No Bra Eating Necessary!

Aw...I got the nicest, most caring friends! I swear I am so blessed. I guess threatening to eat your bra is a call for action for my dear friend Maggie in Western NY. Here's the Edible Arrangement she send me yesterday. Aw man....such great fruit. I tell you, I have lots of it too. There's watermelon, cantaloupe, pineapple, chocolate covered bananas, grapes....it's a fruit orgy. Thank you so much Maggie. Yes, it does help. I can eat this!!!!!

I also got an Easy Button from Arlene from Sweetwater, TX. It's so funny. After I eat something I'm not so crazy about I hit it and it says, "Now that was easy." I'm talking myself into it. I ask Phil do do something and he gets all aspirated because he wants to do something else but he does it and then I hit the button. He loves that. hehe. Thank you so much Arlene for thinking of me! (Phil thanks you too!)

Informing - Bra Eating

Not that I'm complaining....okay, I am but I'm sick of complaining because nobody likes to listen (or read) about the woes of someone who is constantly complaining over and over again about something the listener (reader) can't control. So let's not call it complaining; let's call it "informing."

For those who are healthy, okay everyone has some kind of medical issue, but for those who don't have cancer or those who are not going through chemotherapy here is my first hand description of what chemo does to your eating habits.

When you're not going through chemo you have food cravings. You're at work, it's getting close to lunch time and your brain says, "hmm...what do I feel like eating....hamburger, taco, salad.....aw...salad sounds good, think I'll go over to Applebees and get a nice salad...sounds great..can't wait." Well, when you're on Chemo, you have NO cravings, none! But you're starving. You have no idea what to eat. So you go to your refrigerator and pull out stuff but nothing appeals to you so you have to try something. And you find out you don't like much of anything. You have a few bites of different things but nothing tastes good. The few bites you eat though fill you up and you go back to doing what you're doing. Fifteen minutes later, you're starving again. You already know what you didn't care for so what do you do? You try to make something but you end up wasting food because by the time you're done whipping it up, you find out it's not so good...you eat some anyway because you got to eat something. Food runs your life! Who knew?

When I first found out I had cancer I lost my appetite...didn't get hungry. I think that was better.

I saw on Good Morning America a segment where people have crazy obsessions. One lady had to sleep with her blow dryer (turned on), another eats paper and another eats her bra. Apparently she has to tear her bra open and eat the padding. Sounds pretty bizzard but well, I won't be needing mine in a couple months and it would solve the hunger problem. (Oh, come on, I'm kidding...I know that sounds morbidly sad but it does appear practical, no?) Bahahaahaha.

Remember...just informing.

6 Days after Chemo

Well, I'm getting better. Still feel like Superman bathing in kryptonite; still having a hard time finding foods I like; still aching like a son of a gun but it's getting better! Thanks to all my supporters!

Funny thing about healthcare, Facilities and doctors offices are pretty quick at asking for payment, which is normal, it's a business, I get that but when you over pay...getting your money back...they're not so quick with the reimbursement. I'm talking over a grand is owed to me...well, to Visa and I know my insurance carrier sent them their checks back in May..why it takes them so long to post it to my account? Well, that's a mystery. I've been on the phone with them again with a friendly reminder!

In other news: I just finished reading The Help. It was a great book. I find it fascinating how times have changed. I had no idea as a little girl that discrimination existed. I was just totally oblivious to it. This book is set in Jackson Mississippi where the lines between black and white are well, black and white. The Help is coming out in a movie this summer. Should be interesting.

Sorry but this sucks....

Chemo isn't so bad during the process or even the next day but the next few days after that....aw man...I've been hit by a bus. My energy level is in the toilet. Speaking of which, on the positive side, I haven't been too ill; not like last time. But my desire to eat is limited to foods that are cold and wet....melon, watermelon however finding some that is sweet is a struggle. Foods and drinks are all fuzzy. I mean it. It's like everything has a fuzzy feel to it. Like eating peaches. Aw, it's so crazy. And my joints....well, it this is how arthritis feels; I'm in trouble. Yeah, I know it can be worse and I know I'm almost done....only two more treatments. Praise the Lord!

I GOT STD!

Get your mind out of the gutter....
That's Short Term Disability!
Bahahahaaa.....I really needed that one!

An addition to the I've been Blessed Department

I failed to mention in yesterday's post about a gift I got in the mail last week. Nancy from ALLUNY crochet or knitted me three head huggers to cover my bald head. There's the website where you can see them: http://www.headhuggers.org/patterns/patterns.htm. She made me the Amelia Earhart Aviator Cap in red; the Knit 'Shortie' (I think) in Burgundy and my favorite one is the The 'No-Hair-Day' Hairy Chemo Cap purple. (This woman actually looks like me...well, if you'd thicken her eyebrows a bit in some spots, push her eyes in a little deeper, make her eyelids a little heavier and gave her ears...we'd be twins. :))

Now, I know in the spirit of openness and honesty and bearing my sole...well I have limits. There are some ladies who look good without hair...I mean really good. I'm not being critical when I say, I'm not one of them. That's just honesty. So I'll stick to my wig for the outside world but thank you Nancy for your crafty handiwork. That was so sweet of you! And I have been wearing them around the house. Becca has to take a second look. Bahaha!

Another update

Good News: Dr Toma, The Boob Whisperer, says the tumor is definitely shrinking and she believes that by the time surgery rolls around, it will be just fibrous material. Also my White Blood Count is good...10.3..that's the high side of normal.

Chemo went well. There were issues with my port again...it wouldn't draw at first so I had to get lab done via my arm. When I went back for Chemo, the nurses finally got it working. Dr Toma switched out my anti-nausea medicine because it was making me, well dizzy and nauseous; also we did the Red Devil last. For some reason my Restless Leg Syndrome kicked in and it was hard to stay still so they gave me some kind of drug that relaxes you. It did a good job: took a nice nap too.

Other News: It looks like my surgery will be in the first or second week of August. I won't look like a chicken afterward. Yeah, I actually asked her that. I said, when I eat a chicken breast all that is left is the bone. She said it will be just flat. I seriously doubt I'll do reconstruction this year. Most breast surgeons don't work on radiated tissue. This is because non-radiated tissue can be stretched using expanders that are ballooned up over a period of time and then replaced by implants. Radiated tissue will fall apart if this is tried so pieces of stomach fat (which I have some to spare) have to be used and basically transplanted to the breast area. It's something to really think about. Maybe in December. I'll need to see what the down time is.

