Update

I went to work on Monday for a few hours. It was rough. I wish I was one of these cancer patients who could do Chemo on Friday and be fine by Monday. Okay, I wish I wasn't a cancer patient at all but if I have to be one....a strong one would be best. It's been two weeks since my Chemo and I'm still wiped out by it.

On Tuesday I slept a lot and prepared for a procedure on Wednesday (today) that embarrasses me to no end; to the point I can't even tell you but it has to do with Miralax and gowns that open in the back.

Everyone is telling me to rest; that my body needs rest to fight this crazy thing but the more sleep I get the more I'm not convinced any amount of sleep will make a difference. The only thing it does is make me feel better for a while.

I want to get back to work, to normal even calling and being on hold with Medicare for 35 minutes before a representative is able to help me. I want to get back to my L shaped office, to my desk that sits where the horizontal line meets the vertical; to my noisy printer that sounds like that big truck with the giant wishbone that picks up the dumpster in the parking lot each time I hit print. I want to get back to my file cabinets that I seem to forgot to lock like I'm supposed to. I just want to be normal! If I could go back to that, I'd never complain...EVER!

Family Medical Leave

First, let's start with a disclaimer: I'm not complaining here I'm merely pointing out an oddity about the FMLA rule, okay? I know the government put this act into place to protect me but I find it odd that a good employer who qualifies for the act will ask an employee to sign the papers. A good employer will actually say, "here's the FMLA forms to protect you from us." Please tell me if that seems a little ... off?

The forms will protect a worker from being dismissed if the employee needs to take time off to care for an ill family member or has a baby or has a serious illness themselves. It's a great law but I can't help but wonder when the other shoe will drop. It equals to "sign this form and I won't hit you in the head." When the logical thing to do is just not hit me in the head. I guess I've just been spoiled with good employers all my life.

Now for some non-Cancer chit chat...

In this week's People Magazine, Jennifer Lopez says,

"I feel lucky to be an attractive person, but I've always felt that real beauty always comes from your heart."

When I first read this quote I thought, "kind of arrogant don't you think?" But after giving it some thought I've changed my mind. It's really no different than me saying,

"I feel lucky to be a funny person and I've always thought that real humor comes from your funny bone."

In other news....I can't believe ABC is cancelling One Life to Live. I've been watching this soap since I was 15. Of course only when I was home sick or on school breaks and then during a brief time before the invention of VCRs. I remember Samantha and Will Vernon (brother/sister) and Jenny and Will and Marco, and Karen the hooker who cheated on Dr Larry. Aw...so sad that they are pulling the plug on this one

My brother, Jim and my nephew Jon will be here tonight! Yes, they are staying for a week. I'm so glad they are coming but I feel bad because I'm not really up to do much of the site seeing thing. They understand. They're going to have to do most of their exploring on their own but they're okay with that. Phil was off all week with his surgery so he can't take any more time off either. I have procedures going on this week so if I'm up to doing anything it's going to have to be work. But I'll see them in the evenings. It'll be fun.

White Blood Cells make a rebound

As I posted a few days ago, my white blood cells had dropped to .7 which basically meant my immune system didn't exist. As I reported yesterday on Facebook, my WBC are up! Thanks to those shots I was getting I now have a surplus. The normal high is 10.8...mine is 33.3! Yepper...like three times what I need. This is good news because it means my chemo set for 4/22 should happen. I'm dreading it but I know it has to happen so it's all good. The thing about having a surplus though is that, like having too little, your bones ache. I just keep reminding myself this is a good ache. I did manage to go into work for a couple hours yesterday but by the time I left, I was absolutely exhausted. Getting my sorry butt over to CS was all the energy I could muster. And to top it off my port didn't want to cooperate. Glella, the RN really had to work it to get it to draw but by golly she finally did. Of course the good news about the WBC count made it all worth it. I do not have to go back to CS until 4/22 when I do lab, see Dr Toma and get my next chemo treatment. Today I had to see a Digestive Disease specialist. I have all kinds of fun stuff in store for myself this coming week....things I don't care to go into detail but it has to do with Marilax....Yikes....but it's got to be done and I'd rather do it before chemo than after.

Here's an oldie but a goodie...

I told this joke at CS today. It's such a old one...I think I was telling it when I had surgery in 1979 so I was surprised the nurses there hadn't heard it.

"What does it mean when a nurse has a rectal thermometer behind her ear?"

"Some asshole has her pen..."bhahahahahahahaha.

I know...an oldie but a goodie for sure.

Today I had plans to push myself and go into work for a couple hours then go to CS for my shot. I was concerned I might have a fever still so I decided to go to CS first and get my shot and have my temp taken. Well, my temp was normal but I'm so dehydrated from....yeah, guess what, you can fill in the blank there....that I had to have 90 minutes of fluids pumped through me via my port. Needless to say, I never made it to work.

I'm really hoping to go in tomorrow though at least for a few hours before I get my shot and more lab work. I'd like to see where my white cell numbers are now. Plus I think my blood cultures should be ready to tell me what's going on with why my count is so low despite the shots. I think I'm understanding this all correctly. Guess we'll see.

Man time flies when your white blood cells go into the tank..

From what I understand, a normal healthy person's white cell count should be between 4.8 and 10.8 whatever units they use to measure this. We knew chemo would wreak havoc on mine so the doctor had me get daily shots of a drug designed especially for this purpose...to keep them elevated during chemo. 7 days after chemo and 5 shots later, my number is at .7...yeah...point 7....not even a whole unit! This is not a good thing. The doctor has given me a very strong antibotic that I think is really working. When I was at the CS yesterday, my temp was 102. today it was 99. I don't have the chills either so I do think we're going in the right direction. I'm just going to have to continue with those shots for a few more days. The big plan is to get the white cells back up before the 22nd because they won't do chemo unless they are and holding up this process is NOT in my best interest.

This thing is kicking my ass...

