are correct. We have a lot in common in many ways.  

One essay is called, I Know You Don't Like Me. Yeah, Leve is pretty direct.  I'm sure she figures life is short, let's get to the point. In this essay she thinks people should just be forthright with their feelings.

She writes, "Think of all the time it would save.  No more lying to get out of a relationship. No more trying to figure out what you may have done to make someone distant or wondering if you're being paranoid.  They wouldn't have to offer a reason.  'I don't like you' is all I need. Knowing where they stand would be enough." I agree with all of this except I'd want a reason.  It doesn't have to be a big reason. But something.  When I was in third grade I was somehow connected to Andrew, a kid in my class.  We'd hold hands as we walked to the lunch room each day. He told me he didn't want to do it anymore because he wanted to be with Christina, another girl in our class.  His reasoning was, she wore a training bra.  Not the best reason but still at least he had a reason, and that made a difference.  One of my biggest pet-peeves is when people make up their mind about me without my input. They can't possibility get it right.  Well, they often do when their thinking is positive but if it is negative, it is no doubt based on misinformation.

One of my favorite essays in the book is about Facebook.  She writes that she joined Facebook under pressure from her friend Sophie.  "'I'm so excited!'" Sophie wrote on her wall. "'Finally!' You'd think I'd gotten engaged."

Leve says Facebook for her, "opens up a whole new world of paranoia.  I always knew I had the potential to alienate people in real life but now I can drive away thousands of people in cyberspace too?"  She writes about her friend Emily who she had been trying to get in contact with. Emily hadn't gotten back to her so Leve assumed she was just busy but then Emily left a status message on her wall saying, "'Emily has just spent eight hours doing nothing and is incredibly bored.'"  Now what?  I'd be hurt too!  I'm as paranoid as Leve.  When I ask someone to be my friend and they don't "friend" me I'm thinking, "what's up with this? She's friends with so and so, what's wrong with me?  Who am I, chopped liver?"  I often end up leaving a message saying "friend me for crying out loud; I'm getting a complex." Usually that does it; we become friends and I'm so happy. :)

She sees FB as a tool to replace email. "Now even texting and phone calls have become a chore.  I'll get through to Madonna before I'll get through to Lisa."  

Facebook does open up an opportunity to find out about the mundane of our friends.  Leve writes, "'Liza is folding laundry.'  I felt so included. God only knows what else I've been missing." I find out a lot about people from their status.

Another essay is about Recycling.  I found this essay especially enlightening.  I had never thought of this..that being childless is a benefit to the environment.  Now I feel better about not having kids.  Leve writes, "Putting fewer people on earth does far more to prevent global warming than buying organic blueberries." She makes a point, so much that I really feel better.  I'm not making trips to soccer games or carting my kids from place to place. I'm not buying non-biodegradable toys, electronic devices or containers. I should get a rebate from the government for my conscientious decision.  Thanks Ariel, I feel so much more superior!

I think I write a lot like Leve but I hold back a lot so I don't offend.  Like the day after my surgery, two ladies from the American Cancer Society came to my room to talk to me about some of the benefits of having cancer; the counseling, literature on the disease and other things that are available to me.  They gave me a cute Teddy Bear too.  I think if Leve got this she'd be thinking about all the germs clinging to this stuffed animal.  She'd be happy for the gesture but disgusted by the contamination collecting on it.  Bringing it to a hospital has to be the worse place.  It crossed my mind but I wouldn't be able to put it in words on my blog...I'd just be thankful for the gesture. :) 


At first I wasn't as impressed with the book but as I got to reading more and more and understanding Leve's personality I loved it.  I highly recommend this book!