In the "I've been Blessed Department": I've gotten some great cards and emails from co-workers and relatives. The IT guys at HPI, especially Nathan and Mike have been super supportive. Thank you guys so much! I'm working on a special masterpiece for them which once they see it, I will share on this blog. Also Phil's cousin, Lois Hayes, back in Western NY, sent me a wonderful card filled with a ton of support and love. She even asked me to hug Becca. (Becca writes an annual holiday newsletter and Lois really gets a kick out of it.) She also made my Nook app on my IPad happy with a gift card from Barnes and Noble. Thank you so much Lois!

So right now, I'm on top of the world. Tomorrow I get my shot and then Saturday and Sunday, well, let's hope for the best!

Who do I think I am? Oprah?

I have spent some time writing about people who have touched me or influenced me in some way but I noticed not nearly as much as those who have wronged me. Why is that? I suppose I expect people to be nice, thoughtful and caring creatures so when they are, it's not a big deal. I really need to change my thinking on this. You know, reinforce the positive and ignore the negative.

Oprah often asks, "if there's one thing I know for sure it's ______?" I would say, I don't have a mean bone in my body. Not a one. My mother always said, and I've blogged about this before that I'm too forgiving. Where the Bible says to turn the other cheek, I've already prepares for the slap.
I know that if I've been wronged, I usually cry or let it go until later after it festers in my brain a while and then I react by writing about it. I try to keep some kind of anonymity but that doesn't always happen. I guess in my mind this is my way of confronting the situation. Nothing I write is mean or nasty; it is the facts as I see them.

Recently I have been told that I have posted something that had hurt someone's feelings. To them I apologize but in my defense, I have to say, whatever it was, it was the truth.
Yes, I live in this dream world where people will read what I write and wonder if the text applies to them and they will change their ways. Sure, why not? Life is full of lessons, why not learn from me? Yeah, who do I think I am, Oprah?

But even Oprah would say being rude (usually the reason I felt wronged) is wrong and not "Being the best YOU." On the positive side, I don't write about people I don't care about...even if they have wronged me.

You know what I really miss?

Here goes....cancer is going to liberate me. It's going to set me free to say what I feel. We all know the cliche' about the longitude of life, so let'er rip.

More than almost anything, I miss being a part of something BIG. Something really big, where everyone had a hand in it; everyone had their mission, their duty and it was going to all come together in one big grand finale and everyone would cheer and do high fives and say, "Great Job!" God it's been so long since I've been a part of that.

I think the last time was probably 1996 when I worked at Jaeckle Fleischmann & Mugel. It's a large law firm in downtown Buffalo. I was the librarian. The library was fairly big; took up space on two floors. This was the year they decided to remodel and re-carpet. There was an empty floor in the building and I was given the space to create a make-shift library during the construction. I put in 70 hours those weeks and I loved it! I had to recreate the libraries so the attorneys could find what they needed quickly using movable book shelves. It was a huge endeavour and I nailed it. My team really came together. It was the best feeling. This is what I miss! I'm trying to think of another time I felt that kind of success.

10 Day Lab work Update!

Yesterday I went to CS for lab work. My numbers look good! They did give me some fluids because I was down a quart or two. (Dehydration) All the side effects are just the way it goes. My best description is this..I'm Superman and everywhere around me resides low to mid-levels of kryptonite. Seriously. It's like when you visit someone in the hospital....all your energies just get depleted when you walk those sterile halls and smell those antiseptic odors of illness. (Yeah, in case you were wondering, I'm taking an on-line creative writing class...LOL)

Remembering Mary Mollie

Five years ago yesterday I lost my mama. When I think of what she endured during the final years of her life I am ashamed of my weakness and admission of that weakness. I know with all my heart that she would not hold my pity parties against me. I know she would not judge me but at the same time, none of what chemo has done to me could come close to the pain she endured.

In 1987, just after Philip and I got married, mom fell outside a restaurant fracturing both legs; one in two places. She spent months is traction but this was only the start of her osteopathic nightmare. Rehabing, fracturing, rehabing, fracturing, was the cycle until her death in 2006. On top of this, she grew to become legally blind. My mama broke just about every bone in her body, some even twice. They say it is the hip that most elderly never recover from: I'm here to say that's true. But my mom never gave up! Never allowed herself a pity party. If I said, "my poor mama," she'd correct me that there were others worse off than she.

I have no right to complain about being nauseated, tired, unable to find something appetizing or bald. I know this can get so much worse. I felt pain in my shin today and thought a stress fracture would really suck right now. And given my gene pool, it's not that far out of the whelm of possibility.
I miss my mama so much. I know if she were alive, she'd be here taking care of me, encouraging me to eat. We'd take naps together but before falling off to sleep, she tell me stories of my youth and we'd laugh and laugh.

I know my mama is up in heaven rooting me on, encouraging me to take one day at a time. "it's all gonna work out!" was her favorite expression and I believe her.

Okay, I'm interrupting my moment of self loathing for some gratitude

My 10 year old tantrum is over for the most part. I've found some food that I didn't love but at least I liked it. I got a few things done.
I have to write about Phil's cousins. Phil has an aunt, Aunt Evie, Mama Mahoney's sister. She had a bunch of kids....like the Waltons only they are The Bergers. They all live back in Western NY. Well, all of them sent me a card or two, shared with me stories of their scrap with cancer and faith and our need to stand together. So on Thursday, I wrote them all a letter, thanking them for their cards, prayers and also giving them a status. I sent out 9 letters on Friday to the Berger girls. On Saturday, I got this beautiful boutique of flowers! I hope they see this blog entry to know how much I loved the flowers too.

Phil has some friends at Hertz too. They have been supportive too. I need to thank Linda DeSpiau, Richard Stockwell and Tim Molnar for their wonderful card. I understand that, although her name wasn't on the card, Stephanie Dolison had contributed to my gift card. That is, they gave me a $100 gift card at Walmart. Not only does this mean I have $100 to spend at Walmart, it means I have something to focus on; gawd...what should I buy? It's endless. It gives me something to dream about. Who knew $100 at Wally World could do that? There are books. There's a DVR player. Aw....as soon as I'm up to it: it's Walmart bound I go. Thank you so much Linda, Richard, Tim and Stephanie!

This is a full fledge Pity Party...