I was really doing so well right after my chemo on Monday. On Tuesday, my stomach wasn't real happy and I was a little tired so I figured, I'd be fine if this is all that happens. Truth is, this is really kicking my ass. Yesterday, I bearly made it through the day...ended up leaving at 2:15 for CSofOK for my shot. I was basically weepy all day...like when you feel so fatigued your either want to laugh or cry but given the pain in my joints I had no choice but to chose the latter. It was like this carrot on the stick dangling in front of me....get the shot, go home, take a Lortab and call it a day. I told Phil I really needed something bad...like a hot fudge sundae from Braums....lactose intolerance be damned. By golly, I deserved it. (And it was so good) If I had to go to work today, there's no way I could do it. The nurses at the CS say next week should be better because the chemo will loose some of it's meanness. God, I hope so. I have one more shot on Monday and then I'm not back there until the 18th for lab work and then the Chemo starts again on the 22nd. So I'll have a little reprieve. I hope.

The truth is....

I've been getting a lot of messages from people who are basically impressed at my positive attitude and good humor during this whole ordeal. The truth is....I really didn't think I had a choice. Honestly. I'm so afraid to turn people away ...for them to start avoiding me, "oh, no there's Eva...I don't want to get into a big long discussion on how her chemo is going." So I feign a lot. Not everything, but a lot.

It's like I'm in my first trimester....everyone is so interested to see how it's going, how I'm feeling but eventually, it'll start to get old and boring to hear how sick I'm getting or how much weight I've gained (or lost) and what the doctor says is going to happen. Of course, with a pregnancy, the outcome is usually positive. Well, the outcome here will be positive too but not something I can take and nurture for 18 years and then send off to college.

The truth is, after only one chemo treatment, I am already exhausted. My joints ache like crazy and if napping were allowed at work, I'd be the poster child for taking good healthy breaks. I will say, I'm not feeling sick much. A few times I did but nothing so bad. Modern science seems to have controlled that part pretty good. My biggest complaint is my joint pain. Between the shots I take and one of the chemos, this is normal and should subside after a few days of each treatment. I learned that today and that was music to my ears.

It was a singing port-a-gram!

I misquoted on my last post. I didn't have a "port scan" it was a "Port-a-gram!" And I'm happy to say, my port was singing! Yep, nothing wrong with that baby. It just didn't want to function yesterday but it's full steam a head. I got my shot for my White Blood count. Apparently, Dr Toma really thinks I need it even though my levels are good at the start. But these three chemo drugs can wreck a little havoc on white blood cells...so it's a good thing we're doing it. Now saying that from a health standpoint is one thing but from a financial stand point....um...not so much. My share...my 20/80 portion of the bill for each treatment is a grand! Yep. It's $5000 a pop! I mean, thank God for insurance. I'm so fortunate to have insurance even if this is taking a huge chunk out of my savings. But still....that's a bitter pill to swallow. That's Green Devil! :) But it's all good! Not complaining, really!

First Chemo is down

Well, it's be a long day. A very long day. But I had my pity party and as my friend Maggie said, I need to put my big girlie panties on and get tough again. It turns out that my Port-o-Matic isn't working as it is designed. The nurses at Cancer Specialists of OK tried every which way to get it to draw blood. I had to look right all the way, then left all the way, then flex my muscles, then stand up, then recycle back. They had three nurses try but it just wouldn't draw blood. The assured me that it could still be used to do the chemo...well, then they said they couldn't do it after all via the port because if it's not drawing, they really couldn't be comfortable running powerful chemicals aimless through my system. For that apprehension I thank them. So, I had to do the chemo the old fashion way...telepathically....just kidding...via my veins.

This is a long process. First I get some anti-nausea medication with some steroids (yeah, there goes my professional status in my chosen sport). Then came the Red Devil. Ryan the RN doesn't like to call it that though because it paints such an ugly picture of this seemly benign drug. Sorry Ryan....it is the Devil. It is, indeed, red and I have to chew on ice during the 15 minute process where Ryan is actually sitting with me administrating this through my IV. It's not just hanging from the IV pole; he's actually pushing it through so he can monitor it; make sure my line is constantly good, that there is a blood back up to prove it. After that, the next drug is a little precarious too but it is allowed to flow freely from my IV. I have a little bell next to me that I have been instructed to "ding" in the event I feel itchy, have intense back pain, or feel anything unusual. Apparently the RNs are conditioned to come a running when I "ding" then. Fortunately, I did not have to check this out firsthand. That drug took 50 minutes. Then the last one took another 45. And then I was done. Yeah.

Tomorrow I have to go back to the hospital for "Port-Scan" to see if the port is working or installed properly. It could be that drawing from it just won't happen but it will still be used for the next three treatments. The scan will tell if things going in are okay even if blood coming out isn't going to happen. It's kind of a bummer because, by golly, I paid good money for that Port, you'd think I'd get what I paid for, by golly. (Someone's goin' get an ass whippin!)

After that I have to go back to the Chemo place and get a shot ...in the stomach...because apparently my white cell count is too low. I'm going to have to have a shot every day until Monday.

I see people today though who I can tell are in worse shape than I am...so I really can not complain. I just have to remind myself of this.

I've been "Portificated"

Port is in. Grrrr....not the most comfortable thing but I'm sure it will feel better once it heals more. It's just a matter of time. At the hospital every nurse asked me my name, date of birth and why I was in the hospital. After the sixth time I told Maurice (Or was in Clarence?) asked me, what is Dr Hemrick doing for you today? I replied, "I'm getting a hysterectomy." Maurice or Clarence looked a little shocked until I said, "April Fools!" Bhahahaaa.... So port is in and my chemo is set for Monday afternoon. I'm getting the mega dose....Red Devil Chemo. I had to pick up my anti-nausea meds today from CVS. There are five of them, one of which is a suppository...good grief! Okay....one day at a time here. Stay tuned.

Where's the fast forward button?

