Where's the fast forward button?

My "Port-o-matic" has been changed until tomorrow at 3:15. This is good in that i don't have to be at the hospital at 5am but not so good because, well, A. it puts me back a bit and B. I can't eat anything after midnight tonight so by the time my surgery comes around I'm going to be gnawing on some one's elbow. Gawd, where's the FF button when you need it? I know I need to be more grateful; that this could be so much worse. I have to keep reminding myself. I will get through this. I know I will. Just one day at a time.

Adaportome

Hey...it's a new medical term. Okay, I made it up. Add-a-port-to-me....get it? Surgery for this is Friday morning...very early. We have to be at the hospital at 5:30....yeah, yawn but that's okay. It's one step closer to getting my chemo. Yeah!

Some Good News

I got word from my oncologist that the PET Scan shows no other cancer anywhere else except for the right breast. This is good news because now I know what I'm dealing with. I had been agonizing over what if there was cancer in my lungs or my bladder or somewhere else. Your mind just reels when you get the news that cancer is somewhere already in your body. To find out it's no where else is huge! So here's the plan.... I'm getting a port put in this week. I've decided to give my port a name. I'm going to call it my Port of Sanguinity. I should be starting chemo on Friday or Monday and then we're going to shrink this sucker of a tumor in obscurity. Then it will be removed via a double mastectomy. This kind of cancer...Lobular has a greater risk of recurrence so a double is usually the protocol. I have such amazing friends....especially my co-workers. They really rock! My neighbors, the IT department have been so supportive and kind. They have given me funny cards and flowers and prayers and hugs. My good friend who I have known the longest, Liz has been a dear.....she drove me to my MRI, gave me prayers and has called me to check on me. My best friend Jo Jo has listened to me, cried with me and let me pass judgment with relentless abandon. Mary is always checking up on me, getting after me about eating and drinking water. Sheila has given me roses and text messages and constantly forecasting my prognosis. She's very funny too. My Facebook friends have been so super...I can feel their positive energy. So it's onward and upward! I'm going to slay this beast! Stay tuned.

Really good Waffles

I had a dream on Saturday night. In it, my dad was making me waffles. He had some elaborate stainless steel gizmo for waffle making. I can not remember a time in my childhood when my dad ever made me waffles but he made them for me in my dream on Saturday. I don't remember our exact conversation but I do remember the gist of it was this; I was not allowed to join him in heaven yet. It isn't my time yet. He was very clear about this. I woke up Sunday morning and made myself waffles. Nothing elaborate; I just took them out of the freezer and popped them in the toaster but for some reason, they were the best tasting waffles I have ever had.

Part of the Plan

I know with all my heart that God has a plan for me...well for everyone. I know this with all my being. I had a bit of a epiphany recently regarding this.

When Phil lost his job in 09, we were worried sick. There was so many unanswered questions on how we'd survive financially. Would the financial success we had had be totally eliminated while Phil tried to find a job. It was a difficult time...well at the time it was the most difficult. I remember telling Phil we had to put it in God's hands....he would help to take the burden from us and we'd be able to focus on figuring it out without the worry that comes with it. Seven months later, our prayers were answered and Phil got a job.

The first six months at his new job was wonderful....just a huge burden was lifted from our shoulders. Phil was so happy to have a job. He was learning a lot and he was going to school too to continue to learn more. But then after a while, it wasn't so wonderful. It was stressful. Phil was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, no doubt brought on by all the stress at work. He wasn't that Phil; that happy guy...he was moody and in a dark place. He dreaded work; dreaded the stresses it involved. I'm not going to go into detail about what was happening at his job but it wasn't pleasant for him and it was difficult for me to see him go though such a dark time. Again I told Phil he had to put it in God's hands and he would carry the burden for him. I'm not so sure Phil really believed that...but I know I did.

Late last year, when things were getting really awful for Phil, the powers that be at his office offered him an opportunity to changed departments. This meant different work, different supervision, different everything. This came, basically clear out of the blue. Of course Phil took the offer. Yes, his new position has stress, of course, but the change in him is amazing. He is a new man. He doesn't hate going to work. He's happier. He's my old Phil again.

I truly believe, with all my heart, that God knew about my cancer and it was his doing to get Phil into a better place so Phil will be there for me without the added stress of a job he hated. God knew Phil was struggling and he made sure he was in a place more conducive to being there for me. I believe this with all my heart.

Hope gives you faith. Faith allows you to believe. Believing in something gives you life. Don't be afraid to live.

To think I was once flat chested.....

Okay...so we were all flat chested at one time. I remember being flat chested in junior high when shopping for your first bra was a big deal and all my friends (okay both of them) were way ahead of me. I recall being called "Flatsy" in the girl's locker room. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not still injured over that, believe me but at that time, never in my wildest dreams would I think at any time my breasts would grow via the help of a lubular breast tumor. Seriously, the right breast is tumor enhanced. The left side is bogged down by 50 year old elastic skin that I love. It's like Gramma's bosoms, smaller than hers but soft and inviting that says "come here my child, let me make you feel better."