I know what you're going to say, my cancer is under control and all I need to do is endure the next couple months of chemo and its side effects. Don't tell me this....I know! I'm one of the lucky ones because this is going to be cured and eventually become just a faded nightmare but in the meantime...right now, right this second I'm going to belly ache like a ten year old!!!!
Oh crap, I feel like shit! There....sorry, told you I wasn't going to hold back much. Whatever this new shot is doing it's making me twice as sick....pull your hair back, I'm puking in the commode sick....Oh wait....there is no hair to pull back! I take off my glasses and look in the mirror and I see my father! I have my father's forehead and his eyes and I can even duplicate his jesters to a tee: the way we rolled his eyes or shifted indecision under his eye socket by the corners of his mouth. Normally I wouldn't be upset by this, but the man is dead and since I'm not, well that revelation bothers me.

I can't figure out what to eat. My brain wants to set on something, anything that would sound good, feel good but everything seems gross. I liked scrambled eggs but I put a tad too much pepper on them and now anything with pepper grosses me out. I think I want baked potatoes with butter but I can't be sure. I try bites of food and awwwww...it's just disgusting. Food is not my friend. But I know I got to eat.

I'm glad to be off work but hate that my job is apparently running smoothly without me at the helm. I hear of no issues, no concerns. Apparently being "disabled" means you're dead.

I think I'm done. Maybe.

New Update-Good News

Good News: Dr Toma (pictured with me) is very happy with how well the tumor is shrinking! She's ecstatic actually. I'm more cautiously optimistic. I do feel that it is smaller but I'm more scientific in that I want some kind of diagnostic proof. But if Dr Toma is happy; I'm happy.

I had my third chemo yesterday. It wasn't too bad. It seems like the anti nausea drug causes me the most issues. It makes me dizzy and then I feel sick. Then they do the Red Devil chemo which is the one where I have to chew on ice and the ice tastes so salty and that makes me feel even sicker. Fortunately the Red Devil only takes 15 minutes to administer and shortly after that I feel fine. I have two other chemotherapy drugs run through my port after that; Taxotere and Cytoxan. It takes another hour and forty-five minutes.

I was getting the Neupogen shots for seven days after each Chemo but now they have switched me to a different shot called Neulasta. I only need to get this shot once, the day after Chemo and that's it. So this is good news. No more dragging my sorry butt over to CSoOK every day for a week.

So far, I am feeling pretty good. I'm a little tired and nauseated. I just got the shot so I'm sure that will kick in tomorrow more than today. We'll see. Finding foods I like to eat or drink is difficult. Foods that were once so tasty are not. They're bland or salty. I'm down five pounds in the past three weeks. (Although my jeans don't feel that much looser.....what's up with that?)

I am very blessed because there is a ton of hope. I'm going to beat this. It's not going to be no cake walk (what does that really mean?) but it will happen! Stay tuned.

Cancer Break

Bin Laden's Facebook Status:

Just a Commentary: Why me?

There can not be a cancer victim who hasn't asked this question. Well, unless every woman in the past three generations and your siblings have developed breast cancer, and you really expected it, there can't be a breast cancer victim asking what have I done?

Now that I'm off work, it gives me plenty more time to think about this kind of thing. I know there are some who say that I have too many things going on in my head as it is, but this pretty much has taken over. It's hard to not get religious; to wonder if I did something to upset the good guy upstairs. I don't know, maybe calling him the "good guy upstairs" is wrong and deserving of some kind of ailment.

I mean, I was and I generally consider myself a good person. As I kid, I think back to my transgressions and all I can come up with is in kindergarten I stoled Laurie Goodway's little pocket book out of her coat pocket. I remember her crying to the teacher that it was missing and all of us kids having to help look for it. Maybe I got off a little too much on the power; knowing I had done this, caused all the scurry and created Laurie's tears. I had no particular animosity towards her, I just liked the little fish shaped change purse. I never confessed though. I brought the fish purse home and hid it in the bushes by my house. I do not recall that feeling of power being stronger than my feeling of guilt.

I remember stealing grapes from the A&P. I thought I was being very covert and I munched away on grapes while my parents did their grocery stopping. Surely this could not lend itself to a sentence of breast cancer down the road.

I was an okay student.....very shy...very shy. I got bullied a lot in school but it wasn't taken so seriously as it is now. It was a rite of passage mostly....my best defense was to cry. Surely I should have gotten points there...some kind of "get out of a malignancy" card just for enduring the dark times of adolescences. Back then it was just kids being kids and it was your problem if you were the weaker one.

I did get in trouble with the law once when I was 15. So did my father. It's a long story I'll make short but we both got arrested for petty larceny and trespassing. I got a warning as did my dad and a bill for $500 for an attorney. Surely not bad enough for cancer to strike 35 years later.

I think back to before I got married and I don't know of anything I did that could warrant this. When I was 19 years old, I did date a married man which I know is wrong but I still believe it was wrong on his side. I was just a kid and he liked me so overlooking a wife I never had to see didn't seem to be a problem. Like I said, I was just a kid.

So we're up to present day. I've been happily married for almost 24 years. Phil and I haven't cheated on our income taxes, or defrauded anyone; we obey all the rules. We were offended when the City of Edmond gave us a warning because our grass was too long: That's how seriously we take the rules. We've lived a benign life so why the cancer? Just thinking out loud.

Funny Thing about Chemo

The upside to Chemo....all you need to style your hair is a lint roller!!!!Bahahahahhaaa!!!!

(aw....God, that felt good)

Finally I can post..

I have been so doggone tired to even sit at my desk to write an update. This past week has been a rough one. I managed to get to work on Monday and put in almost 7 hours before I had to leave for my shot at Cancer Specialist of OK. It was a struggle.

Tuesday was even worse but I hit 6 hours at work which was my goal, I was so blasted tired. After I got home on both days I took a relaxing pill and slept for several hours only to get up to do a few things and go right back to bed. It's insane how this just wipes you out.