My "Port-o-matic" has been changed until tomorrow at 3:15. This is good in that i don't have to be at the hospital at 5am but not so good because, well, A. it puts me back a bit and B. I can't eat anything after midnight tonight so by the time my surgery comes around I'm going to be gnawing on some one's elbow. Gawd, where's the FF button when you need it? I know I need to be more grateful; that this could be so much worse. I have to keep reminding myself. I will get through this. I know I will. Just one day at a time.

Adaportome

Hey...it's a new medical term. Okay, I made it up. Add-a-port-to-me....get it? Surgery for this is Friday morning...very early. We have to be at the hospital at 5:30....yeah, yawn but that's okay. It's one step closer to getting my chemo. Yeah!

Some Good News

I got word from my oncologist that the PET Scan shows no other cancer anywhere else except for the right breast. This is good news because now I know what I'm dealing with. I had been agonizing over what if there was cancer in my lungs or my bladder or somewhere else. Your mind just reels when you get the news that cancer is somewhere already in your body. To find out it's no where else is huge! So here's the plan.... I'm getting a port put in this week. I've decided to give my port a name. I'm going to call it my Port of Sanguinity. I should be starting chemo on Friday or Monday and then we're going to shrink this sucker of a tumor in obscurity. Then it will be removed via a double mastectomy. This kind of cancer...Lobular has a greater risk of recurrence so a double is usually the protocol. I have such amazing friends....especially my co-workers. They really rock! My neighbors, the IT department have been so supportive and kind. They have given me funny cards and flowers and prayers and hugs. My good friend who I have known the longest, Liz has been a dear.....she drove me to my MRI, gave me prayers and has called me to check on me. My best friend Jo Jo has listened to me, cried with me and let me pass judgment with relentless abandon. Mary is always checking up on me, getting after me about eating and drinking water. Sheila has given me roses and text messages and constantly forecasting my prognosis. She's very funny too. My Facebook friends have been so super...I can feel their positive energy. So it's onward and upward! I'm going to slay this beast! Stay tuned.

Really good Waffles

I had a dream on Saturday night. In it, my dad was making me waffles. He had some elaborate stainless steel gizmo for waffle making. I can not remember a time in my childhood when my dad ever made me waffles but he made them for me in my dream on Saturday. I don't remember our exact conversation but I do remember the gist of it was this; I was not allowed to join him in heaven yet. It isn't my time yet. He was very clear about this. I woke up Sunday morning and made myself waffles. Nothing elaborate; I just took them out of the freezer and popped them in the toaster but for some reason, they were the best tasting waffles I have ever had.

Part of the Plan

I know with all my heart that God has a plan for me...well for everyone. I know this with all my being. I had a bit of a epiphany recently regarding this.

When Phil lost his job in 09, we were worried sick. There was so many unanswered questions on how we'd survive financially. Would the financial success we had had be totally eliminated while Phil tried to find a job. It was a difficult time...well at the time it was the most difficult. I remember telling Phil we had to put it in God's hands....he would help to take the burden from us and we'd be able to focus on figuring it out without the worry that comes with it. Seven months later, our prayers were answered and Phil got a job.

The first six months at his new job was wonderful....just a huge burden was lifted from our shoulders. Phil was so happy to have a job. He was learning a lot and he was going to school too to continue to learn more. But then after a while, it wasn't so wonderful. It was stressful. Phil was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, no doubt brought on by all the stress at work. He wasn't that Phil; that happy guy...he was moody and in a dark place. He dreaded work; dreaded the stresses it involved. I'm not going to go into detail about what was happening at his job but it wasn't pleasant for him and it was difficult for me to see him go though such a dark time. Again I told Phil he had to put it in God's hands and he would carry the burden for him. I'm not so sure Phil really believed that...but I know I did.

Late last year, when things were getting really awful for Phil, the powers that be at his office offered him an opportunity to changed departments. This meant different work, different supervision, different everything. This came, basically clear out of the blue. Of course Phil took the offer. Yes, his new position has stress, of course, but the change in him is amazing. He is a new man. He doesn't hate going to work. He's happier. He's my old Phil again.

I truly believe, with all my heart, that God knew about my cancer and it was his doing to get Phil into a better place so Phil will be there for me without the added stress of a job he hated. God knew Phil was struggling and he made sure he was in a place more conducive to being there for me. I believe this with all my heart.

Hope gives you faith. Faith allows you to believe. Believing in something gives you life. Don't be afraid to live.

To think I was once flat chested.....

Okay...so we were all flat chested at one time. I remember being flat chested in junior high when shopping for your first bra was a big deal and all my friends (okay both of them) were way ahead of me. I recall being called "Flatsy" in the girl's locker room. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not still injured over that, believe me but at that time, never in my wildest dreams would I think at any time my breasts would grow via the help of a lubular breast tumor. Seriously, the right breast is tumor enhanced. The left side is bogged down by 50 year old elastic skin that I love. It's like Gramma's bosoms, smaller than hers but soft and inviting that says "come here my child, let me make you feel better."

I saw Dr Toma. She's a very nice lady....kind of reminds me of Lilly Tomlin. But here is the plan....first step, I need a PET Scan to be sure the cancer is not anywhere else but on my right breast. This is happening on Monday. Then my cardiologist has to give the okay that my heart is up to chemo treatment. I'm not sure what would happen if it doesn't. Then, I need a port placed in my chest so there's a place to put the chemo into without having to go poking around for veins. I'm not actually sure how the port goes in or where or why but that's all coming.

My biggest concern now is the PET Scan and the results. That's the hurdle I need to clear and then I think it's down hill from there. :)

He actually said, "keep me abreast of your condition."

Yeah, that was my chiropractor. The nut. I called to tell me I might not be in for a while and I explained why. He had the usual response, that he was sorry and praying for me like the sweet guy he is but then..."well, keep me abreast."
"Troy, that's a terrible choice of words," I cried out (not the tearful kind, mind you).
"Yeah, as soon as it left my lips I knew it was wrong but I know you with your dry sense of humor, you'd laugh about it," he said, although I could imagine him turning beat red on the other side of the phone.
"Well, I just had to call you on it." I laughed at him.
"Of course you did."