I saw Dr Toma. She's a very nice lady....kind of reminds me of Lilly Tomlin. But here is the plan....first step, I need a PET Scan to be sure the cancer is not anywhere else but on my right breast. This is happening on Monday. Then my cardiologist has to give the okay that my heart is up to chemo treatment. I'm not sure what would happen if it doesn't. Then, I need a port placed in my chest so there's a place to put the chemo into without having to go poking around for veins. I'm not actually sure how the port goes in or where or why but that's all coming.

My biggest concern now is the PET Scan and the results. That's the hurdle I need to clear and then I think it's down hill from there. :)

He actually said, "keep me abreast of your condition."

Yeah, that was my chiropractor. The nut. I called to tell me I might not be in for a while and I explained why. He had the usual response, that he was sorry and praying for me like the sweet guy he is but then..."well, keep me abreast."
"Troy, that's a terrible choice of words," I cried out (not the tearful kind, mind you).
"Yeah, as soon as it left my lips I knew it was wrong but I know you with your dry sense of humor, you'd laugh about it," he said, although I could imagine him turning beat red on the other side of the phone.
"Well, I just had to call you on it." I laughed at him.
"Of course you did."

My goal, in between, tabs of Ambient is to find the humor in this. So many of my friends are counting on it and since they are being so super supportive, I can't let them down.

Tomorrow I see the Oncologist. I'm going to ask for a cocktail that include some happy pills. Really why not? I'll worry about Betty Ford later. I want the anti-nauseating, anti-diarrhea, mood elevating cancer tumor reducing formula cocktail. I'll ask for it. Stay tuned.

Saw the Surgeon

There is a lot of good news...well as good as good can get in this situation anyway. So far the MRI does NOT show the cancer in the left breast or in the lymph nodes. This is super good especially if it stays this way.

This tumor however is very big....about 10 cm which is around 4"...this is in circumference. The surgeon, Ned Hemrick, MD, says to remove this large of a tumor now is asking for trouble; the larger the tumor, the higher the risk of spreading. So my next step is to do chemo first. As I said in my last post, I really was hoping to just get the sucker taken out prompto but that's not going to happen. The thought of harboring a diseased body part around for any time longer than I need to, well, it kind of freaks me out but I guess I'm going to have to learn to ignore it. You know, like when you were kids and you hated being in the same house with your brother, much less the same room but your mother said, "you'll have to figure out a way to co-exist by ignoring each other." Okay, it's not nearly the same since I at not one point really truly hated my brother and I'm sure visa verse but you get the picture.

Dr Hemrick says that he has seen tumors shrink to the point of disappearing; that's how good chemotherapy works. Of course, he is leaving it to my oncologist to discuss with me what will happen to my body as I go through the treatment. I need to do a little more research on that because what I know about it doesn't sound pleasant.

I see Dr Toma, who I am told is the best in Oklahoma, on Thursday afternoon. Despite the unknown, which is the top thing of the things I hate, I'm anxious to get this started. I'm so ready to be on the back side of this.

My family and my friends have been so super super supportive. My Okie friends, people I have just met in the past few years have really be the greatest. I can not tell you how much I love them for being my Okie family. I have family members that live in NY and Florida who are on stand-by to come to help when needed but my Okie friends are here and so generous to help and I love them for that. :)

C is for Courage!

I had my MRI today. (That's me on the right) Nothing too interesting to relate there. The MRI place at The Breast Center is very nice. You get to wear a nice terry cloth robe; not some skimpy paper thing. They give you a low dose Valium which is nice...makes your legs feel a little rubbery. You're laying on your stomach so you're not really feeling all that claustrophobic because your face is seating in a holder like on a massage table. It's loud but you have ear plug and a head set to block out all the banging. I even fell asleep. Before I left the Center, they gave me a packet of materials about my pathology report and other information. The lady told me to review the information tonight so I had some idea what the surgeon was talking about tomorrow. I have to tell you, I have never feared a packet of paper so much in my life. I was absolutely afraid to look at it.

I called Dr Williams' office and asked if he or someone on staff would go over the materials with me because I was just too afraid to do it alone. They welcomed me over. At 4:15 Phil met me at their office. I'm telling you, if you need a GYN and live in Edmond, OK you need to use Noel Williams, MD. He is such a nice doctor; so compassionate and thoughtful. He listened to my questions and gave me answers. I'm happy to say, although this is not the best situation, it certainly isn't the worst either. There is a lot of hope. I lot more than I had thought. First of all, the tumor is lubular which compared to a ductal one is not as bad. Yes, mine is big but because it's lubular, size isn't as much an issue. It would be better if it was "in sitz" but it is invasive so that's not a good thing but if we act quickly....there's still a lot of hope.

For tonight I feel a little better. Tomorrow is the big day. The surgeon will have the benefit of the MRI results. My hope is he'll say, "Let's get you admitted today." Really...I really want this over. Stay tuned.

I guess This is going to be My "C" Blog

Ugh...I'm in a fog. I did accomplish some things today (okay Saturday) but I am wiped out and what goes through my mind is this just the funk of finding out I have cancer or is this really the cancer. I've been wiped out before I knew I had it and I chalked it up to my medications because many are of the kind that will do that but is it that? So many things run through my head.