On Wednesday, I met with Liz and Andrea at work and told them I just can't do this. They both agreed that I looked liked I had gotten run over by a bus...okay, they didn't actually say that but it was written all over their compassionate faces. So I'm on medical leave until probably after my surgery which is supposed to happen in August (barring any problems)

On Thursday I slept all day and forced myself to take a bath and get to CCoO for my shot. Once I did, I was back to bed. On Friday, I was so dang tired but I managed to get to CSoO but I had a fever of 101, not huge but this is a big deal for someone on chemo. I had to do blood cultures again via my port that at first didn't want to cooperate but finally it did. Then they had take more blood from my arm and Dr Toma's nurse, Vickie (bless her heart) called me in another round of $42 antibiotics. I don't think I was taking this as serious until Miss Vickie said, "what we're trying to do is keep you out of the hospital." I got even weaker just hearing that. There really was no way I was going to be able to drive home...not unless I had absolutely had no choice. So I called my best friend in the whole world Jo Jo to come get me and take me home. She didn't even bat an eye. Okay, I couldn't see if she batted a lid or not (our phones aren't that techno....heck, she doesn't even text) but she was at CsoO in 10 minutes. She insisted on driving her car even though I warned her that the possibility of unplanned vomiting was always there. She gave me a Walmart Shopping bag to have at the ready. She brought me home, then brought Phil over to get my car. Thanks Jo Jo, you're the bestess

I'm going to post more about being off work and what chemo does to your appetite later. Right now, I'm going to lay down again.

2ND Chemo session down - BIG UPDATE

Before the update, let me take this time to thank all my friends for their wonderful support. I can not believe how great everyone is being, rooting for me and sending me their positive vibs. Seriously, you all rock! In this picture, please see the wonderful Healing Angel Tile my sweet friend Gemma from NY sent me. You might not be able to read it so here is what it says:


Healing Angel

The mission of
this Angel's watch
Is hope we'll find a cure;
For all the ills
that face our lives,
Through faith
we will endure.

Also in the picture is this cool box that my boss Andrea filled with organic lollipops, gumballs, tummy tea, a gift card for Chilis and also shown a journal. Thank you Gemma and Andrea....that was so sweet!

The Update
As you may recall my white blood cell count was up to 33 last week. Well, as time goes by, that drops...a lot. Fortunately it only dropped to 10.3 so I was still on the high side of normal so my chemo did, indeed, happen.

Before that, I met with Dr Toma. She says, based on her observation (no diagnostic measures) that the tumor has shrunk! Good news! I hesitate to get too excited because this is just an observation based on her memory of three weeks ago and given the number of boobs walking through her door each day....it's hard for me to believe I really stand out of the crowd that much. On the other hand, she did tell me today that this is the biggest tumor she has seen since 1994. Seriously! So maybe I do stand out! After she told me that, I wanted so much to ask the outcome of that woman but I was too afraid of her answer, so I didn't.

Now for the plan: I thought I only had four chemo treatments. I was wrong. I will be having a total of 6. This will bring me to July. I will probably have surgery in August and three/four weeks later I will have DAILY radiation for six weeks! Sounds like a pretty rough row to hoe but we're in this to cure it, not just make it feel comfortable.

So far, I feel okay right now. I had a friggin headache all day but it's finally gone. My stomach is doing okay so far but that has a tendency to change fast. This weekend I will be taking it easy. I am so hoping to feel okay for work on Monday but time will tell.

Update

I went to work on Monday for a few hours. It was rough. I wish I was one of these cancer patients who could do Chemo on Friday and be fine by Monday. Okay, I wish I wasn't a cancer patient at all but if I have to be one....a strong one would be best. It's been two weeks since my Chemo and I'm still wiped out by it.

On Tuesday I slept a lot and prepared for a procedure on Wednesday (today) that embarrasses me to no end; to the point I can't even tell you but it has to do with Miralax and gowns that open in the back.

Everyone is telling me to rest; that my body needs rest to fight this crazy thing but the more sleep I get the more I'm not convinced any amount of sleep will make a difference. The only thing it does is make me feel better for a while.

I want to get back to work, to normal even calling and being on hold with Medicare for 35 minutes before a representative is able to help me. I want to get back to my L shaped office, to my desk that sits where the horizontal line meets the vertical; to my noisy printer that sounds like that big truck with the giant wishbone that picks up the dumpster in the parking lot each time I hit print. I want to get back to my file cabinets that I seem to forgot to lock like I'm supposed to. I just want to be normal! If I could go back to that, I'd never complain...EVER!

Family Medical Leave

First, let's start with a disclaimer: I'm not complaining here I'm merely pointing out an oddity about the FMLA rule, okay? I know the government put this act into place to protect me but I find it odd that a good employer who qualifies for the act will ask an employee to sign the papers. A good employer will actually say, "here's the FMLA forms to protect you from us." Please tell me if that seems a little ... off?

The forms will protect a worker from being dismissed if the employee needs to take time off to care for an ill family member or has a baby or has a serious illness themselves. It's a great law but I can't help but wonder when the other shoe will drop. It equals to "sign this form and I won't hit you in the head." When the logical thing to do is just not hit me in the head. I guess I've just been spoiled with good employers all my life.

Now for some non-Cancer chit chat...

In this week's People Magazine, Jennifer Lopez says,

"I feel lucky to be an attractive person, but I've always felt that real beauty always comes from your heart."

When I first read this quote I thought, "kind of arrogant don't you think?" But after giving it some thought I've changed my mind. It's really no different than me saying,

"I feel lucky to be a funny person and I've always thought that real humor comes from your funny bone."

In other news....I can't believe ABC is cancelling One Life to Live. I've been watching this soap since I was 15. Of course only when I was home sick or on school breaks and then during a brief time before the invention of VCRs. I remember Samantha and Will Vernon (brother/sister) and Jenny and Will and Marco, and Karen the hooker who cheated on Dr Larry. Aw...so sad that they are pulling the plug on this one

My brother, Jim and my nephew Jon will be here tonight! Yes, they are staying for a week. I'm so glad they are coming but I feel bad because I'm not really up to do much of the site seeing thing. They understand. They're going to have to do most of their exploring on their own but they're okay with that. Phil was off all week with his surgery so he can't take any more time off either. I have procedures going on this week so if I'm up to doing anything it's going to have to be work. But I'll see them in the evenings. It'll be fun.