My goal, in between, tabs of Ambient is to find the humor in this. So many of my friends are counting on it and since they are being so super supportive, I can't let them down.

Tomorrow I see the Oncologist. I'm going to ask for a cocktail that include some happy pills. Really why not? I'll worry about Betty Ford later. I want the anti-nauseating, anti-diarrhea, mood elevating cancer tumor reducing formula cocktail. I'll ask for it. Stay tuned.

Saw the Surgeon

There is a lot of good news...well as good as good can get in this situation anyway. So far the MRI does NOT show the cancer in the left breast or in the lymph nodes. This is super good especially if it stays this way.

This tumor however is very big....about 10 cm which is around 4"...this is in circumference. The surgeon, Ned Hemrick, MD, says to remove this large of a tumor now is asking for trouble; the larger the tumor, the higher the risk of spreading. So my next step is to do chemo first. As I said in my last post, I really was hoping to just get the sucker taken out prompto but that's not going to happen. The thought of harboring a diseased body part around for any time longer than I need to, well, it kind of freaks me out but I guess I'm going to have to learn to ignore it. You know, like when you were kids and you hated being in the same house with your brother, much less the same room but your mother said, "you'll have to figure out a way to co-exist by ignoring each other." Okay, it's not nearly the same since I at not one point really truly hated my brother and I'm sure visa verse but you get the picture.

Dr Hemrick says that he has seen tumors shrink to the point of disappearing; that's how good chemotherapy works. Of course, he is leaving it to my oncologist to discuss with me what will happen to my body as I go through the treatment. I need to do a little more research on that because what I know about it doesn't sound pleasant.

I see Dr Toma, who I am told is the best in Oklahoma, on Thursday afternoon. Despite the unknown, which is the top thing of the things I hate, I'm anxious to get this started. I'm so ready to be on the back side of this.

My family and my friends have been so super super supportive. My Okie friends, people I have just met in the past few years have really be the greatest. I can not tell you how much I love them for being my Okie family. I have family members that live in NY and Florida who are on stand-by to come to help when needed but my Okie friends are here and so generous to help and I love them for that. :)

C is for Courage!

I had my MRI today. (That's me on the right) Nothing too interesting to relate there. The MRI place at The Breast Center is very nice. You get to wear a nice terry cloth robe; not some skimpy paper thing. They give you a low dose Valium which is nice...makes your legs feel a little rubbery. You're laying on your stomach so you're not really feeling all that claustrophobic because your face is seating in a holder like on a massage table. It's loud but you have ear plug and a head set to block out all the banging. I even fell asleep. Before I left the Center, they gave me a packet of materials about my pathology report and other information. The lady told me to review the information tonight so I had some idea what the surgeon was talking about tomorrow. I have to tell you, I have never feared a packet of paper so much in my life. I was absolutely afraid to look at it.

I called Dr Williams' office and asked if he or someone on staff would go over the materials with me because I was just too afraid to do it alone. They welcomed me over. At 4:15 Phil met me at their office. I'm telling you, if you need a GYN and live in Edmond, OK you need to use Noel Williams, MD. He is such a nice doctor; so compassionate and thoughtful. He listened to my questions and gave me answers. I'm happy to say, although this is not the best situation, it certainly isn't the worst either. There is a lot of hope. I lot more than I had thought. First of all, the tumor is lubular which compared to a ductal one is not as bad. Yes, mine is big but because it's lubular, size isn't as much an issue. It would be better if it was "in sitz" but it is invasive so that's not a good thing but if we act quickly....there's still a lot of hope.

For tonight I feel a little better. Tomorrow is the big day. The surgeon will have the benefit of the MRI results. My hope is he'll say, "Let's get you admitted today." Really...I really want this over. Stay tuned.

I guess This is going to be My "C" Blog

Ugh...I'm in a fog. I did accomplish some things today (okay Saturday) but I am wiped out and what goes through my mind is this just the funk of finding out I have cancer or is this really the cancer. I've been wiped out before I knew I had it and I chalked it up to my medications because many are of the kind that will do that but is it that? So many things run through my head.

I can feel something in my breast and it feels pretty big. I'm just praying that isn't the tumor...that the tumor is in there some where nestle in fibroid material. Gawd...this is insane. Yeah, Dr Williams said it is "contained" but it feels so big to me. I really want it gone.

I'm in a weigh loss club at work. I'm pretty sure when I weigh in on Monday, I'm going to be down a few. Between Friday and Saturday, I've consumed 10 Triskets, a bowl of Rice Chex and 1/2 of a turkey sub. I haven't even had a Code Red! Yeah, I think I might kick that soda habit even. I know, I gotta eat. Food just doesn't appeal to me much. I will.

Wake Me Up Please

Well, the results are not good. Aw man. It's so surreal. This doesn't happen to you; it happens to someone else's neighbor's aunt. You hear about it and you are sad and feel real bad but you go back to your life and that's that. But here I am...I've actually said it out loud a couple of times today.."I have breast cancer!" Oh dear God. Give me strength.

The good news is that it appears to be "contained." It isn't in the lymph nodes from what they can tell. I'm not exactly sure how they know that from an ultrasound but they apparently do and for now, I'm going to go with it. The not so good news is that this particular cancer is kind of spotty...it will be in several spots in the breast and a mastectomy is usually the protocol. Losing my breast does not bother me. I mean, I'd rather not but if it lengthens my life, I'd rather spend the rest of my life sans breast than not alive.

The next step is a breast MRI which is scheduled for Monday at 10;30. Then I have an appointment with a surgeon on Tuesday morning and at sometime I will be getting an appointment with an oncologist. I'm still numb right now.

I noticed when I was at work; which is where I was when I got the news that my filter is a little shorter. It's kind of funny actually. I'm a funny person to begin with but now I think I have a license to be even funnier. There's something about a potentially terminal illness (and notice I said POTENTIALLY!!!!! AND I MEAN IT!!!!!) that can allow a person to say what they feel without being as overly concerned about it.