I can feel something in my breast and it feels pretty big. I'm just praying that isn't the tumor...that the tumor is in there some where nestle in fibroid material. Gawd...this is insane. Yeah, Dr Williams said it is "contained" but it feels so big to me. I really want it gone.

I'm in a weigh loss club at work. I'm pretty sure when I weigh in on Monday, I'm going to be down a few. Between Friday and Saturday, I've consumed 10 Triskets, a bowl of Rice Chex and 1/2 of a turkey sub. I haven't even had a Code Red! Yeah, I think I might kick that soda habit even. I know, I gotta eat. Food just doesn't appeal to me much. I will.

Wake Me Up Please

Well, the results are not good. Aw man. It's so surreal. This doesn't happen to you; it happens to someone else's neighbor's aunt. You hear about it and you are sad and feel real bad but you go back to your life and that's that. But here I am...I've actually said it out loud a couple of times today.."I have breast cancer!" Oh dear God. Give me strength.

The good news is that it appears to be "contained." It isn't in the lymph nodes from what they can tell. I'm not exactly sure how they know that from an ultrasound but they apparently do and for now, I'm going to go with it. The not so good news is that this particular cancer is kind of spotty...it will be in several spots in the breast and a mastectomy is usually the protocol. Losing my breast does not bother me. I mean, I'd rather not but if it lengthens my life, I'd rather spend the rest of my life sans breast than not alive.

The next step is a breast MRI which is scheduled for Monday at 10;30. Then I have an appointment with a surgeon on Tuesday morning and at sometime I will be getting an appointment with an oncologist. I'm still numb right now.

I noticed when I was at work; which is where I was when I got the news that my filter is a little shorter. It's kind of funny actually. I'm a funny person to begin with but now I think I have a license to be even funnier. There's something about a potentially terminal illness (and notice I said POTENTIALLY!!!!! AND I MEAN IT!!!!!) that can allow a person to say what they feel without being as overly concerned about it.

Stay tuned.

Waiting on News

This is the time when I should be writing. Yesterday I had a breast biopsy. I don't know the results yet but this is when I should be writing down what I'm feeling about it. I'm hopeful but I'm scared too because the lump is big..as lumps go, very big. I had gone to my OB GYN guy for my annual check up and he pointed it out. At the time I was laying down and it felt like it was up high, like half way between the areola and the collarbone. He didn't seem too concerned. He just said I need to get a mammagram. As the days ticked away I noticed it was getting lower and bigger. I got the mammagram and an ultrasound and immediately scheduled a biopsy for two days later. Now I wait.

It's amazing how the mind will run around like a crazy person. Of course to write them here would be too hard...it would be like giving someone or something permission to allow them to be real. So I won't. Stay tuned.

Post cards

I found another batch of post cards at the thrift store. I think they must come from an estate sale. Here are a few....

Support

Support comes in many forms. It can hold up your bosom or protect the family jewels. It can be part of an entire system that includes family members, your church, friends and people you pay. There's life support and tech support, moral support, support stockings and child support

When people ask for support, we need to heed their request because usually people who ask for it REALLY need it. Co-workers at the office who ask for it probably don't mean it in a monetary way. So if one calls you and asks you to come into their office because they need support, the Christian thing to do is put down the church web cast your listening to and go give them that needed support. After they share with you the situation, it's probably a good idea to not contradict them, no matter how tempting it may be. If they fear something debilitating is happening to them, for God's sake reassure them that being upset may be magnifying the situation a bit. Show a little compassion. It is NOT your job to do this as a co-worker it is your job as a human being.

Now of course if you really don't like the person who has asked for support and you know they want it, you have just hit pay dirt. Here's your chance to bring them to their knees. You know they are looking for support and they are pretty much expecting it. You can listen to their sob story of growing old and becoming unproductive in this dog-eat-dog world. Then you can just rip the rug out from under them; really knock the wind out of their sails and basically tell them, "well it is what it is....deal with it." Sure, why not?

I'm just saying.

Infidelity

Thoughts on infidelity: on last night's Parenthood, Jasmine won't forgive Crosby for cheating on her. She won't even talk to him. The thing that bothers me is that they had a fight prior to all this and she wouldn't talk to him then. She totally shut him out. He tried to talk to her and she wouldn't have it. This went on for a while. Then he was at a party with an attractive woman he knew, albeit his nephew's therapist, but she listened to him; to all he wanted to say to Jasmine but couldn't and one thing lead to another. It wasn't purely physical, granted, there was a connection deeper than just sex but still his heart belongs to Jasmine.

So what does it say about me that I think Jasmine is wrong. Yeah, granted it probably would have been better if he abstained but he didn't, so let's move on. It grates on me when I see people, usually woman, run away from conflict rather than just deal with it. Yeah, I'm not good with confrontation but once it's commenced, I am. This tearful, "I don't want to talk about it..." crap is just too over the top for me. Shutting people out is not the answer. Okay, you can do it for a day or so but repeatedly isn't going to solve the issue so deal with it.

Now if he's sleeping around just for the sake of sleeping around, that's one thing, but if it's the product of avoidance, well, you're on your own.