White Blood Cells make a rebound

As I posted a few days ago, my white blood cells had dropped to .7 which basically meant my immune system didn't exist. As I reported yesterday on Facebook, my WBC are up! Thanks to those shots I was getting I now have a surplus. The normal high is 10.8...mine is 33.3! Yepper...like three times what I need. This is good news because it means my chemo set for 4/22 should happen. I'm dreading it but I know it has to happen so it's all good. The thing about having a surplus though is that, like having too little, your bones ache. I just keep reminding myself this is a good ache. I did manage to go into work for a couple hours yesterday but by the time I left, I was absolutely exhausted. Getting my sorry butt over to CS was all the energy I could muster. And to top it off my port didn't want to cooperate. Glella, the RN really had to work it to get it to draw but by golly she finally did. Of course the good news about the WBC count made it all worth it. I do not have to go back to CS until 4/22 when I do lab, see Dr Toma and get my next chemo treatment. Today I had to see a Digestive Disease specialist. I have all kinds of fun stuff in store for myself this coming week....things I don't care to go into detail but it has to do with Marilax....Yikes....but it's got to be done and I'd rather do it before chemo than after.

Here's an oldie but a goodie...

I told this joke at CS today. It's such a old one...I think I was telling it when I had surgery in 1979 so I was surprised the nurses there hadn't heard it.

"What does it mean when a nurse has a rectal thermometer behind her ear?"

"Some asshole has her pen..."bhahahahahahahaha.

I know...an oldie but a goodie for sure.

Today I had plans to push myself and go into work for a couple hours then go to CS for my shot. I was concerned I might have a fever still so I decided to go to CS first and get my shot and have my temp taken. Well, my temp was normal but I'm so dehydrated from....yeah, guess what, you can fill in the blank there....that I had to have 90 minutes of fluids pumped through me via my port. Needless to say, I never made it to work.

I'm really hoping to go in tomorrow though at least for a few hours before I get my shot and more lab work. I'd like to see where my white cell numbers are now. Plus I think my blood cultures should be ready to tell me what's going on with why my count is so low despite the shots. I think I'm understanding this all correctly. Guess we'll see.

Man time flies when your white blood cells go into the tank..

From what I understand, a normal healthy person's white cell count should be between 4.8 and 10.8 whatever units they use to measure this. We knew chemo would wreak havoc on mine so the doctor had me get daily shots of a drug designed especially for this purpose...to keep them elevated during chemo. 7 days after chemo and 5 shots later, my number is at .7...yeah...point 7....not even a whole unit! This is not a good thing. The doctor has given me a very strong antibotic that I think is really working. When I was at the CS yesterday, my temp was 102. today it was 99. I don't have the chills either so I do think we're going in the right direction. I'm just going to have to continue with those shots for a few more days. The big plan is to get the white cells back up before the 22nd because they won't do chemo unless they are and holding up this process is NOT in my best interest.

This thing is kicking my ass...

I was really doing so well right after my chemo on Monday. On Tuesday, my stomach wasn't real happy and I was a little tired so I figured, I'd be fine if this is all that happens. Truth is, this is really kicking my ass. Yesterday, I bearly made it through the day...ended up leaving at 2:15 for CSofOK for my shot. I was basically weepy all day...like when you feel so fatigued your either want to laugh or cry but given the pain in my joints I had no choice but to chose the latter. It was like this carrot on the stick dangling in front of me....get the shot, go home, take a Lortab and call it a day. I told Phil I really needed something bad...like a hot fudge sundae from Braums....lactose intolerance be damned. By golly, I deserved it. (And it was so good) If I had to go to work today, there's no way I could do it. The nurses at the CS say next week should be better because the chemo will loose some of it's meanness. God, I hope so. I have one more shot on Monday and then I'm not back there until the 18th for lab work and then the Chemo starts again on the 22nd. So I'll have a little reprieve. I hope.

The truth is....

I've been getting a lot of messages from people who are basically impressed at my positive attitude and good humor during this whole ordeal. The truth is....I really didn't think I had a choice. Honestly. I'm so afraid to turn people away ...for them to start avoiding me, "oh, no there's Eva...I don't want to get into a big long discussion on how her chemo is going." So I feign a lot. Not everything, but a lot.

It's like I'm in my first trimester....everyone is so interested to see how it's going, how I'm feeling but eventually, it'll start to get old and boring to hear how sick I'm getting or how much weight I've gained (or lost) and what the doctor says is going to happen. Of course, with a pregnancy, the outcome is usually positive. Well, the outcome here will be positive too but not something I can take and nurture for 18 years and then send off to college.

The truth is, after only one chemo treatment, I am already exhausted. My joints ache like crazy and if napping were allowed at work, I'd be the poster child for taking good healthy breaks. I will say, I'm not feeling sick much. A few times I did but nothing so bad. Modern science seems to have controlled that part pretty good. My biggest complaint is my joint pain. Between the shots I take and one of the chemos, this is normal and should subside after a few days of each treatment. I learned that today and that was music to my ears.

It was a singing port-a-gram!

I misquoted on my last post. I didn't have a "port scan" it was a "Port-a-gram!" And I'm happy to say, my port was singing! Yep, nothing wrong with that baby. It just didn't want to function yesterday but it's full steam a head. I got my shot for my White Blood count. Apparently, Dr Toma really thinks I need it even though my levels are good at the start. But these three chemo drugs can wreck a little havoc on white blood cells...so it's a good thing we're doing it. Now saying that from a health standpoint is one thing but from a financial stand point....um...not so much. My share...my 20/80 portion of the bill for each treatment is a grand! Yep. It's $5000 a pop! I mean, thank God for insurance. I'm so fortunate to have insurance even if this is taking a huge chunk out of my savings. But still....that's a bitter pill to swallow. That's Green Devil! :) But it's all good! Not complaining, really!

First Chemo is down

Well, it's be a long day. A very long day. But I had my pity party and as my friend Maggie said, I need to put my big girlie panties on and get tough again. It turns out that my Port-o-Matic isn't working as it is designed. The nurses at Cancer Specialists of OK tried every which way to get it to draw blood. I had to look right all the way, then left all the way, then flex my muscles, then stand up, then recycle back. They had three nurses try but it just wouldn't draw blood. The assured me that it could still be used to do the chemo...well, then they said they couldn't do it after all via the port because if it's not drawing, they really couldn't be comfortable running powerful chemicals aimless through my system. For that apprehension I thank them. So, I had to do the chemo the old fashion way...telepathically....just kidding...via my veins.