Stay tuned.

Waiting on News

This is the time when I should be writing. Yesterday I had a breast biopsy. I don't know the results yet but this is when I should be writing down what I'm feeling about it. I'm hopeful but I'm scared too because the lump is big..as lumps go, very big. I had gone to my OB GYN guy for my annual check up and he pointed it out. At the time I was laying down and it felt like it was up high, like half way between the areola and the collarbone. He didn't seem too concerned. He just said I need to get a mammagram. As the days ticked away I noticed it was getting lower and bigger. I got the mammagram and an ultrasound and immediately scheduled a biopsy for two days later. Now I wait.

It's amazing how the mind will run around like a crazy person. Of course to write them here would be too hard...it would be like giving someone or something permission to allow them to be real. So I won't. Stay tuned.

Post cards

I found another batch of post cards at the thrift store. I think they must come from an estate sale. Here are a few....

Support

Support comes in many forms. It can hold up your bosom or protect the family jewels. It can be part of an entire system that includes family members, your church, friends and people you pay. There's life support and tech support, moral support, support stockings and child support

When people ask for support, we need to heed their request because usually people who ask for it REALLY need it. Co-workers at the office who ask for it probably don't mean it in a monetary way. So if one calls you and asks you to come into their office because they need support, the Christian thing to do is put down the church web cast your listening to and go give them that needed support. After they share with you the situation, it's probably a good idea to not contradict them, no matter how tempting it may be. If they fear something debilitating is happening to them, for God's sake reassure them that being upset may be magnifying the situation a bit. Show a little compassion. It is NOT your job to do this as a co-worker it is your job as a human being.

Now of course if you really don't like the person who has asked for support and you know they want it, you have just hit pay dirt. Here's your chance to bring them to their knees. You know they are looking for support and they are pretty much expecting it. You can listen to their sob story of growing old and becoming unproductive in this dog-eat-dog world. Then you can just rip the rug out from under them; really knock the wind out of their sails and basically tell them, "well it is what it is....deal with it." Sure, why not?

I'm just saying.

Infidelity

Thoughts on infidelity: on last night's Parenthood, Jasmine won't forgive Crosby for cheating on her. She won't even talk to him. The thing that bothers me is that they had a fight prior to all this and she wouldn't talk to him then. She totally shut him out. He tried to talk to her and she wouldn't have it. This went on for a while. Then he was at a party with an attractive woman he knew, albeit his nephew's therapist, but she listened to him; to all he wanted to say to Jasmine but couldn't and one thing lead to another. It wasn't purely physical, granted, there was a connection deeper than just sex but still his heart belongs to Jasmine.

So what does it say about me that I think Jasmine is wrong. Yeah, granted it probably would have been better if he abstained but he didn't, so let's move on. It grates on me when I see people, usually woman, run away from conflict rather than just deal with it. Yeah, I'm not good with confrontation but once it's commenced, I am. This tearful, "I don't want to talk about it..." crap is just too over the top for me. Shutting people out is not the answer. Okay, you can do it for a day or so but repeatedly isn't going to solve the issue so deal with it.

Now if he's sleeping around just for the sake of sleeping around, that's one thing, but if it's the product of avoidance, well, you're on your own.

Saturday!

Saturday! Saturday's all right!

This is what I learned

I'm taking an online class on management. Per this slide, as a manager I am to do the following: I don't know if this is common knowledge.

Sunday Sunday

I've just made a decision. I know that I have kept my blog more of a place for me to capture my opinions on what's going on in my head as opposed to what's really going on in my life. You know the day to day stuff. I'm boring basically NO ONE because...well in order to bore anyone, one has to have readers to bore and since I basically don't...no one is bored. I've decided to change all that. I'm going to write day to day stuff that will really put you to sleep. So, gather round those young'ems who refuse to close their little peepers at night because surely this will do the trick.

It is just after 7pm. I made a pretty good dinner, fried rice and a chicken stir fry. We finished eating about an hour ago. And guess what? I'm hungry again! Yeah, that didn't take long. This morning I made chocolate chip banana sugar-free cupcakes. Okay, they were sugar free until I added the chocolate.

It was a great weekend weather wise...highs in the 70s and the winds for Oklahoma were calm...very calm. I know I should have been out there raking leaves but that didn't happen. I should have washed my car too. I should have taken Becca to the doggy park too. Becca has this amazing ability to make me feel guilty. She wants to go do something so bad. She barks and cries and sings all at the same time because she senses I am leaving and she's right. I am but always to go somewhere where dogs are discouraged...like Wal Mart.

I went to Wal Mart today and I made a deliberate effort to check out what people were wearing. I'm sure you have seen those emails about the people at Walmart. There's even a website: http://peopleofwalmart.tumblr.com/ I have to say, I did find a couple of people that would fit nicely up on the site. I'm kind of surprised. Usually when I get these emails my first thought is that I never see anyone dress so brizzardly but today I did. I think a lot of it comes from heavy set people who refuse to acknowledge the fact that what they are wearing is perhaps a wee bit tight for them; that maybe the term "age appropriate" does apply to them. But, I am by no means a slave to fashion so I think my judgmental muscle is rather lax than most people.

Just some thoughts....

Like I have posted on or around this day in the past four years, today would have been my mom's birthday. She and her sister would have been 76. I am sure they had a great party up in heaven. I know, many would say that kind of thing doesn't go on up there; that nothing up there has anything to do with what it was like down here for those who have passed. I just refuse to believe it. I am so sure that my mom and my Aunt Marie are celebrating with all their family who have joined them. The thing is, there are a lot more souls up there than down here....heaven's getting a little top heavy, I'm sure. My mom (and Aunt) have a brother and a sister down on earth....of their entire family that is it. Everyone has passed on from their generation and before. Both of their spouses are up there. My mom even has two nieces with her.

In other news...we had a great day weather wise here in Oklahoma. I believe we hit the lower 80s officially. Not bad for February! I'll take it. Actually lower 80's are higher than needed as far as I'm concerned. I do hear though, that a cold spell is on its way next week ..maybe some snow/rain mix. But again....it's February.

Spread the love: At work we had this campaign where each employee could fill out cards for co-workers acknowledging their recognition of the CARES Program. It was a kind of neat idea. I filled out a few cards, complete with a self-portrait. I also received a few from co-workers. It's nice to know that there are people who truly appreciate your natural borne efforts. You know, some of us try and some of us...well it just comes naturally. I'm not ashamed to say, I'm of the latter. The hard part is, finding people to admit it though. But there are some very bright, very astute colleagues at my office. Praise the Lord.

That's about it for now.

I Vow.....

to try my hardest to be more open minded about the youth of today.

Bucket List

I got this email at work the other day. You're suppose to check off the things you have done. I've added more to it.
(X) Shot a gun
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Alaska
( )Been to Cuba
( )Been to Europe
( )Been to S. America
(X)Been to Las Vegas
(X) Been to Mexico
(X)Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(X)Been to California
( ) Been to Maine
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a Cruise Ship
( ) Been on a one day Lake Cruise Ship
( ) Served on a Jury
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
( ) Gone to New York City
(X) Swam in the ocean.
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X )Bought yourself flowers
(X) Played Cops and Robbers
(X) Played Cowboys and Indians
(X ) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Made prank phone calls
( )Laughed until some beverage came out of your nose
( ) Sneaked into the drive in without paying
( ) Read the Bible completely through
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X)Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Wished on a star
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice skating
( ) Climbed a mountain
(X) Learned to dance
(X) Camped out under the stars
( ) Seen something so beautiful that it took your breath away
(X) Are or have been married
( ) Have children
(X) Have / had a pet
( ) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(X) Been fishing
(X) Performed on stage as an adult
( ) Been boating
( ) Been hunting
( ) Been or tried water skiing
(x) Been hiking
(x) Been horseback riding
( ) Been camping in a trailer/RV
( ) Flown in a small 4-seater airplane
( ) Flown in a private jet
( ) Flown in a glider
( ) Been flying in a helicopter
( ) Been flying in a hot air balloon
( ) Took a trip on a train
(X) Gone to a drive-in movie
( ) Done something that should have killed you
( ) Done something you thought you couldn't do
(X) Done something that you will regret for the rest of your life
( ) Been to Africa
( ) Ever ride an elephant
(X) Ever eaten just cookies for dinner
(X) Ever been on T.V.
( ) Ever steal any traffic signs
(X) Ever been in a car accident
(X) Had a nickname
(X) Name ever been in the local paper
( ) Ever been to Asia
( ) Ever been to Australia
( ) Lived in another country
( ) Been sky-diving
( ) Driven/ridden in a car going more than 100 mph
( ) Ate sushi
(X)Performed Stand up Comedy
(X) Been published
(X) Quit smoking
( ) Go to a rodeo
( ) Truly felt a deep sense of accomplishment
( ) Saved a life
(X) Get a college degree
( ) Write a book
( ) Run a race

This is going to be fun....

I find myself mildly giddy at the prospect of a snow storm. Of course I'm not in an area where enough is enough. This is not salt on a open wound. This is November's first snow fall that just so happens to be about to fall in early February. They say 3/4ths of the nation will be or is getting hit with a winter system of some kind. Oklahoma has been spared a lot this winter. We've been lucky.

A couple weeks ago, the rest of the country was getting clobbered and of course the media showed cars sliding all over the highway, into each other, out of control. This fueled a little panic in us in Ok when we had a bit of ice that lead to some shut downs and slow starts. But this was nothing compared to what, from all accounts, is going to happen tonight and into tomorrow. My office has already said that if the OKC public schools are closed, so are we. This is a first. I am grateful.

Stay tuned.

Facebook

I love Facebook! My brother hates it but I really love it. I have 285 friends; many are family; some are co-workers; some are former co-workers; some are colleagues who I don't work with at HPI but deal with often through work; some are former classmates and some are people I just meet.

What blows me away are the high school classmates. I wrote about our unofficial reunion we had this past summer that was pretty much thanks to the reach of Facebook. I've really connected with a lot of great people I didn't really know in school. There was a lot of crap in the way back then. So much is stripped away and it's so refreshing to see that, yeah, we really aren't so different from one another after all.

In my daily life at work, I spend a lot of time communicating with insurance plans and I'm happy to develop relationships with these peoples. When you add Facebook into the mix (which I don't do at work, by the way) it even makes the working relationship better. There are people I deal with on a daily basis in the clinics that I've gotten to know a little better with FB, too.

Also, FB has gotten me in touch with a lot of relatives I would never had known about had it not been for FB. I have a third cousin (his great grandfather and my great grandfather were brothers) in Germany who I would never have gotten to know or understand our relationship if not for the flexibility and convenience of FB. Well, I truly don't believe so. I have relatives in California that I had always hoped I'd connect with and I am.

All in all...for me Facebook has been a blast. I know, it's a little time consuming and most people are too busy already but...if there's a will there's a way. I really do believe that.

The line is drawn

It's so easy for things to change. One minute people you love are there and they next they are not. One day, you're 25 and loving life and the next you're 50 wishing you had really realized those really were the best days of your life. Often we think that little things are no biggies; nothing to be concerned with and often they are but sometimes....even those little things can become defining moments.

I've been disappointed many times in my life by people I thought were my friends. I'm still amazed each time by how off guard I am....how often I feel like it was so unexpected. I know, many will say this is just a part of being human, being disappointed but with me, it seems like an epidemic. I think mostly it's because I'm so trusting and forgiving. My mom used to tell me that this was not a good quality to have; not for me. She called them "fair weather friends." But I can't stop being who I am. I forgive, it's what I do.

I know I'm too blame, that I often set myself up. I believe in people. I believe that they know what they are saying and I rely on that. It's like being told that the dress to a party is casual by my friends and showing up in dockers and a sweater only to find my friends wearing black tie and saying, "oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to call you." Like thinking they are my friends but discovering I'm really just an after thought.