This is a long process. First I get some anti-nausea medication with some steroids (yeah, there goes my professional status in my chosen sport). Then came the Red Devil. Ryan the RN doesn't like to call it that though because it paints such an ugly picture of this seemly benign drug. Sorry Ryan....it is the Devil. It is, indeed, red and I have to chew on ice during the 15 minute process where Ryan is actually sitting with me administrating this through my IV. It's not just hanging from the IV pole; he's actually pushing it through so he can monitor it; make sure my line is constantly good, that there is a blood back up to prove it. After that, the next drug is a little precarious too but it is allowed to flow freely from my IV. I have a little bell next to me that I have been instructed to "ding" in the event I feel itchy, have intense back pain, or feel anything unusual. Apparently the RNs are conditioned to come a running when I "ding" then. Fortunately, I did not have to check this out firsthand. That drug took 50 minutes. Then the last one took another 45. And then I was done. Yeah.

Tomorrow I have to go back to the hospital for "Port-Scan" to see if the port is working or installed properly. It could be that drawing from it just won't happen but it will still be used for the next three treatments. The scan will tell if things going in are okay even if blood coming out isn't going to happen. It's kind of a bummer because, by golly, I paid good money for that Port, you'd think I'd get what I paid for, by golly. (Someone's goin' get an ass whippin!)

After that I have to go back to the Chemo place and get a shot ...in the stomach...because apparently my white cell count is too low. I'm going to have to have a shot every day until Monday.

I see people today though who I can tell are in worse shape than I am...so I really can not complain. I just have to remind myself of this.

I've been "Portificated"

Port is in. Grrrr....not the most comfortable thing but I'm sure it will feel better once it heals more. It's just a matter of time. At the hospital every nurse asked me my name, date of birth and why I was in the hospital. After the sixth time I told Maurice (Or was in Clarence?) asked me, what is Dr Hemrick doing for you today? I replied, "I'm getting a hysterectomy." Maurice or Clarence looked a little shocked until I said, "April Fools!" Bhahahaaa.... So port is in and my chemo is set for Monday afternoon. I'm getting the mega dose....Red Devil Chemo. I had to pick up my anti-nausea meds today from CVS. There are five of them, one of which is a suppository...good grief! Okay....one day at a time here. Stay tuned.

Where's the fast forward button?

My "Port-o-matic" has been changed until tomorrow at 3:15. This is good in that i don't have to be at the hospital at 5am but not so good because, well, A. it puts me back a bit and B. I can't eat anything after midnight tonight so by the time my surgery comes around I'm going to be gnawing on some one's elbow. Gawd, where's the FF button when you need it? I know I need to be more grateful; that this could be so much worse. I have to keep reminding myself. I will get through this. I know I will. Just one day at a time.

Adaportome

Hey...it's a new medical term. Okay, I made it up. Add-a-port-to-me....get it? Surgery for this is Friday morning...very early. We have to be at the hospital at 5:30....yeah, yawn but that's okay. It's one step closer to getting my chemo. Yeah!

Some Good News

I got word from my oncologist that the PET Scan shows no other cancer anywhere else except for the right breast. This is good news because now I know what I'm dealing with. I had been agonizing over what if there was cancer in my lungs or my bladder or somewhere else. Your mind just reels when you get the news that cancer is somewhere already in your body. To find out it's no where else is huge! So here's the plan.... I'm getting a port put in this week. I've decided to give my port a name. I'm going to call it my Port of Sanguinity. I should be starting chemo on Friday or Monday and then we're going to shrink this sucker of a tumor in obscurity. Then it will be removed via a double mastectomy. This kind of cancer...Lobular has a greater risk of recurrence so a double is usually the protocol. I have such amazing friends....especially my co-workers. They really rock! My neighbors, the IT department have been so supportive and kind. They have given me funny cards and flowers and prayers and hugs. My good friend who I have known the longest, Liz has been a dear.....she drove me to my MRI, gave me prayers and has called me to check on me. My best friend Jo Jo has listened to me, cried with me and let me pass judgment with relentless abandon. Mary is always checking up on me, getting after me about eating and drinking water. Sheila has given me roses and text messages and constantly forecasting my prognosis. She's very funny too. My Facebook friends have been so super...I can feel their positive energy. So it's onward and upward! I'm going to slay this beast! Stay tuned.

Really good Waffles

I had a dream on Saturday night. In it, my dad was making me waffles. He had some elaborate stainless steel gizmo for waffle making. I can not remember a time in my childhood when my dad ever made me waffles but he made them for me in my dream on Saturday. I don't remember our exact conversation but I do remember the gist of it was this; I was not allowed to join him in heaven yet. It isn't my time yet. He was very clear about this. I woke up Sunday morning and made myself waffles. Nothing elaborate; I just took them out of the freezer and popped them in the toaster but for some reason, they were the best tasting waffles I have ever had.

Part of the Plan

I know with all my heart that God has a plan for me...well for everyone. I know this with all my being. I had a bit of a epiphany recently regarding this.

When Phil lost his job in 09, we were worried sick. There was so many unanswered questions on how we'd survive financially. Would the financial success we had had be totally eliminated while Phil tried to find a job. It was a difficult time...well at the time it was the most difficult. I remember telling Phil we had to put it in God's hands....he would help to take the burden from us and we'd be able to focus on figuring it out without the worry that comes with it. Seven months later, our prayers were answered and Phil got a job.

The first six months at his new job was wonderful....just a huge burden was lifted from our shoulders. Phil was so happy to have a job. He was learning a lot and he was going to school too to continue to learn more. But then after a while, it wasn't so wonderful. It was stressful. Phil was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, no doubt brought on by all the stress at work. He wasn't that Phil; that happy guy...he was moody and in a dark place. He dreaded work; dreaded the stresses it involved. I'm not going to go into detail about what was happening at his job but it wasn't pleasant for him and it was difficult for me to see him go though such a dark time. Again I told Phil he had to put it in God's hands and he would carry the burden for him. I'm not so sure Phil really believed that...but I know I did.

Late last year, when things were getting really awful for Phil, the powers that be at his office offered him an opportunity to changed departments. This meant different work, different supervision, different everything. This came, basically clear out of the blue. Of course Phil took the offer. Yes, his new position has stress, of course, but the change in him is amazing. He is a new man. He doesn't hate going to work. He's happier. He's my old Phil again.

I truly believe, with all my heart, that God knew about my cancer and it was his doing to get Phil into a better place so Phil will be there for me without the added stress of a job he hated. God knew Phil was struggling and he made sure he was in a place more conducive to being there for me. I believe this with all my heart.

Hope gives you faith. Faith allows you to believe. Believing in something gives you life. Don't be afraid to live.

To think I was once flat chested.....