Recently the line was drawn in the sand with someone I thought I could count on and I'm just going to have to accept that. It is what it is....me under dressed....again.

Saturday's Blog and more

In addition to my blog from a few days ago regarding buying pre-owned baby clothes for my nephew's baby I have more to contribute. I forgot to mention that I also found a new package of newborn pacifier...unopened .... fresh from the manufacture. Well when I went to check out I discovered they were fresh from the manufacture in sometime before 1995. The sale clerk said he couldn't legally sell me the pacifiers because they contained minute traces of lead. But he could give them to me. I'll have you know that I didn't even think about it for a second...I know a good deal when I hear one, especially a free one but I told the clerk to toss them. Yeah! How great a great-aunt am I? Hm? I'm not as cheap as I make myself out to be.

In other news: Don't you love it when someone at your workplace tells you to do something and you do it only to find out it was wrong but it turns out only you are wrong not the person who told you to do it that way? And of course that person won't own up to it. Grrrrr.... I truly believe that even if I'm right; I'm still wrong. But then I will find out I was, indeed, right but it will never be said ..."Yeah, you were right. We should have listened to you more closely; may be we could have learned something from you if only we had taken the time to listen. You're not as dumb as you look. Good job! We'll do better to get you more involved and get your opinion because you've proven that you can make a contribution." Yeah! (Hey, it's my blog, I can dream.)(And I'm not complaining...not really because I know I am blessed to have a job. Mostly I work with great people but they are people so liable to faults such as myself. So really, it's all good.)

Monday Funny

Stereotyping

Okay....here we go. Today, we got in the mail an invitation to Phil's nephew's girlfriend's baby shower. It's being held in NY. We live in OK. It was held today. The mother-to-be wrote, "we know you can't make it but we want you to know the baby will be here on February 9th." This to me translates to, "I know I never met you but please send us a check or a gift card or something."

Yeah, I have no problem sending something..seriously but here's the thing. I hate to stereotype and judge but I'm going to anyway. This is Jeff's first child and her sixth! Yes, her sixth; Jeff is the third father to her brood. She's on food stamps and welfare....big surprise and to top it all off, she lives in a trailer park. Sorry....but are you getting the picture here?

Her only saving grace is that Jeff, whose basically a nice kid, is still a borderline loser...high school drop out who has had more jobs in his 24 years of living than Phil and I have had combined. It's a saving grace because at least she's not involved with him for his money or social status....both of which he has none.

So today I went to the T-store and I have to say, I didn't feel a ton of remorse about buying pre-owned baby boy clothes. If I was going to a shower at work, I would love to do this but I never would for fear of being ostracised for being a cheap SOB. But given this woman's situation, I have no problem with this. I got 17 pieces, tops, bottoms, onezies, etc for $4.54. Come on! Once I get everything washed, Phil and I will, under good strong lighting, check for stains and tears. If it's not perfect, I won't send it but from what I can see...it should be. If it's not, it'll go into the rag pile.

Is it wrong for me to treat this woman differently than a co-worker? Probably. But apparently not enough to stop. And that's how it is for today.

Happy for the weekend

Aw...yes, the weekend is here. I'm going to learn something. I'm going to create something. I'm going to get excited about something (probably football). And I'm going to clean something. Not necessarily in that order. So there.

So cute....

Try this..

Go to Google Maps and click on Get Directions.
Write USA as your start point.
Write Japan as your destination.
Go to the 31st point on your route.
Bahaahahahahaha! How funny is that?

Beyond tired...

I can't blog...physically impossible..okay not impossible, thank God but I'm needing to hit the hay. Tomorrow I'll do it though. Stay tuned.

Truth be told...

• I don't understand British people very well.
• I don't understand southern people very well either.
• I don't get why woman insist on wearing low cut shirts if they already have a boyfriend/husband.
• I think smokers need to be slapped upside the head.
• I think I need to go to bed.

Fears Cont'd

I think we can add one more fear...the fear that the world is going to end soon. Some guy was predicting in May, Jesus would be making his return and the world as we know it would be over. Most people shrug this off as hullabaloo....I'm one of them but recently I'm starting to wonder. With the massive weather destruction going on all over the world; the massive killings by lone gunmen; and now the idea that the zodiac system is changing...I say what the heck? I know, there is all kinds of research that can tear apart my statements...I'm actually counting on it but it's still food for thought.

Fears

My blogger friend Jessica recently did a post on her fears and it got me thinking about mine. "Fears!" Is it a Beatles song? Fears are all I have to take your love away? Is that how it goes? I'm pretty sure I'm not remembering it right.

Anyway here are my biggest fears:

• Being like my mom; hunched over with a bone breakage problem or going blind.
• That I'll be trapped somewhere, say an elevator, and have to use the rest room. I mean, can you imagine?
• That people will make their mind up about me without my help. Or it will be totally based on a misunderstanding or they will think I'm serious when I'm not.
• I really don't fear getting into a car accident but I do fear that if I do, it will be my fault...or it won't be my fault but I'll still get blamed for it.
• Getting mugged in the WalMart parking lot but being stupid and not handing over my purse but fighting with the perb. I have a lot of pent up anger and I'm really waiting for an opportunity to release it. If someone wants to mug me, I'm afraid I might give them a fight that I will probably lose.
• Spiders
• Flying insects (larger than flies)
• Birds
• Bats
• Creepy crawly things
• I'll accidentally use the wrong spelling of a word on a company email (example - their instead of they're) and the recipient will think I'm illiterate when the reality is, I make that kind of error once in every 1000 emails.
• Making stupid mistakes at work because I was given inaccurate information.

I think that's about it.

Thursday Funnies

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad

Mom & Dad were married 54 years ago today. I hope they're having a nice reception party up in heaven. I think they are. Most of the people who were at the wedding are actually up there with them.

Funny Things my Dad said...

I'm trying to think of something to blog about and decided on this....Funny things my dad has said...