Okay...so we were all flat chested at one time. I remember being flat chested in junior high when shopping for your first bra was a big deal and all my friends (okay both of them) were way ahead of me. I recall being called "Flatsy" in the girl's locker room. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not still injured over that, believe me but at that time, never in my wildest dreams would I think at any time my breasts would grow via the help of a lubular breast tumor. Seriously, the right breast is tumor enhanced. The left side is bogged down by 50 year old elastic skin that I love. It's like Gramma's bosoms, smaller than hers but soft and inviting that says "come here my child, let me make you feel better."

I saw Dr Toma. She's a very nice lady....kind of reminds me of Lilly Tomlin. But here is the plan....first step, I need a PET Scan to be sure the cancer is not anywhere else but on my right breast. This is happening on Monday. Then my cardiologist has to give the okay that my heart is up to chemo treatment. I'm not sure what would happen if it doesn't. Then, I need a port placed in my chest so there's a place to put the chemo into without having to go poking around for veins. I'm not actually sure how the port goes in or where or why but that's all coming.

My biggest concern now is the PET Scan and the results. That's the hurdle I need to clear and then I think it's down hill from there. :)

He actually said, "keep me abreast of your condition."

Yeah, that was my chiropractor. The nut. I called to tell me I might not be in for a while and I explained why. He had the usual response, that he was sorry and praying for me like the sweet guy he is but then..."well, keep me abreast."
"Troy, that's a terrible choice of words," I cried out (not the tearful kind, mind you).
"Yeah, as soon as it left my lips I knew it was wrong but I know you with your dry sense of humor, you'd laugh about it," he said, although I could imagine him turning beat red on the other side of the phone.
"Well, I just had to call you on it." I laughed at him.
"Of course you did."

My goal, in between, tabs of Ambient is to find the humor in this. So many of my friends are counting on it and since they are being so super supportive, I can't let them down.

Tomorrow I see the Oncologist. I'm going to ask for a cocktail that include some happy pills. Really why not? I'll worry about Betty Ford later. I want the anti-nauseating, anti-diarrhea, mood elevating cancer tumor reducing formula cocktail. I'll ask for it. Stay tuned.

Saw the Surgeon

There is a lot of good news...well as good as good can get in this situation anyway. So far the MRI does NOT show the cancer in the left breast or in the lymph nodes. This is super good especially if it stays this way.

This tumor however is very big....about 10 cm which is around 4"...this is in circumference. The surgeon, Ned Hemrick, MD, says to remove this large of a tumor now is asking for trouble; the larger the tumor, the higher the risk of spreading. So my next step is to do chemo first. As I said in my last post, I really was hoping to just get the sucker taken out prompto but that's not going to happen. The thought of harboring a diseased body part around for any time longer than I need to, well, it kind of freaks me out but I guess I'm going to have to learn to ignore it. You know, like when you were kids and you hated being in the same house with your brother, much less the same room but your mother said, "you'll have to figure out a way to co-exist by ignoring each other." Okay, it's not nearly the same since I at not one point really truly hated my brother and I'm sure visa verse but you get the picture.

Dr Hemrick says that he has seen tumors shrink to the point of disappearing; that's how good chemotherapy works. Of course, he is leaving it to my oncologist to discuss with me what will happen to my body as I go through the treatment. I need to do a little more research on that because what I know about it doesn't sound pleasant.

I see Dr Toma, who I am told is the best in Oklahoma, on Thursday afternoon. Despite the unknown, which is the top thing of the things I hate, I'm anxious to get this started. I'm so ready to be on the back side of this.

My family and my friends have been so super super supportive. My Okie friends, people I have just met in the past few years have really be the greatest. I can not tell you how much I love them for being my Okie family. I have family members that live in NY and Florida who are on stand-by to come to help when needed but my Okie friends are here and so generous to help and I love them for that. :)

C is for Courage!

I had my MRI today. (That's me on the right) Nothing too interesting to relate there. The MRI place at The Breast Center is very nice. You get to wear a nice terry cloth robe; not some skimpy paper thing. They give you a low dose Valium which is nice...makes your legs feel a little rubbery. You're laying on your stomach so you're not really feeling all that claustrophobic because your face is seating in a holder like on a massage table. It's loud but you have ear plug and a head set to block out all the banging. I even fell asleep. Before I left the Center, they gave me a packet of materials about my pathology report and other information. The lady told me to review the information tonight so I had some idea what the surgeon was talking about tomorrow. I have to tell you, I have never feared a packet of paper so much in my life. I was absolutely afraid to look at it.

I called Dr Williams' office and asked if he or someone on staff would go over the materials with me because I was just too afraid to do it alone. They welcomed me over. At 4:15 Phil met me at their office. I'm telling you, if you need a GYN and live in Edmond, OK you need to use Noel Williams, MD. He is such a nice doctor; so compassionate and thoughtful. He listened to my questions and gave me answers. I'm happy to say, although this is not the best situation, it certainly isn't the worst either. There is a lot of hope. I lot more than I had thought. First of all, the tumor is lubular which compared to a ductal one is not as bad. Yes, mine is big but because it's lubular, size isn't as much an issue. It would be better if it was "in sitz" but it is invasive so that's not a good thing but if we act quickly....there's still a lot of hope.

For tonight I feel a little better. Tomorrow is the big day. The surgeon will have the benefit of the MRI results. My hope is he'll say, "Let's get you admitted today." Really...I really want this over. Stay tuned.

I guess This is going to be My "C" Blog

Ugh...I'm in a fog. I did accomplish some things today (okay Saturday) but I am wiped out and what goes through my mind is this just the funk of finding out I have cancer or is this really the cancer. I've been wiped out before I knew I had it and I chalked it up to my medications because many are of the kind that will do that but is it that? So many things run through my head.

I can feel something in my breast and it feels pretty big. I'm just praying that isn't the tumor...that the tumor is in there some where nestle in fibroid material. Gawd...this is insane. Yeah, Dr Williams said it is "contained" but it feels so big to me. I really want it gone.

I'm in a weigh loss club at work. I'm pretty sure when I weigh in on Monday, I'm going to be down a few. Between Friday and Saturday, I've consumed 10 Triskets, a bowl of Rice Chex and 1/2 of a turkey sub. I haven't even had a Code Red! Yeah, I think I might kick that soda habit even. I know, I gotta eat. Food just doesn't appeal to me much. I will.

Wake Me Up Please

Well, the results are not good. Aw man. It's so surreal. This doesn't happen to you; it happens to someone else's neighbor's aunt. You hear about it and you are sad and feel real bad but you go back to your life and that's that. But here I am...I've actually said it out loud a couple of times today.."I have breast cancer!" Oh dear God. Give me strength.

The good news is that it appears to be "contained." It isn't in the lymph nodes from what they can tell. I'm not exactly sure how they know that from an ultrasound but they apparently do and for now, I'm going to go with it. The not so good news is that this particular cancer is kind of spotty...it will be in several spots in the breast and a mastectomy is usually the protocol. Losing my breast does not bother me. I mean, I'd rather not but if it lengthens my life, I'd rather spend the rest of my life sans breast than not alive.

The next step is a breast MRI which is scheduled for Monday at 10;30. Then I have an appointment with a surgeon on Tuesday morning and at sometime I will be getting an appointment with an oncologist. I'm still numb right now.

I noticed when I was at work; which is where I was when I got the news that my filter is a little shorter. It's kind of funny actually. I'm a funny person to begin with but now I think I have a license to be even funnier. There's something about a potentially terminal illness (and notice I said POTENTIALLY!!!!! AND I MEAN IT!!!!!) that can allow a person to say what they feel without being as overly concerned about it.

Stay tuned.

Waiting on News

This is the time when I should be writing. Yesterday I had a breast biopsy. I don't know the results yet but this is when I should be writing down what I'm feeling about it. I'm hopeful but I'm scared too because the lump is big..as lumps go, very big. I had gone to my OB GYN guy for my annual check up and he pointed it out. At the time I was laying down and it felt like it was up high, like half way between the areola and the collarbone. He didn't seem too concerned. He just said I need to get a mammagram. As the days ticked away I noticed it was getting lower and bigger. I got the mammagram and an ultrasound and immediately scheduled a biopsy for two days later. Now I wait.

It's amazing how the mind will run around like a crazy person. Of course to write them here would be too hard...it would be like giving someone or something permission to allow them to be real. So I won't. Stay tuned.

Post cards

I found another batch of post cards at the thrift store. I think they must come from an estate sale. Here are a few....

Support

Support comes in many forms. It can hold up your bosom or protect the family jewels. It can be part of an entire system that includes family members, your church, friends and people you pay. There's life support and tech support, moral support, support stockings and child support

When people ask for support, we need to heed their request because usually people who ask for it REALLY need it. Co-workers at the office who ask for it probably don't mean it in a monetary way. So if one calls you and asks you to come into their office because they need support, the Christian thing to do is put down the church web cast your listening to and go give them that needed support. After they share with you the situation, it's probably a good idea to not contradict them, no matter how tempting it may be. If they fear something debilitating is happening to them, for God's sake reassure them that being upset may be magnifying the situation a bit. Show a little compassion. It is NOT your job to do this as a co-worker it is your job as a human being.

Now of course if you really don't like the person who has asked for support and you know they want it, you have just hit pay dirt. Here's your chance to bring them to their knees. You know they are looking for support and they are pretty much expecting it. You can listen to their sob story of growing old and becoming unproductive in this dog-eat-dog world. Then you can just rip the rug out from under them; really knock the wind out of their sails and basically tell them, "well it is what it is....deal with it." Sure, why not?

I'm just saying.

Infidelity

Thoughts on infidelity: on last night's Parenthood, Jasmine won't forgive Crosby for cheating on her. She won't even talk to him. The thing that bothers me is that they had a fight prior to all this and she wouldn't talk to him then. She totally shut him out. He tried to talk to her and she wouldn't have it. This went on for a while. Then he was at a party with an attractive woman he knew, albeit his nephew's therapist, but she listened to him; to all he wanted to say to Jasmine but couldn't and one thing lead to another. It wasn't purely physical, granted, there was a connection deeper than just sex but still his heart belongs to Jasmine.

So what does it say about me that I think Jasmine is wrong. Yeah, granted it probably would have been better if he abstained but he didn't, so let's move on. It grates on me when I see people, usually woman, run away from conflict rather than just deal with it. Yeah, I'm not good with confrontation but once it's commenced, I am. This tearful, "I don't want to talk about it..." crap is just too over the top for me. Shutting people out is not the answer. Okay, you can do it for a day or so but repeatedly isn't going to solve the issue so deal with it.

Now if he's sleeping around just for the sake of sleeping around, that's one thing, but if it's the product of avoidance, well, you're on your own.

Saturday!

Saturday! Saturday's all right!

This is what I learned

I'm taking an online class on management. Per this slide, as a manager I am to do the following: I don't know if this is common knowledge.

Sunday Sunday

I've just made a decision. I know that I have kept my blog more of a place for me to capture my opinions on what's going on in my head as opposed to what's really going on in my life. You know the day to day stuff. I'm boring basically NO ONE because...well in order to bore anyone, one has to have readers to bore and since I basically don't...no one is bored. I've decided to change all that. I'm going to write day to day stuff that will really put you to sleep. So, gather round those young'ems who refuse to close their little peepers at night because surely this will do the trick.

It is just after 7pm. I made a pretty good dinner, fried rice and a chicken stir fry. We finished eating about an hour ago. And guess what? I'm hungry again! Yeah, that didn't take long. This morning I made chocolate chip banana sugar-free cupcakes. Okay, they were sugar free until I added the chocolate.

It was a great weekend weather wise...highs in the 70s and the winds for Oklahoma were calm...very calm. I know I should have been out there raking leaves but that didn't happen. I should have washed my car too. I should have taken Becca to the doggy park too. Becca has this amazing ability to make me feel guilty. She wants to go do something so bad. She barks and cries and sings all at the same time because she senses I am leaving and she's right. I am but always to go somewhere where dogs are discouraged...like Wal Mart.

I went to Wal Mart today and I made a deliberate effort to check out what people were wearing. I'm sure you have seen those emails about the people at Walmart. There's even a website: http://peopleofwalmart.tumblr.com/ I have to say, I did find a couple of people that would fit nicely up on the site. I'm kind of surprised. Usually when I get these emails my first thought is that I never see anyone dress so brizzardly but today I did. I think a lot of it comes from heavy set people who refuse to acknowledge the fact that what they are wearing is perhaps a wee bit tight for them; that maybe the term "age appropriate" does apply to them. But, I am by no means a slave to fashion so I think my judgmental muscle is rather lax than most people.