If I wanted to do something and he didn't want me to I could do it "when the fish freeze in the streets of Honolulu."

Once he came out of the rest room and said, "There was a spider on the toilet seat. Boy was he mad...he got pissed off."

Oh...there is more...I got to write them down when I think of them. I'll be back with them. Stay tuned.

Blurry but still cute

Saturday/Sunday

I really did well at the T-store yesterday. I bought four Liz Claiborn tops, two other tops, an Eddy Bauer top and a Karen Scott sweater for less than $8. Everything was machine washable too (although the sweater actually looked better before I washed it despite having put it in a lingerie bag. It seemed to pick up everything it could find in the washer. I spend over an hour with the lint brush and lint shaver on it but it looks pretty good now.) Some of the ladies at work think I should go into business...finding famous label items and selling them for a profit. I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with that though. It's good that others can find them there too without someone like me snatching them all up and reselling them. It's just doesn't see right.

The Christmas stuff is down. It's not up in the attic yet but.....well, baby steps. I haven't brought out the normal pictures and flower arrangements and do-hickies yet either. I need to dust first. We'll get there.

Becca went to the beauty parlor to this weekend. She looks lovely. I'll post a pic next time.

Friday

Alrighty...I've blogged for a whole week! Yes. I've also have not had any Coke or Pepsi or Dr Pepper.....so there's two resolutions I'm good with. I'm patting myself on the back too. :)

The work week is over. Excluding Monday, it's been a good week. I've been busy and busy is good. I made up the 5 hours I took off on Monday by working late every night. I was glad to do it so the work wouldn't pile up.

I'm too bored with this.

Thursday

Okay...some thoughts for a Thursday evening:

I truly believe that co-workers should say "good night" to each other at the end of the day. If "good" is asking too much, than at least "night" will do. This doesn't mean you have to walk around the workplace wishing everyone a good night but you should do this with those with whom you work directly. Even if it means walking a few steps in the opposite direction to get to them. Even if it means raising your voice a little because you're too lazy to walk the few steps in the opposite direction. Yeah, it's the end of the day and most people want to get the heck out of dodge, I get that but this little step shows that you CARES.


Okay, I lied...this is my only thought for tonight. Aw...maybe I'll think of another for tomorrow's blog. We'll see.

Wednesday

I'm going to blow my own horn. I've earned; I deserve it and no one is going to deprive me of this. (This is what I said about a nervous breakdown too.)

I created a logo for work. I just did it in Paint and added it to my signature for all my emails coming from my work server. Over the next few months I rec'd emails from others at my office and they were using my logo! I imagine someone stole (not in a negative way) it and someone stole it from them and someone else stole from them. It has made its rounds for sure. I recently discovered one of the clinics using it on their fax cover! I wrote to the lady at that clinic and told her, "I love your fax cover logo." She wrote back...."thanks." Guess she doesn't know where it came from.

So, I announcing it here...it's my creation and I'm proud of it! I'm happy others like it enough to use it as their signature as well. It's a huge compliment!

Tuesday

Aw...what a great day it was. I had no headache pain! Aw...can't tell you how great it is! Had a great day at work...got a ton done!

My doctor says I am having migraines. Personally I'm thinking a brain tumor but I'm just a layperson. He's putting me on a drug that is given to people with seizures. Apparently on a lower dose, it helps people with migraines. One of the side effects, though, is confusion but usually at the higher dose. Lord knows I don't need more confusion in my life.

Does anyone else find it weird that Shania Twain married the ex-husband of the woman who was the reason for the break up of her marriage with Mutt Lang?

Why don't people just ignore Lindsay Lohan? Sure her family can pay her some attention; maybe some close friends but the general population really needs to pretend she doesn't exist. She needs a good reality check.

Later Gator....

Monday

Aw...hate to complain but today was not good. Aw...my head was hurting so much; so very much I wanted to slip into a coma. I called the doctor but couldn't get in until tomorrow morning. I'm happy to report, although, that it's gone! The pain as lifted and I am constantly thanking God for that. Really, I thought death would be an upgrade.

I feel so good right now, I should go to work right now. It's almost 8pm so that's not going to happen but I feel good enough to do it. I will be putting in a lot of late hours this week for sure. I say this assuming the pain will NOT return.

By the way, St Louis lost last night. I tell you, I'm the kiss of death. If you want your team to win, pay me to root for the other team. You have a winning season.

So, this constitutes a blog entry for today. Later gator.

Can I do this every day?

Well, I am not going to put so much pressure on myself but I am going to try. I came into our computer room to blog...specifically to blog and yet I naturally got side track with Facebook and reading some email. I was just ready to click on an ad for Hobby Lobby when I deliberately stopped myself and said, 'Hey, wait, you're here to blog." I know...how trivial is that? But that is what's going to happen. I'm just going to write what's in my head. (It's not like I have a real audience anyway :)

My Buffalo Bills are done for the season. Another disappointment. Another shining example of why I hate this time of year. More on that in a minute. I do need some kind of alliance though...something to root for; something to get behind. I guess I can root for St Louis Rams. Sam Bradford is their quarterback. He's from Oklahoma...went to OU. Usually though I am the kiss of death. If I root for a team, 9 out of 10 times, they will lose. Well look at the Bills.. 12 out of 16, we lost....that comes down to 3 out of 4. So my odds are even worst. :( Grrr...

Now the holidays are over; now what? White Sales? Yeah, get real. We are now embarking on the cold blue depths of January...one of the longest months of the calendar. Aw...my heels are still in December...dragging...about ready to throw a tantrum. "I don't want the holidays to be over!" I feel like whining. But like the excitement of a white sale, I have to get real.

Tomorrow I will go to work and I will love it! I will embrace my day with enthusiasm and chipperness. (Yes, I made that up.) It's a new year...and it's going to be great!

See ya tomorrow.

Happy New Year!

This is the year I...

• blog more
• stop drinking phospheric acid
• stop being so lazy
• exercise every day
• eat better

I'm so glad I treat people well already...don't know if I could fit that in to my plans.